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A decision I must make


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Once again, I am hoping that someone here can help me out.  I have been a member here on BB since Sept 2010 .  All of you, moderators, and members have been here for me many times.  I appreciate all of you and I know how hard it is to support someone when you are feeling so badly yourself. 

    I am tired of being the simpering, whimpering, crybaby thta comes on BB looking for encouragement and reassurance.  It is tiring for all of you, I am sure, to read my sad notes and try to life me uup and keep me going.  THAT IS NOT WHO I AM.  I am a strong 65 year old woman who has dealt with many things in her life and this is the first one I am not able to handle.  I was on Klonoping (.125) for 17 years and now am terribly worried that I will not be successful at this recovery.  I do not want to live the next few years being the kind of person who has been present on this board, seeking comfort and sympathy ad nauseum.  I am very disappointed in myself and this has led me to this point.

    I don't know if this is my rational brain or my benzo brain, but I have a terrible fear and I will not recover in any reasonable length of time.  And so, I am asking you, members and moderators, if you know anyone who is my age, been on benzos as long as I was, and still recovered to have a normal life.  I guess this is what I have been asking all along, every time I posted an SOS or cry for help and reassurance.  I DOUBT that this is possible - to recover from long time benzo use at my age.  Perhaps the mods may know of someone in the past who has succeeded at my age.  I beleive that Beeper is near my age and recovered fairly rapidly after being on a benzo for a long time.  If that is true, then it can be done and I may have a chance at succeeding.  If anyone knows of any others, please let me know.

    I need resources, references, documents to read that would help me to know that this is possible, anything that can put my mind to rest.  I am willing to fight tooth and nail, as I have been doing, IF it is possible.  IF it is not, then I must consider reinstating on a benzo as I need to get my life back.  I don't have time to wait and see IF I recover  So far it has been pure Hell, nothing easy about it.  I know everyone worries about recovering, but everyone is not as old as I am nor were on the drugs for such a long time.  I don't know how either of these things effect recovery. 

      I know that you all feel the same way about wanting your life back, but I just cannot continue on being this type of unconfident, incapable, weak person who is not able to participate in life in almost any fashion.  I no longer want to be a victim, but at this point,, I am not sure I can win this fight.  Klonopin has turned out to be bigger than me and I just don't want to fight it anymore, unless i KNOW I can win.  There's just not enough time for me to stay in this uncertain situation.

    I hope this doesn't get me banned from this forum, (unless I reinstate and then I know I can't be here anymore) but I just need to know if any of you know that this really IS possible to recover at age 65 from 17 years of benzo use.  Thank you all for your past support and for reading once again, another cry for help from me.  All my love and gratitude - Hoping2BFree

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[bf...]

I am new here, but I want you to know that I have read your posts, and they have helped reassure me!  You may feel that you're whining, but to me, you're reaching out for help - and that's what BB is here for.  When you post your symptoms, or how you feel at a certain time period, I compare how I'm feeling, and am reassured that I am not alone.

 

I know you feel terrible, and feel incapable.  I just wanted you to know that you are very capable of helping others here - like your posts have helped me.

 

I hope someone with the ability to help you posts here soon. Try to hang in there ok?

 

Nicole

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Hoping...I too am 65 years old and hope someone can answer this question.  I am struggling also...no windows and my life is just an existence with no pleasure of any kind.  I am more concerned over the stress I am putting on my family as they hate to see me spend my final years in Hell.  I was on a low dose of V for about four years and never even took it every day.  From what I have read on this forum, reinstating does not always work and in fact can make it worse.  There is no good answer for us except to duke it out, I guess.  We had an 'Old Broad and Geezer' thread a few months ago...maybe we should revive it and see how others our age are doing???

 

Hang in there, my friend...

Donna

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Thank you both for your replies - am hoping to get some reassurance once again from others on this site, that this journey is possible for us and that we CAN succeed. 

Love Hoping

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Hi Hoping,

 

I am near your age.  You have not given yourself enough time to heal.  It has only been 8 months since your last dose, right?  That is way too early for some of us to heal.  It has been 33 months since my last dose and I have seen some great improvements.  Please remember that I am one of the unfortunate members to still have symptoms at this stage but I did have Levaquin toxicity which is why I started Xanax so I have a double whammy, so to speak.  I have read many posts about how reinstating made life worse.  I know, for me, that I never once thought about reinstating.  I want my life back and if it means suffering to get there then that is what I will do and have done.  There is still alot of good years ahead of us.  Before my madness with these meds I could outdo my children.  I want to enjoy more good years with my grandchildren, children and husband.  I have researched many sites and it seems we all get to a point where life is decent again.  I WILL succeed and so will you.

 

Love,

 

Patty  xoxo

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Thank you Patty for that reassurance - it just seems I am so needy to hear this over and over and over.  My benzo mind just will not allow me to believe it.....I know you have been suffering a long time, but how is your quality of life now?  Are you still able to enjoy things, go out, eat, sleep, etc.  I saw a post on another forum where a woman wrote and said that she was on benzos and A/Ds for 20 years and is now 3 years free and is looking for ways to kill herself because her quality of life is so poor.  I just don't want that to be me in 3 years......I am having my first grandchild in November and want so badly to be well for that....

    Thank you again patty for responding.

Hoping

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Hi Hoping,

 

My quality of life is much better.  Of the 90+ symptoms I had I am down to about 7 or 8 symptoms that come and go.  Fatigue/weakness, breathing problems and continuous mucus production have been my worst symptoms this past year.  The others are minor.  I had a great 10 day reprieve a few days ago and it was wonderful.  That lady who is 3 years free may see some good improvement over the next year.  I know it seems like a long time but in hindsight this time has gone very fast for me.  On my bad days I just baby myself as there isn't much I can do about the fatigue issues.....at least I am not hurting or anxious 24/7.  I still have morning adrenalin rushes but they are getting much less intense.  Take one day at a time.  Most members heal within the 12 to 18 month mark.

 

Patty  xo

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Hi Hoping2Bfree,

 

I do not believe your age is the factor here at all, it is how long you were on the meds (I was on xanax/valium for 13yrs); the longer on, the longer the healing process. If it has ONLY (lol) been 8 months since your last dose then most likely you just need to give it some more time. Incidentally, I am 8 months out myself; I am having many windows and doing great with the exception of the morning heebie geebies, some occasional lightheadedness, and, when I allow it, occasional nagging negative thoughts. You've come too far to throw in the towel right now.

 

Here is a suggestion (which I found early on and very helpful in my own recovery), when reading about those that have been off the meds for years but seem to be no better, keep in mind that most of them (not all, but most) seem to have some other issues. Because our mind and attitude is the most important part of the recovery process, we MUST guard and protect what we allow ourselves to be influenced by; for me, it was to stop reading about those that seem to be so far out without much progress. Also, don't stay on this site or any other site and become obsessive because you will try to make all of the negative from others your own (it's the nature of the beast).

 

I believe you are going to make it (Psalm 34:4). Blessings!

 

SirWilliam

 

 

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Dear Hoping,

 

I am two months behind you and I feel your pain. Ashton specifically says somewhere in the manual that older people recover just as well as younger folks. She's seen it many times :)

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Hi Hoping,

 

It absolutely is not "who you are". I feel this same way now. I used to be very vibrant, out going and have a zest for life. You and I are off about the same time now as well. It seems for me that the length of the time that I have been suffering this intensity now is wearing on me and making me think that it will never end and that I will not go back to myself, which I have long disconnected with.

 

The good thing is that I too do not believe that your age is a problem here at all. I know people around your age who have recovered fully. There is much to be said about the wisdom and resilience one gains as they age I believe.

 

I believe that this is what someone earlier in this thread was referencing from the Ashton manual:

 

"....while two patients aged 64 achieved a good outcome and one aged 69, rated as excellent, was able to continue a full-time career as a distinguished author....."

 

http://www.benzo.org.uk/ashbzoc.htm

 

I know people who have been on for over 20 years, have had serious psychiatric issues before starting the drug, were of all age groups, who c/ted or had very bad tapers, etc etc.....that FULLY recovered. I talk to several of them on a regular basis and they all say that not only are they fully recovered but that their lives are even better now than they were before. There is one woman who is exactly your age who was on for 15 years, she is now 64. There is another man who is almost 70 and was on for 45 years...both fully recovered. :)

 

It sounds like you are truly a very strong woman and I am sure that this will resurface again more and more as you heal until you are fully back to yourself. I am not there yet either but I pray this for both of us.

 

Sincerely,

 

Candyl

 

 

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Thank you Sir William, Princezz and CandyL so very much for responding.  Your answers helped me alot and thanks for the info from the Ashton Manual - it does give me some hope.  I just get so discouraged trying to get through this and I then throw in the towel, but actually how this all came up, was last night, I woke up with a start and my voice was telling me to get back on the K - I guess it was the Benzo Brain voice - how dare it tell me such a thing....but I was believing it and that is what started up this whole crisis of fear about my age and length of time.

    Thanks so much for writing to me. I will catch up with you all again as soon as I am doing a bit better.

Love Hoping2Bfree

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Hi Hoping,

 

As Patty already assured you, 8 months is still early days in the land of benzo withdrawal and recovery.  I know that is can be disheartening when you see others healing at a faster rate than you - I used to feel that way when I was tapering - but we are all different, and this process is not a one size fits all type of deal.  It may take you longer than others to fully heal and recover, but the good news is that you will heal, despite what the withdrawal and this traumatic ordeal attempts to tell you.  I will be one year benzo free next month and I still have a long way to go when it comes to my G.I issues, so even though my anxiety, sleep issues & depression are all practically gone, I'm still not 100% healed just yet.

 

Hang in there.

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Hi Hoping,

 

I was on benzos for about 24 years and can tell you that healing happens even for us long term buddies. If I compare today from yesterday there isn't much of a difference, but if I compare today from even a few short months ago, there is a big difference. It reminds me of this Chart posted by Amano months ago, take a look at Judging Withdrawal Progress.

I know this takes so painstakingly long, but I had to just learn to accept that this will take time and not to fight it. Sometimes if I fight it I flare up, but even the flare ups are less intense.

 

I've long thought that the older you are, the longer this takes but even that isn't necessarily true either as I've read stories of older people getting over this fairly quickly. 8 months is still early so it could turn for you any time and things could start really noticeably start lifting.

 

Hope you feel better soon

 

Star 

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