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losing everything


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I'm 17months now.  Still not to the point to where I can function when it comes to big things like working, moving, etc. 

 

I have lost many, many things over the last 2 years. Some to benzos, some not.  I have lost basically my mom who died, my sister (who is on the drugs and has gone crazy), my husband, most of my friends, most of my personal belongings, my ability to work, think, care for myself.

 

Now I am losing my support system.  My only adult child is moving thousands of miles away from me.  Her husband is in the military and just got orders.  She just found out that she is pregnant, so add my first grandchild to the list.

 

The loss is enough to deal with.  We are very very close.  She is my closest friend.  Now i don't have anyone for emergencies.  I still have a small child at home who is handicapped.  What will i do if I need to go to the hospital?  His father works/lives several states away.

 

Everytime I get to the point to where I think I might be coming out of this, life knocks me down again.  Not just little everyday thing, but big things like a death, disability, moving, etc.  Things that would stress even a normal person out.

 

I just can't get a break!!!  I'm fighting hard to live, but is it worth it.  I think God hates me.

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I'm so sorry believe.  I can relate as I just found out that I may lose my sister-in-law's help which I too so greatly depended on.  I had to think that when one door closes another one opens.  At this point I have no idea who would replace her, but I am holding on to the hope that no matter what God will carry me through this some how.

 

I thought some of the same things you are thinking.  Like the hospital in case of emergency, but then I thought I could always call 911 if worse came to worst.

 

Would your daughter consider moving you to a place near her and help you with that?  I know you said she was pregnant, I don't know how far along she is, but it came to mind so I thought I would suggest this to you.

 

I don't know your financial situation, but there are various agencies around my area I was thinking about contacting to help me as I still am unable to clean, shop, or cook.

 

As far as your support system, well, you always have us.  I know you are probably still in the shock of getting this news.  I am so sorry for you.

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Thanks for your reply perserverance.

 

I'm not in the position to go anywhere.  I own my house here in OK and can't even think about leaving it at this time.  It's the one thing I have left.

 

It is at least safe here with no crime.  I'm on state insurance, so if I move I will lose my health insurance also.  Not any agencies to help me here because wd isn't recognized as a disablity.

 

Barely making it as it is.  If it wasn't for my X I would have been homeless by now.  Not a very good position to be in.  Very insecure situation to say the least to be dependent on someone who left you because you were sick.

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I'm dependent on many people who don't believe I am going through this believe.  I can't care for my daughter so I am at the mercy of my ex-husband to even see her.  I can't work, drive, ride in a car, shower, stand or see much, etc. and find it hard to believe I'm not going to go absolutely insane.  If I had to go anywhere or do anything for anyone, I'd be dead.  My parents are both dying of cancer and I can't help.  I have two developmentally disabled sisters who are very sick and taking care of my parents and I can't do anything for them either.  I have asked God again and again why He has allowed this for the last 18 months.  I'm beginning to see that He is changing my needs and desires and as far as helping others, He wants me to get out of the way and let others help who haven't for too long.

 

Just when I think I can't take it anymore and I'm sure I'm going to die, He brings me comfort from someone, some Scripture, some person who believes in me and my ability to heal or some little thing to hold onto to get me through until tomorrow.  You have been one of those people and I so wish I could do that for you dear! 

 

God doesn't hate you, He just thinks we can handle more than we think we can and from His perspective, it's all going to be ok.

 

Love you!

 

Mary

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Hi believe i too am 17 months now and cannot function with anything big, but i imagine myself working, laughing, sleeping again someday.  It has just been over the last week that i have felt some "strength", not better but this strength starting to bubble up.  I too still struggle hour to hour but last week i was able to do slightly more chores.  I am stuggling today 3 hours sleep last night, the curtain rod feel and i was startled awake and there was no going back to sleep.

 

I have lost all my family and my nonbenzo friends except for my husband and children, i got so tired of trying to convience them, i just stopped talking to them all together.  I look at it like it is a temp. thing, one day it will go back to norm.  But for now i look at it like in order to help other people i have to help myself-kind of like in a plane put the oxygen mask on myself first so that i may help others after.  On the up side i have felt validated and loved by complete strangers on this site.  We are here for each other.

 

As for emergency contact, you can call 911, or even get a medi alert bracelet, you can still have your daughter be your incase of emergency she will just call for you.  It is so hard when it comes to our children, through this wd my daughters issues, she has a life threatening genetic condition, are mine but sooooo intensified.  On the up side my daughter is healthly this week. 

 

It is so worth it, there are thousands of people not hundreds, but thousands before us that say it is worth it, you and I and all of the people will get through this one minute, hour, day at a time. 

much love and healing  - tammie

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