Been a while - 22 months off

[[ki...]]

Hi yall,

 

Been a while since i posted or commented on anything but just wanted to share some updates. Ill save you the long of how i got here but you can check my signature.

 

So the tinitus has pretty much completely disappeared. Maybe once in a blue moon i get it it but nothing consistent. The earworms completely disappeared a while ago.

 

The crying spells are usually triggered by something. Music, a movie, ect. I never used to be like that but here we are. Also, if i drink, i get extremely sad extremely quickly.

 

My sleep is phenomenal. I get at least 6 or 7 solid uninterrupted hours that i havent gotten since the first few months after first taking benzos years ago

 

I go see an addictionologist (therapist who specializes in addiction) once every two weeks. Though they are not trained specifically in benzos, they are good support and helping me with CBT.

 

Before COVID i was in the gym 4-5 days a week and going out. Due to everything closing down i gained about 30-35lbs. I lost most of it through KETO and going to the gym 5-7 days a week

 

Yes, i use caffeine almost every morning that i actually make it into the gym. I get up at 4:15am to go so while i know everyone has advised not to use it, i am unable to fully wake myself up and get the engine running without it for a workout. Non workout days there is no caffeine consumption

 

Other activities include fishing, crabbing, soccer (when im not injured) and soon to be mountain biking.

 

My supplement regimen is not influenced much by benzo recovery. i take vitamin d, niacin, magnesium, and just added NAC. I was taking Gluthathione for a bit but that stuff is too pricey.

 

Alcohol, well i have a weak spot for this as i was a drinker before the benzos. Its my vice. Not women, or gambling, or street drugs, or anything else you can think of, but i miss being able to have a drink here and there. I wouldnt say i was an alcoholic (at first) and was more a "weekend warrior." However, being on benzos caused me major depression and removed the system in my brain that said "ok we have had enough. no more for tonight." This means eventually the drinking got a little hard to control (when i drank). As mentioned, i went from a happy smiling drunk to a depressed crybaby drunk.  I know some of you can relate because you have messaged me about it and some of you had the same issue during and after taking benzos. so now i limit myself to a couple drinks every 2 months. Sometimes it has gone smooth and other times it gets ahead of me in the form of a 2 or 3 day bender. Either way, i dont give myself permission for a drink before my 2 months are up.

 

Yes, i am well aware the advice is not to drink any alcohol but i am human. I already live a hermit lifestyle due to agoraphobia and wanting to avoid social situations where i will be tempted to drink, so i allow myself some grace via a few drinks every two months.

 

speaking of agoraphobia, its pretty tough right now. im scared of my own shadow, incredibly jumpy, i panic during civil confrontation or when i am being asked questions. Its brutal. I was fishing and someone near me darted for their pole which was right next to me and i lunged at them out of instinct. I can go to the store and the gym but i always feel incredibly insecure because of the anhedonia and lack of confidence. i try to attend more of my partner's family events so i can socialize and try and become more comfortable, but i avoid a lot of those because they like to party and drink heavily. For a person like myself who loves to party, gets FOMO, but needs to stay dry so he can heal, its not always the best choice for me to go. I am terrified of the dark. We went camping and my fear and imagination ran wild. it was truly awful and so hard to stand there and try to tell myself "its not real. youre safe. your imagination is getting the best of you"

 

I just got back from Maui and i had a massive panic attack when i got in the water. This is the 2nd time it has happened with the first time being in Florida. I love the ocean and never had an issue getting in the water UNTIL i quit benzos. Now, it feels like there is too much stimuli and that i am being attacked from all angles. While the panic attack was happening i kept trying to force myself under water for a few seconds to try and face the fear and i just couldnt do it and ended up needed a drink. There was a feeling of impending doom like something was going to attack me. I think what happened is previously, i always had the benzos to take that edge off. Now that i dont, its sensory overload. It sucks. I already have a hard time shaking my Anhedonia and enjoying things. I was looking forward to the water but when i got there i panicked. it worries me. i wonder if ill be like this forever or if i will always need at least a drink to help me out.

 

When i kicked the benzos my psychiatrist said it would take about 2 years to fully clear my system but Im not tracking to 2 years. I told my partner i am tracking to 5, that i may be boring for a while, and even after 5 i may still be boring should these lifestyle changes take hold. I cant shake the anhedonia so its hard to go out and do stuff. I told her if she wasnt happy that i fully support her moving on because recovery is a moving target that i only have so much control over and that i have to take care of myself. (we are still together as of this post)

 

Academically, i finished a technology certificate and have plans to add more only to occupy my time and build confidence (i already have a bachelors). I also use a spanish app for at least 20 minutes every day.

 

Brain MRI, Lung exams, heart exam, lyme disease, STD exams, and all bloodwork came back clear, but i am still struggling with major memory, focus, and emotional issues. The brain fog has lifted only a little bit. I am still in lala land 99% of the time.

 

So to sum this all up, im human and i am trying my best. I hope all of you are continuing to fight the good fight and not giving up. i keep all of you in my prayers.

[[Ze...]]

Did you tell your addiction specialist about your drinking. I had two beers last week. It sent me into a bad wave. I know I should not drink because I’m an alcoholic. Sounds like you also meet the criteria. You should try A.A. A lot of good people there. Remember you don’t have to drink and it doesn’t have to be your vice. Also just because alcohol is sold in a store it doesn’t make it safe. If they could sell benzodiazepines in a bottle and sell it at gas stations they would.

[[ki...]]

yes i did. i am 100% honest and open with them

 

funny enough i went to AA when i wasnt drinking in order to prevent drinking. It was after a breakup and before i could pick up the bottle i just went to an AA because if i didnt have any support i would self medicate in the worst way. it was an all mens group and i actually liked it there. i got no issues going back. I dont like the steps though. most of the content those discuss i address in therapy and im more comfortable discussing those in their office

 

I never had a bender before the pills. ever. i may have had a long night here and there but never a bender until about the last 2 years on benzos. 

[[Li...]]

Hi. Thanks for the update. I'm 22 months out myself and struggling quite a bit still. Don't get too many windows. Sure would like to get some. Had one on Sunday which was amazing. It's good to see how someone else is doing that's at the same place I am. I had my last dose of Xanax on May 25th 2020. I went cold turkey. That was interesting to hear what your psychiatrist said about taking two years to get it out of your system. I know many people say that two years can be a pivotal healing point, sure hope so cuz we're getting close. Good healing to you!

 

LiveLife

[[ki...]]

good healing to you as well.

 

congrats on your 2 years! im happy my post can help in some capacity.