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I'll try to keep this pg.


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I'm not sure what the point is in fighting. I'm not healing. I haven't found anyone with my level of sxs that thealdd. I effed up. Never should have told drs or anyone else my mental sxs of these drugs. I'm locked into hell. Watching my baby boy grow up and I can't even participate amd I can only think of why that i

I loved my son so nuch and the bastards used it against me. It's like I'm not even looking out of my own eyes. I had zero mental issues before other than a little childhood trauma and maybe some excessive daydreaming. How could I be so stupid? They didn't tell me these drugs were dangerous or could make me sick. We let them talk me into a hysterectomy for no reason and now I'm also 70lbs heavier and traumatized. How could thst dr do that to me? I asked 1000times if it was the drugs and they said the hyst would help. I was in and out of psych hospitals and have a record bc 2 maybe 3 times is down as involuntary bc of the sxs I wqw having. Whats the point? Life will never be good again. I wish I had been hit by a truck inn2018. Why didn't God send one to squish me? I'm afraid of my husband no5 bc he is abusive . My son do3wnt look real or feel like mine. Drs told me I havd every mental illness in the book and tortured me alive. I talk to people severe who heal but none of them were like this or had it likenthis. I don't get to wake upnone day and say yay! Back to life! I can't go on scout trips or work or go to school things. If I manage to go I feel everyonenknows I'm mental. And I'm the mom.who went to all those hospitals for xyz reason. I was normalnand so in love with my family. I cant clean house. I csnt work out. I can't have aex. I can't do shit!!!!

My sxs? Ha. I will list the ones I have and have had. Only a handful have gone in the 3yrs since injury hutbitsn4.5yrs since this started.

 

Began with intrusive thoughts ha thought that was hell

Then thr actual hell

BP went nuts

Burning skin

Brain got put in a blender

Exploded brain

Burning in napalm not fire or acid

Akathisia

Hallucinations of horrible things

Looping thoughts

No longer human

Reptile like

Urges

Mental like all Stephen King books at once

Had urges to jump out of the car and a million other things

Memory gone

No love

No connection

No identity

Run in the yard naked

Insomnia

Inner screaming

Tactile hallucinations felt like inwas cutting chicken

Terror

Dp

Dr

Burning skin like I've been flayed

Felt like brain chopped up asking God if he wants me to be a monster (won't say the true word)

No interest in anything I used to do why bother I want to quit

Only spoke 10 words on repeat

Can't look in mirror

Afraid of sex

All manner of intrusive thiughts

No memory

All the Mental illnesses

Fixated on how my vagina must look like now sorry guys

Can't think to cook things

Jealous of all people.

 

Can't look at mothers living life

Can't look at photos like life didn't really happen

Nightmares

Feel myself being pulled by invisible demon hands

Floating

Boaty feeling

Dry eyes

Fatigue

Psychosis extreme

Looping names of evil people in history

Crawling bugs in brain

Pulling in my Brian

Like a wild animal scratching it's way out of my brain

Vibrating brain

Worms in brain

Nothing looks real

Cant remember things I've always known how to do

Nerve pulling in face

Purple Blood/pus sores thst explode all overbody and feel like glass inside

Hatred

Rage

Impatience

Didn't recognize my son for yr and half

Still doesn't look real

Afraid of sweet husband

Feel like child

Agoraphobia

Feeling like everyone can tell I'm mental

Own name sounding like the name of someone else.

Puffy toxic face

Accusatory voice in My head

Mental aka

Robot voice

Blurred vision

Severe head pain

Hypercaussis

No hopes or dreams bc psych record and damage prohibits me from doing them

Sorry to vent. Not sure why I come on here anymore. No one like me healed who will actually talk to me

Probably about 50 to 100 more that come and go

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I just want you to know that I am sorry that you have all of this going on.  It sounds truly awful. 

 

Hopefully there will be a turning point for you soon, and hopefully you can find the right person, or support group to talk to/with that will bring you some comfort that you obviously need.

 

I too had a hysto.  Are you on HRT? If not, have you thought about natural  support?  That may make a big difference, it did for me.  Just a thought.

 

I will say a Prayer for you

 

Marie

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I'm on natural. My brain is destroyed sadly. I just am so tired of fighting a totally lost cause.

 

I’m truly sorry for your pain  :mybuddy:

 

Marie

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I'm so sorry:(

It is not a lost case

You are not a lost cause.

Sounds like you have a son that's worth fighting for.

If he is the only reason you fight then so be it.

Continue to keep choosing each day to keep going.

And continue to keep seeking help and support and eventually you will find it!

Do not give up.

:smitten:

 

Ps, I had many many of the physical symptoms you listed, but not as many of the mental ones during my withdrawal. ( I was also polydrugged)

But I had a previous post partum experience that was FULL of mental symptoms. So I do very much ache for you :(

 

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[43...]
i remember alot of this mainly the first few years. just focus on passing the time as for the most part it wont be this bad further out. once i saw the healing chart that had lines drawn up down and everywhere it made me feel a little better. all of the sudden you can feel bad or healed. never really know. just try and emotionaly dissconnect from all of that the more i did that the less anxiety and stress i started having. if something makes you mad or sad avoid it. intense happiness can trigger a wave also. just remember today youre strong tomorrow you will be stronger. you are a warrior for making through what you have.
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My sweet you'll SURVIVE!

I was the same, exactly the same and my hell started with the most horrible intrusive thoughts on the planet.

But now is a lot better.

It needs time.

I promise you, you'll survive and you'll write in the future how happy you are..

DON'T STOP BELIEVING, PLEASE!

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My dear many of us we have similar symptoms but we are embarrassed or afraid to write for them.

I had the most disgusting and the most bizarre intrusive thoughts that leaded to OCD. Sexual and hurting subjects the most, and actually I never killed even mosquito in my life, I'm very peaceful and stable person.

In the withdrawal I had the feeling that I became a monster!

The thoughts were so real, with feelings, sensations everything!

Because of that the obsessions are so scary.

I had the feeling that my real me is locked somewhere in my brain and that I will never find it again.

My first post that I wrote here was scary and the administration delete it.

Was full of morbid subjects..

Please be patient and try to not believe in these benzo lies that you're different person now and that you'll never come back to yourself.

Isn't true!

You will, just try to say very often this is withdrawal, not the real me and patience again..

Patience, patience, patience..

It needs time but healing happens even now while we speak.

It's not linear and some people doesn't even see it till will become more visible.

Everything will be fine!

You are not the only one who thinks that become a monster.

Many of us we thought the same.

One day you'll make jokes of this period.

I promise you ❤️😘😊

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It's that the first intrusive thoughts were actually brought in my zoloft wd and I couldn't find that info online. Benzo yes but I was too dumb to know they were both capable of it. So I told Dr after Dr and friend and friend now I'm tortured with a destroyed brain and a perm psych record and oh the words of their speculations looping looping looping. Pointless yes
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Benzos were later involved. The poly drugging. My brain isndestry9ednand I don't know myself anymore. The MFers gaslit me into doing a hysterectomy. Let me tell you how that joined the psychosis loop. Friends told me I was possessed etc. Akathisia just burned out shell of nothing man my brain is so damaged. Oh the things I've done.
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Actually I’m similar

Can’t be there as I should for my boy who misses his dad

Groin pain so no sex. 

Tapering baclofen atm is that making me worse ? Who knows but each week the pain gets more raw and real

When does it end ? I may not find out !!! I can’t take much more ! IM DONE a and I feel your pain !!

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I'm so sorry oceandude. It's painful an dgutwrenching this is my fault and I will never forgive myself. Sorry you had groin pain.
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Gardengonewild, of course that you'll forgive your self when you'll feel better and you'll even laugh on this nightmare, believe me.

I was saying the same in the first withdrawal before many years where I was lost for two years completely, but after a few years I forgot on the withdrawal and I forgave on the psychiatrist. This isn't ny first recovery.

I was a kid victim of psychiatrist who prescribed me benzodiazepines in my 16.

It's not good to keep anger in yourself.

Try to be more compassionate with yourself.

Everything is lesson.

After this will know that these drugs are not good and will try to avoid them.

Will be happier and will compense the time that will lost, actually nothing is lost.

Everything happens with a reason.

We must to try to find the best of this hell and in the future we will be teachers and helpers on the people in hell.

Nothing is lost.

Everything will be fine.

You'll come to yourself.

Try to not hate yourself for beginning and hug yourself.

You are human, not a robot.

❤️

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I have 5 hospitalizations full of real torture

3 are 5150 holds bc of my horrific symptoms thst I can't even put into words on this forum

They tool my womb and ovaries I will never laugh at that

They told me I am a shitty mom and never wanted my son while they drugged me and left me for dead in a pu lic park not knowing my own name 2000miles away from my family..they told my family not to believe me and guess what....most don't. They told me I should abandon my family. They called dhs twice. The psychosis was so extreme and the aka so desperate I called pastors bc I thiught Jesus would heal me. They called the police on me. I had nonsense. My brain was exploded in every way. Not just intrusive thoughts.....no that's how it began. I think the "I cant do it anymores" and the groundhog day if it all is gonna stick around for good. I csnt even go to a wedding with my husband ands9n and it's on his 13th bday. I can't go! I csnt do anything. Just seems so pointless. I don't know what's permanent and what isn't but I know inhave permanent fruits of this trauma

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