The curse…

[[Fa...]]

If I could somehow find enough relief so that even one single symptom would extinguish itself I think I could find the will to leave the house. Regardless of how bad all these things actually feel it’s the mind blowing process of thinking about them in obsessive fashion that has me defeated. Thinking about thinking. And thinking. This is the curse. 

[[Li...]]

I know what you mean. It isn't easy. It seems like these things just pop into our brains and we have to push them out otherwise they'll stay there and we'll be ruminating on them. I'm constantly canceling thoughts putting up stop signs and saying slide out. I no longer need to think about this. Sometimes it works very well and other times not so much. Do you ever get windows? Last night I actually had what I called a porthole not a big window from the fear for a few hours and it was glorious. The last time I got a break was about 12 days ago and it was wonderful then too. Hoping for more of that. Hugs!

 

LiveLife

[[Fa...]]

Ohhhh I can say that all thought I’ve only had windows on as many times as I can count on my hands in two years they instantly within seconds fill me with so much hope that there’s a possibility in this world for me to live free of such torment. I wish it was something I could trigger but they seem to come randomly. They’re hard to think about and remember when I’m feeling completely awful but freeing for the few seconds they may last. That’s all I get.

[[Li...]]

I completely understand how that is. The windows are so beautiful even if they're small. And then if we get too far away from them they're difficult to remember. Have any of your symptoms gone away for good yet?

[[Fa...]]

Yeah. A few have gone away. Constant vomiting. The derealization and depersonalization stuff is gone. There’s probably a few more. I tend to not focus on what’s gotten better and solely look at how bad things feel currently. I’m really bad at the looking at positivity thing. I’m so attracted to negativity and that’s not just since withdrawal. I’ve been that way my entire life.  I really need to fix that somehow.

[[Li...]]

That's great that some of your symptoms have gone so more can disappear. I've also read success stories of people just waking up healed, wouldn't that be wonderful.

 

[[Fa...]]

There’s a part of me that I can’t control or get out. It’s deep down inside that has this awful feeling that all the rules don’t apply to me and I’m never ever going to get better. It makes me feel incredibly isolated and alone. Like I’m the one person on this whole entire site who’s brain doesn’t have the ability to heal. Regardless of the facts or the logic this is what rules me. I try to tell myself otherwise though. That that’s just the anxiety talking.

[[Li...]]

I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately I think that's one of the symptoms of benzo recovery / withdrawal. Thinking you'll never heal or it's going to take you forever to heal. I do believe we all heal from everything I've read and researched. I'm just concerned about how long it's going to take. So I understand your concerns and fears.