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Anbody 8 months BZ free and still suffering?


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I am ashamed of myself to keep asking for help - I am in such a bad place right now - 8 months bz free and feel like I'm going backward.  Is there anyone else out there who is 8 months free and still having w/d?  I am so filled with fear and anxiety and I can't get it under control, don't know how to help myself.  I put out an SOS post on Thursday and got some good replies, but my benzo mind just won't allow it to sink in - I am certain that I am never going to heal.  I am so very depressed - please, if anyone is 8 months out and still going through this, please let me know.

Again I apologize for bothering folks on here - I know we are here to get help and to give help but I feel like I have worn out my welcome.

Thank you all

Hoping2BFree

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At 8 months out I was still a mess, I had a real hard time grasping any positive thoughts, but if I compared it to how I was feeling in prior months I am able to see the improvements. I still have a hard time with cognition and depression but nothing compared to what it was like before. I had a marked improvement about 8.5 months out that seems to have stuck with me so far so I'm hoping I actually turned a corner in this process.

 

You're not alone on this and I know it's hard to see the improvements when they last so darn long, but when I look back on how bad I was, there's a lot of improvement and I try to look at it that way and keep on keeping on.

 

Hang on Hope, you'll get through this, I know you will  :thumbsup:

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Thank you Star for your encouragement. I so appreciate your taking the time to write to me....it means alot to know how others were at 8 months off - I wish you continued healing and getting your life back.  Won't it just be wonderful to say we feel NORMAL?

Love Hoping2BFree

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Hello Hope,

 

  At 8 months i was still not doing all that well, and i believe the majority of people feel not well that early into w/d, most consider 6-24 months as the healing timeline. 8 months is sure a long time, but in the Benzo w/d world it is still pretty early in the game. You really need to try and calm down anyway you can ( i know it is near impossible ), but keeping yourself crazy like this is just going to make it worse. Just remember that you are not alone in this, we will make it.

 

Take care,

Dpete

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Thanks Dpete - very wise words and I will try very hard to keep myself calmed down.....things just went off the wall this afternoon - this wave I am in is very intense and has been since Wednesday.  yes 8 months is a long time and to realize that it is EARLY is mind boggling.  I hope you are doing well and thank you so much for writing.  I appreciate it.

Hoping2BFree

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Hang in there Hope...I was on Klonopin 11 years and c/t with no idea about protracted withdrawal...I was EXACTLY 7 1/2 months out (and pregnant to boot) when it came back with a VENGEANCE....I mean I actualy thought I was going insane and checked myself into a mental hospital WITH NO IDEA that it could still be the benzo...

 

I kept thinking "this is worse that my 4 months of agorophopbia laying on the couch"...it's worse then EVER...

 

And when it was over...I was so relieved...afterwards I "knew" I was a normal person after all...felt more normal that I had since I was a teenager...it's coming...I promise it RELIEF IS COMING....

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Dear Hoping,

 

Never be ashamed for asking for help- I know you're 8 months free and it sure as hell doesn't feel like freedom and the way you describe your anxiety it sounds intolerable.  I'm sorry I didn't reply to your shout the other day - I was so wrapped up in my own emotional pain that I wasn't up to helping anyone.  But there you were, like Johnny on the spot, and I did reply to you on my own blog - not that I expect you to read it.  Your words were so kind and compassionate and well thought out it gave me allot of comfort.  So here I am, trying to do the same for you.

 

Eight months in benzo time feels like an eternity and when you're sufferring every day you think you can't stand one more second of it, but somehow you do.  But as Dpete said, healing can take up to 12 to 24 months - that's cold comfort when your feeling this badly but try to remember things can turn around within the next month.  Some people report significant healing beginning at 9 months.

 

We are here for you but are you alone all day?  I can't imagine that you feel like company but sometimes a real live person to talk to can offer support.  I know you tried the counseling route and it didn't turn out well.  However, I am sure that you are eligible for elder services and even though I'm not elderly, my therapist comes to my house.  I just can't stand the thought of you being alone all day long and all night.  You might request a therapist that specializes in elder care or infirmmed people.  I don't know if you're able to get up and out a few days a week but if you're not I'm sure you're eligible for home makers to help clean your house and grocery shop or the VNA just to get some people into your home where you have some interaction and TLC.

 

I wish I had more to offer you except my thoughts, love and compassion for you.  You are so special to me.  Never forget that you are special too - offering your help and compassion to those in need on the forum.  You give so much no matter how horrible you're feeling.  Just try to think about some of the things I suggested Dear.  I do not want to see you go through this totally alone.

 

With All  of My Love,

 

Sara :smitten:

 

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Hi Hoping,

Sorry that you are having a hard time.  But, it sounds like you are in a wave right now and that seems to be the common pattern for lots of us.  I also had a horrible time at 8 mos.  I know it seems like a long long time and it is, but as you know it takes quite a long time for the gaba receptors in the brain and body to regain their affinity to our calming gaba.  I finally got to the point of realizing and accepting that there really is no set time frame when it comes to healing.  Our bodies and minds have their own time frames and what we do have hope of is that healing does and will come.  It's self defeating to dwell on the time factor or the symptoms because that will only make you feel worse.  It's really important to keep in mind that each day you get thru and survive withdrawl is one step closer to being healed.  Hang in there, your doing great and getting better each and every day !              Ginia

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Hi Hoping, You are our Navy Seal when it comes to combating benzo misery.  The more a person suffers and stays the course, the more that person is a hero.  You are there to help us, as you have helped me.  I read your posts and the answers to them and feel stronger and more resolved to make this work.  On good days I say I really don't care how long this takes as long as I am making progress.  On bad days I say "Woe is me. Let me out of here."  I gain endurance when I read that it might take 12-24 months to be fully healed.  I will buy time whatever the time takes.  Keep on posting.  You are an inspiration and it apparently "takes what it takes."  Love you lots.
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After 8 mo I was still in pretty bad shape and I recall thinking at that point I was never going to feel "normal" again. Heck, after ten months I'm still feeling the effects, but I'm slowly getting better. Hang in there.
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Hang in there Hope...I was on Klonopin 11 years and c/t with no idea about protracted withdrawal...I was EXACTLY 7 1/2 months out (and pregnant to boot) when it came back with a VENGEANCE....I mean I actualy thought I was going insane and checked myself into a mental hospital WITH NO IDEA that it could still be the benzo...

 

I kept thinking "this is worse that my 4 months of agorophopbia laying on the couch"...it's worse then EVER...

 

And when it was over...I was so relieved...afterwards I "knew" I was a normal person after all...felt more normal that I had since I was a teenager...it's coming...I promise it RELIEF IS COMING....

 

really needed to read this...as i was driving today, crying and begging God to please help me, b/c i just can't do it anymore, i felt like i was losing my mind and i entertained the thought of checking myself in somewhere and just getting medicated to escape this hell...so it is good to know that i am not alone in this. i'll be off 7 months on Tuesday.  thankfully, i do not feel that desperate right now, but i seriously feel like my symptoms are getting worse lately...

hoping, thanks for starting this thread..you are definitely not alone

J.

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Hi Hope

 

I'm 8 months out too and still really suffering. There has been some improvement but it feels like such a long time for (what feels like) so little healing. I'm suffering incredible anxiety and it takes all my strength just to leave the house. But for the first 4 months I didn't leave my house at all and saw no one. I had my groceries delivered (ordered online), paid my bills online and that was it. In the last 3 months I've been able to see some old friends, but I can only chat with them for half an hour or so before I get too anxious. Right now I'm about to see an old and dear friend that I used to live with for ten years and I am sooo anxious about it.

 

I really feel for you and your suffering as things sound really bad. But hang in there Hope, we will both get there in time. All we need is to be patient. I know it's frustrating that it takes such a long time but before you know it you'll hit a window, then another and you'll feel the healing taking place even if it is slow progress. Have faith. Wishing you all the very best,

 

Px

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Looks like there are several of us in this boat. I'm a couple of days from 8 months off xanax and it seems like the last 3 wks I have gotten worse with the mental battles; especially like the thought, "Am I going crazy?" The mornings are the hardest it seems for me; anxiety and worrisome thoughts (but sometimes, I will just go ahead and worry all day--why not?  :laugh:)

 

The secret is that we MUST stay determined, focus on the positive (I look where I've come from), and realize that we are not alone in this thing. Seeing so many in the boat here, makes me just pick up and keep on paddling toward the Haven of Recovery.

 

Keep going, keep praying,

 

William

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Just over 8 months free and apart from the first couple of weeks  this has to be my worst wave, mental sx's are through the roof,  physical pain is off the chart, I can barely walk for the pain in my back, I went back to work at 7 weeks free and suffered through everything this nightmare throws at us and at 8 months i have had to have my first day off. hope this lets up soon.
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Thank you for your comments - it seems that the mental sx seem to be worse around this time - I wonder why?  You are right William, though, we are not alone in this battle.  I try to keep busy but can't focus.....good luck to us all as we continue on this very very tough journey.

Hoping2BFree

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The minister, John Ortberg, has an interesting book called "If you Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat".  I think it's a good metaphor (even if you may not be Christian or religious).  Many of us have at least gotten out of the benzo boat and just need to keep paddling like William said, a few prayers might not hurt either ;).  By the way, at 8 and 9 months, I had a setback which led to a variety of unpleasant s/x. I report on this on my blog.  9 months later, things are significantly improved.  I ended up having another wave at 14 months so I won't lie and say it was all peachy after 10 months but slowly but surely, one does heal. Things were pretty good at a year and after that wave at 14-15 months, things got better (I hope for good :)).   Some of you may heal quicker than me.  Many seem to turn the corner by a year, some even sooner.

 

Vertigo

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