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HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE , I DONT GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!


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Hi I dont get this how being on for only!!!! 4 1/2 of K , and now off 13.5Mths tomorrow taht I can be still suffering , back in August I was feeling almost like myself, I had amazing windows almost felt 100% recovered , even in March I felt 90% normal on a window , since then I dont know what happened I feel I went down hill since then , more symptoms , more intensity , less windows , I never took anything at all !!!! to make this happen , so why did this happen , is it possible that my body chemistry just stopped !!!! trying !!!!!! it gave up!!!!!! I fear every day that it will alwys be like this . I just had a few good days with no pain !!!! but still really uncomfortable , Idont feel like I have windows anymore just less intensity , my windows b4 were alot better I had the burning actually leave , no residual from it at all!!!! now nothing completly goes anymore , even the anxiety Never goes 100% away like it did b4 , its always rated as low . Has anyone evry expercience taht at all!!!! I am exreeamly worried . Its either carpet burning I have or Stinging or both , and the sad part its not just in a small area I get all over . I draed gng to the BR , I get weak , sting, and /or pressure around my head /neck after gng , what if theres so much too much nerve damage down there , that it will repair itself again. Its hard to be optimistic every day gng through this . Just wondering if anyone else this far off experience the feeling of getting worst on times , I cant believe having all those windows every mth since I C/T that I can be still suffering this long out .Thanks for reading . God Bless us all!!!!!
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Oh Laura...

 

You know were at the exact same time frame and I to still have about 5 sxs..

I think your suffering much more then me but still I read alot here that alot of people acually get hit real hard from month 12 to 16 so we need to keep looking up ..

 

Your fighting like a animal I know and soon laura you will have beat this I just know it..

This is not permenent noway...Hold on dear soon you will be at that finish line with  Omg so many of us there to be so thankful along side you...

 

xoxoxox love ya ..Jenny

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Hi Laura, I am so sorry you are having it so rough, I feel terrible hearing that. I have heard of others getting waves after a year off, so its not uncommon. Healing on average is 6-18 months so you are still within that time frame, with some people taking longer. It is not permanent, keep fighting Laura, you will heal and get your life back. I know you are tired of it and I understand, but please do not give up hope, hang in there hun.
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The way the symptoms come and go and change in their intensity tells me it's withdrawal.  I have to admit, it's really screwing with you though, you're not catching any breaks, that's for sure.  I can't compare notes with you because I was on a huge amount of Klonopin, and then a few months later I started taking huge amounts of Ambien.  That stuff made things better, then horribly worse for me, but when I quit the Ambien, 14 months after the Klonopin, I felt much better, and declared myself healed.  

 

I've seen this stuff mess with other short term users, Matteo for one, and he's healed and gone now.  It has to be the benzo's Laura, it has to be and if it is, then you will heal completely, no damage.

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Hey,

 

I had a similar experience.  I had a great window around month 11 and I thought I was on the other side, then I got hammered with wave after wave between months 12 and 15.  I started seeing improvements again at about month 16 and now at 19 months I am doing considerably better.  Hang in there, there is no rhyme or reason to any of this madness.

 

Ryan

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Hi Laura, Please try not to worry too much. I know thats easier said than done. Right before I sat down to the computer I was thinking that my vestibular issues have felt more intense the last few days and then I start to worry. I have to remind myself how many sx I had a year ago and that so many of them have gone away. I think its just the nature of healing from a benzo, it takes a lot of time, and sx can increase or decrease. Theres not much we can do to change that fact. What we can try and do is just accept things as best we can. I know you werent really on that long, but you were on longer than the recommended 3 wks...so maybe you are just very sensitive to meds. Dont compare your healing to anyone elses, we are all different. We all get different sx too..I never had the benzo belly thing but have been hit really hard with the parasthesias like you. these sx are self limiting and will heal eventually I believe. The fact you have windows is a sure sigh of healing. Be really brave Laura, just like you have been all along. Love, Colleen 
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Laura do you use biofreeze? It helps a little with the burning and stinging type things, I use it along with gel ice packs.
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I just worry abt the nerve symptoms , is it possible having all this burning/pins and needles /stinging /carpet burning for this long can cause permanent damage to my nerve endings , is it Nerve endings that are stinging like this or is it caused from the Brain sending mixed messages. Thank you Colleen , praying for better days for all of us . Love you xoxoox
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Laura, the way I understand it is that the nerves and muscles are reacting because the brain is in an overly excited state. I dontbelieve the actual nerve endings are damaged. I really hope and pray things improve dramatically for you very soon. Love,Colleen
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Colleen very well said... ;)

Laura  I agree completly!!!!

Hang in girl and know this battle is almost over...

 

xo with such love...Jenny

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Laura,

 

For 13 months you've asked the same question over and over and never accept the answer, that there is no time frame, there is no reason.

 

Please ask yourself this:  What do you want to hear? If someone said "Yes, you are permanently damaged, you will never be any different than you are today", what would you do? Would you accept it and apply every suggestion on how to cope that's been offered (breathing, meditation, CBT, EFT, tai chi, mindfullness, counseling, etc) in order to carry on with your life?

 

Or would you instead just curl up in a ball and retreat to the back of your closet, shutting out everyone and every good thing in order to wallow in self-pity and misery for the rest of your life?

 

Then, ask yourself: Why do I want someone to tell me that this is permanent?

 

Since you've spent the last 13 months questioning and arguing every good thing people have said to you, and met a dozen people who've been on the treadmill much longer than you, and others who've had similar symptoms as you and after a long time have had those symptoms leave, and you still choose to reject the absolute fact that there is no time frame, there is no reason, there are no answers, why don't you try on the alternate view - that it is permanent, that it is all your fault, that you're the only one who's suffered at 13 months out? If that makes you feel better, than believe that.

 

How you choose to live your life is entirely your choice.

 

It really appears to me that the only answer you will accept is that this is permanent, and my heart goes out to you.

 

As it always will.

 

Much love,

 

ginger

 

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Acceptence...Geez this has to be the hardest in this horror we expeirence in W/D!!!

Totally goes against all laws of human nature to go against the grain of what were going thru and for the lenght of time... :tickedoff:..

 

Laura we were just talking about this...No doubt you want to accept...And haveing such extreme pain for so long rises doubts for sure...

 

I know your going to be so good and get thru this awful expeirence soon your going to see huge improvements and ur sxs will slowly subside and all be gone for good!!! ;)

 

You keep fighting this good fight and keep ur head above water ok were all here to help you and keep you afloat!!!

 

xo much Love... :smitten:  Jenny

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Thanks Ginger, xoxoxoxo

 

I really just wanted to know if anyone else has got bad at this far out , if its common, and yes I would hibernate and give up on living if I knew I would have to endure this pain forever , when I am in this much pain its hard to do anything more theres no quality of life living like this .Thanks for replying hun . Painful to read but also truthful .

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I dont feel like I have windows anymore just less intensity , my windows b4 were alot better I had the burning actually leave , no residual from it at all!!!! now nothing completly goes anymore , even the anxiety Never goes 100% away like it did b4

 

I have heard many people say that their first year of withdrawal came in waves, but after a year, the waves stopped and things just very slowly starting dropping off. Maybe this is the case for you. I think that is going to be the case for me as well.

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Laura,

I know things are tough. I am going through w/d pretty bad. I don't leave my room except for cooking. using the bathroom, or the occasional appointment. I am still very bad at over 16 months off. So I know things are bad. I don't post and offer hope to a whole lot of people because I am struggling myself to do the simplest things.

 

However, I do know that I will heal, not because I have faith in some sort of god or savior, but because I trust human beings enough to know that the stories I read are truthful. I trust human beings to not lie about something this monumentally bad. I trust myself and my intellect to know that the information I have read over the passed 2 years about benzos is true and well researched.

 

 

I have stopped relying on others to tell me how this will go for me because I know they are only going to tell me what they think will happen and when. The truth is, NO ONE knows about when we will heal, only that WE WILL HEAL. They will just tell you nice things to help give you support and to try and give you hope. No one knows what to say to you or me or anyone else that has been suffering for a while. So they try and tell you the kindest thing they can, because NO ONE knows, not me, not them, not anyone, It becomes a guessing game.

 

The last thing I will add is...some people who get upset with you are miserable themselves and lash out because they want to see you healed and are tired of you "asking same question over and over and never accepting the answer". Well some people need to mind their own business if they can't offer support. This is a support forum and people like yourself are very fragile and sensitive and the whole tough love nonsense doesn't work with someone in benzo w/d. Some people should know better and mind their own business if they can't offer support.

 

I hope things ease up for both of us soon Laura. So many of us are hurting on a daily basis, but some of us need more support than others. Take care Laura.

 

Chrisw

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Hi Laura,

 

So sorry you are suffering this far out.  I truly wish I could tell you when this pain would end.  I don't have the answer you seek, I only know it will end.  Please don't give up.  You have been strong and even when you have suffered you have tried to comfort others. 

 

Please ignore the ignorance of those who are telling you that it may last forever.  She seems to have forgotten this is a help forum.  I bet she wouldn't be so sarcastic if she was in your shoes.

 

One day you will heal.  Just take comfort in knowing that. 

 

P.S.  ChrisW this goes for you also.

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Thank you Chris and Kenneth, Chris that was so beautiful and so true what you said sweetie , I cried reading what you wrote me hun, and Kenneth thank you as well for all your support and understanding and compassion, it is geatly appreciated from all ,y heart and soul. I truly Love you guys. Thank you , Thank you , Thank you. Youtr in my prayers.

 

Love Laura :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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Laura,

 

I have to say in all honesty that I am so glad to know you here.  I am continually impressed by how you reach out to others with love despite what you are dealing with on a day to day basis.  It is normal to want to hear that everything is going to be fine and SOON.  I ask that question every day and am grateful that I have been comforted by someone here each time, though I absolutely hate being so needy.  To say that we can no longer ask the question is ludicrous.  We know deep down that no one knows exactly what will happen, but just like anyone else who is suffering every day with whatever, we want to know when it will end.  That is not self-pity, it is a desire to survive and thrive--that's completely normal.  I agree with Chris that there has been far too much evidence that this does go..every bit of it.  In the times when the pain isn't as bad mentally and physically and I'm a bit more lucid, I can see how this will be a blessing in disguise for me and those that I love.  But most times I just want to cry.  Again, it's not self-pity, it's grieving the life that I have lost over the last 18 months and prayer that the next 18 will be better.

 

I love you and if I could take it all away from you I would.  But know that none of this experience will be wasted and that your life will be better than it ever was because you will appreciate every moment more than ever.

 

Mary

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And I applaud you for the incredible strength to not take another prescription med to "fix" what is going on.  I can imagine that is extremely difficult and am sure you've been recommended more benzos, a/ds, painkillers, etc. etc.!!
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Hi Martha, thank you for your compassion, undestanding , Love and Support , I am so greatful knowing you too, hun I would take it all aways from all of us if I can , my only thing I can do is continuing praying for all of us ., my heart not only crys for me it cries out for all of us , I hurt for everyone of you here , I truly Love you all from the bottom of my heart and soul , my heart is pure. I cant believe the Love I have here from strangers which I do consider family , a bigger, Loving  family that I could ever imagine possible. As far as giving support to anyone I am very guilty of that , I havent done that in a long time , its because I am in constant fear , afraid to read anything scarey , and afraid and extremly happey that someone recovered , cause then I question my self even more. I am afraid to even reead my  blogs at time, there were  times that I was suggested it  could be something else wrong with me ,and I truly believe everyone means well I really do , I have been to my Dr every week , and have alot and I mean alot of blood tests and xrays etc... to rule out everything , repeat blood work , it really set me back emotionally, mentally. Its hard for me accepting so hard as it is for alot of us. See I dont know if I ever told anyone this but when I was 17 years old my EX husband tried to well I will say harm me, he was very violent and extremly jealous, he actually pushed perscribtion drugs of heart pills , sleeping pills etc down my throat and told me I wasnt worth anything , I had no reason to live he was extremly absusive to me but I wont get into that and attempted serious harm on other times, I had my stomach pumped and was told I was very lucky , so I have an extreme fear , but this time they werent forced down my throat but I was never told of the harm it can do as any of you havent either,. So I all I hear in my head is I am gng to die, and I have nothing to live for . Please I am not looking for pity , I am just expressing maybe thats why I need so much assurance . I am in a Loving marriage now and to this day I need assurance , sometimes I try to assure myself , but its hard . I had always been afraid of pills, but I beat myself up everyday for taking that pill, I dont blame anyone not even my Dr , I blame myself. Sorry for being sappy , I am not writing this for attention, I know there are a few others that also wonder why I need so much or too much reasurrance and I am so sorry about that. Thank you for listening . I Love you all very much xoxoxoxo forever
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Laura--I struggle with horrors from my past as well that are incredibly magnified by this experience, so I TOTALLY get it!  One of these experiences was in college when someone put a date rape drug in my drink and it almost killed me.  So yes I get it!!!

As hard as it is, I try to set things aside from what is going on today, but it's really hard so I applaud you for trying too!  Love you!

Mary

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Laura, I'm really sorry you still have problems this far out, but you've had some fabulous windows and that's just proof that it will all end some day. I really hope that day comes soon, God knows you've had enough.  :(
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