Lonely asexual here...

[[He...]]

Hey guys,

 

I noticed there is an off-topic section, so I thought I'd post.

 

I have been divorced for 14 years. One of the main reasons my marriage ended was because he wanted sex a lot more than I did. I can actually live without it altogether. I have been on 'asexual' dating sites for 12 years, but I can't find anyone. Most of the men I meet on asexual sites are actually sexual once you talk to them. I have posted on other boards, and they tell me different websites to try. I have tried them all and the same people are on all the sites.

I decided to go back to traditional dating sites hoping to find a man with a low libido and they all have high libido's and want lots of sex. After years of looking, it is my opinion that asexual men are RARE. They practically don't exist.

I reconnected with a man I met 14 years ago. He is 20 years older than me. He had throat cancer treated and the chemo affected his libido. I told him that was fine with me because I don't like sex anyway. he responded to that by saying he wants to take meds to be able to have sex, even if he can't orgasm saying "It's a male ego thing". So, he wants to have sex with me, for his ego, when I don't want it. I can't win!

There IS a lot of pressure on men to perform sexually and to be able to do it a lot so the women in their lives have to 'keep up'.

My life would be SO much easier if I liked sex, but I don't and it isn't going to change. If you know any good men that don't want sex, give them my number!

 

[[An...]]

Hmmmm, interesting post HM. Have you always considered yourself asexual? Is sex painful or just not pleasurable to you? You mentioned you have children? This is interesting bc you want a male companion without any sex involved, correct? What about things like kissing, cuddling, holding hands......do those things interest you? Do you want someone to just talk to mostly? If you are asexual, why not just a good female friend? My sex drive has diminished greatly with advancing age, but it has not completely disappeared yet.

[[He...]]

AB,

 

Yes, I like the romantic stuff like cuddling and closed mouth kissing etc. I am straight so I don't want to do those things with a woman. I have made some female friends online though, since I am lonely. I am what they call "heteroromantic" which means I am hetero and I like romance without the sex.

 

I can tell you from an expert perspective. There are almost no asexual men that exist. If they do have ED, or something, they take meds to help them. To answer your question: I just don't like it. I can live without it. I have 2 kids because I wanted to have kids. I didn't know there was such a thing as 'asexual' when I was married. I just knew I couldn't keep up with his wishes.

[[An...]]

Has your ex remarried or is in another relationship but unmarried?

 

Did you tell your ex this bf things ended in divorce? I had to Google the word heteroromantic. I have never heard it used before.

 

I could probably live w/o sex now bc the urge to have sex is now greatly diminished. I do miss the pleasure that came from sex when I was a teen and young adult. I do not have a partner now but do self pleasure using masturbation but that is maybe once a week now, not daily like when I was younger. 

 

I had no clue there were actually asexual dating websites. I tried Plenty of Fish about 10 years ago but had no luck.

 

 

 

 

[[He...]]

AB,

 

My ex has been remarried since a year after we got divorced, My kids said they fight a lot, but they stay married. yes, my ex-husband and I went to therapy because we were having sex 3 or 4 times a week and he wanted it all the time. I am one of those (cursed) women that got tons of sexual attention and my husband was delighted to me. The therapist actually told him to quit harassing me, enjoy the 3 or 4 times a week that we did do it, and just masturbate if he felt the need, but he resented that advice. I didn't know there was such a thing as asexual, though.

 

I am on a couple dating sites right now hoping to find someone with a low libido. It seems fruitless, though. Men want to have sex as long as they can. I guess I can't blame them. Men have far more sex hormones than women do. Evolution and survival of the fittest, evolved males that want to spread their seed until they die and females that only ovulate once a month and stop being fertile after 50 or so. Now that I am 52, my libido is even lower than it was in my 20,s, 30's and 40's.

 

Wish me luck,

 

HM

 

[[An...]]

HM,

 

Women with low libido also benefit from low doses of the male sex hormone. Have you ever considered?

 

The ovaries  do make testosterone, just small amounts....even after menopause.

 

 

 

 

[[He...]]

AB,

 

Yes, I have considered getting Rx Testosterone for libido. Funny how when women have low libido's, they give them male hormones! I have a lot going on, but I could make an appointment.

 

 

HM

[[Be...]]

Once I hit menopause, sex was not important to me anymore.  Plus, I had many bad sexual experiences and relationships in my life that have traumatized me.  Most men in my life turned me off with their bad breath or the way they treated me or others and their abusiveness.

[[An...]]

I think you are right Beck as women get older. HM is right also about men always wanting sex but older men often can not perform satisfactorily without drugs. After about age 30, testosterone starts to decline they say about 1 percent a year in men every year after that. More than sex, I miss that energy and drive I use to have when I was younger. That get up and go feeling after you would awake each morning is no longer there like it was when I was in my 20s and 30s. Now, I get out of bed and dread what the day might bring my way.

[[Be...]]

I think men feel sick without having their sex drive.  I believe it's part of their overall health.

[[He...]]

Becks,

 

Yes, I briefly dated a man that is 70 (I am 52) whom had cancer treatment and it hurt his libido, but he wants to take meds to be able to continue to have sex (for his ego), so he still isn't a good match for me. I had heard, my whole life, that men's sex drive decreases with age so I was hoping to find someone on the asexual dating sites, but there is no one. Even on the asexual sites, the man still want sex. It's like they are on there just trying to convert asexual women.

I have joined traditional dating sites and sex is an expectation almost immediately. I had one man tell me, 2 messages in "I just want to reassure you that I can perform sexually just as I did in my 20's! I know a lot of women worry about that, so I wanted to reassure you." I thought 'is he serious? I need to be reassured that you DON'T want sex, lol'. Anyways, menopause has definitely made me even MORE asexual than I was before.

 

It's rough going out there.

HM

[[An...]]

HM,

Let me ask you something On these dating websites, have you mostly placed ads or answered them? When you place them, do you specifically state I am not interested in sex (sexual intercourse) with males so if you are, please do not reply to this ad.

[[re...]]

Men do eventually lose interest in sex, about a month after they're dead. You won't find one outside the graveyard, but you might find one who's not interested in sex with you. Have you tried looking for a gay man? I'm sure there's one out there who'd like a traditional Leave It to Beaver marriage, minus the Beaver - though I'd highly advise Wally to hide. Several years back I worked for a guy like that. He never said he was gay but he never stopped hitting on the younger guys in the office. He'd invite us home for Sunday supper - after church, you know. He was the boss, so we'd go, with dates. His wife was quite nice - cold as ice but an excellent cook, a real Mrs Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch. Can you at least cook? I think this type of marriage is actually quite common. In Hollywood it may be more the rule than the exception.

[[Be...]]

redevan, you're too funny, but I believe that what you're saying is true.  I've never met an asexual man ever.  In fact, my one landlord was very old and was arrested for sexually assaulting women.  After men die, they MIGHT lose their interest in sex, unless there's sex in the afterlife.  Being good friends with a gay guy is a good idea.  I dated a guy once who wasn't sexually attracted to me and I was to him.  That wasn't good for me at all.

[[An...]]

I think finding any human, male or female, who is truly asexual is very unusual. Most ppl are interested in sex , but it can range the gamut from normal to perverted. I think this drive is however suppressed when for example ppl are really sick (benzo w/d for example). If you are dying on your deathbed, you are not going to be interested in sex. The desire to eat and drink also goes away when ppl are dying.

[[He...]]

redraven,

 

I actually HAVE gone on websites for gay men trying to find a 'buddy'. I have also gone on blind websites and wheelchair websites, lol. There's nobody there. It is a myth that most men lose their arousal with age. I went on a dating site a few months ago and opened up my parameters to any age and men in their 70's were still very sexual and let me know it. You're right. Asexual men don't exist.

 

AB,

 

I am a member of a MeetUp group for asexuals and it is hundreds of women so there are women that are asexual. it is literally hundreds to one; women vs men. Just because women don't like sex with other people, doesn't mean they don't like it. A lot of asexual women still masturbate. I am also on asexual dating sites which consist of hundreds of women and a handful of men. It is what it is.

 

I am talking to a man that is 10 years older than me from a regular dating site. If it goes anywhere, I WILL have to get on testosterone to keep him happy. Oh well. We'll see. 

[[An...]]

HM,

 

Let's say you could find a man who is not interested in sexual intercourse. What other things would you want in that relationship from the man that would make you happy? Would you like to live together for example? You have talked about finances. Would you want someone who is financially secure? Do you want to Sleep in the same bed? A companion to talk to about your problems? Someone perhaps to go out to dinner with?  How happy are you with just being by yourself w/o any romantic partner? My 80 year old mother never remarried after my stepdad was killed in an automobile accident when I was about 11 I think. She had BFs after his death but never any live-in ones. Now at her age, she is completely content just living alone and talking to her friends on the phone throughout the day.

[[He...]]

Hi AB,

 

All of the above. I would love to be in love with someone that had all the boxes checked and that I could live with and be married to. No man wants that without sex. I am going to make an appointment with my doctor next week to get on some testosterone for my libido. I met a man online that I am interested in, but he is sexual (obviously). He is 60 and mentioned, on the phone, how much he enjoys 'making love for a long time and not having ten-minute sex'. soooo, to keep up with his long love making sessions, I need help.

 

That's great that your mother is happy alone. My dad is also 80 and has been single for 30 years. He has lots of friends though. I have been divorced since 2007 and had my last boyfriend at 2015. It's been a while. I want to be in love with a life partner.

 

HM

[[Be...]]

Some people have had bad experiences or been raped or traumatized by sex which makes them become asexual.  I wonder how many people are asexual for psychological reasons?

[[An...]]

Some people have had bad experiences or been raped or traumatized by sex which makes them become asexual.  I wonder how many people are asexual for psychological reasons?

 

Interesting Beck, I bet you are right.

[[An...]]

HM,

 

This guy....have you like talked to him on the phone or have you just been writing back and forth? You sound like you really like him. Everything seems to be there except he wants sex and you do not. Do you plan on meeting him F2F eventually? Is he in the same location as you are or will someone have to relocate if the relationship progresses to that point?

[[He...]]

Hi AB,

 

I have messaged with him and talked to him on the phone twice for 3 hours each time. We get along really well. I don't think (not sure yet) that he is HYPERsexual, but I know he wants and expects sex as part of a 'healthy' relationship. He is a super nice guy. I am going to meet him this coming weekend. He lives an hour and a half from me, so it isn't too bad. He is 60 and I'm 52, so that part is decent too. The other man I mentioned, that is 70, has health and financial issues and is stressed a lot so dating isn't going to work.

 

Wish me luck! I am going to call my doctor today and see what he says about libido drugs, lol.

 

HM

[[An...]]

OK HM, I hope it turns out good for you. Keep me updated.

 

Is he divorced like you are? So, you are going get in your car and drive there to meet him (yes)? Where will you meet? His home or some public place? You always want to be safe during that initial meet.