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Fear of...oneself?


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I don't even know how to explain this, but I am 99% sure it has to be from the benzos....or it was from the Zoloft I was on for about 11 days.  Not sure. 

 

I never had felt this way ever before in my life and it's sort of disturbing, because I tend to think I'm a pretty "stable" person.

 

Want to start out by saying I'm 100% not suicidal, which is great.  But maybe it's from reading that stuff can cause suicidal tendencies I'm afraid of that happening?  I'm almost paranoid of everything that could potentially hurt me, maim me or kill me.  I get scared when driving that I could lose grip on the steering wheel and crash, I am afraid that I'll accidently move the knife I"m cutting veggies with and cut myself badly, I'm terrified of guns.  I used to love going to the range....I have my own firearms.  I want to be normal again so badly.  It seems that I get these "odd thoughts" when I'm having a lot or DP/DR or anxiety.  But I want to go to the range again.  I want to use knives and not be scared.  I want to not feel weird when I drive - cause I drive about 1 hour or more a day.

 

Has anyone else had weird thoughts.  I have GREAT days sometimes when I feel so good, and try to force myself to remember how I feel because I know I'll have bad days too.  And then when I have bad days, I feel like they will never leave.  I feel like I'll never be "normal" again, like I'll never be myself again, like I'll constantly be in fear for the rest of my life.  Like my beautiful birthday present (a gun) will never be used again aand will forever remain in the safe I bought when this started (that I don't have access to). 

 

I don't want to feel "weird" anymore.  Please somebody have had this before and can tell me I'll feel like me again.  :(

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Yes,  tneliga..... You will feel like you again!

 

What you are feeling is all related to your withdrawals, weird stuff, I know. There was a time when I was afraid to walk to the mailbox to get my mail, afraid to to go to bed at night because of the scary dreams and nightmares, afraid to go to the store. You name it and I was afraid of it.

 

Those (afraid) feelings are all gone now. Yes, those nasty benzos can do weird things to our minds and our bodies.

 

Keep reminding yourself that this will all be over one day, and when you are driving your car, unafraid, and looking in your rear-view mirror, all your withdrawal experiences will become a distant memory.

 

pj

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm going through the same thing almost right now.  I have had some really good days, about 3 in a row, but now I'm back in the gutter.  I understand your feelings that you want to get better and be the old person you once were, I as well am in that same struggle.  

 

Another thing I wanted to comment on was the "S", word.  I have a strong fear of that, and the word does pop up in my head a lot for some reason. But I'm definitely never going to hurt myself, it's just the thoughts of it that scares the day light out of me.

 

But you are not alone, we are experiencing almost the same exact thing right now, just keep faith!  I know we will both make it out of this and return to the people we were before this tragedy happened!!

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Hi pj:

 

You're experiencing obsessiveness and "control issue" stuff.  If you are hard on yourself, or typically hold yourself up to very high standards, now is a really good time to ease up on yourself.  Also, if you are guilty over experiencing the symptoms or emotions you are having, it's really important to try and accept them.  The harder you fight the OCD stuff, the more power the intrusive thoughts can have.  Try to have a bit of a sense of humor about them.  Yes they will pass with time provided you develop the patience to wait it out.  These experiences will not conform to your time table though.  You will be fine.  Take care of yourself.

 

Draftsman 

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It is the  benzos talking. Sometimes they shout the strangest things in our head.

 

Try to be calm, what you used to enjoy, you will enjoy again. Try and be very, very patient with yourself.

 

-dan

 

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Hi Tneliga.  Thoughts are just that.  The mind is a chatter box and just keeps on coming up with thoughts that sometimes scare us or trick us.  You can't stop the chattering mind from pumping out outlandish thoughts.  The crazier the better sometimes.  I agree with Draftsman that it's best to keep it light and choose a humorous spin when you get a thought. If you take them too seriously or try to resist or stop certain thoughts, sometimes they come back with a vengeance.  I'm glad you are not seriously considering taking any action on some "S" thoughts.  If you ever did, I hope you would confide in somebody close to you or call a hotline.  Meanwhile, I commend you for keeping your firearm locked, safe and out of reach til you or your family feel it is safe not to do so.  As for the "feeling normal", "normal" in my view is over rated!  Although I do think I know what you mean by that.  I'm reading an interesting book now by John Oreberg called  "Everyone's Normal Til you GET TO KNOW THEM".  Check it out on Amazon if interested.

 

Best wishes and God Bless,

 

Vertigo

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Thanks everyone for the reassuring words.  I think it's mostly the paranoia, and I have a huge fear of death.  Which lead me on a huge journey in my faith, and I'm doing well with that.  I'm hoping it helps the fear of death - which is why I think I'm having these fears of the "s" word.  I understand them and understand it's not real just weird thoughts, but they are just that....weird.  I really appreciate the thoughts, because it's nice to know I'm not the only one.  

 

And I have no issue with the actually acting on the S word.  It's more of a strange fear of the word itself.  And everyone has weird thoughts I think, we think weird things all the time....but it's almost like the thoughts are now scary for some weird reason.  Like I said, I can't even explain it, but I have a feeling you all know what I'm trying to say, and understand it's not something I can explain.  But I feel like I can tell you all about it here without you thinking that I'm actually thinking about the "s" word or that I'm crazy.  I'm just having withdrawals, I'm "normal"! 

 

I just know that tomorrow will be a better day...a whole day of Zumba instructor training.  WAHOO!  NO weird thoughts allowed tomorrow  :thumbsup:

 

 

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I have been looking to buy a motorcycle for the past couple of months. Just bought one today, matter of fact. I know I will be healed enough to ride it confidently eventually, but for now I keep having bad thoughts running through my head. One is that I am going to snap my ankle putting my foot down when I;m moving, the other is that I have fallen off of the bike and something hits my head like a ton of bricks. Lights out....

 

So yes, I do know what you are going through/

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Hi pj:

 

You're experiencing obsessiveness and "control issue" stuff.  If you are hard on yourself, or typically hold yourself up to very high standards, now is a really good time to ease up on yourself.  Also, if you are guilty over experiencing the symptoms or emotions you are having, it's really important to try and accept them.  The harder you fight the OCD stuff, the more power the intrusive thoughts can have.  Try to have a bit of a sense of humor about them.  Yes they will pass with time provided you develop the patience to wait it out.  These experiences will not conform to your time table though.  You will be fine.  Take care of yourself.

 

Draftsman 

This is some of the best advice I have ever read about withdrawal. Thanks!  The more I accept what I am feeling, tell myself "its just withdrawal" and not make a big deal out of it, the better the day goes. Some times its easy to do, other times is a challenge. But I do my best! You can read my posts and know the days I am struggling with it. :)

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hi tneliga,

i have similar thoughts..afraid of cutting myself badly when i'm chopping vegetables, afraid of bending over the wrong way and herniating a disk, afraid of hitting somebody with my car, afraid of going hiking alone in the woods with my dog, afraid of going into the city, scared that the sun is going to give me skin cancer, etc etc.  when i am feeling particularly brittle and having lots of symptoms, the world feels abrasive and seems like a very threatening and scary place. i can understand your hesitancy to pick up your gun and fire it right now, heck i'm afraid to pick up my guitar and play it.  this is definitely all withdrawal stuff and it will all become 'normal' again.  btw, i think that returning to a 'normal' state in which benzo withdrawal is not a factor in what we sense/perceive/think/feel/fear etc. is a totally different topic than 'what does normal mean, anyway?' while that is an interesting topic, what we are experiencing is so far off the spectrum of 'normal human experience'...these drugs were not meant to be taken repeatedly, nor withdrawn from. and we need to remember that what we are going through is other-worldly. it is nowhere near normal, and i find that to be comforting, that this is all so, SO wrong sometimes.  and it's ok, because it's only temporary.

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this is definitely all withdrawal stuff and it will all become 'normal' again.  btw, i think that returning to a 'normal' state in which benzo withdrawal is not a factor in what we sense/perceive/think/feel/fear etc. is a totally different topic than 'what does normal mean, anyway?'

 

Yeah, I just want to be " me normal" again.  What normal is for me, how I used to be, what I used to think about.  I liked normal me, I don't have any problems with my normal self, and I think other people like my normal me too  :D

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I have had a similar problem and is very scary thinking such crazy thoughts and feeling you are going to do something insane.But it will go away just hang in there.
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[7c...]

IMO. The fear of yourself can be somewhat controlled. I know it's hard.

It's the true you coming back into focus. I accept it, and go on.. as I know this is part of the process.

I know this advice is very little, but any advice in withdrawal can be worth a thousand words.

 

You take care of yourself, and when the fears appear, just try to focus.

This is your true self coming back. It's just my theory 'cause the Benzo suppresses so much, Of course you are going to feel things you haven't in a while.

Your body will adapt.

 

Hang in there, one step at a time, okay?

 

S#

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