Need reassurance, I am lost

[[No...]]

Hello to everybody, so in short in summer of 2016 I got off, CT, from Rivotril and Lamictal at the time, was using also Baclofen in acute withdrawal to help me, then removed it.

Before that CT I used almost everything and I find myself guilty for doing that. After I CT, was in witdrawal for about 20 months or two years, wasnt getting any better, torment all the same.

I got off high doses, 6,8 or 10 of Rivotril and Lamictal maybe 200mg possibly even more.

In 2018, I started using THC oil and smoked it like a weed at the end of cigarette really, stupid I know. Again higher dosages, without too much control. I did that for 20 days maybe, I thought it could help me and to sleep.

After that vanished, I was even worse for a months or so, then develeped strange thinking, DP came back, some kind of psychotic thinking, some coincedences, or very bad DP?

Anyway 2 months after that I started drinking beer, doing that for 5 months. I couldnt handle my very bad situation and thats it, I could function a little bit better, then getting hangover and after I quit, I developed problems with sleeping, very Bad DP, loud thoughts, like voices and ended up in hospital, they what I believe misdiagnosed me with acute psychosis, which I never had before even in wildest thinkings.

I didnt explain situation good, was misundersood and I dont want to rememeber that time so much.

Anyway after 2 and a half years they put me back on Valium, they dismissed I was in any withdrawal, thought I was crazy when talked about it and that sxs are from it.

Valium 5mg, Zyprexa, I was better in terms of sleeping and few more things for few days, I indeed was very dissapointed what happened. I soon quit again CT, both of them, first being AP.

After that I lasted for maybe a half a year, my DP was very bad, everything, went back to some doctor, she said some kind of atypical DP I have. I didnt wanna mention psychosis ever again, was terrified, still I am. I think those were intrusive thoughts but I was in a bad state because of drinking and couldnt explain what was happening to me. Not psychosis. But I have a fear of talking about it. What you guys think?

After being prescribed AD and Valium again I was better again for a few days, just because of my withdrawal really, and because of Apaurin of course.

I thought again weed would help me, smoked reguraly, over time higher dosages. In that period I ended getting attack one night. I wasnt drinking at the time.

Ended up in hospital again, was put on many medications, polydrugged. That lasted for about year. Probably worst period, and which one is not really of everything Ive mentioned?

In January 2021 I used Neuro Recover Emerald formula, and tried to withdraw using that method. It was terrible, I dont wanna remember that time at all, and dont remember it much really, my mind blocked it for good.

Anyway I got off and after terrible period I actually got better and was good pretty good for 4 months maybe. No voices/thoughts, DP, thoughts, loud thoughts, anger, monophobia and what not else really.

I remember I started eating some pizzas, and overall unheatlhy food over time, I was also put on anti/candida diet and drank that for a couple of months. I was eating ice cream, I wasnt cautios and I blame myself because when I see other people how they behave, how selfish they are. I should of know better.

My symptoms started coming back and one time I wanted to help my mother and brother outside and overdo myself terriby, I develepod right away DP, terrible, thoughts, again like can hear these thoughts or voices or which sound like voices.

Eveything came back. I was devastated. It was now year ago. Setback or whatever happened.

I tried again with this Neuro Recover treatment in May, thought it might help, I was very nervous about it caused me a lot of stress for months and when I did it it was absolutely terrible. It didnt help. I even discontiunued cigarettes, was even more nervous because of it. I am just done with all of this and still experiencing no improvement at all, just torment and pain. I hate it, hate all of this.

I wanted to know what you guys think what happened? I just dont have any hope. Im so full of it.