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[[Wi...]]

I feel like the rest of the world is out having fun and enjoying themselves and doing things and feeling alive and I feel like I'm stuck in a deep dungeon and can't get out.  I'm severely depressed.  I feel no sense of joy or optimism ever about my future.  The pleasure center of my brain is broken. 

 

I'm am really feeling like this today especially..I was thinking I should stop kidding myself..I'm seriously mentally ill feeling like this.  I'm with you all in the lonely fear and isolation.  My face is dead-pan, no smile, no movement, zombie-like, internal anxiety, can't cry, so scared I'll never be me again.  I used to act, sing, teach meditation and work in a hospital treating people with clinical massage therapy.  I see myself there, but it's like I'm trapped behind a hazy piece of glass and can't merge with myself.  This xanax has really fucked with me. Depression is a weight around my neck.  This is why psychiatrist want to feed you more chemical drugs.  It happened to me before.  I ended up on six medications, xanax being one of them..long-term use.  I've come of  2 of the meds, a slow taper, and the benzo is the third.  I still have gabapentin and lamicatal to go..which also affect gabapentin receptors.  I don't know how I'm surviving all of this.  I do nightly brain plasticity meditations with deep body breathing..I am standing in faith that it is restoring me.  Everyone here will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I know what hell this is..you are not alone

 

My prayers for you as well! It is hell. It really makes life unbearable, but we just somehow have to keep going. Hope and healing.

[[Wi...]]

How is everyone doing?

 

 

[[Ne...]]

I'm still just existing.  9 months into this most severe hellish setback.  Absolutely no windows, EVER!  It's just insane that a short term use of a medication to help me sleep has destroyed most of my life since!

[[Be...]]

I feel like I'm half dead.

[[Be...]]

My brain areas feel disconnected from each other making me feel half dead.

[Guest [Le...]]

I was in the void for 4 years. I'm completely out of it now

[[Be...]]

leftwing, that's good.  Are you young?  I think younger people get out of this hell easier than older people do.

[[Wi...]]

I was in the void for 4 years. I'm completely out of it now

 

Thank you for sharing. So it took you 4 years from jump to recover from this or did you have this while tapering? Glad you got out. I’m trying not to freak out about still having years left of this void.. I’ve had it this bad for a year now. Can’t deal with it much longer.

[Guest [Le...]]

I developed it 4 months after my last dose. Kind of felt it while tapering but not bad. I think it's dissociation from heavy DP. Anything that calms the nervous system will help you

[Guest [Le...]]

4 years isn't guaranteed I've seen people have it for much less

[[Wi...]]

4 years isn't guaranteed I've seen people have it for much less

 

Thank you! Yes I guess it is personal journey for all. It’s so easy to future trip.. but not a good idea to do it. Have to live one moment at a time! Glad you are feeling better.

[Guest [Le...]]

4 years isn't guaranteed I've seen people have it for much less

 

Thank you! Yes I guess it is personal journey for all. It’s so easy to future trip.. but not a good idea to do it. Have to live one moment at a time! Glad you are feeling better.

 

CBG oil cuts straight through dissociation for me. It could give you some breakthroughs.

[[Ch...]]

Just want to chime back in that I started feeling some spiritual stirrings again last month, so 16 after jumping. It’s really helped me turn a corner as I’ve felt totally adrift and like a stranger to myself since this started. But I think my practice of doing things even when they didn’t emotionally resonate has helped. So even though I felt nihilistic, I kept an open mond about any kind of meaning or spirituality that would give me any relief. Gotta figure that anything could reach me in this mess, then there’s something to that practice/idea/etc.

 

Fyi, engaged buddhism from the Plum Village community and fantasy/sci-fi guided meditations have been the most helpful. Christianity (which used to be my thing) left me feeling totally alone.

[[pa...]]

How does antibiotics cause withdrawal to happen?

[Guest [68...]]

Ive been dealing with this a lot. Panicking about god and whether or not he exists. Looking at people and having thoughts that were all just fleshy organisms with brains and eyes walking around. Where do emotions come from? Do we have souls? What is this reality im living in? Why do I think the things that I think? Why can't I just be normal? What is normal anyways? Am I crazy? Etc.

[Guest [Le...]]

Ive been dealing with this a lot. Panicking about god and whether or not he exists. Looking at people and having thoughts that were all just fleshy organisms with brains and eyes walking around. Where do emotions come from? Do we have souls? What is this reality im living in? Why do I think the things that I think? Why can't I just be normal? What is normal anyways? Am I crazy? Etc.

 

Meditate

[Guest [68...]]

How? How do you meditate?

[Guest [68...]]

Ive been dealing with this a lot. Panicking about god and whether or not he exists. Looking at people and having thoughts that were all just fleshy organisms with brains and eyes walking around. Where do emotions come from? Do we have souls? What is this reality im living in? Why do I think the things that I think? Why can't I just be normal? What is normal anyways? Am I crazy? Etc.

 

Meditate

 

I don't have these thoughts all the time necessarily. Just some days more than others.

[[Wi...]]

How does antibiotics cause withdrawal to happen?

 

For some they can cause setback. The mechanisms isn’t well researched but it’s indicated that some antibiotics are neurotoxic and affect the CNS, brain and not to mention the gut (which is the second brain.)

[[Wi...]]

Ive been dealing with this a lot. Panicking about god and whether or not he exists. Looking at people and having thoughts that were all just fleshy organisms with brains and eyes walking around. Where do emotions come from? Do we have souls? What is this reality im living in? Why do I think the things that I think? Why can't I just be normal? What is normal anyways? Am I crazy? Etc.

 

This is very familiar! Existential obsession. The way I have best dealt with it is just distraction and trying not to give too much attention to the thoughts, just observing they are there and then trying my best to distract. They will ease with time. Right now might not be the best time to dwell in the mystery that is life, it can cause more anxiety. Right now we need to be our best friends and try to calm ourselves with talk like “you are always safe, no matter what.”

[[Wi...]]

How? How do you meditate?

 

I encourage meditation for everyone and it has saved me, however I couldn’t always do it during the worst symptoms. Meditation isn’t always accessible during withdrawal and the more detailed guided meditations aren’t necessarily helpful when the brain is compromised. No one should feel bad if they can’t do it. With existential stuff I have found that dwelling too deep with these questions, when the mind is temporarily unable to rationalize, isn’t helpful, since these thoughts are brought up by the state of our nervous system and they will ease when the nervous system heals. But this is just my experience!

 

The key with meditation is to learn to listen to your own body and needs. Sometimes the best kind of meditation is simply observing and recognizing certain aspects of the withdrawal but then gently trying to take your mind off of it. Practicing acceptance and surrendering are by far the most effective ones. It is sometimes called cultivating the observer - there is symptoms that are happening but I am not the symptoms, I am the one observing. Hence, it puts a little bit of distance in between the suffering and the sufferer and makes it easier to see it from a more neutral place. I love this quote by Mary Oliver “maybe even float a little above this difficult world.”

 

Can you practice being the observer and bringing yourself back to your core, back to safety and the place where nothing can touch you. It is easier said than done, but that is why it is called a practice. It grows and grows the more we can do it. Breathwork (pranayama) can also be soothing if you don’t have air hunger. If being in your body isn’t too uncomfortable, yoga nidra can be also helpful, which is a type of grounding body meditation.

[[Ho...]]

I read a success story once by someone named River Wolf (I think)? and he talked about this void/nothingness and talked about his spiritual connection being cut off. I totally understand what you are describing and that is what I think makes this whole thing feel for lack of a better word, demonic. Like whatever is going on in our brains is a spiritual death of sorts besides the emotional and physical. I did read that when he got better all of it came back and he felt connected again to himself, spiritual life and felt such immense connection it made him cry. Anyway, I think what you are describing is spot on and I am feeling it too. I am a religious person who is praying my face off more than ever now and going to church more than ever and getting prayers read for me and I feel nothing. zip. zero. nada. A void. It is the worst part for me. But I do believe others when they say it went away. Thank you for putting it in words.

[[Wi...]]

I read a success story once by someone named River Wolf (I think)? and he talked about this void/nothingness and talked about his spiritual connection being cut off. I totally understand what you are describing and that is what I think makes this whole thing feel for lack of a better word, demonic. Like whatever is going on in our brains is a spiritual death of sorts besides the emotional and physical. I did read that when he got better all of it came back and he felt connected again to himself, spiritual life and felt such immense connection it made him cry. Anyway, I think what you are describing is spot on and I am feeling it too. I am a religious person who is praying my face off more than ever now and going to church more than ever and getting prayers read for me and I feel nothing. zip. zero. nada. A void. It is the worst part for me. But I do believe others when they say it went away. Thank you for putting it in words.

 

Thank you for reminding of this succes story, really needed to hear that it will all come back one day! And when it does, it must feel like heaven. I’m sorry you are struggling with it as well. I think it is one of the worst ones for me as well.