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Symptom Surges


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Dear Friends:

 

Today and yesterday I am being hit by surges in my body every 20 minutes or every hour on top of the crushing depression.  I will have a surge of anger, which then turns to anxiety or a surge of rage and upset or hate or confusion  I have nerve pain but I get several surges of deep nerve pain on top of it during the day and I cry out.  I have fatigue and get surges of deathly fatigue and I can't even move as the other surges.  Is anyone else experiencing this?  Thanks.

 

Also, I am being hit with everything.  Waking up with depression and intrusive thoughts several times in the night, waking up with head dizzy waves and pressure and depression with fluish symptoms, weakness, fatigue and surges and intrusive thoughts all hitting me at once.  I can't function and out of it and have been this way for days.  I walk in and out of the house, back and forth with vacancy of mind and cannot do a thing.

 

The vacancy has not let up for weeks and weeks and I cannot focus on any tasks except to vaccuum over and over or walk back and forth with small items to put away or just walk aimlessly in the neighborhood while avoiding or despising everyone and everything and not wanting to come back to the house to sit and suffer. 

 

I inch down the street, cowering, and come back to the house and over and over. I was inching down the street yesterday and a neighbor called out to me and I just burst out bawling and she tried to comfort me but when I tried to explain she told me to come over to her pool or to take my camera with me on my walks and so she cared and could understand some but then the normal people say things that we know won't help us really.  So then I nod my head like what she suggests will help me because I don't want to sound negative and say that I have taken my camera with me 1,000 times already through these many months and I am just all worn out trying to distract or make myself do what I cannot enjoy anymore.  All my creativity is gone and all that I used to do was emotionally creative and I don't have the love and joy and humor in me that drives my creative  side that is dead.

 

I can hardly walk but being still hurts. I pick up my camera but can't hold it up and put it down.  I can't stand to see or hear my husband move, I can't sit in a room with him and see him move his pen to write.  If he leave the room, I feel abandoned.  I ask him a question about withdrawal and when he tried to answer I get stressed and can't listen and then I apologize.  I can't talk as my voice rings in my head and I can't listen to anyone or anything. Every sound upsets me.  I can't read or watch TV or see normal people at all now.  I have worsened.  I cannot respond to my family in anyway.  I can't respond to laughter and it vexes me.  It has really gotten out of control. 

 

I cannot sit in the car anymore in the parking lots waiting for my husband to do errands or shop.  I get out of the car and inch around feeling isolated and ignored by all the normal people dressed so nicely, and taking for granted their purposes, interests and visiting as they come in and out of the stores. 

 

My thoughts are so dark for long periods now and so I tell my husband that I should not be left alone, but I can't stand to be in the car and see all the street signs and people on their cell phones chatting and smiling in their cars and drinking lattes from Starbucks.  I am hateful and grieving and my body is full of it all physically and well as emotionally.  I go from fatigue with it all to exploding with it all.  I was in the car with my husband and looking down as I just couldn't look at any traffic, billboards or any people and my husband said he was going to stop at Eddie Bauers to get pants on sale and I started screaming and screaming as I could not stand the thought of sitting in the parking lot again or going in the mall and pacing with my head down with all the shoppers and happy people filled with restaurant food and I can't hardly eat for the last three years while on the dope, tapering and now withdrawing for 13 and a half months.  My husband had to take me home and then I felt so guiltly and so I told him to go get the pants and I stayed home and rocked in a chair and sobbed and paced and thought dark thoughts and just can't function at all.

 

I went with my husband to kinkos and I was so depersonalized, vacant, paranoid, and depressed and my body was hyper and I couldn't sit still and so I inched around the parking lot, hyper and fatigued and all the pretty people didn't notice me and I wanted to run up to all of them and say, help me, help me. help me."  And yet I knew they couldn't do a thing for me and wouldn't want to and would know that I was strange and scary.  I could easily become a street person but could not survive.  I looked all around at the Municipal court, police station, the Papa Murphy's Pizza place, the natural foods drug store, the church, the work out center while my husband was in Kinko's and I thought how none of those places or people could help me.  I was lost and shivering in the sun and kept asking God to help me but I feel no help from above and feel abandoned and alone.  My husband keeps babysitting me and how much more can he take?  He is tired of my whining and who could blame him? I cannot be comforted in anyway and I am just not being polite anymore and yet I feel guilty and apologize. When he walks out on me I think the dark thoughts and just want to end it all.  I'm not mature to handle this withdrawal.  I won't go into all the dark thoughts but they are the worst and I cannot believe that I would ever in my life entertain these thoughts so much and I am ashamed and also afraid of what I think but I am also afraid that the thoughts don't scare me like they used to when I first had them, but it has been so long now with these kind of thoughts.  Is anyone like this too?

 

 

 

I was writing to ask about these surges and then wrote every thing else but I would like to know about the surges coming too much and making me so very sicker than sick already. These surges of all kinds keep coming several times a day and they are cycling surges of every kind of mood and metabolism swing. It is out of control. Is anyone else like this with too much surging?  Why am I getting worse and worse? I think I am going to have to move away from my family now because I am having a hard time with self-control over all this prolonged suffering but I don't have anywhere to go.  As time goes on and on, I am feeling less and less that I can go on waiting and waiting.  Please help.

 

  Thank you friends, and please write back.  Hope4us

Hope4us

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I read half of what you wrote because I've got a terrible migraine.  And I can't read well being so wacked off this med. K....  But I got the depression part and can completely understand.  The rage too.  I'll read the rest later, but I wanted to let you know someone is thinking about you and wishing you the best....Sorry can't finish reading my head wants to explode.
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Dear CathyS:

 

I am weeping for you sweetie.  My heart goes out to you.  I don't want you to have to suffer this way.  I am so sorry for all of us, and thank you for writing even when you are suffering so much.  God help us all.  I am sending you a hug.

 

Hope4us

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I know those feelings very well. It used to seem like anything and everything would grate on my nerves. You feel helpless. Worthless. Other people seem like aliens from another planet- they can talk, laugh, and go about their day while you sit there barely able to perform the most basic tasks.

 

The good news is that you WILL get better. I'm not out of the woods yet but I am 100x better than when I was at my worst, and although it is still a rollercoaster ride, I can look at my progress over the course of weeks or months and see that I am definitely healing.

 

Keep your chin up.....you will feel better soon.

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I cannot stand seeing people move or engage in normal activities or hear them talk either. I know how sad and guilty this makes you feel :( Keep on keeping on, Hope.
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P.S. take a look at my blog. My struggles are similar to yours, I think. Maybe it will help you to know we're in this together
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Thank you FloridaGuy and Princezz for writing.  FloridaGuy, I am glad you are getting better, and I just wish I could say that to.  Princezz, I will check out your blog.  Thanks again for caring.

 

Hope4us

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Dear Friends:

 

Yes, yes, every movement and every sound deeply bothers me.  It brings anxiety, grief, irritability, even the changes in the weather today.  It all greatly bothers me.  It has been going from overcast to sunshine outside and these changes are upsetting me.  I do feel like I am crazy with each breath, and I can't even imagine relief coming anymore. 

 

For these symptoms to leave, it will truly feel like a miracle as those who have gone before us tell us. 

 

Hope4us

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FloridaGuy, I am glad you are getting better, and I just wish I could say that to.

 

You will. We ALL will. It's just impossible to believe this when your benzo brain is in control.

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Friends,

 

If we can't stand movement or talking, what do we do?  I just want to wall off in a room somewhere.  I just have so much difficulty trying to cope with it and face it.  At the same time I am so lonely too.  The hours just slowly tick by day after day. 

 

Thanks again for saying we will heal.  How I want to repeat those words to others, because I would also really be feeling healing and knowing it.

 

Hope4us

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Hope,

 

I've locked myself away in my room and I stay on the computer all day. Luckily I am a web designer so I can gainfully occupy myself without being around others and their noises/movements. Even when I don't feel like doing it, it helps to pass the time and I don't have to face the world. I do feel like a prisoner behind these four walls but I know it will pass. I've written a note to my family and they understand. They just bring me food when I can't get it for myself and otherwise stay out of my way. That way I don't hurt anyone. In the beginning I was so awful and rude and each time it only took seconds for the guilt and pain to kick in but I just couldn't help but berate them for being so noisy, or eating loudly, or doing whatever it was that set me off at the moment. This w/d takes a lot of adjustments, and not only on our parts. But it will end.

 

*many hugs*

 

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Dear Princezz:

 

Thank you for sharing.  I have been really struggling being around all the movement and small talk.  If I could just work on my photos on the computer, it would help, but I struggle to do even that.  I do hope and pray it will end soon.

 

Hope4us

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