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I ruined my life


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I can't stop thinking that I ruined my life. I did this to myself. By taking clonazepam in the first place, of course, but also by getting off clonazepam. I think it was a mistake to get off. It has been almost four months and I am doing worse now than I was two months ago. I have some problems (low estrogen, dry eyes, hair loss) that my doctors tell me are most likely permanent. I can't believe I did this to myself! I was happy and healthy before I got off! I was doing better than I had in years. That was why I decided it was good timing to follow the advice of the psychiatrist and get off. Now I am in agony, I am devastated by what I have lost and how things have changed, I feel like I can't face the rest of my life being like this.

 

The problems I worry about the most:

-Insomnia: I sleep 0 to 2 hours a night. This is way less than I was sleeping even a month ago. I had a few sleepless nights, but never this many in a row. I have had 12 straight nights with almost no sleep. It is torture. Why would I be sleeping less now than I was during acute withdrawal?!

-Restless leg syndrome: Absolute torture. I don't sleep even when my legs aren't bothering me, but when they are it is another form of torture. My doctor thinks I should go on gabapentin or something similar, but I'm scared because I've seen the horror stories people have written about on this website. 

-Low estrogen: Possibly due to hypothalamic amenorrhea. Some of the symptoms are hard to distinguish from benzo withdrawal, but it could be contributing to my hair loss, dry eyes, acne, dry/aged/ugly skin. My doctor told me to try to gain more weight even though I haven't lost any. They have no idea if it can be corrected because according to my doctor my estrogen levels are, "the lowest I've seen." Not encouraging. And there are so many long term complications of both low estrogen and with hormone treatments.

-Dry eyes: I can barely keep my eyes open some days. They feel like sandpaper even with tons of eye drops, warm compresses, a humidifier, etc. And keeping my eyes closed just makes me think more dark thoughts. The eye doctor told me it is because of my age (I am 39, not that old), but why did it happen right at the same time everything else started? I have also been told I will have this problem the rest of my life. Withdrawal had to have triggered this because the timing lines up so exactly with everything else, so it is another permanent problem from getting off benzos.

-Hair loss: I am so, so sad about my hair loss. It is already shockingly thinned all over my head, especially the crown (a huge area is getting more and more patchy, and more and more difficult to cover with my remaining hairs). I was already hating how I looked - possibly due to distorted thoughts, but also because my skin has gotten worse - so the hair loss just adds to the devastation. This is possibly hormone related, but my doctor told me that a lot of people don't get all the hair back.

-Tinnitus: Aggghh.

 

My anxiety and depression seem very much related to the issues listed above.

 

I don't feel like I can bear all of this, especially knowing that I did it to myself. I wish I had any hope of getting better. I had no idea that some of the bento withdrawal-related symptoms could end up being permanent. I know a lot of people on here get better from a lot of things, but it doesn't seem likely for some of my stuff. This is hell.

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Hey there!

I'm so sorry for your suffering :(

I know you probably don't want to hear it....but 4 months off is still actually not that long off. I was WAY worse in month 3 and 4 than I was in month 1 and 2 for sure.

Some of the stuff you mention could be age related and estrogen related, however it's doubtful that it all happened at the same time and at same time as WD

So during mine, I had slightly low estrogen but had ridiculously high testosterone! I did.nt get facial hair or a deep voice or anything like that, but the doc said it was definitely off (it was from WD)

My hair fell out soooo bad! Got so thin, and broke off, and had patches missing, it was dry too.

My eye, omg my eyes!!! They were sooooo freaking dry they hurt to touch or even close. Majority of that is from WD, but also my eyes got sooo dry fron the insomnia actually. Becasue when they dont actually rest and they are open for so many more hours night after night.....well it makes them dry and sore. Mine felt like sandpaper for months. (I was also a hardcore insomnia person , soooo .any zero nights, and then the nights with just an hour or 2)

You will probably notice your eyes will feel better after you start sleeping more. Mine wasn't until after 6 months.

But honestly, none of these things were permanent. For me , the dry eyes, thinking hair, dry skin, hormone imbalance, and the insomnia ALL returned to normal!!!!! So I'm not sure why your doc is telling you it's all permanent? How would they know? WD does some crazy stuff and is brutally hard on your body. But it can all come back!!!!

 

 

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I can't stop thinking that I ruined my life. I did this to myself. By taking clonazepam in the first place, of course, but also by getting off clonazepam. I think it was a mistake to get off. It has been almost four months and I am doing worse now than I was two months ago. I have some problems (low estrogen, dry eyes, hair loss) that my doctors tell me are most likely permanent. I can't believe I did this to myself! I was happy and healthy before I got off! I was doing better than I had in years. That was why I decided it was good timing to follow the advice of the psychiatrist and get off. Now I am in agony, I am devastated by what I have lost and how things have changed, I feel like I can't face the rest of my life being like this.

 

The problems I worry about the most:

-Insomnia: I sleep 0 to 2 hours a night. This is way less than I was sleeping even a month ago. I had a few sleepless nights, but never this many in a row. I have had 12 straight nights with almost no sleep. It is torture. Why would I be sleeping less now than I was during acute withdrawal?!

-Restless leg syndrome: Absolute torture. I don't sleep even when my legs aren't bothering me, but when they are it is another form of torture. My doctor thinks I should go on gabapentin or something similar, but I'm scared because I've seen the horror stories people have written about on this website. 

-Low estrogen: Possibly due to hypothalamic amenorrhea. Some of the symptoms are hard to distinguish from benzo withdrawal, but it could be contributing to my hair loss, dry eyes, acne, dry/aged/ugly skin. My doctor told me to try to gain more weight even though I haven't lost any. They have no idea if it can be corrected because according to my doctor my estrogen levels are, "the lowest I've seen." Not encouraging. And there are so many long term complications of both low estrogen and with hormone treatments.

-Dry eyes: I can barely keep my eyes open some days. They feel like sandpaper even with tons of eye drops, warm compresses, a humidifier, etc. And keeping my eyes closed just makes me think more dark thoughts. The eye doctor told me it is because of my age (I am 39, not that old), but why did it happen right at the same time everything else started? I have also been told I will have this problem the rest of my life. Withdrawal had to have triggered this because the timing lines up so exactly with everything else, so it is another permanent problem from getting off benzos.

-Hair loss: I am so, so sad about my hair loss. It is already shockingly thinned all over my head, especially the crown (a huge area is getting more and more patchy, and more and more difficult to cover with my remaining hairs). I was already hating how I looked - possibly due to distorted thoughts, but also because my skin has gotten worse - so the hair loss just adds to the devastation. This is possibly hormone related, but my doctor told me that a lot of people don't get all the hair back.

-Tinnitus: Aggghh.

 

My anxiety and depression seem very much related to the issues listed above.

 

I don't feel like I can bear all of this, especially knowing that I did it to myself. I wish I had any hope of getting better. I had no idea that some of the bento withdrawal-related symptoms could end up being permanent. I know a lot of people on here get better from a lot of things, but it doesn't seem likely for some of my stuff. This is hell.

Sadly whatever you are going through is perfectly normal for the duration you are off the drug....It will get better with time...Just keep moving....Many of us have felt like that at some point in this crazy journey...

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I’m on gabapentine.  It’s helped me a lot with my mood , burning skin and sleep sometimes. I heard alot of bad things too about this drug but everyone handles things differently. When the time comes to taper  I will definitely taper very slow. Hope you start to feel better soon

Tulip 🌷

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Hey there!

I'm so sorry for your suffering :(

I know you probably don't want to hear it....but 4 months off is still actually not that long off. I was WAY worse in month 3 and 4 than I was in month 1 and 2 for sure.

Some of the stuff you mention could be age related and estrogen related, however it's doubtful that it all happened at the same time and at same time as WD

So during mine, I had slightly low estrogen but had ridiculously high testosterone! I did.nt get facial hair or a deep voice or anything like that, but the doc said it was definitely off (it was from WD)

My hair fell out soooo bad! Got so thin, and broke off, and had patches missing, it was dry too.

My eye, omg my eyes!!! They were sooooo freaking dry they hurt to touch or even close. Majority of that is from WD, but also my eyes got sooo dry fron the insomnia actually. Becasue when they dont actually rest and they are open for so many more hours night after night.....well it makes them dry and sore. Mine felt like sandpaper for months. (I was also a hardcore insomnia person , soooo .any zero nights, and then the nights with just an hour or 2)

You will probably notice your eyes will feel better after you start sleeping more. Mine wasn't until after 6 months.

But honestly, none of these things were permanent. For me , the dry eyes, thinking hair, dry skin, hormone imbalance, and the insomnia ALL returned to normal!!!!! So I'm not sure why your doc is telling you it's all permanent? How would they know? WD does some crazy stuff and is brutally hard on your body. But it can all come back!!!!

 

Your reply gave me back a little bit of hope. Thank you! It is so good to hear that the dry eyes, thinning hair, hormones, insomnia, etc. got better for you. That is amazing. Any chance you remember the timing? I know it is different for everyone, but just curious. It is also good to know that it isn't totally unusual to be worse in at this point than earlier in the process. I had no idea that other people had that experience. How are you doing now?

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How old are you? Quitting def messed with my hair and skin too, it should come back in time

 

I am a 39-year-old female. I realized I didn't say I was female before, but that might have been obvious with the estrogen concerns. How old is too old for hair and skin to recover? I feel like the aging might not be reversible. This has been rough.

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Thank you to Bexlan and others that responded. I am very grateful.

 

Is it really true that most people recover? Are there certain things that are more likely to be permanent? Maybe I don't want to know . . .

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Im in my 40s. Thought the aging and bad skin a bad insomnia eyes would be permanent. It wasn't!!! Took a while for the hair but it's finally getting better. After almost 3 years, haha.

But the other things listed started getting better about 6 months off!

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All these Symptoms you mentioned are Normal for W/D and most of people including myself have them, but every body get them in different way and different power..... You did a good job that W/D from poison because every single time you take it, you could make it worse and worse for W/D. It takes time and rememebre all these are not really you...and will pass, Time is on your side but takes long to get heal....when you pass first couple of months you will start to feel better, BUT there are Waves and Ups and down, it is not a Linear healing....stay strong, You can make it for Sure...Just Time :)
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Im in my 40s. Thought the aging and bad skin a bad insomnia eyes would be permanent. It wasn't!!! Took a while for the hair but it's finally getting better. After almost 3 years, haha.

But the other things listed started getting better about 6 months off!

 

This is so reassuring! Thank you!

 

I finally had a few hours of feeling much better both physically and mentally yesterday afternoon. My previous waves were good relative to intense awfulness, but the wave yesterday afternoon was such an improvement that it made me think I could maybe someday feel normal again. I have to say, when I get a few hours of sleep, it definitely helps me think more positively. Not that I forget any of this stuff, but even a little bit of hope is better than none. 

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Yay! That's good to have felt a tiny bit better. And yes you will have more :)

And don't worry, it is possible to actually look and feel better than before WD! Even though technically you will be older!!!

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