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Can't take it anymore...want to die


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I am in my 2nd month of my Klonopin taper and I feel like I am dying inside. My husband is at his end, I am too. He is taking care of me.

 

I cannot go out anymore, I have been afflicted with agoraphobia. I cannot read a book, watch TV, or work on any of my projects. I sit on the couch, or lie in bed. I have  not been able to work for over 10 years now since I was dosed on KP. I feel hopeless. I have been hospitalized, put on more drugs that don't work, and have been told by the medical community that I am a hopeless case and to stay on my medication. I was first put on Ativan and Xanax due to a panic attack I had over 12 years ago and never realized that each time the drug wore off I would go psychotic. They then put in in the hospital and doped me up on ever anti-depressant under the sun, including KP which only made things worse.

 

I cannot work, I have to be taken care of. I have extreme anxiety and panic attacks, crying jags, self-harm, and other issues. I don't know how to get through this. I want off the drug so badly and feel so lost! I HATE KLONOPIN! I HATE KNOLOPIN! I HATE KLONOPIN! YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND TAKEN IT AWAY FROM ME!

 

I don't know how much longer I can take these horrible withdrawal symptoms. I just want to rest and be free of it all. I want to have a life again.

 

I am titrating and my husband is doing it for me, the math since I cannot think anymore or plan anything out. I think that I am now at .675. We started from 1mg. I cannot do this for a year, I just can't!!! We are trying to get me back down to .5, and it hurts!!! The depression and anxiety. I have never felt this bad in my entire life where I just want it to end. Every day is now a nightmare of pain and agony. I also dont want these symptoms to last for years. My husband and I don't know what to do.

 

I have thought about hiring a home help aid to help me just get though the day (going out, cleaning house, taking care of bills and things). I am so disabled. I used to be an author and artist and I used to work and do a really good job too. Now I have not held a job for over 11 years now. My last job was at Disneyland, and I was a Cast Member there and I loved it but lost it due to KP withdrawals ie, Tolerance Withdrawals. I have not felt "normal" since.

 

I am supposed to be off the KP by this Oct. We just don't know if I should hurry it up or what. I feel so awful, no one can understand my pain and my family won't help us. I am on .675 Kp, 300 Welbrutrin, 25 Serequel (for anxiety from the withdrawal), 1mg Risperdal.

 

Just wanted some support to help me not die.

 

Christine

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Hi Christine...I am so sorry you are suffering.  You are not alone...not that that is any comfort.  I too am tapering and have been since late last summer...I am about to jump off soon and cannot fathom enduring anymore of this torture as I was in tolerance w/d before I even started to wean.  I have NO windows...ever.  I do not know what it feels like to be normal...not even for a moment.  I am also a writer and my last manuscript is sitting on my desk, half finished, with an inch of dust on it...the publisher gave up on me long ago.  I broke down and hired a cleaning lady and if that helps you, I think it is something to consider.  There is nothing like spending most of your life in one room and watching it cave in around you with clutter and other things you just cannot do right now.  I am an old broad...LOL...and the thought of spending what few years I might have left like this is beyond disheartening.  The only hope I have is that the people who have stepped out of this Hell assure us it will get better.  It is all I have to cling to.  My friends have disappeared and although my kids say they understand...not really.  They think distraction is the answer, not understanding no amount of distraction helps and if anything the stimulation makes it worse.  We have taken a long, long ride on the wrong train.  I wish I could comfort you in some small way but hopefully others who have recoverd can comfort us both.

 

Donna

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Hello Christine,

 

It is painful to read posts about how much people have lost to these drugs.  They can take away our ability to work, personality, livelihood, and much much more.  I guarantee you though... almost all that you have lost you CAN get back again.  Everything klonopin has taken from you.. you can take right back.  It will most likely be one of the most challenging endeavors you have ever faced.  Benzos will kick, scream, scratch, and claw if you try to get your life back from them.

 

Your journey is not without positives.  You have made it well below 1 mg and you have a supportive husband who is willing to help you, math and all, with your titration.  I am not a doctor, but it seems a lot of the other medications you were put on were for tolerance withdrawal anxiety and depression... so it is quite possible that you can start safely tapering them too once you have been off klonopin for awhile.  

 

Once you are off it will not take years for you to heal.  It may take awhile to completely heal, but you should experience comforting progress along the way.  I know that the thoughts of making it through the taper and post-taper withdrawals seems daunting, especially when minutes feel like hours, but I promise you that better days do lie ahead.  If you weren't like this before the klonopin, you won't be like it after.

 

The world can seem so dark and scary... the pain can be so unbearable at times.. both physically and emotionally, but I implore you to hang in there.  This will one day become a bad memory... you can sweep your benzo experience into the dustbin of history and have a new found appreciation for life.  It can feel very lonely, but this fight you are in is also being fought by several other brave souls trying to reclaim their lives back. Your anxiety, depression, pain, and disturbing symptoms will wax and wane with time... but eventually when you are benzo-free they will keep getting weaker as time goes by.. and you will start getting stronger again.

 

In the meantime, do what you have to do to keep yourself going. If you need to hire a home help aid, do it.  Don't hold any guilty for anything you have to do.  It is a positive sign that you considering these options because it shows that you haven't given up and still have that spark in you.  You may feel guilty in the future when you have to fire the home help aid do to him/her no longer being needed... but you can worry about that when the time comes  ;)

 

I hope that you understand a few key points...

 

- You are not alone in this fight

- You CAN get better again if you continue tapering off

- You have people here who understand exactly what you are going through

 

Christine, please find it in yourself to continue moving forward.  Try not to look back and accept the symptoms for what they are... symptoms.  There are many great coping skills for anxiety, depression, insomnia etc. on this board and on the net.  Do all that you need to keep yourself going.  Your husband is a great guy, I am sure he is doing what he is because he loves you and wants his wonderful wife to be happy again.

 

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Your story has many parallels to mine.  That's exactly what benzos do - destroy lives!  I had to stop working, rely on others to take care of me, I could go on and on we have such similar histories.  I felt the way you do mentally early on.  But keep hope, at 4 months out my mental state has drastically improved and I am starting to slowly take back the responsibilities and tasks I had to surrender to others.  I still get help with cooking food, shopping, and cleaning - but now I am slowly being able to get out of the house and visit family members and do some of the cooking and cleaning.

 

I went from complete and total helplessness just 4 months ago to being able to take care of a small thing here and there myself again, and it gets better as time continues on.

 

I know it is hard (to say the least!) to be patient.  But it will happen.  I sincerely hope this gives you a new outlook.  Be sure to pass this info on to your husband to give him hope too!  There is an end to this dependency, we just have to ride it out.

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I cannot go out anymore, I have been afflicted with agoraphobia. I cannot read a book, watch TV, or work on any of my projects. I sit on the couch, or lie in bed. I have  not been able to work for over 10 years now since I was dosed on KP. I feel hopeless. I have been hospitalized, put on more drugs that don't work, and have been told by the medical community that I am a hopeless case and to stay on my medication. 

 

I have thought about hiring a home help aid to help me just get though the day (going out, cleaning house, taking care of bills and things). I am so disabled. 

 

This was me at the worst of my withdrawal.  I lost all interest in life and just laid on the couch and stared out the window.  It lasted about 6 long agonizing months, but it did eventually go away.  I know how discouraging and frustrating it is to feel like you'll never enjoy life again and for doctors to treat you as a hopeless case.

 

But I am hear to tell you that it will not last.  It's harder than heck when we're in the thick of it and sometimes no amount of support and encouraging words can ease the suffering, but please believe me when I say that these dark days won't last.

 

I think hiring someone to at least clean would be beneficial.  We did, and in fact she still comes on alternating weeks to clean.  It was one of the best benzo brained decisions we made.

 

Please hang in there, hon.  we're here for you. :therethere:

 

http://i1132.photobucket.com/albums/m575/maxmoo/Funny%20Pics/Decor%20Smileys/thhanginthere.gif

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Hi Christine,

 

We have to do one thing and one thing only - get thru today.  That is the only requirement here.  If you are in a position to do so, absolutely hire help.  I certainly had to get people to take care of my yard work and babysit the dog when I had to leave my home to stay with someone safe.  It is hard to ask for help for some of us that are so used to being independent but it must be done.

 

It also seems that we have to let go of our wants and just take care of today's needs.  You don't want to go thru a year or more of this and you want your life back.  I understand that totally.  I want, I want, I want.  Me too.  Can you get thru this one day and let the tomorrow's take care of themselves?  It is the only way I have survived this ordeal.  The strength is there to endure this but only for this one day.  It is of key importance to not project into the future.  I know you can do this Christine because I did and yes, I wanted to die everyday but I am still here and two years completely drug-free after 20 years.  It is the hardest thing that we will ever have to do.  Please have faith in yourself that you can bear this suffering.  You must be very strong to be called upon to do this thing.  We are hero's here - everyone of us.

 

:smitten:  Whoopsie

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[2c...]

Christine,

 

You are not going to die. Please hang in there.

We're all here for you!

 

The world can seem so dark and scary... the pain can be so unbearable at times.. both physically and emotionally, but I implore you to hang in there.  This will one day become a bad memory... you can sweep your benzo experience into the dustbin of history and have a new found appreciation for life.  It can feel very lonely, but this fight you are in is also being fought by several other brave souls trying to reclaim their lives back. Your anxiety, depression, pain, and disturbing symptoms will wax and wane with time... but eventually when you are benzo-free they will keep getting weaker as time goes by.. and you will start getting stronger again.

 

I agree with Crono. You will get stronger.

 

You have been given some good info. here. Please read it.

 

Also read some success stories. That's what I do. They help a lot.

 

You will get through this. Please believe that!

 

If I can do this, anyone can. :):mybuddy:

 

Sigma.

 

 

 

 

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Christine,

I came back into this post to go into more detail regarding the parallels between us.

 

He is taking care of me.

 

My husband was taking care of all the shopping and a lot of stuff around the house before I even started working at getting off Benzos.

 

I cannot go out anymore, I have been afflicted with agoraphobia.

 

I became home bound well before I stopped benzos.

 

I cannot read a book, watch TV, or work on any of my projects. I sit on the couch, or lie in bed. I have not been able to work for over 10 years now since I was dosed on KP.

 

I had my own business and was into crafts, painting and gardening.  For the last 3 years while on benzos I literally could do none of this.

 

I feel hopeless. I have been hospitalized, put on more drugs that don't work, and have been told by the medical community that I am a hopeless case and to stay on my medication.I was first put on Ativan and Xanax due to a panic attack I had over 12 years ago and never realized that each time the drug wore off I would go psychotic. They then put in in the hospital and doped me up on ever antidepressant under the sun, including KP which only made things worse.

 

All of the Psychiatrists I saw told me I had PTSD, that it was incurable, and that I would need to take psychotropic meds for the rest of my life.  I now know that I never had a mental illness.  The only mental anything I really had was the deranged mental effects from the benzos and antidepressants.  I also experienced severe psychosis while in w/d coming off Ativan.

 

 

I don't know how much longer I can take these horrible withdrawal symptoms. I just want to rest and be free of it all. I want to have a life again.

 

I am titrating and my husband is doing it for me, the math since I cannot think anymore or plan anything out. I think that I am now at .675. We started from 1mg. I cannot do this for a year, I just can't!!! We are trying to get me back down to .5, and it hurts!!! The depression and anxiety. I have never felt this bad in my entire life where I just want it to end. Every day is now a nightmare of pain and agony. I also don't want these symptoms to last for years. My husband and I don't know what to do.

 

You are doing exactly what needs to be done to be free, to end your agony, and to have a life again.  I think we are all in total shock when we begin to feel the severe symptoms of benzo w/d.  The symptoms are too severe to even put into words.  It effects each and every part of your body, your senses, your mental processing.  I had to make my own schedules as my doctor was willing to help me but didn't know how to do the schedules.  I struggled beyond belief doing the simple math required.  I had trouble filling my own pill packs trying to make sure I put the right amounts and types of meds in them.  My husband had to help me.  Today, simple math is no longer a struggle and I have no trouble filling my pill packs, WITH VITAMINS!  Before you actually get to the point where you are no longer taking the benzo the thought of a year to go can seem overwhelming.  But take it from me, cold turkey spells disaster, and staying status quo means you will never regain your life.  You will definitely learn the virtue of patience on the road out of this mess.  But the road leads to everything you want  - an end to the physical, mental, and emotional suffering plus getting your interests, hobbies, abilities, your Independence, your job, your life back.

 

I have thought about hiring a home help aid to help me just get though the day (going out, cleaning house, taking care of bills and things).

 

Excellent idea!  My Sister-in-law had lost her job and I needed help.  So my husband and I pay her to shop, clean, and cook.  It was mutually beneficial.  She understands that it is important for me to take back each responsibility  little by little as I my abilities slowly come back.  It has been a God send.

 

Please don't let benzos win.  You can win instead.  Yes the road is a long and hard one.  But you are litterally in the fight of your life.  I have made huge strides and my life IS coming back.  I was on benzos and antidepressants for 20 years.  I weaned off the antidepressants a year before the benzos.  The benzos mess with your mind and try to fool you into thinking you can't make it.  I am living proof to show you you can!

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Yes, Yes, Yes to so much of what you've said

 

-haven't been able to work--I am a freelance writer and can't think straight

-my daughter who is my treasure, has had to live with her dad since November 2009 because I can't drive her to her private school.  I see her for a little bit of time on the weekend.  She is my entire life and now I spend much time alone and feeling hopeless.

-my husband has had to run all errands for over a year because I can't even ride in a car without feeling like my brain is dying--forget about the social life we used to have or even thinking about going on a vacation anytime soon

-I spend a lot of time just staring off into space, totally overcome by the feeling of being lobotomized and major DP/DR

-paralyzing fearful thoughts of incredible despair and hopelessness

-I don't even know who I am anymore

 

That being said, it's true that all you need to do is get through the next hour, the next day.  I no longer feel guilty that I have a temporary brain injury that means I need a great deal of help.  It has taken my husband a year and a half to understand IT'S NOT ME.  You are blessed to have someone to help you!  I have learned to thank him many times a day instead of telling him what a loser I am because I can do nothing (which I used to do often).  I have learned that even tiny things are helping my brain to recover--making myself a sandwich or putting in a load of laundry.  I have learned that what I tell myself over and over in my head determines often how I can cope in the next few minutes. 

 

I wouldn't suggest hurrying things up because it won't necessarily help your brain to adjust to the change.  That's my two cents.  PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!  MANY HAVE GONE BEFORE US AND HAVE RECLAIMED THEIR LIVES AND HAVE HOPE TO SHARE WITH US. 

 

Love, Mary

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I no longer feel guilty that I have a temporary brain injury that means I need a great deal of help.

 

Well said Maranatha!

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It is great that you have an understanding partner and he is helping  ..I think partners while people are going through the horrible benzos don't get enough credit,,, it will show a bond that once you are over this horrible trip you are having will even bring you closer, if that already not the case.... I am hearing all your symptoms you are having and also feeling them, i don't have a partner and i tell you when you are alone and staring at the window waiting for night.. I actually looking forward to it getting dark as another has gone past...

I am weening slowly and the rotten thing is i have to take a pill now that i hate with a passion, and to make it worse i am tolerant to them so it does nothing for me except rotten withdrawals, mind playing tricks on me....I wish i could go into a special place where i could be looked after 24 hours a day and be for as long as it takes but that is for the rich and famous....

I wish you all the best  and as i am writing this  the screen is blurry, i feel depressed, anxiety like nothing i have experienced...I could quite easily pick up the phone and call an ambulance as i have done before to be taken to hospital to be made feel like i am a hyprocondriac or some drug addict....

 

i am with you

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I am in my 2nd month of my Klonopin taper and I feel like I am dying inside. My husband is at his end, I am too. He is taking care of me.

 

I cannot go out anymore, I have been afflicted with agoraphobia. I cannot read a book, watch TV, or work on any of my projects. I sit on the couch, or lie in bed. I have  not been able to work for over 10 years now since I was dosed on KP. I feel hopeless. I have been hospitalized, put on more drugs that don't work, and have been told by the medical community that I am a hopeless case and to stay on my medication. I was first put on Ativan and Xanax due to a panic attack I had over 12 years ago and never realized that each time the drug wore off I would go psychotic. They then put in in the hospital and doped me up on ever anti-depressant under the sun, including KP which only made things worse.

 

I cannot work, I have to be taken care of. I have extreme anxiety and panic attacks, crying jags, self-harm, and other issues. I don't know how to get through this. I want off the drug so badly and feel so lost! I HATE KLONOPIN! I HATE KNOLOPIN! I HATE KLONOPIN! YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND TAKEN IT AWAY FROM ME!

 

I don't know how much longer I can take these horrible withdrawal symptoms. I just want to rest and be free of it all. I want to have a life again.

 

I am titrating and my husband is doing it for me, the math since I cannot think anymore or plan anything out. I think that I am now at .675. We started from 1mg. I cannot do this for a year, I just can't!!! We are trying to get me back down to .5, and it hurts!!! The depression and anxiety. I have never felt this bad in my entire life where I just want it to end. Every day is now a nightmare of pain and agony. I also dont want these symptoms to last for years. My husband and I don't know what to do.

 

I have thought about hiring a home help aid to help me just get though the day (going out, cleaning house, taking care of bills and things). I am so disabled. I used to be an author and artist and I used to work and do a really good job too. Now I have not held a job for over 11 years now. My last job was at Disneyland, and I was a Cast Member there and I loved it but lost it due to KP withdrawals ie, Tolerance Withdrawals. I have not felt "normal" since.

 

I am supposed to be off the KP by this Oct. We just don't know if I should hurry it up or what. I feel so awful, no one can understand my pain and my family won't help us. I am on .675 Kp, 300 Welbrutrin, 25 Serequel (for anxiety from the withdrawal), 1mg Risperdal.

 

Just wanted some support to help me not die.

 

Christine

 

I know how you feel... I feel the same way I was on serequel for 2 years then stopped... Also on K on and off for 6 years.... Now I am weaning off K myself The thoughts are crazy and insane... I just posted something on the forum myself... Ifeel your sufffering... and feel bad.. I wish yu well... I  wish i could make you feel better... I wanted to go to hospital myself when I realized it was withdrawal... I still doubt myself... I feel for you. Mishi

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Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. It's been touch and go these past few days. It really helps to know that others have done this and survived too. It warms my heart. I am just going to go as slow as I can and get help with the other things.

 

Going out now is really hard. Just getting in the car to go shopping down the street is difficult. I did get some work done on my project this week, I had to force myself to get started but I worked for about 25 minutes which is amazing for me. I think the support I am getting here on these forums is working.  I read everyone's posts and started crying. I am so emotional about anything these days. W/D is hell!

 

I wanted to start up a blog about my progress but just being on the computer is anxiety inducing. I have to limit my time and most often, my thoughts won't come our right. At least I have a spell checker on the computer otherwise no one could read what I've written! :-)

 

I am going to get the lost years back! I cannot wait until I jump off and never have to take this little yellow pill again!

 

Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful support. It's nice to know that I truly am not alone along this journey of life.

 

Christine

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Hi Upanover,

I am so sorry of your suffering. I and other's no exactly how you feel.

You are so fortunate as your husband is looking after you.

I know your hurting but you seem to be able to function a little bit.

Tthats really good and positive.

It all looks promising to me but probably not to you at the moment but we all have to be patient and wait until that majical day comes and recovery has occurred.

Myself I am Not doing that well but do not want to discourage you. I know what its like to not be able to watch T.V or read a book. I was an avid reader read Newsapaper's from front to back. But now cannot rest and read to much pain inside of me.....

Is it right that you were some kind of artist my brother is an artist to his website I could give to you if you like he lives in Australia and does airbrushing and tutors people to do this....

I do not have nobody to care for me except my husband on odd days. But although I am bedridden I try to do evreything myself,a;though its getting harder but I do not to want to worry him.....Sound like I am being amartyr does'nt it :angel:. Not really my husband I worry about as he has to work for us to survive he is 59 so not as young for me to get over this...but I want him to be around if and when I do get better.

I am on my own during the day have only elderly Parents over 80 to help me. Which they cannot do really as obviously have elderly complaints....Sometimes well nearly every day I just want to die just like you the thought of years and years is just to much to bear.....I have son and daughter but do not see them as they can't stand to see me shake or be in pain.

But enough about me if YOU can do this which you will,nobody really wants to die its just a cry for Help. I did this I just wanted to sleep and sleep but it did not work out like that instead I got really ill made everything much worse for me. I will keep looking to see how you are doing. You'll gain some strength from somewhere like we all do....

Bye for Now Take Care,

Tess

Tess

soon.....

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Christine, I am very happy to see that were able to accomplish certain activities.  Although we don't feel normal, sometimes it makes us feel better when we manage to do things we used to do when we felt normal.  It helps bring on those brief moments in our heads where we say "Perhaps I won't be like this forever... I will get through this!".

 

I am glad that the support here has been very beneficial to you.  I do believe it may be a good outlet for you to start a blog so you can vent frustration with your withdrawal more often and receive encouragement from other buddies to help keep you moving along.  In the height of my anxiety I too had trouble sitting still at a computer very long or concentrating on text. I still have to re-read a lot and it still takes me longer than usual to put my thoughts into words but I am improving.

 

There is no amount of required time you have to spend with your blog, it will still be there even if you are gone for days, weeks, or months -- faithfully awaiting your next entry.  ;)  Your post was a good start to my weekend and I hope you continue to get the strength to press on.

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I cannot tell you the times I wanted god to just "take me away". I would think I could not go on one more day and something would help me get through. I would get an abundance of energy and this would lead me in a place to take my mind off of this horrid doctor induced suffering. You too my friend are getting some kind of energy from a better place because you are reaching out and that is the first step to getting better. This is the "something" I speak of that will get you through. Just needing reassurance is not a bad thing and I needed it just as you need it now. But this is in YOUR hands to get better as well. I know you have it in you to get better.

I won't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what worked for me. I ran from the system cause they told me I was flawed and hopeless too. These people are nothing more than servants for a sick diseased system of greed and corruption that don't want to see someone get better, if anything they want to push gross western medicine and it's mediocre effect on deep issues. These drugs are without a doubt a cash cow and you cannot just give a pill for someone that has deep rooted past issues of many years of neglect. These layers need to be exposed and eliminated one at a time and this takes a long time.  There is a certain amount of patience and external understanding on the part of the those closest to us that definitely can be worked on and conqured if we are willing to take the first step.

You will win this thing I promise. I have been there and am here to tell you that it gets so much better. I wouldn't be on here wasting my time if the light didn't shine for me and had a clear vision. It will shine for you too.

Keep your faith higher than your expectations.

Truly,

Rev

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