Visual Input Making Lobotomy Worse

[[Ma...]]

Does/did anyone have the symptom that visual input is like a trauma to your brain?  I am having to close my eyes for about 20 minutes every hour because it feels like I have another concussion every day.  Went with my husband last night to drop my daughter off at prom and on the way back it felt like even more of my brain had been removed and it's was so terrifying.  Only 47 days out and I know the worst is yet to come.  How the hell do I survive this without being institutionalized?  This on top of the DP/DR and I feel like I'm going to be put away and that I'm a danger to everyone!  What happened to my life?

[[ja...]]

 

Mara...Omg I can remember me at 47 days I knew I was a mess for sure , I couldnt walk well ,like couldnt get the message from my brain to my legs so scary, couldnt write ,couldnt speak well, couldnt articulate my words wich scared me the worst cause I was always able to speak very well and with much conviction..My brain was so bad and I thought for sure I was done ..But as the weeks started to slowly go bye I was getting all my factilties back what a relief and could consintrate watch tv wow I kinda forgot about that awful time,.You just need to stay as calm as you can and know your not alone in this !!! Many of us have had this happen and are healed of this I know as for any mental issues I had they are all gone completely!!! Hang in Mara I know its scarey I really do..You will not have to  be put away you will have your healthy brain again its just TIME ..I know thats frustrateing It was for me..Im here and so many others for you...Hugs jenny

 

 

Heres a soft sweet song for you hope u likey

 

[[Ma...]]

You are such a gift from God!!!  Thanks Jenny.  I don't think it's any coincidence that I first heard this sung by this guy yesterday on YouTube and now you send it to me. 

It's so bad now and I keep hearing people's stories about it getting worse and worse and worse and I don't know how to handle what I've got now.  I guess I have to succumb to vegging out on the couch all day if I have to, but I feel so bad for my family who has been going through almost 2 years of this disaster with me--from one med to another before I figured out last fall that the meds were the problem, not me.  I have to keep remembing that my brain has been traumatized and is trying to heal and if it is stressful even to have my eyes open or talk, then I have to succumb to that I guess. 

Love you!  Praying for you sweetie!

[[ja...]]

Mara...aww  ..I know how much guilt we put on ourselves I did I still do really bad :'(...You know if you have to succumb to vegging on the couch Mara its ok...Your in a healing state and if you had this from a car accident not 1 person would fault u you for this!!! Same thing ur brain is tramatized and it needs to heal so you need to be gentle on urself ok??? Just know all those other meds and fears of whats wrong and why...Is all in the past and your moveing FOWARD Love ya sweety  Jenny

[[dr...]]

I feel for you.  The time frame you are at is about where I had some of my most intense symptoms.  Just remember that you will eventually come through it and be able to look back on it as a past experience.  Try to distract yourself as best as you can.  Feel better.

 

Draftsman 

[Guest [Tu...]]

I'm not far behind you -- I'm at 39 days off a CT from 30+ mg of Valium daily. I found the first 30 days were mostly physical, as the drug left my system. I had a lot of things like tinnitus (which I still have, but not as intense) and the feeling of an electric current flowing through my brain and occasionally going "zap!" It was pretty uncomfortable. At about my one-month mark I noticed the physical stuff ease up, only to be replaced by what I call "emotional gunk." I had an increase is just waves of emotions that left me feeling really out of my mind, and with it a strong increase in derealization. I'd go for my morning walk and whereas that first month it was tough dealing with the jitteriness, now it's as if I'm walking through a haze, which makes me quite anxious at times.

 

I kind of fought the emotional gunk at first, then I gave in and just let it wash through me and that seemed to help. I woke up yesterday and the d/r was pretty much gone and I had probably my best day since this hell began. I woke up today and the first thing I did was look out the window at my back yard and the d/r was there, but not as intense as it was earlier this week. Today hasn't been as good as yesterday, but overall I feel like I am witnessing my brain finally begin to work again. I know it's going to take some time, so all I can do is hang on and push through this.

 

As for "the worst is yet to come" -- I really try and avoid predicting stuff like that. Other people may have had problems after six weeks or eight weeks, or whenever, but each of us has a different journey and I think that by expecting "the worst" to be ahead of me, I'd be setting myself up for some bad times to come. I try and focus on my end goal -- living day-to-day benzo-free and being in the here and now -- but to take this one day at a time. Yesterday was better than today, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow will be worse than today; it could just be better than yesterday!

 

There's that old saying that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Well, that's how I am viewing my journey through CT hell: one step, one day at a time.

 

Hang in there and keep pushing forward. I'm looking forward to tomorrow -- Day 40! -- and, well, at some point I'll be at Day 47 like you. What will it be like? I don't know. It may be better than today or it may be worse. I'll deal with it then. For now, I'm just working my way through today.

 

Keep on keepin' on! This bad trip has got to end eventually!

 

Jac in Tucson

 

Me on Day 39:  

[[we...]]

I can't claim to write as eloquently as the previous posts, but I took confort in reading their posts.  It may get worst, it may not.  Not everyone gets setbacks.  Symptoms come an go.  For me, the shaking is starting to subside and sleeping is improving.  I found it really useful to journal to see the progress.  Now when I make my journal entry, I look back at the same date a months ago and think "oh yeah, that was not a good day, I was worse then".  I still have pretty thick fog (d/r) but I'm confident it will go away as soon as the adrenalin stuff settles down.  I've started rating my days out of 10 in my journal, and that helps too.  I was in a bad state at your stage, particularly the extreme nervousness and for me, the lack of sleep. 

 

It's not completely gone, but I can now cope with those feelings.    You've made it this far, you'll get through this.  We all will.

[[Ma...]]

Love you all!

[[Ma...]]

Is it "normal" to literally feel like you have an additional concussion every day just by having your eyes open?  I literally can't do anything because I can't have my eyes open for more than 10 minutes an hour.  What is the mechanism behind this?  One minute totally DP/DR, next minute totally lobotomized.  Totally non-functional.  Day 48 and oh dear God how much worse?

[[Pa...]]

Does/did anyone have the symptom that visual input is like a trauma to your brain?  I am having to close my eyes for about 20 minutes every hour because it feels like I have another concussion every day.  Went with my husband last night to drop my daughter off at prom and on the way back it felt like even more of my brain had been removed and it's was so terrifying.  Only 47 days out and I know the worst is yet to come.  How the hell do I survive this without being institutionalized?  This on top of the DP/DR and I feel like I'm going to be put away and that I'm a danger to everyone!  What happened to my life?

 

I'm not sure why you think it's going to get worse?  This is bad, that's for sure, but you're healing and things won't be getting worse, they'll change sure, and some of the changes won't be pleasant, but please don't expect the worst, it's too hard on you to think this way.

 

Have you had a concussion before, do you know what it feels like?

[[mi...]]

Does/did anyone have the symptom that visual input is like a trauma to your brain?  I am having to close my eyes for about 20 minutes every hour because it feels like I have another concussion every day.  Went with my husband last night to drop my daughter off at prom and on the way back it felt like even more of my brain had been removed and it's was so terrifying.  Only 47 days out and I know the worst is yet to come.  How the hell do I survive this without being institutionalized?  This on top of the DP/DR and I feel like I'm going to be put away and that I'm a danger to everyone!  What happened to my life?

 

Hi this this is mishi.  I feel for yu so much  I am tapering right now and I feel like sometimes i am dying a slow death.  You have a friend here.  I think we are the same age.... Your lucky you have your husband with you.  I really hope you are feeling better.  Anytime you want to chat I am here.  Wish you the best of luck

[[Ma...]]

Sorry to post again about this but this is REALLY disturbing!  Went with my husband again late yesterday to run a couple errands that I absolutely had to do.  I can't have my eyes open in the car cuz it's way too much trauma on my brain.  Had to get new glasses and the lighting in the store combined with having to sit and talk to someone and figure things out was more than I could handle.  I wasn't nervous--just minute to minute it felt like my brain was "giving up" and "gone".  Closing my eyes to give them a break helps the feeling that someone has turned my brain into hamburger with a sledge hammer, but having my eyes closed makes the DP/DR worse because I feel gone.  Please tell me someone has felt this way and survived without losing their mind!  It's only Day 53!

Love you all,

Mary

[[we...]]

I've felt this way, 4 months off and I'm still here.  Just one moment at a time.

[[Ma...]]

has it gotten better or worse wellness?

 

[[we...]]

better, mary, better, most days.