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Life ruined by a doctor


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My family was in huge crisis mode when my (now ex) husband fell off a roof a was paralyzed.  The stress caused my blood pressure to sky rocket and the doc put me on Xanax-1mg a day, with a referral to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist then gave me a script for 5 refills of for .5 mg x 4 daily.  I became a drug addict who never even used illegal drugs as a kid. In January 2010 I went to a detox center and got off totally in 11 days.  I did not know about titrating but it really would not have made a difference because when I moved from NC to NY State, no doctors would give me a prescription for xanax.  They all wanted me to get on Klonapin and by that point I KNEW what that meant.  I was just incredibly grateful to have a place that would help me at least through the detox. At that point I was within weeks of just going cold turkey off 6 mgs a day and was scared to death.

 

Two years after the doc prescribed Xanax (and every antidepressant medication created) my husband divorced me and, my kids cut me off totally (my personality and behavior totally changed and I did things I never had done in my entire life!) Three years after this I I lost my career as a school counselor and remarried a man I would NEVER have married off benzos who has made my life a living hell.  Oh, and I lost my home to foreclosure.  Prior to my husband's fall - I was very happy with a  wonderful family, career, beautiful home and active social life.  Xanax made me into a person I never would have been and raped me of an incredible life.  While I am very glad to be off that horrid drug and one of my sons has let me back in his life, I struggle daily with memories of the past and a future that promises very little improvement.  I was 51 when I got off and the job market isn't exactly begging people that age to

get their careers going.  I stay in my marriage because I do not have the income to support myself.  I try everyday to have a positive attitude but most of me just wishes my life would end.

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lifestolen,

 

Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

 

I'm sorry to read about all the problems the Xanax caused.

 

You will find plenty of support here.

 

Sigma.

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Hi lifestolen

 

So good to see that you're off Xanax, that's a huge accomplishment!

 

So much of what you said mirrors my thoughts as well, I feel my life was stolen and I'm having to start completely over at age 49. I'm sorry to read about your misfortunes but you've got to be feeling better about yourself for conquering benzos  :thumbsup:

 

Are you still having symptoms? we're here to support you. Welcome to BenzoBuddies :)

 

 

Star

 

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Hi lifestolen,

 

Such an appropriate name!  We should start a 'life ruined by a doctor' club - That would be funny if this all weren't so tragic, right?  I just want you to know that many of us have similar stories, and we are here to support you.  So glad you found Benzobuddies, you will meet great people here.

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Hello lifestolen, Welcome to Benzobuddies.

 

It seems that you have lost a lot from your battle with benzos.  I am sorry to see that you have went through so much being on these drugs and during your recovery.

 

The good news is that you are benzo free and these drugs are no longer manipulating your body and mind making you into someone you are not.  How are you doing symptom-wise?  Where would you rate your recovery?

 

I know things seem bleak, but you managed to make it through a cold turkey... so I know that you are a strong person who can regain her life back.  It won't be the same as it used to be, but sometimes that is a good thing.  Some of us manage to get right back on our feet after a battle with benzos while others have to take time to pick up the pieces and reassess their lives.

 

I hope your participation in this forum serves as a good tool to aid in your recovery. 

 

Crono

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lifestolen,

I try everyday to have a positive attitude but most of me just wishes my life would end.

You have been though many changes in the past few years along with benzo "stuff".  I also sincerely hope you are not suicidal.  As someone who has felt that way in the past, and losing both my sister and my mom to suicide, I can say with certainty that 1) it leaves a legacy of pain and guilt for children and loved ones that never goes away and 2)Feelings  DO/CAN

change.  I hope that if you are feeling extremely depressed, that you get the help you need and deserve. 

I think every one of here at BB's has losses of varying degrees.  For me, once, I started reading (And I do a lot of it here!) I rapidly realized that my sister, who committed suicide 9 months after a hospitalization/rapid detox off of huge amounts of ativan, was going though benzo w/d before she died, and no one understood what she was going though nor did she have the support to get though it.  I have lost sooo much to this drug, I feel determined not to let it take any more from my life!!!

I hope you also find comfort on this wonderful site like I have.  There are boards on depression/symptoms and yes, healing(!!!!!) that happens with getting off benzos and with time and support. 

Blessings, and welcome,

itzsweird

 

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I agree that MD's are far too quick to dispense these mind **** drugs.  Today (and I could feel completely different tomorrow) I need to take responsibility for my part.  The fact is that benzo's are insidious, much like alcohol (of which I also have experience) in that they tell you "you are feeling juuuuuust fine".  Then comes a time when they say "you are still ok, but that anxiety/panic/depression you are feeling is because you just didn't get enough in the first place".  Begin the spiral.  I have never met an alcoholic whose bartender warned him/her that "If you increase how much of this stuff you drink, it could very well have control of your life some day".  The first time an MD increases your benzo's he/she should give you this warning.  I dare say, few if any of us were given that warning.  I'm not saying you should have known better and send you all the calming thoughts I can with this message.  I am in benzo hell, but I still have hope that my life has not been ruined.  I hope and pray that yours has not as well ... but I certainly sympathize with you.  Hugz to you my buddy.
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Thanks to all of you for the encouraging words.  Everything but my sleep has returned to normal and even then I cannot complain - the worst symptoms I had was insomnia and my body twitching.  I basically did not go anywhere for the first 8 months after getting out of detox.  I do not feel a sense of accomplishment for getting off the benzos - relief would better explain my sentiment about it.  Even while going through all the awful symptoms I never once felt a desire to take a Xanax.  I quit smoking about 6 months into it and found that habit incredibly difficult to break without obsessing.  They told me NOT to try to quit while I was at detox and I was very glad they didn't push that one on me - which seems to be the latest fashionable thing to do at rehabs and detox units.  Quitting one thing at a time was great advice and worked for me.  I am looking forward to getting to know you all! 
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  • 4 weeks later...

Woke up again sobbing.  It often seems like all night long all I do is replay the tape of the once wonderful life I had and wake up to all the realities of it.  I want so badly to do something with my life but it feels like my brain is in stuck mode!  I desperately need  to find a job so that I can get out of my horrendous marriage - but I fear nobody will ever want me again.  My work record is now totally screwed and the likelihood of obtaining another school counselor position is slim to none, especially given the impact of the economy on schools.  My latest strategy has been to visualize in great detail, a totally new life.  I am hoping this will not backfire on me.  When I went back to college at 35 years of age, it was as big a surprise to me as anybody but it seemed to be the only thing that would get me out of the rut I was in living with an alcoholic husband and drug user. It worked beautifully then, but I was younger and could attribute the large gap in employment to the very acceptable one of raising children.  This time, nobody will accept the explanation I have, although I feel more competent than ever to serve in the role for which I was trained.

 

So I sit here with my brain in major depressed mode knowing there is absolutely NO magic pill to take and with a conviction that suicide is definitely not an option because nobody really knows what awaits on the other side.  Just because I do not understand  how God does things, does not make the Bible any less true.  Last year I went to a home study group I attended used  "The Truth Project" series and I am 100% convinced the Bible IS true from cover to cover .  Since so much of my world was blown to smithereens when I discovered the truth about the unproven 1950's chemical imbalance theory, and the drugs made to supposedly address diseases that do not exist, I needed to know if my Christian faith was just as bogus.  There is a definite comfort in knowing the only thing bogus about Christianity was my own perception of how God works.  I still often feel like I have been hidden from his view but something a pastor said this Sunday cemented my resolve to test the thought that life would be better if I just killed myself.  He said to imagine a place where  absolutely NO good exists at all and ponder that thought for a second.  That caused me to think about what the world is like right now and although there is definitely horrible things occurring, there definitely is good that exists.  I thought of some basic good things that I take for granted and deleted them from the life equation and the result was hell.  I have no idea why a loving God would permit a place like hell to exist anymore than I can understand why he would allow all that has happened to me, to happen.  But again, I must face the fact that just because I do not understand it does not irradiate the existence of God.

 

Well now, I certainly have been successful at allowing several hours of my life pass by.  YEAH!!!!

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I too was prescribed a Benzo by my doctor and thought it was harmless. Everything I know about Benzos I've learned in the past six months. I've felt like something was different about me (behavior) for a long time but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Now I'm wondering how much of my life has been altered from the effects of Benzos.

 

All you can do is put it behind you and move on.

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You were not a drug addict, you were chemically dependant.  There is a great difference.  Doctors did this to you. I'm sure you were uninformed like most of us and were left to educate yourself about these horrid drugs.

 

I know that you feel like your life has been ruined but you beat benzos.  That makes you an incredibly strong person!

 

We are all here for you.

 

Nancy

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Its now the moving on with life part that I am finding incredibly difficult to do these days.  The number of friends I have is very limited and there just is not much going on in my world.  Memories of the past have few replacement ones.
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Thank you Nancy - I don't think I could ever hear that message.  On the flip side,  I do not feel like I am any stronger than a person who say had a broken leg, had surgery and rehabbed it.  A person just has no other choice in the matter.  I will believe I am strong when I am over being so freaking depressed and mad!
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