I cannot express..

[[xe...]]

..the depths of my frustration at having reinstated right now. It was "only" 1mg I thought, having jumped off 3mg. I'll taper off it easy, I thought.

 

Ha! If this is ANY worse when I finally jump, it will have all been for absolutely nothing.

 

The only benefits of this reinstatement taper are A) SLEEP and B) More good moments. My healing curve is probably going to be LONGER even after tapering because my benzo-addled brain is so thoroughly fried now!

 

I know, I could slow down the taper, but I've been lowering my dose for over a year now (c/t attempt included in that time-frame), and I just can't live in this taper madness for another 6+ months to significantly slow it down, taking 6+ months to taper off 1mg of K is more than I can live with as it is. I do have to feel good enough about myself to sleep at night.

 

I'd be jumping off tomorrow if I didn't make two important promises, as the paradoxical garbage I've gotten since tapering after c/t is worse than anything else, interdose w/d very much included.

 

DO NOT C/T.. but if you did, please think twice about reinstating, do not do it as a knee-jerk reaction to a panic attack... I was tapering just fine before the c/t... flying, even.

 

Thanks for listening to me vent....

 

EDIT: Oh, and I almost forgot about the month and a half it took me to stabilize on my reinstatement 1mg. It really offered little immediate relief.

[[xe...]]

I just wanted to also share with you all that my gf just described me as "The nutjob on the couch" to her/our friend who is visiting, and I couldn't help but laugh at myself at this point.

[[Pa...]]

Hi Xenofears,

 

Thanks for giving such a good account of your frustration, the promise of feeling better after a reinstatement is a powerful motivator.  You've described what I've seen too often, so hopefully your words will help someone else looking at this option.  I'm sorry we're learning from your misery. 

 

Pam

 

P.S.  I'm glad you could laugh with your girlfriend. 

[[xe...]]

Thanks Pamster.. in true form, I'm still laughing to myself. The laughing fits are kind of fun... but surely quite annoying to others.

[Guest [CM...]]

Hey P,

If I can be a sorry example for you of a cold turkey, then let me be it....

It f***ing sucks. Yes boy does it ever.

I'm the deer in the headlights on the couch, who can type - and not shower.

Yes. picture it, that's me and this is awful.

Be thankful for the sleep that reinstating brought back to you.

A good friend once told me how important sleep is to healing.

It's true.

Please don't jump, you've done it before, it didn't work too well. Be well Your pal Melo x

[[xe...]]

You were one of the two people I was speaking of I promised Christine, I'm not jumping.. not yet at least! Just extraordinarily frustrated.

 

Please try and get some rest... Well, if you can't, you can't... Wishing it for you at least..

 

Talk to you soon.

 

Pete xo

[[Be...]]

Hang in there, Xeno - it won't always be this way.

[Guest [Tu...]]

I'm one of those fools who CT'd. I'm 37 days into a CT. I reinstated for 3-1/2 days at day 18 and it really didn't do much but make me mad at myself for giving in. So I snapped out of it and resumed my CT. I'm still keeping track of this CT in days because it seems each day brings a new challenge, so I really have done this just one day at a time. I don't even think about tomorrow and what it may be like. I just need to make it through today!

 

This is miserable but I can't reinstate. I can't go back to eating pills to be "normal." I'm so fried. My brain is misfiring like an old out-of-tune engine in a car. Emotions wash over me and it's so hard sometimes to just "be." Yet I just keep on. There is no option. I hope someday to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it's just darkness and frustration, day in, day out...

 

So, it's Thursday. Another day to struggle...

 

This is still me on Day 37: 

 

 

[[xe...]]

It's official, 0.35mg K and I am back full circle to my c/t and still ON the stuff.

 

This is going to be one long hard road...