DPDR Description...

[[Bi...]]

I hope they do make a bit of sense, although shows just how confused my head gets. Here are the notes I had written last week as my head was that bit clearer to put how it felt into words and hopefully it will make the feeling easier to sort of understand, with the long term plan to edit the full diary of things like this to something I can share and help the medical world, and our friends and family understand how it feels a bit more. But it is definitely improving slowly so I am healing. And I wanted to see what your opinions were on it?

 

16/06/2022

 

Depersonalisation and derealisation, with the strong second voice in my head and déjà vu – reminds me of all the stronger times before in whatever I’m doing. I get flashbacks and deja vu of the feelings from before, alongside brief new moments, have a headache and high anxiety constantly. Worst in the morning generally, but flashing thoughts and comments through my head about me and my life and how nothing fits, no one wants me. Plus strange singing of it at the back of my head. I don’t belong here – I don’t fit in the job, or with the people I like, or in my body – that’s why it’s sweating more than normal, I don’t belong in it. My throat feels tight too and my eye twitches sometimes. 

 

The number of times I start getting thoughts of how stupid I am, and don’t deserve to talk to people and can’t do anything right. The second voice is a lot more prevalent and in control. But also, feeling more lost and trapped in it at any moments when I am not keeping myself distracted through other people or keeping as busy as possible. It is also remarkable how much slower time goes when in this headspace. It is also quite emotionally triggering after having felt like this for a while, as I have had multiple moments where the thoughts and frustration at it all and how I feel has had me on the verge of tears, but equally I need to take that as a sign my brain is healing, despite how overwhelming it feels in the moment.

 

Although still having flashing moments where the music will trigger emotions and different feelings that make all the dissociation and things increase again and I have to really consciously try to ground myself again.