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Today, I smiled :)


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Today I had planned to go to the beach with my family.

 

I woke up about a half hour early and wasn't feeling good. Called my mom and told her I wouldn't be able to make it. I knew that I would probably be ok once I got my body moving but I didn't want to take a chance on being stuck somewhere for 6 hours in case I wasn't feeling good.

 

I finally pulled myself out of bed at 2pm. By that time I was feeling a lot better.

 

About an hour after I got up I started to feel a wave of optimism wash over me. It's hard to explain, but it's as if the real me was there, lurking just below the surface, DYING to burst out of the zombie host body I have been living in for the past few years.

 

I have had this feeling several times over the past few weeks. Up until now this is what I was calling a "window". It has always been a good feeling but it had never progressed beyond me feeling that I was "almost" ready to start feeling better.

 

About half way through the afternoon I decided to go to the mall. I wasn't looking forward to shopping but I am taking my motorcycle certification class in a little over a week and I need to pick up a few supplies. One thing I have to buy is a pair of boots, so my first stop was a shoe store.

 

As I am walking into the mall the agoraphobia started to set in. I knew I had things to do so I pressed on and made my way into the store. Once I got inside the store I started getting hit by the usual thoughts. "I hope I'm the only person in the store" "If not I hope no one talks to me", etc.

 

And then something strange happened. A few minutes into my shopping, the negative thoughts began to melt away.

 

I didn't see what I was looking for at the shoe store so I decided to try a couple of other places.

 

Here I am, walking through a shopping mall, people all around. This was the first time in AGES that I was around people and didn't feel like I wanted to run and hide or worse yet smack someone upside the head for being happy like a normal human being.

 

By the time I hit the third store, which was all the way on the other side of the mall, I started to feel like SUPERMAN. No lie. It felt AMAZING!

 

While I was looking for a shirt I saw the sunglass rack. I must have spent 20 minutes trying on sunglasses. This is something that I have been meaning to do for months but until today I wouldn't have been able to spend more than 30 seconds in that kind of situation. I found a cool pair of glasses and made my way to the checkout.

 

No problems waiting in line. Normally I would feel like a zoo animal on display. Not today. I actually felt less anxiety than I would have before the benzos!

 

By the time it was my turn to pay I was smiling. I was actually SMILING! I wanted to reach across the counter and hug the sales clerk, that's how good it felt. Didn't feel like having security throw me out on the sidewalk so I refrained from accosting the sales girl, but I was feeling so good that I went to visit another store.

 

On my way back through the mall I felt all of my senses coming back to me. The sights. The sounds. The smells. Ahhh....the smells....

 

The scent of the shoes and purses brought me back to a warm summer afternoon playing catch with my new baseball glove. The smell of the perfumes took me back to the nights of dancing with the pretty girls at my favorite bar. The scent of the packaging, the new clothes, the candles......everything seemed so new, so invigorating, so....real.....

 

If the mall weren't closing I could have stayed for hours. I was being stimulated, but it was GOOD for a change. No, actually it was GREAT. Normally my nerves would have been on edge and any sort of stimulus would have given me a rush of negative emotions. Irritation. Anger. Disgust. Fear. Envy. You name it. But today it was as if everything had done a 180 and all of the things that were stimulating me were flooding me with positive emotions. Joy. Elation. Optimism. It was AMAZING!

 

Another thing I noticed (as evidenced by the overwhelming desire to hug the cashier) is that today I was attracted to people. This is HUGE. Ever since I have been in WD I have not wanted to be around people. At best they annoyed me. At worst they pissed me off. Most of the time I just didn't want anything to do with anyone. But today it was completely the opposite. I wanted to be around people. Their presence made me happy.

 

I'm not going to start celebrating yet but I'm sure that this is a pretty good indication of what's to come  :thumbsup:

 

 

 

 

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Excellent! :clap: :clap: :clap:

 

Sounds like you're we'll on you're way to freedom from the grips of this drug!

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Florida,

 

It's been a long time coming.  You totally deserved this one.  Congrats.  Thanks for sharing, we need these posts.

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That's sweet about wanting to hug the sales girl.:)

 

Before your post, just yesterday, I was thinking about the time I had posted a similar one about catching myself laughing...it's a wonderful feeling, isn't it.  I seldom smiled, too.  I see strangers smiling a friendly smile, and realize I'm smiling at them...that's a huge encouragement.  I laugh and smile every day day.  It hasn't gone away, and I hope it stays with you.

 

Kat

 

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Great news Florida Guy - so happy for you.  Isn't it amazing how good we feel when we feel NORMAL?????  And to smile and/or laugh - wow what a miracle..  I haven't laughed too much - but I have a Goal Sheet and that was one of them - to laugh out loud and when I did, just once or twice, I gave myself a gold star.  I am sure you were overjoyed and I hope the feeling stays with you and continues.  So very happy for you - we all celebrate your progress with you!!!!

Love from Hoping2BFree

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WOW -

 

I'm happy for you....... :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee:  My husband if he sees me with this long face one more day I think he'll go nuts,,,,, for me I've got to fake it....

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Great news Florida Guy - so happy for you.  Isn't it amazing how good we feel when we feel NORMAL????

 

Yes it does  :yippee:

 

I have had one time in my life when I experienced a manic episode. This was back when I was on and AD and that was a common side effect of the drug.

 

This almost felt like mania, but not quite. I think it was just the contrast between how I have been feeling and how I strated to feel yesterday that made it seem like I was feeling BETTER than normal.

 

That brings up another interesting point- what is "baseline" for how we should feel when we are feeling normal? It would seem to me that yesterday I probably was feeling normal even though it felt like so much more.

 

Anyway, today is another good day. I'm not feeling the sense of heightened optimism that I felt yesterday, but I did notice that I am not on edge like I have been. I need to get a few things done so I can get out of the house and see how the world looks today. Some more shopping might be in order  8)

 

 

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Okay, here I am a few days later.

 

I would say that I am definitely still in a window although the euphoria was limited to a few hours on the first day.

 

Yesterday I went shopping again. I hit three different malls. All of these malls are busy. Lots of noise and activity. No problems. For the first time in many months (more like YEARS) I don't feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole when I am out and about. I feel like I belong.

 

This is so encouraging! I am guessing that I'm still in for a relapse at some point, but the more I experience what it is like to feel "well" again the more faith I have in the idea that one day this nightmare will finally be over.

 

 

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Hey FG

 

congrats on the good days you've had, I am just a bit behind you re time off the benzos so am encouraged about how you are feeling at your time frame of being benzo free

 

I loved the "zoo animal" reference, I can relate to that one and it made me laugh, so thanks for that

 

anyway I am getting better, I can sleep now and the W/D are lessening although slowly, but it is happening

 

so we keep the faith 'with our eyes on the road and our hands upon the wheel'

 

LK

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Florida Guy,

 

I am glad you are experiencing some relief!  I can't wait for the time when I will know for sure that things are getting a lot better.  All the best.

 

Natron

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WOW!! I have been feeling like total crap lately, and this... this made me smile.

 

Thank you for that  :)

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