Fighting hard... fighting the breaking point

[[Cr...]]

Today was a really bad day for me.  After having a decent weekend, this whole week has pretty much been awful (few tolerable moments).  My appetite returned briefly this past Sunday and showed up a little bit around monday and wednesday.. but it hasn't really been back since.  I didn't eat hardly anything last week and not much for the greater portion of this week.  In a panic today I went and bought some Ensure for keeping weight.  I know it has a lot of sugar.. and I have been worrying that it will amp up my anxiety.  I think I am worrying about new symptoms cropping up from nutrition deficiency though... but I have developed a fear of foods.. because I fear anything revving up my symptoms.

 

I feel like I am losing everything around me. I am supposed to return to work this Sunday but I don't know how I will endure with this anxiety.  So I am afraid of losing my job.  I am worried about my college too.  I had an A up until mid-april... and I haven't made it to class since.  I got accepted into Nursing school this August, but I am afraid to commit to it financially because I don't know if I will be well enough to go. The grief of my mother and gf's deaths has been greatly amplified as of late...

 

To top everything off, I have trouble convincing myself that my most recent use of klonopin was enough to kindle a cold-turkey-like withdrawal that I have been experiencing these past 2 weeks.

April 15th - 1mg

April 16th - 1mg

April 20th - 1.5mg

April 21st - .5

April 22nd - .25

April 23rd - .25

 

I had an appetite prior to the April use, but not after.  I do try to rationalize that my problems are benzo related.. by reminding myself that I was getting a lot better after the January incident sometime from mid-February into mid-March until I decided to drink.  Things got difficult after that incident.  And 1mg doses (1.5 even) are nothing to sneeze at when it comes to klonopin.. so this is why I kinda do believe that I am fighting benzo withdrawal.  I feel I did the right thing by not reinstating and tapering (possible paradoxical reactions) but if I did get addicted again.. at what dose was it? And how bad and long will this battle be?

 

-Positives-

I get almost 8 hours of sleep (most nights)

I don't have too many pain related symptoms (yet)

rarely get panic attacks (attribute this to my anxiety programs)

 

Of course my negative thinking takes those positives and says "See, this proves you aren't going through benzo withdrawal.. you have some serious illness that is causing problems".  I am at a loss right now.  Sunday confused me so much... I felt like 80% like my old self that day... and then nothing.  If I had been on benzos this entire time and just c/t'd I would kind of know what to expect and know for a fact that what I was experiencing is klon withdrawal.  I guess windows wouldn't happen much for anything else.  I am not giving up... but I am really hurting emotionally and filled with fear from the uncertainty.  Thanks everyone for you support thus far..

 

Update: Felt a lot better later on... this whole ordeal is one big rollercoaster ride.  2 weeks benzo free and proud.

[[sa...]]

Bro,

dont give up... i am 13 weeks out from C/T and everyday is a struggle right now...you have alot going for you remind yourself of that...thats what i have to do!!! you are young and can beat this beast...stay strong

 

 

Chip

[Guest [Tu...]]

Hang in there. At this point, there really isn't any place to go but into the future without benzos. I'm at Day 33 and I fight the constant urge to find "relief" by popping a few pills. It's hot down here in Arizona, which makes me feel sweaty and tired. I'd give anything for a cool, overcast day with occasional sprinkles or light rain. The bright sunlight is just overwhelming! But this is where I've been for most of my life, so I endure the heat and each time I've reached what I felt was a "breaking point" I've found that by just focusing on the here and now I was able to push through that emotional barrier and keep moving ahead.

 

Going back is an easy way out, but I've reached the point where I'm just not willing to go there. So, on into the future...where ever it may take me.

 

Jac in Tucson

 

Me on Day 33 of a CT: 

[[...]]

Hang in there,

 

I too have the same problem with school as well.  I had to withdrawal out this year the put me into a huge pile of debt, and now I have registered for school in the fall without knowing how good I will be feeling at the end of August.  I don't know how it will all work out, and am fearful I will have some catastrophic event happen with this withdrawal when it's time to go back.

 

Hope things start to improve for you so this doesn't effect all these positive things you have going on in your life.

[[ja...]]

Good Morning Crono! how are you? I was thinking about you and havent seen you in a bit. I was praying that your sxs and appitite has become better ..Im so hopeing your haveing moments of strenght and clearity and most of all Peace!!! Hold on Crono ok this does get better and you will not be like this forever this fight has a end and has a winner ...Its YOU.. your friend in this fight..

 

Miss Jenny