Is this severe depression, depersonalization, or both?

[[cu...]]

Hey guys, after feeling recovered I am now back with a new slew of things to deal with totally different from last year...in some ways better, in some ways not.

 

I feel like I have lost my soul like I'm empty kind of just not here yet, no interests, no emotions (except sadness tears and regret), no connection much to those around me, my mind feels a bit off like its gone or totally quiet and I feel a bit disconnected from my mind like all the thoughts in it are alien, more mine than they used to be but very disorganized but I don't feel dumb but I am a bit forgetful. I feel disconnected from my past, memories come and come and come, useless information that I seemed to have picked up over the years, I feel that I have no imagination, can't visualize etc.

 

I don't feel unreal anymore, I don't even think about that symptom...the world around me seems very clear and my vision is very good though sometimes it feels kind of like my body is a bit strange like I might be not quite settled down into it and I don't feel myself talking much like its not really coming from me.

 

Up until April I felt like a ghost haunting the scene of my murder, non existent in a nonexistent world...and sometimes I felt decapitated and just a pair of eyes walking around after a horrid bad reaction to Indian tea and vitamin D but that has since passed.

 

Can a bad reaction to something like that set us back indefinitely? Or undo our healing progress?

 

All I want to do is sleep, smoke, and watch movies and not deal with anything, don't want to go anywhere or see people living their normal lives because dealing with other people makes me feel even worse because they are so normal and I'm...well...not. My bones ache inside like they are cold or cramping and I have lots tons of weight. I don NOT like looking in the mirror, who is that person, who was she? Stuff like that. Its about all I have right now aside from muscle twitches and a slight electrical feeling in my forehead now and then.

 

My church has pretty much abandoned me because according to them I don't have enough faith to get my healing, as I was always at the altar needing prayer..my mom and other family members think something else is wrong, that I'm just over analyzing my mind and self...which makes me analyze things even more thinking maybe nothing is wrong at all, that this is normal.

 

I have reinstated the Lithium at a small dose for now, seeing if it can help with these feelings. I feel that its much safer than an AD and if I need to stop it, I can CT or rapid taper with no rebound symptoms.

 

love

cupcake

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Hi Cupcake,

 

I went to your blog because I didn't see your jump off date in your signature.  Did you jump off March 12th?

[[cu...]]

yes, march 12...symptoms took about 2 weeks to hit full force. Thought I was home free boy was I wrong

[[...]]

yes, march 12...symptoms took about 2 weeks to hit full force. Thought I was home free boy was I wrong

 

Cupcake, was it March 12, 2010?  Or, 2011?  I hate that you're having a bad wave this far out.  Thinking of you.  ~~mbr

[[Pe...]]

Thanks mbr, I missed that!

[[st...]]

cupcake, you are not totally healed yet.  Everything you described has happened to quite a few of us after the one year mark off date....lack of motivation, isolation, body aches, apathy, etc., etc., etc.  It continues to be a waiting game.  Try doing little things for yourself.....good nutrtition, some form of exercise if you can, rest and remember that you still need to be kind to yourself.  IMO, I would re-think the Lithium use.

 

Patty  xo

[[...]]

Hey Cupcake...long time. 

 

I'm at almost 15 months off myself and experiencing some of the same symptoms although they are not as intense.  I think this is still recovery.  I would be fully healed if it were not for the lingering apathy/low motivation/mild depression.  I relate to what you said...something just feels "off".

 

Sometimes I worry about it but overall I have decided not to worry unless I stop making progress.  I have seen many people between 1 year and 18 months have setbacks and they all seem very upset by this.  If I hadn't seen so many others experience this I would be questioning my own recovery, too...but I think this is just how we heal.

 

If you were over 3 years out and still experiencing these symptoms I'd start to wonder if it may be something else...but at this point, your brain is still trying to right itself.  I don't know where the whole 6-12 month healing comes from.  According to all the sources I've read, I see most people coming to full recovery between 18-24 months free. 

 

Also, I've noticed a lot of people get a wave between 12-18 months out and then they heal so this could very well be the home stretch for you.

 

Hang in there.  Even if your church family has given up on you, God never will.

[[cu...]]

cupcake, you are not totally healed yet.  Everything you described has happened to quite a few of us after the one year mark off date....lack of motivation, isolation, body aches, apathy, etc., etc., etc.  It continues to be a waiting game.  Try doing little things for yourself.....good nutrtition, some form of exercise if you can, rest and remember that you still need to be kind to yourself.  IMO, I would re-think the Lithium use.

 

Patty  xo

thanks patty, I wasn't going to use the lithium but it has helped big time...things just seem more hopeful and the depression is not as bad, but I had to do something about the "urges" I was getting..and it seems to have stifled them...which is what Lithium is well known for.

 

I had a severe reaction to some foods at 9 mos off, i now realize its a temporary setback 

 

love cupcake