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Cometh the Rage...let the world recoil in horror


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So for the past three days I've been in a bad mood...I mean really angry. I start off the day OK. I go for my usual bike ride, weather permitting and soon the ruminations start, then the anger...which sometimes causes me to tremble to my very core. I don't know how to shake it off, release it or to soothe this hatred that springs out of nowhere. I cannot for the life of me, pinpoint where it is coming from or why I am so bitter and angry.

 

I was a peaceful, patient man. I grew up during the 70's, where the beatles were the boyband of our generation and peace, groovy and pacifism were the "IN" things. I grew up being a pacifist before this whole mindfulness and compassionate following took root today. I was that man. When I started taking Paxil...God protect anyone who crossed my path. When I got off that crap...my anger slowly faded, along with all those other horrible things Paxil had done to me.

 

Then reinstating Clonazepam started the ball rolling again. I had c/t Clonazepam along with Paxil but withdrawal started, and I was completely oblivious that this is what was happening to me. Just as I was unaware that anger was an emotion that came along for the ride. Anger and depression where my constant companion during and after c/t. I just never knew that the culprit was this poor excuse for a medicine. In fact, today I look at Clonazepam as a witches brew...once you bite that poisonous apple...be prepared to be put into a deep mental slumber. I feel like a zombie, brainless and now I am witness to all these changes within me...I am shocked at how much I have changed as a person because of this infinitesimal grain of poison. Even pyshically; I had brown hair...with a bit a grey. In these past few months...it is mostly grey with specks of brown. And my eyes now have bags. I am aging before my very eyes and that just sucks. I used to be proud of the fact that I always looked young for my age. Now I just look old and tired.

 

So the anger and rage has continued now for 3 days; as I have stated. I have yelled at my poor mother. I glare at my sister...who I don't like anyway...so its not a bad thing.  But the straw that broke the camels back was when hateful thoughts of my nephews and nieces started filtering through my corrupted brain. And my heart sank and I knew I was in trouble when I blamed my dearly departed grandmother...for the dilemmas I am now facing because of this drug. I knew that I needed answers...that I hope one of you out there can provide.

 

The question is...is there any possible way to control this hateful rage. I was never like this...or at least I don't think I was. I keep wondering if that person, I remember being, is just a dream I had. Is it possible that who I think I was, is in fact a mirage? That maybe I was this raging machine all along. I try to stop this madness. I even ran out of the house because I thought I was going to lose control and hurt someone. Is there something I can use to calm myself.

 

I can't believe what a roller coaster ride this noxious chemical is putting me and all of you through. It's offensive that money; that a simple piece of paper dictates how I now live my life. Meaning that those drug cartels might or might not be paying doctors off...whether they are or aren't doesn't matter. They surely know about these side effects...but money talks, and that will always be a driving force. They hell with peoples health and sanity.  Today...here I am living life; taking off one drip at a time...losing patience and sometimes hope as to whether I will make it through this. One damn drip at a time.

 

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Ah... benzo rage, I know it well. I was very impatient and short tempered going through this but it was short lived for me. I used to just keep busy with simple things like computer solitaire or gardening to keep a peaceful head. Through this phase it's hard to pipe down, but you need to remember it's not you, it's the drug. I just rolled with it until it passed.

 

One thing I've learned during recovery was "Acceptance", if we accept this for what it is and not fight it, it seems to be easier to deal with.

 

Hang on travuz, it doesn't last forever.

 

Star

 

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Crazy how our brains are regulated by all of these chemicals and when you alter the way it processes these chemicals you end up a completely different person while you are on the drug and in WD.

 

I had the rage when I was going through the worst of my WD. The smallest thing would make me want to beat someone over the head.

 

Chances are it won't last. Mine became tolerable within a few weeks if I remember correctly.

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I hate the rage most of all.  I have never before benzos been unable to control myself like that.  And it seems once it starts garbage just keeps rolling out of my mouth.  I have even thrown quite a few things, sooo not the real me.

 

It is a whole lot better now that I am into my 4th month off benzos.  I had it in tolerance w/d and really bad for the first 3 months after Detox.  My husband is a truly patient man!

 

We recognized it together for what it was and made a plan as to what to do when it came on.  I was to go off into my craft room and stew alone until it passed.  That worked well for me, because I felt worse after saying things I didn't mean than being alone and waiting for it to pass.

 

It is a hard one, I know.  But rest assured that it will go away.

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After reading this, I don't feel so bad.  Now I know why I threw that slice of turkey back to the server, in a restaurant, and told him to keep his thin slice of turkey.  I asked him politely, for a nice serving....but he preferred to give me a mouse size serving.

 

I can't seem to control any of my emotions, at this time.  I get my feelings hurt so easily....feel like crying....then later I feel like tearing someone's head off.    :tickedoff:  It makes me feel like I have turned into this bad person, that I don't even know or like.

 

Sunny girl

 

 

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I feel like I had moments of rage when I was taking the Benzo. I felt like destroying something or putting my fist through a wall and sometimes I did. Then, I'd be like "Where is this coming from?" I haven't had any rage during the w/d process yet. I hope it stays that way because it's hard to control. At least now if I feel it coming on I'll be able to understand where it's coming from and TRY to squash it.
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Hi travuz,

 

I copied and pasted a posting that I did 3 months ago. I would get angry at the slightest irritations, of course, to me at the time, they were huge irritations, and I would react accordingly.

 

Before the benzos, I was always as 'calm as a cucumber', so to speak. I can happily say that I am back to my old self in that regards.

 

Benzo- Rage

« on: February 27, 2011, 05:10:54 PM »  

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When i was in my kitchen last night, preparing something to eat, nothing was working out for me. I am sure that the lack of sleep was a big reason for this.

 

Out of the blue, my heart started pounding, my skin became red and flushed and in an angry rage i  started throwing things from the kitchen,  down into the basement. Frying pans, pizza pans, sauce pans, what ever i could get my hands on, ended up in the basement. This display of anger lasted about 30 seconds.

 

My dazed and confused dog, charlie, scurried into the bedroom and hid under the bed.. He has always seen me as a patient and mild-mannered person.  

 

Of all my withdrawal symptoms, this episode was the most alarming....

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I had to laugh pj, although I know it was not funny when it happened!  My poor animals expressions were like WTH?  LOL
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Yeah, Perseverence

 

My poor dog! I made it up to him by putting an extra helping of his favorite food, broccoli, in his dish, yes, he loves broccoli!

 

I read somewhere that the urge to throw things, is not all that uncommon during withdrawals, who would of thought!  Benzos are one crazy drug!

 

Enjoy your weekend.

 

pj

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PJ, i can hear the crashing and clanging of your pots and pans.  As long as you didn't hurt someone, thats  ok! 

After reading this, I don't feel so bad.  Now I know why I threw that slice of turkey back to the server, in a restaurant, and told him to keep his thin slice of turkey.  I asked him politely, for a nice serving....but he preferred to give me a mouse size serving.

 

 

Sunny girl

 

 

That reminds me of a few weeks ago when I ordered fish in a restaurant.  No order side dishes were available, just fries...

 

It came with a ton of fries towering over a miniscule piece of fish. When they asked (at the till) how it was, I told the waiter that it was "too many fries, not enough fish", and that it should have been twice as much fish for the price we paid! (They did have on their menu "if you like our food, tell your friends..if not, tell us").

A few months before, I would have probably just let things be.  My brain is becoming unfried..the benzo is losing its brain and mind-numbing grip..feels great!

Kat

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thank you all for replying.

 

Your feedback is always appreciated during these difficult times...but the anger still persists. I am at my wits end. One day it is these horrible ideations and the next is anger. I feel like a puppet; with some madman pulling all my strings and with no real sense of who I am, where I will be or how I will feel on any given day. How sad it is that at one time I was calm and patient like all of you, and today...I was desperately rummaging through books in my local bookstore to find even more answers on managing anger, meditation, and finding purpose.

 

Sadly today I went to see a psychiatrist at the local hospital, earlier this morning. A follow up really...to see how I was doing after going c/t from Clonazepam. He had no idea why I was there. I told him my story, in a controlled manner because they should at least have some file, as to why I was there. I was trying to be respectful...really I was. His curt reply again was "so why was I there exactly". I repeated the whole sorry account again...but now I was losing hold of my temper. He said quite nicely that I had gotten myself into a little trouble...for going off this crap. I told him that I actually had stopped taking it because I was tired of being a prisoner to this false medication. Again he says with a smile...like it was an "AHA" moment...so I did it to myself because I did not wean properly. I retorted...I in fact did it correctly and just as my doctor would tell me...days after...how to go about weaning. I was never really told I had to wean when first on this crap. In fact with all my ignorance...I did it exactly how my doctor would then describe it and for doing it as I would be told to do...I ended up in the hospital psyche ward. They took plenty of notes that night and for some reason this doctor; he not only did not know me but he got my name wrong and did not know why I was there and no F...ing chart. And I am the irresponsible one. Again...he sought some divine explanation as to what I was doing there.

 

Thus I looked at him in disgust and asked quite nicely if had ever heard of the Ashton Manual...since this was the method I am given to get off this crud. I am now addicted even though I do no drugs, drink no alcohol nor smoke any cigarettes. He asked if I did drugs or smoked pot. Bad move...so I repeated with bated breath...that I did not do any of those things. I was clean until I was given this poison. He eventually replied that he has never heard of such a person. But there was this look in his eyes. Paranoia on my part? Or do they know? I no longer believe that these supposed doctors have not heard of Prof. Heather Ashton. How is it possible that she would not be known...with all her research in this field. So I got in his face and wondered aloud why doctors or even psychiatrist would be allowed to give people this crap. He was not pleased, saying that since I had everything well in hand...I could go on my merry way. So I asked one last question...how do I find my way through life after this mess? How do I find purpose? His response was that he could not help me in anyway. But he was glad I had everything well planned and hoped my taper was successful. And then he extended his hand, and quickly escorted out the door. Yup he shrugged me off...I am surprised I was not thrown out. I was also surprised that he had so many plaques on the wall because he was quite crude and not at all sympathetic and ill mannered. Somehow I am jobless and this jerk I being well paid to be rude...to a depressed, accidental drug addict. 

 

Yes...I am angry and ranting because I had to drive out there with these damn anxieties acting up.

 

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I had this rage/anger, as well.  It slowly subsided over time.  I still have the occasional "snap" of anger out of nowhere that makes me feel a bit out of control.  I have faith that this too will eventually disappear.

 

My advice would be not to try to glean any validation from the doctors right now.  More than likely you won't get any.  None of the doctors I saw would admit my symptoms were withdrawal related.  One told me it was my mercury fillings.  Really?

 

Let go of the doctors.  Continue your taper.  Heal.  When you feel well again you can sort it all out.  This isn't the time.  Take care of yourself, do what you can to relax.  Thinking on the injustice of it all will not help you right now.

 

 

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Your experience Travuz was unfortunately very typical.  I agree whole heartedly with L123.  I too am mad as hell, but I have come to the conclusion that it is counter productive for me to look for help with w/d symptoms because I will only get more frustrated with the ignorance in the medical community each time I do.

 

The only thing I do do now is print off relevent research papers I find in PubMed to take to my appointments in an effort to educate my doctors.  Who knows if they even read them or throw them in the trash?

 

But the way I look at it is the Pharmaceutical companies and Prescribing medical professionals are cutting their own throats by mass prescribing this stuff.  Eventually enough people will unfortunately be damaged and the word will get out.  And when it does it will be as Pandora's box.

 

But until then try to take an educational stance vs a blaming stance when it comes to doctors and you will be better received.  I in no way condone what that pdoc said to you, I think it was irresponsible at the very least.  But at this point in the w/d process try to just focus on healing and getting in a better frame of mind.  You can always be proactive later when you are feeling better.  It is hard enough just getting through a day at this fragile stage.

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[9e...]

Thank GOD someone posted about the rage. I have been brewing over here for MONTHS and was hoping that I was not the only one. I completely understand the rage and anger directed at the MDs, but I do as Perserverance suggested, and I hold that in until I am well. At that point in time, when I am better mentally and psychologically, I plan to take a stance and to confront the MDs that caused this senseless suffering. In my mind, it is my DRIVING FORCE to continue on to full healing so that I can PROVE to them that I am not crazy, I am not depressed, I am not suffering from any "anxiety disorder", I am not manic or any of the things that I've been falsely labeled with. It was and ALWAYS HAS BEEN the DRUGS.

 

Do not feel alone in the rage and anger. I have found that I HAVE to control it. When I first came home from detox and my C/T, I had NO idea what was wrong w/ me. I was promised by them that I would be detoxed and would be "fine" by the time my 30 days was up. They lied, deceived me, took my money and sent me home broken and in terrible turmoil. The rage would come out of nowhere, I screamed at my father, I screamed at counselors, I screamed at my 82 year-old Grandmother. I was a MESS. Now, since reinstating and doing a slow taper, I still feel it creep up here and there and when it does, I HAVE to do something to keep myself occupied or to distract my brain from it. Otherwise, I lash out and it is ALL-consuming and I am later left w/ the guilt that I have hurt people that I did not intend to hurt.

 

It can all become a vicious cycle as well, you rage, you lash out, the rage builds up more, the symptoms get worse, you feel worse, you feel more rage, the symptoms get worse, you lash out again...and so on and so forth...then enters the guilt, you start to tell yourself that you are a bad person and that no one will ever love or forgive you once you're well, that they will get sick of putting up with it before your healing is complete, then enters the depression and despair. I have lived all of this. I now try to just remain as calm as possible, even if that means isolating myself. I keep my mind occupied and stay away from the people who trigger my rage. There is no "off switch" in W/D, so we have to be super diligent about training ourselves to keep things at bay as much as possible, so as not to hurt other people, especially the ones that we love. I'm ALL for taking out the rage and aggression in productive ways, however, if you can find something like that to do...a punching bag, a pillow, a long walk in the woods where you just scream, whatever it takes. Just get it out or learn to cope w/ it as best you can so that you don't wind up pushing away all of your support.

 

Oh the RAGE...how I despise it!! We will all be the calm-natured, keep our cool, intelligent, rational adults that we once were in time...Remind yourself over and over it again...it's NOT YOU, it's THE DRUG.

 

Hang in there all of my fellow ragers...

Much love to all, Nicole

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This is exactly why I haven't been back to the Dr. since this whole mess started. I wouldn't be able to contain myself if I were to get that kind of attitude.

 

And the whole "You are punishing yourself for taking yourself off of the medications" thing is priceless. They prescribe you s#!t that turns you into an anxious, depressed, pessimistic bundle of raw nerves. Then they fail to diagnose the medication being the problem, and finally when you manage to diagnose YOURSELF with benzo WD they tell you it's all in your head.

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Travuz, I hear you loud and clear. I was polydrugged by a psychiatrist but won't go into it here, you can see my signature. I was on Paxil and it's a dirty drug but I was on it for 10 yrs before I wised up. I was on 30mg and running a B&B so could only cut my doses in the off tourist season. I was fortunate in having a good GP who prescribed for me until I was off it. My last 10 mg I had compounded meds and only cut .5 mg ever 4 wks. I was also in Ativan tolerance but didn't know it at the time.

Paxil and Paxil WD causes terrible anger so you did very well to get off it CT, I can't imagine what you must have gone through coming off 60mg.

 

Some things that I found helpful was to cut out caffeine totally, even yet today one cup of real tea makes my anger worse. Chamomile tea with a small amount of honey was good for me.  I tried to exercise when I wasn't too sick and I wrote a lot. It helped me to pound the keys even if I tore it up. Walking was good for me if I could try to keep my mind off the things that I was angry about. I always played my favourite radio station or put music on this helped me a lot.

 

I still fly off the handle way too fast and have to try not to let myself get steamed up but I do find that I'm feeling better than I did. The doctor that you saw is not worth getting upset over as there are many of them like that but there are also good ones. Reading on the forum and trying to help others if you feel well enough is a good thing to do. You will get better but we have to work at it until we do. You are not alone, these drugs do this to us. Good Luck!

 

Frannie

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OMG!!!!  I am soooo sorry for what everyone is going thru with the rage BUT I am soooo happy that I am not alone.  I was going to do a post on this exact topic and so glad I am not alone.  I have had the worse anger the last week then I have ever experienced in my life.  I also ran out of the house because I was about to hit someone.  I throw things and cuss like a sailor.  I feel so bad because the person I am doing this too, is sick with his own issues and I am making his life worse then it already is.  It is so strange to me that this has just happened lately.  When I went thru the major reduction of K to Lor b4 Valium, I was timid and afraid of everything, now I want to beat the crap out of anyone. 

 

I hope I am not going to stay this way but my life is extremely stressful.  I hope the benzos didnt help me with this and I will be stuck mad at the world................. :(

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Frannie

 

I could write all day about the horrors that Paxil put me through; though I pity the people who witnessed it all. I don't remember much of those years, but the things I am told that I did and said...make me cringe, make me hate myself, and have ruined my life. I have only a few friends left...less than 2 to be exact. I spent all my savings without a care. I have a room full of junk...now I have locked that door because I cannot stand to be in that room. I sleep on the floor...outside that room. Paxil changed me completely, in ways that I am still unable to understand. I went from being the kindly Jekyll and Paxil brought out that horrible monster Mr. Hyde. My personality was transformed and I ceased to exist...I left this mortal plain. Overly dramatic...but it is the solemn truth. The only problem is I don't know where Paxil started and where Clonazepam has left off.

 

The withdrawals from Paxil were frightening and mortifying. The Zaps would sap my strength and sometimes they were so brutal...I could barely catch my breath. The list of symptoms I would experience are long...it is 3 pages long. I pretty much ran the whole gamut of withdrawal symptoms. I went days trying to figure out what was going on. Zap...cog fog...depersonalization...apathy and that horrid dark depression. Finally I inputted Paroxetine into "Bing"(yes I bing) and up came Paxil. I was confused at first...then my stomach sank when I found a support group for Paxil and read the horror stories. I was at a loss and yet happy at the same time. I finally understood what had happened to me...how I lost 5 years of my life. Unfortunately Clonazepam would then take another 2 more years off. C/T from Clonazepam was far more brutal that Paxil. I have never experienced so much all encompassing pain and confusion in all my life. 

 

While on Paxil...one day I was cutting something and I sliced open my finger. I did not feel it, even though it was quite deep...in other words it was an open wound that should have been stitched. I looked down at it but didn't much care and I felt no pain...nothing, nada...zilch. I noticed blood running down my finger but I did not react. I just shrugged it off while my blood continued dripping away, I eventually placed a bandage and thought nothing of it.

 

Off Paxil...I had the most profound experience. That light at the end of the tunnel moment. I was at Starbucks getting my usual frap. There was a little girl playing around...rolling on the floor and giggling merrily away. I smiled.  That's it, I smiled. After so m any years of being shut down I had produced a smile. I got home and I wept for a good half hour. I smiled...I tasted a part of my humanity again.  So now...why would I ever want to lose that again. Why would any of us want to give that up. So you know I was off of Clonazepam, as I had decided that it was time to stop all medication. Days later I was at the doctors because of an upset stomach and weird symptoms. He said it was anxiety. Again...I only found out much, much later that it was indeed the beginnings of withdrawal. I renistated Clonazepam, and without realizing it; my world was slowly being shut off again.

 

L123, Perseverance, lamberfn, FloridaGuy, renee

 

As far as the rage; today it was slightly managable. Though I did get angry, I was able to control it to some extent. The rage is more subdued, thank God for that. Thank you for all your advice but I think I've already mentioned that where I live...it just is not conducive to healing in any way, shape or form. Everyday there are problems and issues that show up, which simply makes it impossible for me to contain my sanity; let alone my anger. I try my hardest to heal but I am always facing these obstacles and events that make me wonder if God himself is conspiring against me. It's so sad to think that for the longest time all I've ever been is either bitter or angry. I am mad at my doctor for giving me this crap. I am angry that I was so lost, that I did not do my homework...I did not even do any research like I would normally have done. I always hated medication, but life events kicked me down so hard...I had given up, didn't care and took this crap to end my misery. Funny how this poison turned out to actually aggravate my misery to the Nth degree.

 

I have a very dim recollection of those Paxil years. Very dim as in, I don't remember much at all. It took me forever to get back to writing coherently. It took perseverance to get this far...I gave it my all to get my cognition back.  C/T literally knocked the wind out of me.  It made me go insane to the point where I was running in and out of the house and right after, going for walks to burn off all that sudden energy and adrenaline rush. When I would look into a mirror each day, all I saw was this frightened, lost, horrified face looking back at me. Some strange window opened up and I was faced with this rush of coherence. I saw all my past mistakes...I saw everything that befell me as a child, and I was made fully aware of why my life was as it was. I fought tooth and nail to regain my sanity, and now I am tired. Sometimes I just want to give up the ghost. I feel that the fight has left me and being chained to that bottle of compounded Clonazepam...I feel so helpless.

 

My psychiatrist is actually OK but sometimes he yawns, and of course that sets off these thoughts that he doesn't care. Talk therapy is just that, talking and most of the times it is him doing the yapping. I have been fighting this on my own. I have been buying books by the boatful for answers to all this. I pray to God to give me insight and guidance...but I fear it falls on deaf ears. Meditation saved my life and kept some of those intrusive thoughts at bay. Fear sets them off. The unknown makes them worse. I wish I could do what you all suggest...I am taking care of myself as best I can...but most people I talk to about this look at me as if I am crazy.  Then there are those who suggest getting on an A/D.  I want off of this crap. I just want to be a normal human being, not some drugged up thing. I want to experience life again because all I think today, is that I was "shut off" within my own mind and from this world for 5 long years because of Paxil. Clonazepam left me feeling "otherwordly". I would wake up feeling out of it. Never really complete or satiated; even though I slept the night. A good night sleep...it left me exhausted. When I woke, my eyes felt heavy and burning; while my brain felt empty but heavy. Something was/is missing. I can go on and on. But with that small amount of Clonazepam, that I thought I was ingesting; I was still not myself. I was just passing through this world. I seemed to be outside of reality. I can't even explain it but for one moment in time...when I had been off Paxil and Clonazepam...I tasted my old life. A window to the past opened. I was my old former self and now I long to go back. I want to be me again.

 

Thank you all for your replies and for caring.

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Travuz, I can relate to everything that you've said about Paxil. I, too spent all of my savings and then started using my charge cards. This seems to be quite common with Paxil use. There are parts of my life that are totally blocked out but I will take the rest of it back. I won't let Paxil and the horrors of Ativan win so I'm doing a slow taper and trying to do the best that I can with it. You shouldn't be sleeping on the floor as you need to get as much sleep as you possibly can. I know that it's hard to do what others tell us when we are sick but caffeine for me made my anger worse. If your still going to Starbucks maybe you could switch over to decaffeinated. You will be surprised at how much better you will feel. I'm off Paxil two years last November and it's only lately that I can let go of the anger for the lost years and glad that I'm able to as it was only making me sicker. I do have anger from benzo WD but it's getting somewhat better. I still have to watch myself.

 

Frannie

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I just wanted to tell you I can relate to your Paxil nightmare.  I was put on Lexapro and Valium and Lexapro w/d was my first taste of Hell.  I lost myself on that drug...and almost everything my husband and I owned.  While on the drug I spent money recklessly, compulsively gambled and almost bankrupted us.  I chain smoked and emptied the bank account every week on useless 'stuff'.  I sold a coin collection to gamble and anything else I could get my hands on.  My husband begged me to get off...I c/t'd out of ignorance and at the advice of my doctor.  I sat in a chair for weeks unable to blink my eyes or move my head from the brain zaps.  Still, I can say that it was not as bad is this benzo w/d.  I was not consumed with unrelenting fear and doom....lighteadedness, staggering around like I was drunk...I did not wake up in the morning with raging cortisol rushes.  I too decided after my experience with Lexapro to get off Valium.  I am weaning slowly...too slow...have been in tolerance for months but because of my Lexapro nightmare am afraid to go any faster.  My husband has been putting up with me and various stages of  w/d's for almost two years now.  I have just had to ask him to not go on a fishing trip with his friends as the night terrors are too frightening and I don't want to be alone.  I can see why our friends and family desert us....no one has seen me 'normal' since 2007 when I popped my first pill.

 

And...relating to cutting yourself while on Paxil...I fell on a cement floor with a load of firewoood in my arms while on Lexapro.  By the time I got in the house my forearm was the size of a football.  When I walked into Urgent Care, the nurse came running towards me with a shot of Demerol.  I told her I didn't have pain...NONE.  I had bone chips around my wrist and was put in one of those inflatable casts.  I never felt a thing...not even a twinge.

 

I hope to find a smile someday...like you did....and not the kind where you just curl your lips in a dead, expected response.

 

Donna

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Off Paxil...I had the most profound experience. That light at the end of the tunnel moment. I was at Starbucks getting my usual frap. There was a little girl playing around...rolling on the floor and giggling merrily away. I smiled.  That's it, I smiled. After so m any years of being shut down I had produced a smile. I got home and I wept for a good half hour. I smiled...I tasted a part of my humanity again.

 

Last month I had a similar experience. I had to pick up a few things for my motorcycle class so I stopped by the mall. As I was walking in I started to get anxious but I made it into the store and started looking around. Then an amazing thing happened. I started to feel good.

 

I decided to savor the moment and walked over to a couple more stores. By the time I got to the third one I was having a hard time containing the overwhelming feelings of happiness. It was almost at the point where I started to get self conscious about it because I thought other people might start to see it in my face and think I was crazy for feeling so good.

 

That was the first time I smiled and really felt it in a long, long time. It was amazing.

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FloridaGuy

 

That's exactly how I felt...just like Gene Kelly; as he was dancing and singing in the rain. I was born again...for that small moment in time, I had been set free. As I continued to walk around...that simple smile grew and soon a feeling enshrouded me...that warmed me all over; to the point that I also got a bit self conscious. It was like that moment, from my all time fave movie Scrooge...the part where Scrooge is giddy with laughter, clicking his heals and running around with delight because he had finally seen the light. He understood that there was something more to XMas, that he had missed out on, for all those years. Funny isn't it, Scrooge was unhappy and caged in...just like someone on an a/d and benzo...yet with a little help and subsequent withdrawal...he was back to who he was and lived a happy life thereafter. 

 

That feeling of happiness has since eluded me. It was such a small morsel to be had...but I remember it like it happened yesterday. And I crave to be that person again; instead I constantly feel like I am forcing a smile on my face and the small banter...comes out sounding forced, foolish and desperate. 

 

damaged123, Frannie

 

I sleep on the floor because everytime I enter that room...it is a reminder of all my mistakes. It is a reminder of how desperate I was to fill that void that Paxil had created within me...that soon after, was also released out into the unsuspecting world as vitriol. I lost everything and so I began to spend money to fill that emptiness. It was obvious how empty Paxil made me feel because I spent every cent. Today...I have more control over my spending habits...the little that I have; after freeing myself from that other poison I had ingested. I think my subconcious mind saw through the facade, and knew something was amiss. I was lving within a fogged, darkened brain, and yet a part of me sought out happiness and fulfilment.

 

I had chased away all my friends and relatives and so I tried to replace them with objects...false idols at best.  Yet I continued to be unhappy...which led to anger...which led to me losing more and spending more and eating more. I went from 160 up to 195. I just didn't care anymore about anything or anyone and at one time, I even boasted that I was Superman...nay I was God. I felt invincible and untouchable and I took no hostages. I said hurtful things...sometimes blasphemous things. Now I am humbled because after c/t I became aware again...my mind is somewhat clearer...I can think again. Yes I get cog fog and those problems with cognition and sometimes I fall into this stupor...but I remember things more clearly after c/t and I don't understand why now...after all these years. Why did it take this incident for me to suddenly be awakened? Now I am stripped bare. I have nothing left. It is my shame to bear and Clonazepam...increases that feeling x2, and just to really rub in more salt into this gaping wound...there is that all encompassing guilt and a depression so thick...you could possibly cut it with a knife.

 

When and if I get out of this...I continue to wonder what do I do with my life. I have no money. I get a lousy stipend each month. I will not be able to survive this world, if anything should ever happen to my parents. I have no skills because all my life I focused on being an arist. Today I can hardly draw at all...I just stare at a blank piece of paper and am unmotivated and bitter and resentful for losing out...for failing at everything. I feel so lost and I just don't know what tomorrow will bring. I want to leap back into life, but I no longer know what I can offer or if there is anything I am capable of. I feel so stupid, small and insignificant.

 

Strange how life continues to kick sand into my face. I have found someone I love dearly and my fear is that I won't be able to accomplish anything...should I succeed in getting Clonazepam out of my system. She is the only good thing to happen to me; but with my parents being so old and me without money, I am afraid she and I will never be able to join together. Somedays I feel that it would be better, if I just told her that it would be best to break this relationship off. Sometimes I ask God to help her find someone who is not so damaged as I. There are days where I hope she finds someone who will be able to take care of her. Then I cry for hours because if I should ever lose her...there will be nothing left in my life but loneliness and loss. Why did I ever take this crap?

 

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

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Travuz,

 

You're an excellent writer. You should consider writing a book when you get your energy back. I'd buy it.

 

 

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Thank you FloridaGuy

 

Your compliment warmed this weary heart...I often thought that if my art career did not take off, maybe I could write. For some reason I feel old now. My imagination is gone. My brain hurts from constantly ruminating, ideation and a host of other things. Really I feel like there are two people inside my skull duking it out. I guess there is also the fear that if I wrote anything, it would take to long and probably fail. Yes, I am also very proficient at self sabotage.

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