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My Husband SHOCKED me...


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And I don't mean in a good way.  He came out of the bathroom yesterday and had shaved off his beard and moustache. He has had them for forty years and I have never seen him without them.  I immediately had a visceral reaction and was so upset I could not look at him.  He looked like a stranger...nothing about him looked famiilar and I no longer felt safe...It was one of the scariest reactions I have had during this Hellish Nightmare.  For one thing he now looks like his father who was a mean and abusive man.  I still can hardly look at him...I thought this would pass.  If he speaks I recognize him but then looking at his face...it's no one I know.

 

What the hell is wrong with me?  I try to tell myself it will grow back but it does not relieve the momentary panic that is so ridiculous and illogical.  I tried to tell him that I cannot take shock right now...that when he clangs a spoon around in a coffee cup I leviate so imagine what this did to me.  As much as he says he 'gets' all of this he obvioulsy DOES NOT!  Then I told him I was going to shave my head and get a tattoo of an ice pick on my forehead.  Just another instance where EVERY FREAKING THING is all about me.

 

Thanks for letting me vent...

 

Donna

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Donna, I know where your coming from. My MIL was a witch of witches and she caused lots of trouble for me when I was younger and even though she's gone, I still have bad memories of her. Somebody told me years ago that my husband looked just like her and everytime I looked at him for a long time, I felt dislike! He couldn't help it but I guess it's just human nature. I can imagine what a shock it was for you to see him without his beard an tash but you will start to feel better. I think we become sensitized by the benzos and noises like spoons clinking irritate us far more than it would others.

 

Frannie

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I think you are right, Frannie.  I also think this incident is just another unexpected loss I feel...as trivial as it may seem.  My entire trek through drug-ville happened after I lost all of my immediate family during a short period of time...one death after another.  Three weeks ago we had to put my dear dog down...my one comfort through all of this.  I keep losing things I love and that beard and moustache...I loved them and it was that look that attracted me to him 25 years ago.  It made me angry as I feel so disconntected right now, from everything.  Nothing looks familiar and thanks to this, neither does he.

 

Donna

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Hi Donna,

 

I  entirely get what you mean...I won't go into outlaw family dynamics, but can understand your reaction.  My husband shaved off his mustache and beard about 2 years ago and surprised me, and it took me quite awhile to get used to it.  That of course was before I started tapering.

Forty years is a long time!  Maybe you could have your husband not shave for awhile and grow it back a little.  In any event, you will start feeling better ...it takes time.  We become ultra sensitive to internal and external events.  Add to this intrusive thoughts...triggering old memories, etc.  No wonder you are feeling these intense emotions.  It will pass. Sounds like your husband like mine means well.  Maybe now your hubby will become  more sensitive to your feelings...sometimes that's what it takes to have a spouse become more "intuitive".  

 

Thoughts and prayers,

Kat

 

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[71...]

Donna,

 

I had a very abusive father. He's still living. I have thoughts of him today that can be intrusive.

 

Sometimes when I look at a picture from a few years ago.. I recognize myself, but have a different outlook.

If that makes any since.

 

S#

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Hi Donna. I can see how that would be a big change.  Funnily enough, my wife has been asking me to do that very thing for a couple years now. But then again, she's not taking a benzo :pokey::).  If it really bothers you, maybe you could ask him to keep a dark shadow, kind of sexy Miami Vice look!

 

V

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I think you are right, Frannie.  I also think this incident is just another unexpected loss I feel...as trivial as it may seem.  My entire trek through drug-ville happened after I lost all of my immediate family during a short period of time...one death after another.  Three weeks ago we had to put my dear dog down...my one comfort through all of this.  I keep losing things I love and that beard and moustache...I loved them and it was that look that attracted me to him 25 years ago.  It made me angry as I feel so disconntected right now, from everything.  Nothing looks familiar and thanks to this, neither does he.

 

Donna

 

Donna, I again know where your coming from because my drug use started after a tragedy and before I could get over that I lost two brothers and a much love brother-in-law, one every six weeks. Life is not always easy but I know that you will feel better and heal. I'm so sorry about your dog, the loss of a pet is very painful and probably made  your symptoms worse. Hang in there!

 

Frannie

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This is disturbing to me right now too.  I have been going through benzo hell in one form or another for almost 2 years and the last 5 months I've had bad DP/DR and I don't "recognize" my husband and daughter.  And now I look at him and think he is my father (he is 13 years older).  I know it's crap and bogus and w/d, but it's still upsetting.  I find it's worse when I look either one of them in the eye so I avoid that and try to just talk to them without it.  Stupid and someday gone I pray!

 

Mary

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[71...]

This is disturbing to me right now too.  I have been going through benzo hell in one form or another for almost 2 years and the last 5 months I've had bad DP/DR and I don't "recognize" my husband and daughter.

 

Mary,

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I know how d/r and d/p can be. It's one of the most horrible sx's in my book! I had it once for 6 months straight.

Anyone who has d/r or d/p has my sympathy. I have it at times as well. Why it was ever created... I have no idea, though I have studied that it is a defense mechanism.

 

S#

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Thank you all so much for your replies and support.  I hope that some day I am healthy enough to help others.  It sure is a bumpy, unpredictable ride.

 

Donna

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If he speaks I recognize him but then looking at his face...it's no one I know.

 

I have felt that way about my own face during this whole process, i have been totally unrecognizable to myself and still am sometimes...I do think with time you'll get used to his 'new' face, just be patient with yourself.

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If my hubs were to shave his mustache without telling me, I'd be a tad upset as well.

 

I totally get what you mean about it being unfamiliar and feeling unsafe.

 

Wonder how he'd feel if you shaved off all your hair without telling him? :o

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