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I feel I have no purpose


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I've been struggling to find meaning and purpose in life lately. But I feel like I am lost and cannot find what I want to do with my life anymore. I am not working at the moment but I had started testing the waters and putting out a few resumes out there. Nothing...not one reply.  Then the unexpected happened when I decided to leave Clonazepam behind. Going cold turkey; something seems to have opened up this window that had been closed for a long time. I suddenly had this need to find my way in life again. The shock that c/t put me through...I guess I saw what was missing in my life. Maybe it was the fear of dying? I woke up to see all my past mistakes and boy, it was a rude awakening...especially when the suicidal ideations started right after.

 

Since taking both Paxil and Clonazepam, I found that I lost many of those things I wanted and dreamed of being. At one point I wanted to be an artist or a writer. Though I no longer take Paxil...things got worse with Clonazepam. I thought it was always so strange that this little pill holds so much power. Today I can no longer draw. I was creative in that I could see color in my minds eye. I could picture things so vividly within and now it is just a dark empty void. I was poetic in the way I wrote and today I still struggle...sometimes I just can't find the words.  I stumble a lot. Today there seems to be a thick veil placed over my brain, which seems to have snuffed out all my creativity.

 

I feel like I am an empty slate. So many people tell me I have a choice; that I can reinvent myself. Then why can't I decide on what I want or need to do? Why are the choices I need to make so difficult to come by? Why do I feel so stupid and unable to make up my mind. I feel confused about everything. I try to make sense and I lose sight. This seems so confounding. Is it possible that this pill has eradicated all my desires? My biggest fear is that I will lose everyone I care for as I go down this road of weaning off this poison. The other fear is what awaits on the other side; should I achieve that kind of success...I haven't many of those lately. What if it remains as dark on the other side, as it is on this side? I guess the question is...do any of you feel the same?

 

They say life is a box of chocolate...I guess I managed to pick up the one with the rotten cherry filling and it continues to leave a bitter aftertaste.

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Hi Trav...  Oh I have tears in my eyes after reading your post.  You are a person with alot of worth, though you do not feel it at this time.  Why, its what benzos do to everyone.  I know you are fearful of the otherside when you come off of the benzos, and yes, there are rough times with it, but truly the worse is being on them.  I recently posted in the "success story", try to read what I wrote.  I healed and I am whole and have been for many years to this day.  You will also get to the light at the end of the tunnel and again have your life back.  Your spiritual self is so much stronger then the benzos, it will get you there.  All of your creativity will return, and return with deep depth of joy.  Please... stay the course, accept the struggle of getting off it, going thru the protracted wds you will experience... then on to being healed.  I'll think of you each night before I sleep and upon waking each morning - to send you strong positive thoughts.  Find some piece my bb, stay in touch with all on this site, we will help you walk this plank, through the tunnel and into a new life that you will attain.  Always, Pattylu
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Travuz,

 

I feel like we are in the same boat.  I haven't worked for a couple years since the financial meltdown and spent a lot of my time improving my guitar playing.  Before I started with benzos I was playing every night for an hour and a half and would play at local clubs whenever I felt like it.  Now I get no joy out of playing and I just can't seem to find it anymore.   But...I know that it is still there and now that I have begun my taper I am beginning to look forward to playing again.  I'm not ready now but I know that when I am it will be better than before.  How can it not be for all I have learned during this time.

 

Now is the time to focus on faith.  I am so obsessed with negative thoughts but occasionally some slip in that show brighter days ahead.  Keep it simple for now.  Focus on getting better.  That is the most important job you will ever have.  Remember as so many have said here, this is just temporary.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thanks.

 

Kelly

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Hi Travuz,

 

I am so sorry that you are feeling so hopeless. I must tell you that you write beautifully!! These pills have a way of robbing us of our passion for life and ambition. It is temporary, a set back, in time things become clear again and I believe that we regain our sense of self and move forward in life with a greater appreciation of ourselves and what matters most to us. I know it is scary, I have felt that way, but as time goes by, we do heal. Try to be kind to yourself and be proud that you are off of the pills that ultimately rob us of our true state of mind. As you heal, you will be able to make better decisions with a clear head and I'm sure that all of your creativity will come back. Probably even stronger.

 

 

All my best,

birdie

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Thank you Birdiegirl

 

I hope this is true; that my creativity comes back. I hate that I cannot create anymore. It angers me to no end that I have been stripped of those things that I cherished. My writing though it lacks something...but I thank you for your kind words nonetheless.

 

okokok

 

I continue to follow your progress...with the hope that I can accomplish my taper as quickly as you.  I am sorry to hear though, that you are in the same boat as me. Knowing that you no longer find any joy in your passion to play guitar...it makes my blood boil. The reason being that I was told this pill would aid me and instead it robbed me of 7 years of my life. Paxil made me a monster and Clonazepam has chained me to addiction. I feel like we are all lab rats and some made scientist used us all...with promises to make us whole and instead...damaged us more than our initial illnesses.

 

pattylu

 

You are much to kind. I have read your post and I wish you well and continued health. It is difficult to believe this because I am 48 now and I am afraid that if I cross over to being a fully feeling human being once again...I will not accomplish any of my dreams. I sit to contemplate this madness. I am on medication that thrives on driving me either mad or leave me depressed and useless. It almost seems to have a mind of its own. Reading your story...I am happy for you and your husband. I pray to God each day for strength...but sadly my faith is slowly being tested. I fear I am losing those beliefs in God that I grew up with and cherished. My life has been hell on earth. There are days where I ask...what God would allow the creation of such a horrible venom? Who needs weapons of mass destruction...just dissolve Clonazepam into the enemies water system for a number of months and then take it away...withdrawal will do the rest. The enemy will then be dependant and supplicant.

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Before I made the mistake of telling my doctor that I suffered from "social anxiety" and the long string of psych medications I took that she prescribed to me to try to counteract the effects of the poisons she was already giving me, I was one of the most creative and ambitious people you would ever meet. I've started many businesses, bought and sold a ton of real estate, wrote and directed tv commercials, even traveled the world in pursuit of my dreams, but the SSRI's and more specifically the clonazepam sent me into a downward spiral that began to take all of that away from me within a matter of months.

 

The good news is that although I have endured several years of hell it looks like soon all of that will be behind me. I woke up yesterday feeling good, and by late this afternoon I was finally able to say that I feel almost like my old self. I have gotten more done in the past two days than I have accomplished in the past several months. No joke. It is as if someone came along and decided to turn up the dial on my brain. It's wonderful! I know I am probably in for some more bad days ahead but this is such a huge victory I don't even care. I know I am healing and so will you.

 

Just remember- one of the unfortunate symptoms of benzo WD is the evil benzo brain that doesn't want us to think anything positive and that's what is talking to you right now.

 

It sounds to me like your creative self is itching to get out. I have been feeling the same way.

 

It's a good sign.

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Hi travuz

 

It may make you feel better to know that Stevie Nicks (of Fleetwood Mac) who detoxed from Klonopin stated in one of her interviews that she "lost her creativity" writing songs during this time and her albums decreased in sales. But now she's back and with new songs and an album just released.

 

When she said she lost her creativity, it really stuck with me as I feel I lost mine too. I think it's just another frustrating symptom we have to deal with, but only temporarily.

 

Kelly made a good point about keeping things simple. That's really a good thing to do, right now spoil yourself as much as you can, try not to put undue stress on yourself by worrying. Your creativity will come back, and probably be broader and better than before.  

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Thank you FloridaGuy

 

I can't believe how destructive this pill is and yes, the evil benzo brain is notorious it would seem. Fear seems to reawaken it hunger; making life so much more harder than usual. It thrives on our burdens and pains. I almost believe that is has a life of its own and truly does dictate what we will feel any given hour. When I am most afraid, that is when those thoughts enter my mind. But how does one find strength; when one is facing the unknown.

 

I hope you find your strength and fortitude. Much success. I pray you regain your dreams and most of all peace of mind.

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Thank you star104

 

You are the first one I met on these boards. Your kindness is appreciated and I am thankful to have met you...in this corner of the Net.

 

I read that article. It did not diminish my suffering but I guess I had this feeling of being proven right. I showed it to a friend who at first admonished me for going this route of compounding and then was at least somewhat sympathetic. I became desperate in my search to rid myself of this. I was proven right. I really really hope this is temporary because I have lost my drive and all my passions seem to be slipping away into nothingness.

 

I try to keep things simple but life always seems to slap me in the face. What I would like to do always ends up complicated and more tiring than I want it to be. My home life is not conducive to my healing process. There are always problems to deal with. Simple become labored and then relentless.

 

I wish you well my friend and I will pray that creativity will inspire you to greater heights. God bless.

 

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travuz,

I see a great purpose in you as others have said, you write great and it does not maybe sound much to you but i would read your blogs all day....

You actually are with the way you write put lumps in peoples throats and that is hard to do when writing... I absolutely know where you are coming from as this drug has taken away me looking forward to anything, seriously anything, holidays, restaurants, even Friends that don't understand why i never turn up.

I don't work as i had to resign as i felt like i have never felt before and if is what getting off this drug does then,,, Stevie nicks said benzos were so much harder than what i call the heavy drugs she has done in her life....I hate my little yellow pill that i still have to take to get off them yet they do no good for me anymore...''

 

You have lots of support on here, but doctors have no idea about weening off these pills,,, phycologists tell out minds we are alright, I rang up a line today in Australia called con nextion  it is a benzo line support and for the first time i have spoke to a person that is a councillor and was on benzos for 30 years and very high doses to the point she some how went into a coma,, must of been another complication and they had to ween her off the drug while she was asleep and she said even though she was in a coma and not awake she could hear everything and went through withdrawals while in a coma and felt everything... can you believe that, so when i spoke to her it sounds terrible but she made me feel more relaxed as she could empathise with me what ti am going through and i have only been on this Valium for 8 months at 20 mil lagram and gradually coming off it.  it bloody hurts and as you said no purpose, no self of being,, not living just surviving,,,,It is very hard but i read so many people have got over it and nothing will look back on life...

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I too WAS a writer and once on Lexpro and Valium the entire creative process went down the crapper!  I have a manuscript sitting on my desk that is collecting dust...my publisher gave up on me a long time ago.  I watched an interview by Charles Shultz shortly before he died saying that his life had been filled with depression and anxiety and at one point his family persuaded him to go on an antidepressant.  He could not write his own column for weeks and finally got off the drug.  It is the little anxieties in life that inspire us to begin with, but I did not realize that.  These drugs have robbed me of my livelyhood and the ability to put a creative sentence together.  And spelling, of course.  We are assured it will all come back to us and I have to believe that...you write extremely well and I am sure you are improving with every stroke of the brush....and the words will come back to you.  Sometimes it just seems that we are going backwards.  For me, the words are in my head but I cannot articulate them...it's jibberish.  Hang in there...

 

Donna

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Trav,

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes; I feel I could have written it myself.  I too am struggling to write again and find my long lost creativity.  I am nearing the end of my taper and while I feel some inner spark returning, the w/d is still making it difficult to create anything worthwhile.  Like you said, I feel something's amiss in my brain like I'm thinking through peanut butter.  Just writing this post is taking all I have.  I must believe what others say, that it DOES get better.  Once in a while I can see that light at the end of the tunnel, but right now it's all too fleeting when it appears.

 

Star,

 

I read about Stevie Nicks too.  She refers to her 8 years on Klonopin as the "lost years" and says she wonders what she might have created in that time.  She also said that if she hears of someone taking Klonopin she tells them that you may as well put a gun to your head because benzos will bring your life to an end anyway.  So true.  I wish more people with her celebrity had the guts to come forward as she has.

 

Florida Guy,

 

I hear you regarding the social anxiety.  My psych. did the same thing to me and it was my ruination.  I worked for 34 years before my shrink started in with the drugs with benzos being the final and most insidious straw.  I traveled all over the place, sometimes on my own.  I was a different person.  I haven't done any real work in 7 years and don't go out often without my boyfriend. I also have no idea how I'm going to get back in the workforce in this economy when I finally do feel better.  The whole thing scares me to death.  I fear this doctor has totally wrecked my life and my future.  I'm so scared.

 

Mal

 

 

 

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It is sad to think that there are thousands of people out there right now who are suffering from this that might go to their grave a shell of a person since these drugs take you down into a pit in a way that you don't even realize what is happening. It took me several years to wake up. I'll bet some people NEVER do.

 

Another interesting thing to note is that over the past couple of days I have not only had the motivation to crank out quite a few posts on this message board, but the quality of my writing seems to have improved as well. It is normally a struggle to craft a well thought out reply, but during this window everything is flowing freely. I post on other message boards for work and it has been the same situation there.

 

Today I sat down minutes after getting out of bed and immediately started getting things done. It is now very clear to me that even if (more like when) I regress back into WD that some day in the near future I will be back even better than I was before I entered this pit of hell.

 

 

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Thank you

 

genuinehonest, damaged123, malcontentsia44 and FloridaGuy

 

I wish the "real" world was as kind, in that everyone was as sympathetic, as those who have thus far replied.  I often find myself wandering over to the local book store, to get out and so that I do not feel so trapped. In fact it has become an everyday jaunt just to find answers within those tomes or some hope or a friendly ear to escape the loneliness I feel. I have lost so much because of these poisons that have infused my body. I make it a point to tell everyone that I do have this illness, that I am trying to get off this particular medication just because I got to the point where I could not take the stares. Some of the employees were thoughtful, others made me feel like a pariah. The manager brushed me off completely and when she sees me...she stares as I am a leper and quickly walks away.  

 

It does a heart well to see so much kindness...sad that it only exists in this virtual world. It does make me sad; knowing that the only time people get together...can socialize...show caring for one another is in times of tragedy and pain.  

 

I have read all your words and do agree...sometimes to rid ourselves of this illness...we are neglectful or ignorant of the fact that our "illness" is also our gift.  From it, we get our creativity and our real world view because we see everything for what it truly is. In our suffering, we embrace the real world for what it is, and yet we cannot embrace who we are because of our fears. We may be depressed or going through our hell but I guess we don't see that by medicating...we not only bandage up the illnesses we have...but we also cover up that which makes us unique and truly human. We are truly unique because our pain makes us see what is real and we can express it more vividly than anyone who is whole and untouched.

 

I have often read how many of the brightest most innovative people who are spread throughout time...have had to deal with depression. They survived this brutal illness and created inspiring works that span the sands of time. Lucky for them, that they never had to face the ravages of modern medicine. It would have left us with so very little to look upon or inspire us today.

 

I know that some people need medication and cannot do without it. I guess I just wish the all powerful dollar did not rule what went into our bodies. I wish doctors would stop dispensing these drugs like candy. We have become just as disposable as everything else. Human life holds no value anymore. How sad is it that a piece of paper holds more importance than the suffering a living being. I would love nothing more than to get these people who create this, who stress that it is safe...I would wish that someone dispenses it to their loved ones...so that they can witness the pain they have caused all of us. Then tell me it is safe, when it is their loved one suffering through withdrawal.

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This is an amazing thread and recounts my life since the first benzo to a "T."  I owned my business and had a happy family - after benzos I had to sell the business and my family is now broken.  I am a deeply sensitive and emotional man and these losses were unbearable.  Travuz, I have felt exactly like you - there were many days when I felt I had no future and wanted to quit this world.  But somewhere in the back of my mind clarity told me otherwise.  I now am off K and having periods of clarity when I want to "get back in the saddle."  No one knew that the chocolate we picked would be full of benzos!  Best, Billwill

 

Florida - I knew that your new window was special!

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