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Windows & Waves but Waves are more intense than before????


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Hi everyone - I am blessed that I have had some windows and I am not complaining, just want some clarification.  I have read many times where people say that as they heal, their windows get longer and their waves get less intense....not for me... my windows seem to be only a day or a day and a half and the waves seem to be longer and very very intense.  They cause horrific fear and anxiety in me - almost like I am back in acute withdrawal.  I am sure that I am in too much of a hurry, patience is not my virtue.  But after a day of "almost normal" and then to be slammed with one of these horrible waves just takes me "out" iin this journey.  And I find it so weird that when I do go into a wave, I totally discount the wonderful window and don't believe it.  I lose all hope and feel that I will be like this forever.  But in a window - I am almost convinced that I am healed and can put this all behind me. Then the next day comes and I am lost all over again.  This is really hard as I go from being "UP" to being "WAY DOWN."  I'm afraid that isn't healthy....

    This is so darn inhumane, I can't believe we survive through this.  It's like we have two minds - a benzo mind and a rational mind and each one is able to cancel out the other one and almost abolish it from memory.  Is this normal?  Or do I have something else going on here?  I am depressed but when in the window the depression lifts and so I am hoping that means that I won't be depressed when I am healed????

Also, if we were "permanently damaged" we wouldn't get windows...is that right?  So windows are a sign that we are NOT permanently damaged?

Right?  Thank you for taking the time to read this and to respond.  It is very much appreciated.

Love Hoping2BFree

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The chemical imbalance caused by the benzo brain won't allow you to feel positive or optimistic so when you get hit your mind automatically starts thinking worst case scenario and of course worst case scenario in benzo WD is that you will never heal. I totally feel your pain. I had the most amazing window the weekend before last. I felt like a god for about 3 hours. The next day I felt very good. Then, everything started sliding downward. The past 3-4 days have been the worst I have had in weeks. Can't wait for another window....

 

 

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Thank you for your response Florida Guy,,,,,wish my brain could understand that it is a benzo brain and that I could change it and tell myself not to be so fearful.  This is so difficult.  We really are mentally damaged, aren't we?  But windows do mean that it isn't permanent, right?  Thanks for the info and the reassurance.  HOpe you get another window soon.

Hoping

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I know how you feel.  I also get maybe one or one and a half days without symptoms then wake up and have the next two days or more of misery.  When I do get a window, I don't get very excited about it yet because I know it is not going to last. This is the most frustrating and depressing time of my life right now and am not seeing much of a light yet.  Hang in there.
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It's like we have two minds - a benzo mind and a rational mind and each one is able to cancel out the other one and almost abolish it from memory. 

 

hi hoping...that is a really good way of putting it.  i can totally relate.  our goal is to hang on during the bad times no matter what, even if we believe at the time that it is NEVER going to end. that's ok, we just have to get through the days.  so glad you're having windows, that's great.

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Hi JJ - I see you are off in October - so that makes you almost 8 months free - how are YOU doing????? Any improvements?  Any relief? 

 

Thank you both for writing JJ and Armslynd.....yes I am just about to hope for NO WINDOWS, as the aftermath is so horrible.

 

Hoping

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Hi Hoping.  You're not permanently damaged, but your CNS is taking time to heal and that is normal.  As for depression, I think it is possible that if you struggled with depression before benzos, you might still have that to cope with after your benzo healing is more or less complete.  Yes, some of your blues could be compounded by the recovery off benzodiazepenes too.  In my case, I had anxiety before benzos and I still have anxiety and am ok with it.  I'm gradually trying to deal with and understand my reactions to stress and build better coping skills.  I wonder if you ever found a therapist who might be able to work with you on some of the issues that lead to depression and the ups and downs that you seem to be experiencing fairly frequently.

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

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Hi Hoping...I just wanted to say that I have the same sort of experience that you mentioned...about when you are in a window, you feel can't believe how bad you were feeling before...and when you are in a wave, you can hardly remember that you had a window.  I had 2 good days in a row this past Saturday and Sunday...clearer head, more optimistic, burning pain gone...I actually felt like a different person. And then late Sunday night, a terrible wave rolled in that just washed away all of the good feeling that I had the two previous days.  It is almost as if those days did not really happen.

 

I agree that this process just wears you down.  The up and down of it all is absolutely exhausting and discouraging.  I am glad that we all have each other here, to bolster one another's spirits.  I am glad to hear that you have had some windows.  Any windows that I have had are typically quite short.  Having 2 good days in a row is something that hasn't happened in quite a while.

 

About the depression, L123 (who is now mostly healed) talked with me quite a bit about her depression...how the depression of withdrawal is different...deeper and more awful...than "normal" depression.  She had a terrible time with it, but I think is mostly over that now.

 

Hang in there, Hoping.  We ARE going to cross the finish line!

 

Love,

Leena :smitten:

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We really are mentally damaged, aren't we?  But windows do mean that it isn't permanent, right? 

 

I don't think we are mentally damaged. The benzo brain would have us believe we are but it's more about the way or bodies process and/or produce the chemicals we need to maintain our mood/feelings/motivation.

 

I know perfectly well how hard it is to believe that we are healing when we have symptoms but everyone who has been through it says that they healed eventually and I doubt we will be any exception.

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Thanks everyone for commenting - it helps alot to hear different answers and ideas. 

      Verti - Re the depression - because it lifts when I have a window, I am not really worried that I will be that way afterwards.  I started taking Prozac when I had my heart operation along with the Klonopin.  I take 80 mg of Inderal which is to keep my heart slow and Inderal in itself can cause depression so they gave me the Prozac when they gave me the K.  I should have tried to get off it - just didn't know.  I was doing well on it and the K and so just stayed there.  I would like to get off the Prozac right now but am afraid of w/d from it.  So I am tapering ever ever so slowly.  Never did find a therapist, after 4 tries and they all want me to go back on the drug, I have stopped looking for one.  No one understands benzos and the psychologists all learn from the same medical model that the doctors learn from....so they are not going to learn anything different.

      Leena - thank you for chiming in and I am so very glad that you had two wonderful days this past weekend and so sorry that you are STILL dealing with this after all this time.  But if it is w/d, and it certainly sounds like it is, then you know that you will heal.  And feeling like a different person is definitely an indication that it was a window so I am hoping that you get more and more of them.  And I have been talking to L123 by PM - she is 13.5 months benzo free - is that about where you are? 

      and Florida Guy - thanks for being there with your encouraging comments - they always help me....very level headed and common sense....

Wish I could stay that way throughout this withdrawal..

      Thank you All!!!!

Love Hoping

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When you talk about a wave--is it mostly physical or mental symptoms? 

 

Leena--same question?  16 months out and there are days that feel like day 1?  Wow--majorly discouraging at only 51 days out for me

 

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[f2...]

I'm at Day 43 of a CT from 30+ mg of Valium and I've had some good days where I think the worst is behind me. It seems like after every good day there is a so-so day and then the next 2-3 days my emotions just become overwhelming, which I guess is how I experience a wave, and I have trouble sleeping and during the day I just feel so "jammed up." On those days, all I can do is look at my watch and make it from one hour to the next, hoping that when I go to bed that I'll be able to sleep and that the next day will be better.

 

It's frustrating to be so up and down, but I guess that's the nature of this beast. It's now 4:40 p.m. in Arizona and all I can say is that I think I've made it through the worst of the day. Late morning and early afternoon always seem to be the hardest times.

 

Hang in there. All we can do is face the future and move in that direction, because we know what awaits us if we give up...

 

Jac in Tucson

 

Me on Day 43:  :idiot:

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