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Horrible day.


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So yeah, I'm struggling to the max everyday. I just came off a very strong painkiller (oxymorphone) and I've been clean for eight days (and I am very proud of that) however, while I was taking the oxymorphone for about two months, I was also tapering klonopin. I went from 6mg of K to 3mg of K in a matter of those two months and never experienced any symptoms because I was using oxymorphone. It was obviously a stupid idea but my parents wanted me off the klonopin more than I did. I was careless about it and they went with me to a psychiatrist session and he told them that the best way to do it was to cut 1mg every 2 weeks. I was so depressed prior to this because I had previously abused other painkillers (vicodin, oxycodone) and I really stopped caring. I've been a member here since July of 09 but I gave up after my first taper attempt (while taking vicodin) which lead me to increase my dosage of klonopin in the end eventually going back up to 6mg.

 

When I took oxymorphone, I felt I could conquer the world and I thought I would get through with my klonopin taper and continue to use oxymorphone. Well, oxymorphone is nearly impossible to get and I ran out and was forced to go off cold turkey leaving me on 3mg of klonopin without any euphoria to offset the symptoms.

 

NOW...

 

Things in my mind are going crazy. I'm juggling two addictions. You can criticize me however you'd like but I can tell you as a fact I was never this stupid prior to taking benzos. I was pretty much straight edge.

 

Here are my symptoms:

 

- Crippling anxiety, that awful disgusting feeling in your chest. The level has become unbearable.

 

- Sleeping problems, even with benadryl or nyquil, I cannot calm my thoughts down

 

- Panic attacks upon waking every afternoon...yes, EVERY time I wake up, I have a panic attack which starts the crippling anxiety

 

- Electric shocks, last night they were so bad, I was twitching like a madman. I almost wanted to call 911 because I felt they could have been convulsions. I don't know what a convulsion feels like...yet.

 

- Hopelessness and severe depression, this really just kills me. Kills me. Usually at night, I more optimistic telling myself I can do this but upon waking the next day, it just returns.

 

- Suicidal ideations, I am hesitant to put it here but it's there. I don't think I could ever do it, but sometimes when your mind wanders and you don't know what to with yourself, the fantasies emerge. Again, this tends to go away by night time possibly because I take nyquil. Nyquil is disgusting and probably not a good idea but it works wonders at night. I take a little more than the recommended dosage.

 

- Loss of interest, movies, tv shows, music, any sort of thing that could distract my anxiety do not help. This is insanity because I love music and it's helped me so many times before but not this time. I can't listen to music without thinking my life is over...

 

- Fear of being alone and doctors, family not understanding situation, I understand the fact of the matter is that this is going to most likely take years. I still haven't accepted that because one day is like wandering through hell. Nothing productive is getting done. I'm falling backwards and right now I don't have the strength to do anything about it besides cry. The thing that scares me the most is that I'm going to be 23 and I'm probably going to have to suffer the later parts of my early twenties, the time when most people my age are starting careers, out having fun or both.

 

I've gotten lots of advice so far, some conflicting. A moderator here told me that 6mg to 3mg in 2 months was not considered 'rapid', and it followed the 10% every week guideline. Many others (different group) told me it was WAY too rapid and that I had to stabilize at 3mg until the symptoms go away (yeah right :() to make my next cut, others have told me updosing would generally be a good idea in this case, one person said I could have seizures at this point. My Dad called a benzo-wise doc and he said it was a safe rate to go at and I could be probably be symptom free in 2 months if I continued to cut. What?!! P.S. Now I've spoken to 2 benzowise docs from that site and neither of them sounded benzo-wise.

 

I'm going to a very old (70s?) psychiatrist on the 11th to discuss things. I didn't make the appointment, my Dad did. I kind of know the outcome.

 

I just really need some advice guys... please. Stabilizing at 3mg doesn't seem like a good idea because I don't ever remember being able to stabilize at higher dosages in the past. Should I keep cutting and suffer until I go into insanity? There are a lot of factors that don't make sense in my head right now. For example- since I tapered so fast (supposedly), does that means the withdrawal sx last longer or are they just more intense? I'm a royal mess.  :'(

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I really not qualified to give any advice Charlie. Your in my prayers.  someone who is will be by I'm sure.  Hang strong.  Linder
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You're going to get conflicting advice because we all have a different perspective based on our experience.  My experience as an alcoholic and an addict recognizes this in you, so I feel you should get off of Klonopin as quickly as you can because taking even a little of any drug will only tease your addictive nature.  Being clean and sober is the only way to get through life for people like us, taking a sliver of the drug would be impossible for me, and I suspect difficult for you. 

 

You're going to feel bad no matter how you do this, your previous tapers, your use of other drugs which affect GABA have set you up for the perfect storm.  If it were me, I'd do a rapid taper, get clean and live with what comes next, but at least you'll be drug free.  It's easier to live life when I know the rules and the rules are, no drugs or alcohol.

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For the sleeping problems and slowing your mind, this is what works for me;

I listen to guided meditation on my ipod. When the insomnia was really bad, even just listening to this stuff helped me get some rest, if not sleep.

The rest was good, and got me through the worst.

You can do this!

-Tanya

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You're going to get conflicting advice because we all have a different perspective based on our experience.  My experience as an alcoholic and an addict recognizes this in you, so I feel you should get off of Klonopin as quickly as you can because taking even a little of any drug will only tease your addictive nature.  Being clean and sober is the only way to get through life for people like us, taking a sliver of the drug would be impossible for me, and I suspect difficult for you. 

 

You're going to feel bad no matter how you do this, your previous tapers, your use of other drugs which affect GABA have set you up for the perfect storm.  If it were me, I'd do a rapid taper, get clean and live with what comes next, but at least you'll be drug free.  It's easier to live life when I know the rules and the rules are, no drugs or alcohol.

 

How quickly do you think I should go? I mean the symptoms don't seem to be subsiding at this dosage. I'm not sure why people are suggesting I remain on this dosage. I don't really think I can 'stabilize' at this point. I think I'm going to do quarter cut every week until I'm down to 1mg and then go slow. The symptoms are hardcore right now, it's pretty much unbearable w/ anxiety and depression. It's all day long too. I'm trying to fathom how it could get any worse than this right now and I'm sure it does. I don't understand how you guys coped. I think about giving up, using again, checking myself into a psych ward. Deep breathing, exercise, listening to tapes, all that stuff seems to be no match for my anxiety. I used to be able to control my anxiety to some extent but this time it's unconquerable. The depression... if these symptoms don't lighten up before I jump off, I know I won't make it. I try to focus on the days as they come but every day is the same. This is just insanity.

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Sometimes it seems that it isn't the meds when it is, which is kinda weird, but it is..... all looking forward to better days, happier times, and loving life again.
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Charlie.. you are still in acute opiate w/d! Acute short-acting opiate w/d ALWAYS has a distinct end to it. If you haven't felt it, it's not over yet!

 

It's also highly likely your opiate c/t has sent you into severe benzo tolerance w/d.. I've seen it happen so many times. Your choices are get off (relatively) fast or updose until your are comatose and have a much worse problem to deal with in the end. EDIT: Just wanted to add, from my experience, updosing usually results in paradoxical effects... You keep trying to get relief until it gets paradoxical.. and trust me, that's even worse than tolerance w/d..

 

Pamster has good advice for you.

 

For me, the drug w/d's completely annihilated my drug addict nature.. it's gone.

 

I hope you at least have good support in your life, i.e. your parents?

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I know you're in pain, but this is going to get worse before it gets better, so you have to be prepared.  I don't know anything about opiate withdrawal, but Xenofears does, so please listen to him about what you're experiencing and how you should proceed.  I can tell you though, that you need to get off of the Klonopin as quickly as you can, and your thoughts about cutting a quarter each week sound good.  The temptation to up-dose will be hard to fight, so the sooner you can get off of the Klonopin, the better off you'll be.  This is going to be painful, getting off the drug completely will help you to keep from using.  All or nothing Charlie, and it's time for you to choose, nothing.

 

 

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