Jump to content

my heart just broke.


[Pi...]

Recommended Posts

After waiting over a month for an appointment with my psych..

 

Went in with a open heart and mind seeking HELP. left knocked down , lighter wallet , no help.

 

I walked away completely shocked, confused, sad and absolutely bewildered.

 

no longer friendly, compassionate and knowledgeable..

 

Now im a drug addict.

 

Im still reeling in shock.

 

The appointment was cold and vague.

 

Klonopin she kept talking about.

 

"klonopin makes me have weird thoughts and messes with my sex drive"

 

Doesn't care.

 

I came across a support group that recommends slow taper to valium.

 

The true confusion really hit me when I went to the pharmacy to pickup my script of 7 Klonopin.

 

She her self had previously prescribed me .5mg 3 times a day for a month.

 

that didnt work.

 

I told her about my Horrible horrible 10 day cold turkey psychosis experience...

 

What is she telling me?

 

"You are now a liability . I care more about my license than my patient?"

 

My mind is absolutely blown. absolutely mind blown.....

 

Just wow.

 

I left messages on her portal.

 

What do I do when Im disabled again?

 

Im struggling forming words at work..

 

Oh my I can tell im going to end up non functional soon.

 

ZERO RESPONSE.

 

my pharmacist looked bewildered and said I should def get a new doctor..

 

I really thought she would be the one to work with me....

 

like any tips to ask a doctor if they actually care about ur success or...?

 

thanks.

 

oh here is a great little tid bit..

 

aparently I wasnt on 3-4 mg for years....

its not in the system...

 

No one prescribes that much according to her.

 

here was a really awesome line she doped on me.

 

she kept asking why I wanted to be off.

 

to have more energy. I cant wait to get back into working out.

 

"All male substance abusers say they will work out to kick drugs"

um

oh cool thats interesting..

 

sorry Idk if you were listening..

 

What I said is Im excited to have energy back in my life......

 

JUST WOW JUST WOW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were on 1.5mg of klonopin recently and previously 3-4mg for years and she wrote you a "taper" script consisting of 7 - 0.5mg tablets total? Do I understand that correctly?

 

You need to go back to her and ask if she's prepared to assume the medical liability if you happen to have a seizure discontinuing from that high of a dosage that fast.

 

Simultaneously you need to find another doctor that doesn't have shit for brains.

 

What is it with some of these doctors? You tell them you'd like to taper off a drug that is notorious for bad withdrawals and being difficult to quit and now you're the drug addict? So all these years that they were writing you scripts for high doses of benzos you were perfectly fine and not a problem but now that you want to get off the drug, now you're an addict.

 

I suppose they think drug addicts commonly come into their office to discuss tapering off their drug. Happens all the time in their mind I suppose.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pixeldenny,

 

My heart is breaking for you, I'm so sorry this happened, please know we understand your pain and anger. Nathan Arizona summed up my thoughts perfectly, please don't stop advocating for yourself, I know you can find someone who will work with you, please keep trying. 

 

Do you have family support, is there anyone who can help you fight this fight?

 

Pamster

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh man how I sympathize!

Doctors are getting scared because of the bad rap benzos are getting (rightly) but they don’t want help those who are already on them. It seems like they are legally? or at least morally obligated by the “do no harm” oath they take.

 

I tried to get my psychiatrist to switch me over to Valium and took him the Ashton protocol but he wouldn’t look at it. He had me on 4 mg of Klonopin and was only willing to keep prescribing that or stop totally seeing me which meant ending my script.

 

Then I went to a clinic which specialized in giving “drug addicts” what they wanted with the catch that you had to go in every week for your script and pay cash. I don’t remember how much it was but it was a lot.

 

Then I went to a Dr. who agreed to take me off using the Ashton protocol and did a drug test. When I came back positive for Klonopin she refused to see me! Go figure that one out!

 

Finally I found a pnurse Who had a clientele that was always looking for medication and was surprised to find someone who wanted off. I showed him the protocol and he was very interested in using me as a test patient. So that worked out well for me and I was able to cross over using the Ashton method. I had to travel 100 miles to see this pnurse every two weeks because he insisted on seeing me that often. It was actually good to talk about my taper- how it was going (all my symptoms) and to get other drugs like propanolol and trazodone to help with anxiety and sleep.

 

The point is I had to really work to find someone who would help me. That was 9 years ago and with the way things are now with doctors all backed up I don’t know how you were going to find someone in a reasonable amount of time with only seven pills. I honestly don’t know what to say to you except that I understand and I sympathize and I hope for a miracle that you will find someone.

Maybe you could put out an appeal to on the forums for information on doctors in your area that are Benzo wise.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ask a doctor for a small dose of a mood stabilizer like Seroquel or rexulti.  They are not a controlled substance and they are replacing benzos.

 

I wish that were true but I and many other posters on BB have not found that to be the case.

 

The method of action of both these drugs are completely different than a benzodiazipine. They would not prevent a seizure from too abrupt discontinuation. At best they might ease some of the symptoms of withdrawal but will not prevent the physiological issues of abrupt discontinuation. And for many benzo suffers those drugs don't even help much in easing their mental and physical suffering.

 

I'm not saying not to try these drugs, but neither are a replacement for a reasonable, safe, and slow taper plan. And there is nothing reasonable or safe about trying to taper off that sort of benzo usage in 7 days.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP - here's some unsolicited advice.

 

Try to find another doc asap. You don't need to discontinue your usage that rapidly. It's not helpful and it can be unsafe. And given the years I've been around here, I think I see a negative correlation between overly rapid discontinuation and how successful people are in getting free from benzos with as few lingering effects as possible. People forced into a rapid taper just don't seem to do as well, but that's just my anecdotal observation. I'm not a doctor.

 

You need to feel out a new doc to see how open they are to helping you taper in a reasonable fashion. If you don't find someone that is open to it, if it were me I'd just find a doc that would (ideally) just convert you over to an equivalent dose of valium with no discussion of taper or one that would at least simply maintain you at your current dose of klonopin.

 

Once you find someone that will write you a script at your current dose or an equivalent dose of valium, you can then taper of your own accord. As you taper down you'll simply end up with extra medication. That puts you in control of how rapidly you taper instead of your doctor.  Which can be good considering that some docs think you can taper off these drugs in a week or two.

 

That's how I ended up tapering. I mentioned getting off my drug and my doc said "Just stop taking it". I tried that and after not sleeping for about a week I decided to taper on my own schedule. I reverted back to my normal dose and then started cutting tablets. It took me about 9 months. I wish I had converted to valium since I was taking a short acting z-drug, but my doctor wasn't interested in talking about that.

 

In any case, you need to find a solution that doesn't include an immediate 66% dose reduction and total discontinuation in one week, which is my understanding of what your current doctor has written your script for.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pixeldenny,  Just mind boggling!  I'm so sorry.  Since your pharmacist suggested you find a new doc, can you ask him for a recommendation? 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I was just trying to think of something, anything to help. 

 

The doctors have the power and they know it but that’s  another post.  She’s giving him a week (7 days)to find somebody new.

 

Low doses of seroquel would take the edge off and help him sleep.

 

Pickle, I'm not criticizing you and I know you're just trying to help.

 

I'm just emphasizing that the OP's first concern should be finding a way to avoid such a rapid withdrawal which is unhealthy for all sorts of reasons. It's possible that seroquel might take the edge off (also might not - didn't do a thing for me), but it isn't going to do anything to avoid the glutamate storm in the brain that rapidly discontinuing a benzo can cause, and that glutamate storm can cause real lasting issues, even if the seroquel does takes the edge off.

 

There's just nothing to recommend a rapid benzo taper. They can be dangerous and they can cause real damage. We want to avoid that if at all possible.

 

We're all just trying to help each other out and I know you have the best intentions. Maybe seroquel will help the OP, hopefully after he gets another doctor that will support him through a reasonable taper.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The conversation is becoming circular.  Nobody on this forum would argue that he cannot go through a rapid withdrawal, (if that’s what he needs of course). He may not take his dose every day and need a slow taper..  Seroquel did help me and that’s why I suggested it.  Not everyone’s brain is the same.  That’s why ssri’s work for some and not others.

 

I have to put my wings in the air fryer now.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for the replies!

 

A lot to go through here.

 

In the past rapid was no problem …

 

For the record it was Xanax I’ve been on . Not klonipin.

 

She treated me like a totally different person .

 

I was not a patient anymore . I was a liability.

 

And it’s so discouraging. I came here for help . Not to be knocked down.

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m sorry to hear this.  We all fear this as well.  It’s like a game of asking for help but rolling the dice as the rotten docs want you on for life. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with what Nathan said. I can't believe she would Rx you seven benzos and then tell you to take those as needed for a few days and then stop taking anymore. This is really dangerous IMO. She should have her medical license yanked for that alone. You have to start searching for another doctor.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
[4a...]

Pizeldenny,

 

we are not drugaddicts, we have become psychically dependend on a Benzodiazepine. Unfortunately the battle we face coming off them is not the only battle; we have to fight to be recognized that we are victums of prescribed drugs and we have to fight prescribers, doctors and specialists to try to convice them of what has happened to us. The battle can be fruitless and often times we have to accept doctors don't have the answers. I had to learn it the hard way.

 

What helped me is the Ashton Manual and this website. You are not alone. I hope one day you will realize that doctors and specialist are a part of the problem. Educate yourself, take control of your taper and press on.

 

Best of luck,

Naf1983

 

Thanks so much for the replies!

 

A lot to go through here.

 

In the past rapid was no problem …

 

For the record it was Xanax I’ve been on . Not klonipin.

 

She treated me like a totally different person .

 

I was not a patient anymore . I was a liability.

 

And it’s so discouraging. I came here for help . Not to be knocked down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't been on this forum on a consistent basis for a while. I was checking in this week & saw this and wanted to give some input here.

 

Yes, most doctors/PA's/practitioners are like what you unfortunately just went through.

 

Very early on when I had just stopped taking Ativan for a month,  and withdrawal symptoms had started to kick in, I saw a Nurse Practitioner at my PCP's office. She was young, so apparently had a newer education. I honestly did not know when I saw her back then that I was in withdrawal. Nor did  she obviously due to lack of education on it, or whatever. I was seeing her for dizziness & feeling like I was on a boat and intolerance to being in public places - mostly restaurants really back then. I actually was having a difficult time just sitting in the exam room talking to her. I felt unsteady just sitting in the chair. Of course in hind site I know it was due to the beginnings of my CNS being sensitive to everything -the lights,  noise,  etc.

 

Anyway, I was discussing with her that I stopped my Ativan which I only took about 4 or 5 pills a month, unfortunately I had been doing that for 5 years or so. Sometimes more,  sometimes less. She told me without explaination, in a very stern, snooty, uncaring voice, to start taking it again, but this time take it every day. Thank God I did not, and I actually didn't even know that I was in tolerance/ withdrawal until 9 months later when I found this forum and the hundreds of other sources of info out here online about what was actually happening to me.

 

Now, my best friend who also takes a benzo and has on & off since her 20's, now 50, was starting to show signs of tolerance withdrawl. Unlike mine, her prescribing primary care doctor DID educate her on the truth about benzos. She sent her to a psychiatrist to see if she could get off of the benzo. She warned her & made her see a psychiatrist before she would continue to prescribe it for her. Now her doctor will only give her 10 pills for a six month span. Like me, my friend was only taking a few pills a month.  Like one or two a week, BUT for 30 years on & off. Like me, it "caught up with her."

 

Coincidentally, her tolerance/withdrawal situation happened simultaneously with mine. Even though her prescribing physician didn't give her a safe taper schedule (or even close),  at least she gave her full warning. I have no idea exactly what the psychiatrist told her, but I know that they tried to teach her techniques to handle her anxiety without the medication, but of course the anxiety was not her original anxiety that she had going away to college back in her twenties that could have been handled with these techniques. Now the anxiety was way worse and weirder because she was in tolerance withdrawal. We know the story all to well don't we?

 

At least her doctor knew that benzos were horrible & she should try to come off.

 

My friend was going right down the same path I was. Her symptoms were obvious tolerance withdrawal. I gave her the "Cadillac version" of what benzos are really all about and that she should safely come off of them. I spent days sending her many links to this forum & other forums, the Ashton Manuel and videos and blogs. I texted her and talked to her on the phone about this many times. Unfortunately, she did not believe it. Even I "got it" after finding Benzobuddies, which I sent her links to along with highlighted areas explaining what was happening to her, but she did not get it.

 

At least her doctor warned her and tried. I wonder how many years earlier I would have quit benzos if I was warned earlier, or better yet if I would have ever taken them in the first place if this kind of information was presented to me before I ever even put the first pill in my mouth. If I read, what I've read on this forum here, about people even struggling sometimes as early on as a few months, and also how this happens when taken as prescribed, and that it's not about drug addicts or even CRAVING the drug. There are no cravings at all, just a bunch of horrible other symptoms including movement disorders. It can make you want to pace??? I mean, if I would have read this I know for a fact that I would have never took it to begin with.

 

I no longer talk to my best friend. We met when we were 5 years old, so it was like a 45 year friendship. I told her I was ill & healing from all of this and that it was going to take a long time and I was too sick to maintain a friendship.

 

That was sent to her in a text and she never reached out to me again. I don't miss her because it was such a total relief to let go of someone in my life that was causing me so much stress because I was watching her fall apart and get worse from the benzos (and an SSRI where they kept increasing the dose) & ahe would not listen to me.

 

Unfortunately, she was not the only friend I have that I had to gently let go of because of psychotropic drugs. ALL of my friends take this crap. Every single one of them who were close to me. Watching them fall apart with all the tale tell signs was stressful and not conducive to my healing. I warned two more of my friends. Not with the Cadillac version of warnings like I gave my bestie,  but something similar - again it fell on deaf ears. I don't miss these people because they are a mess and they haven't even begun to try to get off of the benzos, nor believe that their weird physical ailments, that are only increasing as the months pass, are from the meds that they take. Because of the stress that keeping a friendship like that entails, I do not miss any of them. It was impossible to even have a phone call without their struggle coming up in some way, their struggle that they refused to see the truth about, and worse yet most of their kids are heading down the same road as well. I have about three or four people who understand and support me in this and that's all I need.

 

Obviously,  I am getting a bit off subject here, but some doctors do know and try to warn. Most don't.

 

Please do not let that get you down though. Know that this is unfortunately common in the medical world right now. I don't believe it will be this way forever. I was mad/heartbroken too by my crappy doctors. It just isn't worth putting any energy into even thinking about it. You need all the energy that you have to put towards your healing. Know that you are not alone in what you went through. We've all been there and had these conversations with practitioners who are uneducated/handle it wrong/don't listen or worse yet, lie. Please please let it go as best you can and put your energy towards healing. As you do this, you will see that it's not worth the stress that it causes.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to psychiatry.

 

Stay away from psychiatry.

 

End of story.

 

I can tell a lot more, nothing going to do that right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That wasn't the most emphatic response from me. Can't edit it anymore.

 

I had a flashback to my own experiences after ready your story.

 

I would advice people to stay the hell from those doctors. They will ruin your life.

 

I hope things get better for you soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't been on this forum on a consistent basis for a while. I was checking in this week & saw this and wanted to give some input here.

 

Yes, most doctors/PA's/practitioners are like what you unfortunately just went through.

 

Very early on when I had just stopped taking Ativan for a month,  and withdrawal symptoms had started to kick in, I saw a Nurse Practitioner at my PCP's office. She was young, so apparently had a newer education. I honestly did not know when I saw her back then that I was in withdrawal. Nor did  she obviously due to lack of education on it, or whatever. I was seeing her for dizziness & feeling like I was on a boat and intolerance to being in public places - mostly restaurants really back then. I actually was having a difficult time just sitting in the exam room talking to her. I felt unsteady just sitting in the chair. Of course in hind site I know it was due to the beginnings of my CNS being sensitive to everything -the lights,  noise,  etc.

 

Anyway, I was discussing with her that I stopped my Ativan which I only took about 4 or 5 pills a month, unfortunately I had been doing that for 5 years or so. Sometimes more,  sometimes less. She told me without explaination, in a very stern, snooty, uncaring voice, to start taking it again, but this time take it every day. Thank God I did not, and I actually didn't even know that I was in tolerance/ withdrawal until 9 months later when I found this forum and the hundreds of other sources of info out here online about what was actually happening to me.

 

Now, my best friend who also takes a benzo and has on & off since her 20's, now 50, was starting to show signs of tolerance withdrawl. Unlike mine, her prescribing primary care doctor DID educate her on the truth about benzos. She sent her to a psychiatrist to see if she could get off of the benzo. She warned her & made her see a psychiatrist before she would continue to prescribe it for her. Now her doctor will only give her 10 pills for a six month span. Like me, my friend was only taking a few pills a month.  Like one or two a week, BUT for 30 years on & off. Like me, it "caught up with her."

 

Coincidentally, her tolerance/withdrawal situation happened simultaneously with mine. Even though her prescribing physician didn't give her a safe taper schedule (or even close),  at least she gave her full warning. I have no idea exactly what the psychiatrist told her, but I know that they tried to teach her techniques to handle her anxiety without the medication, but of course the anxiety was not her original anxiety that she had going away to college back in her twenties that could have been handled with these techniques. Now the anxiety was way worse and weirder because she was in tolerance withdrawal. We know the story all to well don't we?

 

At least her doctor knew that benzos were horrible & she should try to come off.

 

My friend was going right down the same path I was. Her symptoms were obvious tolerance withdrawal. I gave her the "Cadillac version" of what benzos are really all about and that she should safely come off of them. I spent days sending her many links to this forum & other forums, the Ashton Manuel and videos and blogs. I texted her and talked to her on the phone about this many times. Unfortunately, she did not believe it. Even I "got it" after finding Benzobuddies, which I sent her links to along with highlighted areas explaining what was happening to her, but she did not get it.

 

At least her doctor warned her and tried. I wonder how many years earlier I would have quit benzos if I was warned earlier, or better yet if I would have ever taken them in the first place if this kind of information was presented to me before I ever even put the first pill in my mouth. If I read, what I've read on this forum here, about people even struggling sometimes as early on as a few months, and also how this happens when taken as prescribed, and that it's not about drug addicts or even CRAVING the drug. There are no cravings at all, just a bunch of horrible other symptoms including movement disorders. It can make you want to pace??? I mean, if I would have read this I know for a fact that I would have never took it to begin with.

 

I no longer talk to my best friend. We met when we were 5 years old, so it was like a 45 year friendship. I told her I was ill & healing from all of this and that it was going to take a long time and I was too sick to maintain a friendship.

 

That was sent to her in a text and she never reached out to me again. I don't miss her because it was such a total relief to let go of someone in my life that was causing me so much stress because I was watching her fall apart and get worse from the benzos (and an SSRI where they kept increasing the dose) & ahe would not listen to me.

 

Unfortunately, she was not the only friend I have that I had to gently let go of because of psychotropic drugs. ALL of my friends take this crap. Every single one of them who were close to me. Watching them fall apart with all the tale tell signs was stressful and not conducive to my healing. I warned two more of my friends. Not with the Cadillac version of warnings like I gave my bestie,  but something similar - again it fell on deaf ears. I don't miss these people because they are a mess and they haven't even begun to try to get off of the benzos, nor believe that their weird physical ailments, that are only increasing as the months pass, are from the meds that they take. Because of the stress that keeping a friendship like that entails, I do not miss any of them. It was impossible to even have a phone call without their struggle coming up in some way, their struggle that they refused to see the truth about, and worse yet most of their kids are heading down the same road as well. I have about three or four people who understand and support me in this and that's all I need.

 

Obviously,  I am getting a bit off subject here, but some doctors do know and try to warn. Most don't.

 

Please do not let that get you down though. Know that this is unfortunately common in the medical world right now. I don't believe it will be this way forever. I was mad/heartbroken too by my crappy doctors. It just isn't worth putting any energy into even thinking about it. You need all the energy that you have to put towards your healing. Know that you are not alone in what you went through. We've all been there and had these conversations with practitioners who are uneducated/handle it wrong/don't listen or worse yet, lie. Please please let it go as best you can and put your energy towards healing. As you do this, you will see that it's not worth the stress that it causes.

 

Great post, Miss F.  There is a boatload of truth in all you said. I see it all around me too.  People just don't want to think their friend knows more than their doctor.  But YOU know and so do we. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After waiting over a month for an appointment with my psych..

 

Went in with a open heart and mind seeking HELP. left knocked down , lighter wallet , no help.

 

I walked away completely shocked, confused, sad and absolutely bewildered.

 

no longer friendly, compassionate and knowledgeable..

 

Now im a drug addict.

 

Im still reeling in shock.

 

The appointment was cold and vague.

 

Klonopin she kept talking about.

 

"klonopin makes me have weird thoughts and messes with my sex drive"

 

Doesn't care.

 

I came across a support group that recommends slow taper to valium.

 

The true confusion really hit me when I went to the pharmacy to pickup my script of 7 Klonopin.

 

She her self had previously prescribed me .5mg 3 times a day for a month.

 

that didnt work.

 

I told her about my Horrible horrible 10 day cold turkey psychosis experience...

 

What is she telling me?

 

"You are now a liability . I care more about my license than my patient?"

 

My mind is absolutely blown. absolutely mind blown.....

 

Just wow.

 

I left messages on her portal.

 

What do I do when Im disabled again?

 

Im struggling forming words at work..

 

Oh my I can tell im going to end up non functional soon.

 

ZERO RESPONSE.

 

my pharmacist looked bewildered and said I should def get a new doctor..

 

I really thought she would be the one to work with me....

 

like any tips to ask a doctor if they actually care about ur success or...?

 

thanks.

 

oh here is a great little tid bit..

 

aparently I wasnt on 3-4 mg for years....

its not in the system...

 

No one prescribes that much according to her.

 

here was a really awesome line she doped on me.

 

she kept asking why I wanted to be off.

 

to have more energy. I cant wait to get back into working out.

 

"All male substance abusers say they will work out to kick drugs"

um

oh cool thats interesting..

 

sorry Idk if you were listening..

 

What I said is Im excited to have energy back in my life......

 

JUST WOW JUST WOW

 

Does she work in a physicians group? I would call and ask to speak to the director of the group and explain in the most simple terms what happened. That you are on a slow taper and are determined to get off the meds and that the response and behavior of the dr was absolutely unprofessional and irresponsible and you would like this to be addressed by the clinic, hospital or group where she works.

That if she is going to hand out these medicines, she should be fully educated on how to taper off of them.

That you would like to be seen by a better doctor immediatly.

I DID THIS and they actually listened to me, switched my dr to one who is much better, is working the Ashton manual with me.

Remember they want their reputation intact. They know people can post online about them on yelp etc..

I would not be surprised if your dr has had other complaints. Mine was actually let go from the clinic I was at.

It is worth a try, but important to sound calm, intelligent and strong. If you are emotional they write us off as druggies or hysterical etc.

Best of luck to you!!!!

xJenny

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...