Do you ever question if the process is worth it

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Hey fellow buddies. Today is a rough day for me. I am 3 months 1 week post jump and for the holiday I "gave in" with eating some sweets and yesterday I got a decaf coffee.

 

Dumb I know. And I believe I am paying for it. I thought that it "might" not hit me. I was wrong. I think my tender CNS just got pounded.

 

Do you every question if the tapering process and recovery period gets you to a better place?

 

I started taking klonopin due to right ear tinnitus (sleep/anxiety) and have spent a year in hell tapering and 3 months after jumping. (still take Remeron for sleep and melatonin)

 

For me I do not think I hit tolerance (was polydrugged with z drugs, tricyclic antidepressants, and a bunch more I did not take) and started tapering a couple of months after I started then went up when I had a acoustic event a couple of months after I started tapering. I had thought I am in my 50's and just will take for the rest of my life. That thought did not last long and then I started tapering again because I did not want to be on the drug.

 

Fast forward a year + 3 months later and I feel much worse than when I started taking the drug. (My whole head now rings, burning, tingling, heart palpitations, shaking, etc.)

 

I keep telling myself it will get better and that it only has been 3 months off versus 17 months on the drug and to be patient and it will get better and it takes time. It is tough right now to have the faith.

 

I guess the way I feel right now is the benzo lying talking to me. Maybe its trying to pull me back. I did not use benzos for several years and only got benefit for such a short time but have learned in that short time benzos can take ahold of you.

 

One of the things that keeps me going is thinking I will wake up the next day and will see improvement. Really want that next day to come.

 

For those of you who have come before me and those of you who are at different stages, do you think getting off the drug has been worth it?

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

Seeking

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For those of you who have come before me and those of you who are at different stages, do you think getting off the drug has been worth it?

 

Absolutely. My w/d was hell on wheels. I wanted to give up every day. But give up and go back to what? Being a lifelong benzo user? Growing more and more tolerant to the drug? Losing my cognitive functions? I was not a happy benzo user.

 

Now, 3 years after my taper, I am a different person. It was definitely worth it. I have written 3 novels and started a publishing company. I am a better, improved me. Better than I was on benzos, and much better than I was on my taper. Tapering and recovery definitely got me to a better place. My feeling better didn't come all at once, though. It took about a year to feel really better.

 

So hang in there. You will feel better . . . and getting off WILL be worth it.

 

Katz

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I was happy on benzos. I could have easily taken them the rest of my life and been fine with it. I went through hell getting off of them as documented in my old posts. At one point my legs forgot how to walk. I went blind at 40 years old. I had a list of symptoms 2 pages long.

 

When I had days like the one your having now I found myself digging through success stories here and I found solace in them. I told myself to be grateful that I have a safe place to detox and take the time to recover, because in the end time is the only thing that will heal us. I told myself all I have to do is survive this and the windows will get longer, the waves will gradually subside, and I'll come out of it a better person.

 

I expected a long gradual recovery, but one day, the 9th of September, it was like a switch. I woke up and could tell something was different. Life felt totally bearable. I was worried it would be fleeting but I prayed I had found a new baseline and each day from there on would be better than the last. Over the next year and a half my symptoms fell away one by one, some noticeably, others I only realized had disappeared when I looked at my notebook and crossed them off. Eventually I felt good enough to start walking, then riding an electric bike. I lost 50 lbs and got my A1C under control, went for cataract surgery and could see clearly again. After that switch flipped in my mind I was able to rebuild myself physically piece by piece. I found work online that I could do from my sick bed (Amazon mechanical turk.) It was less than minimum wage but I was thankful just to be able to contribute. As I got healthier I took on gig work with apps like door dash and walmart spark delivery as they allowed me to choose to work when I felt up to it and to only take on tasks that I was strong enough for. I'm now going for my CDLs because after 2 years essentially bedridden I'm tired of looking at these same 4 walls. I want to see all there is to see of this country and eventually the rest of the world. Life is too short to stay put.

 

It's now 3 years since my jump and I'm a different person, physically strong, mentally bulletproof. One thing about going through this gauntlet is you'll emerge from the other side absolutely fearless. Once you've been to hell and back what is there to fear? Sure I could have kept taking the pills and been happy but I had no idea what I was missing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

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Yes it was worth it for me to get off of them!

*Thermal chaser, your post resonates with me because I also lost my ability to walk during WD. So yeah, after you spend time in hell, and fight your way out, you do become SUCH a stronger person. Like you don't fear anything. It's like your anxiety gets obliterated!

 

And yes, many of us didn't feel like we were better until 12-18 months. But really 2 years I was even better. Took me about 1 /2 years to rehab my body from bedridden. But was totally worth it!! And yes, you want to do EVERYTHING you can possibly do afterwards, because you have a special appreciation for life and you can live in each moment with joyfulness:)

 

I am almost 3 years off and doing fantastic. I am still learning new things, sports, and checking things off my "if I ever walk again" list I had during WD. And working on one now!

 

I was on benzos for 6 months. CT/rapid. I was in hell at 3 months off and no one could tell me it would get better. And I hadn't even reached the end of myself by then either. I did reach it though, and it is something that most of the time only people here on these boards truly know.

But I promise it is truly gorgeous when you are recovered!!

Keep going!

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I was in tolerance hell, did a rapid taper and the first year for sure was torture, with spurts of torture in the second year. but it DEF gets better. You're super early in process so be patient your body is fighting hard to recover.

 

whats your other option? Being a slave to this toxic med which will eventually make your life more hell than you are in now? No my friend - this is the best option - the only option. You got this. 

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I really appreciate all of your great feedback. Your words really help.

 

Thank you.