One year since the beginning of the end of my imprisonment

[[fu...]]

Hello all

 

One year ago, I filled the last prescription of Klonopin that I abused.  This is significant for me because I remember very well what was going through my head then.  The next ten days were all the proof I needed that I was completely in the grips of that drug.

 

I had been taking more of the medicine than my doctor knew about for a long time but was able to, in my mind, control it such that I'd have some days with extra K, some with as-prescribed, then a few without enough that I'd just gut through, counting the hours until I could get more.  However, a year ago, I'd reached the point where I was usually going four days or so without any K since I'd finished my bottle.

 

My pattern which I'd stumbled upon was this:  Get a 15-day supply.  The doctor thought it was better to give me half a month than a full month as I was less likely to abuse it.  What I realized though was that the local pharmacy would fill a prescription 3 days before you were supposed to be out, and nobody ever looked back to see how frequently prescriptions were being filled or, in the doc's case, written.  This meant that I could get almost an additional week per month worth of pills by always getting a refill at the earliest possible date.  I'd usually finish the bottle in 10 or 11 days, then have one or two of cold-turkey.

 

A year ago, I'd killed the 15 days' worth in about 8 days and therefore had more cold-turkey time than usual (remember I could refill on day 12 or 13--don't remembdr that detail).  With the long half-life of K, a day or two was bad but barely bearable; 3 days to 4 days was torture.  I specifically remember coming back from the pharmacy with the bottle 1 year ago saying, "Wow, I really f'd that up, I won't burn through this one so fast."  Then I took probably 2 1/2 days' worth of a prescribed dose, justification being "I have to make up for the days I missed to get back to normal."  I finished that bottle of 30 pills by something like the 16th so I was taking on average five a day--but, really, there were days with more than that because I was trying to ration them at the end.  I don't remember the details of how many, it's too foggy; I can however look at the calendar and reconstruct some of what must have happened.  I really went on a benzo binge though, right after telling myself never again.

 

My success story is that on the 18th of last year I got honest with everybody.  I'll post that story in a week or so if anybody's interested.

 

This post, though, is marking where I came from and almost a year later, am free of benzos, Ambien, Sonata, Lunesta, Soma, Rozeriem, Trazodone, Seroquel, Remeron, Benadryl, kava, valerian, phenibut, and whatever else I tried.  And i'm good! 

 

I am finding it wonderful beyond words to remember the pain, despair, and utter pointlessness of existence when all I was doing was waiting for some variation of Klonopin: for the prescription to be approved, for the doctor to call back, for the pill to "kick in" and all the accompanying fears ("What if somebody actually looks back a few months and sees what I've been doing?"  "Why don't I feel anything anymore?"  "Why don't I want to do anything if I'm supposed to be better?" "What if I lose my bottle?"...).  I don't wallow, I just observe.  Life has become a beautiful thing like I remembered it being and feared would never happen again.

 

So more later :-)

Thanks!!!!!

 

[[...]]

Thanks so much for your story. I'm wondering at what point you started to feel like yourself again.

 

I have been attending AA meetings for support in my addiction, and reading from the AA Big Book. Your story would fit right in. Thanks! And congratulations.

[[ca...]]

So glad to hear you are feeling better, congrats!!!   

[Guest [Si...]]

Congrats! 

[[am...]]

I was abusing them like that but unfortunately here you can go to numerous doctors for the same thing and no one knows.  I was getting a month script every few days from different doctors and burning through the pills in 2-3 days in addition to other things......suffice to say....I couldn't keep up that rate of abuse for long and eventually imploded.

[[da...]]

Fullofhope,

My story is so similar to yours!

I was running 2 rxs. Would still run out "too early"

When I lived in Los Angeles, I would drive to Tijuana to buy even more.

 

[move]As of 9-13-10 -clonazepam free![/move]

 

I am so happy you shared your story,

 

-Dan