18 days benzo free and HURTING

[[Ma...]]

I am 18 days free now, and just yesterday I was feeling fine. I posted in the benzo free section and was chuggin right along, or so I thought. Lastnight I woke around 1am feeling some MAJOR anxiety for the first time in MONTHS!!  I got up and in the middle of the night walked around the house outside and then came in , watched TV for 40 mins or so and all was well..I went back to bed.  I woke up this morning, and all day have felt a little off. I got home from work, took a nap for about an hour. I woke up to INTENSE FEAR!! It's still here. I do not know why, or what to do!!!  I feel so out of it, and my anxiety/FEAR is INSANE right now.  I'm scared out of my freakin mind!  I'm freakin the hell out and I dont know where this is comming from!!!  Also, It's taking everything I have to hold back tears right now. I dont understand this!!  I was doing so well and so proud of myself!! grrrr

 

Mark

[[Ma...]]

along with the above intense fear, I've also been getting the sensation, like I am not getting enough air when I breath. I mean I'm breathing like normal but it feels like I need more air. I'm not gasping or anything...it's very hard to explain...its just a sensation, that is very worrisome...

 

I thought I was doing so well..and BAM. I dont get it!!

[[St...]]

What you describe is exactly what happen to me as well. I didn't feel like I was getting enough oxygen but I was breathing normal, that went away eventually.

 

And the fear.... I'd never had such fear (terror) in my life, it was scary, very scary. If I tried to nap it would make it worse! so I didn't nap.

 

Don't be afraid of those symptoms, it's the drug, not you, and it will go away. I know it's hard to see that now but it will, I promise.

 

Feel better soon 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

thank you star!!!  

 

I decided to not hold back the tears as I have been, I let it flow and they are flowing like crazy...It's almost like a release...As I sit her sobbing like a little baby, the anxiety is actually easing up some.  I need to learn to not hold back/ hide my emotions..especially right now.

[[li...]]

I always feel better when I cried Mark.  Hold strong.  the first couple of months off is tough.  This will pass to.  Linder

[[St...]]

Good for you, let it go... I think we make things worse sometimes by trying to suck it up. It's always good to write it all down too like you did, journaling is another release even if you just write it here.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better already  

 

 

[[Na...]]

Mark,

This happened to me as well.  Hit me a little sooner around day 9 or 10, but same as your symptoms.  You just have to do whatever you can to distract yourself from the symptoms.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  Naps/Staying in bed did make my symptoms worse, so you may want to skip that for the time being.  I am almost 14 weeks off now and feel improvement happening.  I was righy where you were, don't get me wrong, but it will get better.

[[Ma...]]

Thank you everyone. I am sooo thankful to each and everyone of you!!

 

My wish is, when I am healed to give back and help others that are in pain trying to get off this poison!!

 

I sware man, There should be a rule that doctors HAVE to tell you about his part of the drug when they prescribe it to you. Granted I should have done my own research (I do now!!). But as I read from abother buddie today, the withdrawal makes my pre-benzo anxiety seem like a joke!!

[[Pa...]]

I couldn't cry but the one time I was able to, it felt so good, I'm glad you got some relief.  Try to avoid those toxic naps, I've heard lots of Buddies talk about them, nasty.

[[Li...]]

Hi Mark, read your post and my heart goes out to you as well.

 

Night time anxiety is the worse in my opinion because you are so helpless and vulnerable when the attack happens. You don't know what is going on and freak out. Well, guess what, your brain is working around the clock to heal itself because it knows how badly you want to return to normal. Yes, even when we are sleeping, it is adjusting and trying to catch up!

 

It is your brain at work! Hold on - - you got this! 

 

Take care,

 

Lida

[[Ma...]]

I am FREAKING out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am getting that feeling like I am not getting enough oxygen...I mean I am breathing fine, but the SENSATION that I need more oxygen is making me want to crawl out of my skin...I was just fine until I laid down to go to sleep...I DREAD sleeping now because I wake up with horrendous anxiety the last two times...anyways , so Im laying there and get that sensation come over me..I wait for it to pass, as it usually does..and ITS NOT...I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin!!!!

 

Im 18 days "free" and this is HELL!!!  Part of me is SCREAMING to take a pill  (yes I still have some crumbs and peices left from my taper...this is the WORST night I have had in the last year of my titration!!!!  I just cant stand this feeling!!!!!!!!

 

Can anyone relate? PLEASE help me if you can,,,

[[St...]]

Those times when I felt like I was suffocating was always when I was trying to sleep and I'd panic myself awake. I have no idea what that's about but I know they're scary, I wasn't something that was constant with me but and it did eventually go away. Try to do some deep breathing at the abdomen, it may make you feel better. It will pass.

 

 

[[Wh...]]

Oh Mark I'm so sorry you are in that place ... I remember it well when I first came off ... YIKES!!!  I was so frigging uncomfortable in my body that I wanted to shave of all my hair and pull out all my teeth and go naked.  I'm kinda glad I didn't do that LOL.  I used to get the terror attacks upon waking in the morning ... OMG!!!  I want you to know that all these things pass.  I would definitely get rid of the last of the drug so as to not tempt yourself okay?  This phase you are in does not last long ... just make sure you are safe okay?  You are definitely in the hardest part of this ... unbelievable isn't it?

 

Keep posting and just survive each day drug free and before you know it, it will be over.

 

Peace and blessings to you 

[[Ma...]]

This is soooo embarrasing!!!  I'm not sure if this is even a panic attack or something more serious?!?!?

 

I feel soooooooooo out of it!!  im sooo tired but cant sleep...my stomach muscles are sooo tight feeling.  mind mind is running crazy, kind of dizzy...man this all started all of the sudden.  I'm terrified!  I've had plenty of attacks before, but NOTHING EVER like this!!!  I'm balling like a baby..soo embarrasing!!

 

god man, My titration was a breeze, I guess I am paying for it now...I'm sooooooooo afraid of laying down and closing my eyes now...this is NOT  ME!!

 

I feel kind of stoned/ out of it...  this is sooo damn freaky!!!!

[[Wh...]]

Crying is a VERY GOOD THING ... let it out Mark ... probably stored up for a long, long time.  That just may be the key to your freedom.

 

Weep away.  :'(

[[Ma...]]

does this sound like a panic attack to you?  or somethjing more?  at times I feel like it is going away, then it cranks right back up again...god I HATE this

HATE IT!!!!!

[[Wh...]]

Sounds like acute w/d Mark ... are you in a safe place?

[[Ma...]]

I am home, but am alone...Im sorry to sound like a little kid...Im just scared to death.  everytime I lay down to try to rest it starts up again.,

[[Wh...]]

Of course you are scared ... this is the most brutal thing I can imagine happening to anyone ... (((((Mark))))).  This is no ordinary fear.  You will need to find ways to cope.  Alot of people recommend distraction ... I don't know what would work for you.  I listened to guided meditations till the cows came home to get thru it.  Does music soothe you?  Personally I could not be alone during that phase ... you are much braver than you think.  I checked myself into a detox center when I was 6 days off ... they didn't understand really but they let me stay for a month.  Can you handle this alone?

[[Ma...]]

I feel a LITTLE better this morning. I ended up passing out lastnight prob around 3am or so, and got up at 5:30.  I took the rest of the week off.  My god man, I have NEVER felt so strange as I did lastnight. It came on sooo suddenly as well.  As silly as this sounds, I now fear the fear.

 

It was sooo weird, it felt like a panic attack X100.  I felt stoned (not in a good way), my mind was going 1000000MPH, and all mu stomach and chest muscles were soo tight.  I still have a tight band feeling on the right side of my chest. That has been there since may. It comes and goes.

 

Can I expect this to happen often?  I know no one can tell me that answer, what ?I should ask, what are others experiences in feeling this way once off benzo's.  Today is 19 days free!

[[Li...]]

Hi Mark, last night while you were going through it, I was going through it too!!!

 

I am at 13 days off and last night felt like I was in hell! I had the breathing issues and the night anxiety, heart racing and a some nervous shaking. I kept telling myslef, you are not having an attack, you are okay, your brain is healing and I calmed down. I still could not sleep but I at least controlled the attack.

 

My husband thinks it was my heartburn that triggered my anxiety last night. He said he noticed that when I eat after 7 p.m. I have the worse nights! When I eat early in the evening I get the most rest with no anxiety. He may be right. I will test this theory tonight to see if there is a difference. Could this be the case for you?

 

Take care,

 

Lida  

[[...]]

Mark, WD is such a bumpy ride. I often wish I could tell my brain, "Ok, there it is!!! Do what you are doing right now please, that's good!". But I can't. So I enjoy the windows and accept as best I can whatever comes. You are pretty early into your recovery so don't be so hard on yourself during this process.  You are getting better and have had big windows. I think about people who wait months to feel one of my good days...

 

Hoping this wave passes quickly

[[Ma...]]

thanks guys.  I'm pretty embarrassed by my postings last night.  I am feeling somewhat normal right now. A little anxiety.  But I just went to the store and held a conversation with a few people. The whole time I was doing back flips, freaking out in my head..but they couldn't tell a thing.

 

Last night was the hardest I have been hit since I began the tapering and titration almost a year ago! It totally caught me off guard.  I took 3 showers lastnight around 2am-3am  trying to calm myself down.  Ahhh man, I WISH all I had now was my pre-benzo anxiety!  I would pay good money for that "anxiety now"  LOL

 

About the heart burn, it's interesting you bring that up Lida,  I started having reflux for the first time in my life a couple of months ago. I DID indeed have it lastnight.  Although I cannot say for certain which one came on first (the freak out, or the reflux)  but I will pay it more attention from now on.

 

I hope you are feeling better today Lidaboo?  

 

Thank you again EVERYONE..thank you soo very much!

[[Ma...]]

I've been thinking...My SO will be starting a new job soon. With the hours of 7pm-3am...it's a TON more money than she makes now, and will really bump us up in the tax bracket. BUT I have been really worried that we will not see much of each other because My work day is usually 9am-5pm. I've been keeping this bottled up inside and not mentioned it to her. I wonder if this is triggering  some of my night time anxiety.  I was briefly thinking about how it is going to feel to be alone at night and missing her terribly..I had those thoughts about 20-30 mins before the "attack" lastnight...so I wonder.......hmm

[[...]]

Honest communication is the key, for me, I was wearing out my wife... But I still told her the truth as it was just worse without it.

In the end I discovered she was afraid and worried she was losing me and would be alone with the kids.

Well, I wasn't going to let that happen, damn klonopin to hell.. Be honest and share your heart. I am glad you let yourself cry, I did too.

 

Lu