Some advice please

[[jo...]]

I'm over 3 months off.  My last use of ativan was 33 days getting up to .75 mg for just two days before the rapid taper (basically a CT).  I am struggling to hold it together.  Cooped up in my room.  I work from home but that is a struggle since all I want to do is research and research.  BB, FB, Videos.  I have a PhD now in benzos.  Just wish I had been given even one lecture before my first introduction to them by a careless doc. 

 

I had a couple zero nights and some 3-4 hour nights in the past week.  I am beyond dysfunctional.  I look fine on the outside and my friends don't understand or think I am over exaggerating.  To be fair some friends have been great checking in on me every day or so but I'm sure they are tired of getting the same report from me.  I am catastrophizing everything.  To top it off there is non-stop construction in my building.  It is a concrete building so every hammer and drill might as well be next to my head.  I can't even get up to escape that.  I am steps from the beach in the most beautiful place with people all about enjoying summer, but have locked myself in here.

 

The problem is there is no end date I can latch on to.  Who knows when this will start to lift.  I have been gung ho about not taking anymore benzos but on days like today I cannot think of any other way out of this.  If this keeps up I can see losing everything that is important to me. 

 

My relationships are strained though at least my family is supportive.  I just don't want to wear them out.  They have their own issues.  I worked so hard to get to my position at work and was doing so well in an amazing company.  Now I struggle to formulate emails. 

 

Not looking to be a downer.  Just looking for feedback.  I've read some stuff that is discouraging.  I thought because I was low dose (relatively speaking) and short term (though I have done 3 short term before this), that I would be able to recover like the last ones.  Not so lucky.  This feels different. 

[[Ho...]]

You know, you're still in an acute phase. In other words, it's not getting better for you yet. But for me, after three months things slooooowwwwwwlllly improved. It was almost imperceptible;I could only see in in the rear view mirror.  Things are getting better and at a certain point it becomes close to exponential. When you improve more, the curve started going up faster. Please, please hang in there and don't reinstate. There are other ways of dealing with the extreme discomfort.  Your brain will come back soon. Going slowly and carefully because that's all you can do is not a bad thing. You will have good results doing that. You just won't be able to appreciate it for a while!

 

The name of the game is fake-it-till-you-make-it. Or act-as-if. You can either drop the ball and curl up, or keep going against the odds. I think you'll do the second. In fact, I'd be willing to bank on it. 

 

As for catastrophizing, oh how I love that word. it encapsulates so much; the horror of worst case scenarios and the certainty that they will come to pass.

 

Here's the good news: They won't.

Here's the bad news: You won't believe it for a while.

 

In the meantime, find ways to ease your pain. Whether it's CBD (be sure it's not the sativa strain) or propanalol, l-theanine, low-dose gabapentin or even an antidepressant, these pages will have plenty to offer. Don't go nuts and spend your inheritance; nothing will heal you but there are things that will help soften the blow a bit. Go for it. A bit can mean a lot at three months off.

 

You've done a stellar job, in case no one has told you that. No one can understand and I get that you don't want to wear your loved ones out. I'm with you there. I had to take a step back from some beloved peeps for a while. I didn't go away, I just didn't lean on them because it would have been too much for them.

 

I'm eight months out now. I'm not great but I'm not horrible, either. I noticed my mind started returning around four months off.

 

Good things are in store for you. Not quite yet though, but you're laying the groundwork and it's happening. 

 

 

[[je...]]

I am just over 6 months off from long term high dose use of a very potent benzo. I do feel slightly better than when I jumped. I fully believe I will see more rapid increased recovery around the 1 year mark. I never expected to be recovered before 1 year. I am functional and I keep seeing some positive improvements however small it may be.

 

The fact that you're able to even work is amazing. Yes, you might be struggling at formulating emails, but you're writing them! It will likely take you 2 to 3 times the amount of time and effort to do your job, but just keep at it. When it comes to family and friends, I have learned not to dump my stuff on them. I rarely talk about how I feel. Sometimes I'll just say I don't feel well enough to go and do xyz. But I don't talk withdrawal with them, it's too much unfortunately. Actually, it's only my husband and kids that know I'm in withdrawal, I haven't told anybody else. When I was still in the thick of it, I was seeing a therapist and it really helped to unload on her and then have my better self for my family.

 

You know more benzo's are not the answer. It's a temporary fix that will create long term problems. A year from now you'll look back at this and be so proud of how you persevered and pushed through. You haven't lost your job yet, you haven't lost your family or friends, so don't get upset about things that haven't happened and might never happen.

 

Withdrawal sucks, not being able to live your life sucks, yes you can have a pity party and feel sorry for yourself - gosh I've had so many of those for myself - but then you push on again. Because that's what we do! 

[[jo...]]

You know, you're still in an acute phase. In other words, it's not getting better for you yet. But for me, after three months things slooooowwwwwwlllly improved. It was almost imperceptible;I could only see in in the rear view mirror.  Things are getting better and at a certain point it becomes close to exponential. When you improve more, the curve started going up faster. Please, please hang in there and don't reinstate. There are other ways of dealing with the extreme discomfort.  Your brain will come back soon. Going slowly and carefully because that's all you can do is not a bad thing. You will have good results doing that. You just won't be able to appreciate it for a while!

 

The name of the game is fake-it-till-you-make-it. Or act-as-if. You can either drop the ball and curl up, or keep going against the odds. I think you'll do the second. In fact, I'd be willing to bank on it. 

 

As for catastrophizing, oh how I love that word. it encapsulates so much; the horror of worst case scenarios and the certainty that they will come to pass.

 

Here's the good news: They won't.

Here's the bad news: You won't believe it for a while.

 

In the meantime, find ways to ease your pain. Whether it's CBD (be sure it's not the sativa strain) or propanalol, l-theanine, low-dose gabapentin or even an antidepressant, these pages will have plenty to offer. Don't go nuts and spend your inheritance; nothing will heal you but there are things that will help soften the blow a bit. Go for it. A bit can mean a lot at three months off.

 

You've done a stellar job, in case no one has told you that. No one can understand and I get that you don't want to wear your loved ones out. I'm with you there. I had to take a step back from some beloved peeps for a while. I didn't go away, I just didn't lean on them because it would have been too much for them.

 

I'm eight months out now. I'm not great but I'm not horrible, either. I noticed my mind started returning around four months off.

 

Good things are in store for you. Not quite yet though, but you're laying the groundwork and it's happening. 

 

What a great response.  You are very kind.  When I don't get sleep my mind ventures into off-limits places.  I worked so hard to get to where I am at.  I had some extreme circumstances that made me seek help for sleep.  That was my first intro to benzos 6 years ago.  I think they ended up creating an apprehension in me and an unusual anxiety that drove me to use them next time a big stressor arrived.  I didn't connect that feeling to my first benzo use.  Each time was for a few weeks and I went cold turkey off them.  I didn't realize it was a cumultive effect.  I just thought,  I used them before to get through some hell and was able to discontinue so I should be able to next time. 

 

Honestly as horrible as the consequences would have been if that stressful time had gone against me, I would take it over this 100 times over.  These docs just reach for the most extreme solution to a simple problem.  I needed to be talked down from my stress and given coping strategies.  Not brain poison. 

 

I tried CBD a couple weeks into my CT and had a paradoxical reaction.  Akathisia and extreme paranioa.  It was awful.  Maybe there was some trace THC in there but I'm traumatized enough to not go there again.  I had tried nyquil the first few days into CT and that was equally horrific.  What I have realized is there is nothing I can do for this insomnia.  If I go to the gym it brings back symptoms.  The days I can get outside and walk by the ocean for a couple miles seems to help me get at least 4-5 hours.  But the past 3 days I have been unable to.  I need to get sleep and feel somewhat stable again.  This experience is brutal to put it mildly.

 

Your response is helpful and doesn't seem like you're pandering.  While everyone on here are wonderful people that jump to help and provide good support, my brain goes straight to "is this real or is it them trying to make me feel better?"  If I can get 20% better than this I can hang on.

 

 

[[jo...]]

I am just over 6 months off from long term high dose use of a very potent benzo. I do feel slightly better than when I jumped. I fully believe I will see more rapid increased recovery around the 1 year mark. I never expected to be recovered before 1 year. I am functional and I keep seeing some positive improvements however small it may be.

 

The fact that you're able to even work is amazing. Yes, you might be struggling at formulating emails, but you're writing them! It will likely take you 2 to 3 times the amount of time and effort to do your job, but just keep at it. When it comes to family and friends, I have learned not to dump my stuff on them. I rarely talk about how I feel. Sometimes I'll just say I don't feel well enough to go and do xyz. But I don't talk withdrawal with them, it's too much unfortunately. Actually, it's only my husband and kids that know I'm in withdrawal, I haven't told anybody else. When I was still in the thick of it, I was seeing a therapist and it really helped to unload on her and then have my better self for my family.

 

You know more benzo's are not the answer. It's a temporary fix that will create long term problems. A year from now you'll look back at this and be so proud of how you persevered and pushed through. You haven't lost your job yet, you haven't lost your family or friends, so don't get upset about things that haven't happened and might never happen.

 

Withdrawal sucks, not being able to live your life sucks, yes you can have a pity party and feel sorry for yourself - gosh I've had so many of those for myself - but then you push on again. Because that's what we do! 

 

Thank you Jelly Baby.  That's good advice.  I've always been so open with my friends.  I also tell them as a warning, as I am intelligent and informed, yet I still got ensnared.  But I am regretting it now because I'm sure some of them see it differently.  Most of my friends are checking in on me, but I don't know what to say other than I feel the same still.  I will have to start faking it a bit to keep them from getting exhausted with it.  They are out enjoying their summer around the world and I am in a dark room scrolling endlessly to find some hope.  It is amazing how ruthless this drug is.  I survived being an immigrant at 14, struggling to learn a new culture, overcoming the odds, getting fit and strong, quitting booze at a young age, staying away from drugs, only to be taken down by a careless doctor, who's job it is to know this stuff yet too self confident and reckless to do some basic research. 

 

I have gotten two 3-week prescriptions from him over the past 6 years.  Because I took less than half the dose each time I had some left over.  That's how 2 prescriptions lasted 6 years.  The second prescription I got was last year.  That was 2 years AFTER the black box warning had been issued by the FDA.  Not a peep out of him.  Just gave me another prescription.  I didn't even go in seeking ativan.  I just wanted help sleeping.  Sorry for the rant.  This is the only place that understands.