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HELP SOS - I'm deseperate


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Hello all - if there is anybody out there who can give me some encouragement, please do...... I am 8 months off K but still having intense waves.

They are all but destroying me..... - will not go to the hospital and have no doctor to help me.  I have my husband here with me and I keep telling him how I feel so he can help me but I am just so miserable and I just lose all hope.  I have had two or three two day windows and I am very greatful for that, but then the wave comes on with such intensity that I forget all about the windows and I forget all about feeling better/more normal and just crash and give in to my Benzo Mind which is telling me that I am a failure, no good, don't deserve a life, etc.  The depression is horrendous - but when I'm in a window - no depression. 

    Does anyone else face this?  How do you deal with it?  All I am able to do is to try my best to get through the day - sometimes I will sleep, sometimes not.  This is pure torture and I don't know how to keep going on with it......I can't keep doing this.  Please, if anybody has any suggestions, or encouragement, please write back to me.  I am at the end of the rope.....

Hoping2BFree

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I'm right there with ya.

 

Lately the feelings of failure have been constant. I seriously question my purpose in life. All I can do is cling to the tiny bit of hope that things will get better. All we can do is trust that all of the others before us who have healed aren't jerking our chains. Of course, why would they? Wouldn't make sense that they would but the benzo brain is notoriously negative and has a hard time believing in a positive outcome.

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Thank you for your response Florida Guy - I have no more hope but I am glad that you can feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel.....after 8 months of this for me, I'm just done with it all.

 

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Hi, just wanted to say hi to you, and sort of just be some company for you. I have been having a pretty rough time of things for 13 months. The physical pain is pretty severe. I have a lot of nerve pain. That seems to be more common with klonopin from what Ive seen. Every day is a fight to survive, it is really draining to struggle every day. What helps me is not letting negative feelings escalate. I have to interrupt them by walking, watching tv, anything to occupy my mind so that thoughts dont get too overwhelming. Its not much to offer you I know. Another thing I do is read archived blogs on here. That way my mind is on someone else and not on myself. I also find it comforting to know that pretty much every body has felt desperate but they got through things. I try to remind myself that life offers everybody challenges and pain-why should I be any different. I find the simple things help me. Dont give up you have come so far. Love, Colleen
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Thank you so much Colleen for writing back to me.  You are right, it is so draining to have to deal with this day in and out.  I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this for 13 months and very sorry about your experience at the detox, which I am sure must have been horrible.

  You are also right about not letting the negative thoughs get carried away - I am afraid that they just overtake me and I can't change them and then it is like a runaway train that can't be stopped.  I can't watch TV or read, so I am at mercy of what to do. 

    Thank you for writing to me - I appreciate it and hope you get some relief soon.

Love Hoping2BFree

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Thank you for your response Florida Guy - I have no more hope but I am glad that you can feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel.....after 8 months of this for me, I'm just done with it all.

 

When I say that I have hope it just means that my rational brain knows better. My benzo brain definitely isn't convinced. This whole uncertainty thing is hard to deal with. If we could just reassure our benzo brains that the suffering WILL end sooner rather than later we would be a lot better off but unfortunately the pessimism and negative thoughts won't allow this to happen.

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You are not a failure, what you are experiencing is not something you can control, this isn't about will power, it's about a nervous system and brain function that has been damaged and that only time will heal, the fact you get windows that last days is a definite sign you are healing, while it doesn't help much for a stranger to say hang in there it will be alright in the end, try and stay positive in realizing that you have absolute evidence that you are healing because you are having clarity windows, some never even get those as there periods of clarity last only hours

 

I think the biggest challenge for us all is the frustration of hoping to be healed each day, only to wake up realizing it's going to be another day of W/D, it's tortuous and deflating, but realize that you are healing and you have come to far to give up now

 

just keeping going today and then tomorrow do the same thing, try not to focus about the future and if I will ever be healed totally, stay in the present, get through today and then do it again tomorrow

 

you will succeed!!!!

 

LK

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Hi again, Thankyou, yes detox was horrible. I got thru it though, and thats why giving up is not an option. I watch way too much tv. I cant read books anymore. I look at magazines, not the ones where everyone looks beautiful and happy. That would be like torture. I tend to watch shows on tv that are only an hour long. Comedy Tv is pretty easy to watch. I usually think I wont be able to watch a movie, but I almost always can. I was reading over the summer, almost a book a day, but I havent been able to read since then. I think a lot of it is choosing a book that reaaly interests you. Alot of not reading for me is that its hard, and Im sick of everything being hard, so I dont read. Being oh here has made such a huge difference for me. I didnt even find it for 9 months. I was feeling so alone. Now Im not alone in this anymore. Im here for you. Love, Colleen
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Thank you Florida Guy, Lizard King and sweet Colleen....... I hear all that you all say....and I know you are right and that it is my benzo mind that is destroying me.....I know that I just have to get through one day  at a time....but sometimes I am so frightened by all of this that my negative thoughts just run away from me and like I said to Colleen, they just escalate until I am afraid even to move. 

  thank you for taking the time to respond to me as I said, I am desperate today and need all and any encouragement I can get.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better for ALL of us. 

    Your reminding me that the windows are a big plus for me is a help - I even forget what the windows are like because the waves are so horrific.  I will try to remember that I am Healing, even if it doesn't feel like it.  We all are - thank you so much - I really appreciate it!!!!!

Love you all

Hoping2BFree

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Hello Hoping2BFree,

 

I see you are having a time of it. So am I. Hey, here are some things that I have found to be helpful. I read Benzo-Wise. Have you? She has a chapter called "Coping Tools". I have been leaning on those tools recently as my symptoms have gotten intense with my most recent cut. Here are some of the things I find most helpful at this time:

 

1) Breathing techniques. I especially find the Diaphragmatic Breathing helpful.

2)I take warm baths. I allow myself as many baths as I need. I prefer Epsom Salts in the warm bath because the magnesium in that is a natural muscle relaxant.

3) If I can I take slow walks outside. I find being outside, hearing the birds looking at the flowers most helpful.

4) I am doing Affirmations. I got the book "You Can Heal You Life" by Louise Hay. I have some of the Affirmations printed and placed near the bathtub, taped to the mirror and any other place I go regularly. Benzo-Wise has affirmations she suggests. I really am using those now too.

 

 

Baylissa Frederick goes into detail about how reducing our anxiety make the symptoms as low as they can be. I have found that to be the case. When I focus, and practice these techniques they really work.

 

I also just ordered 2 CD's she has as recommendations in the back of her book. One on sleep and one on relaxation. I just ordered them. I am looking forward to using then as part of my non-drug way to help myself.

 

I hope this is helpful,

Summer

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Hello Summermeadow - I am sorry to hear that you are having symptoms now - you were doing so good with your slow small cuts.  Yes I too am having some terrible days....I did read BenzoWise and I'll have to get it out and read her coping tools once more.  Thank you for sharing what works for you.  I have tried so many different kinds of deep breathing in these past 8 months and sometimes they seem to work and sometimes not.  I also have some CDs to listen to - but will look at what Bliss recommends.  I find that trying to listen to these CDs sometimes makes me more anxious.  But I will check out that section of the book. 

    I hope the rest of your taper goes quickly for you and that you are able to get relief.  Thank you summermeadow for stopping by, I appreciate it very much.

Hoping2BFree

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Hi Hoping:

 

I have unfortunately experienced hyperthyroidism before my benzo journey began.  Have you had your thyroid tested recently?  After experiencing hyperthyroid issues and benzo WDs, they are about the same in symptoms.  I have my TSH, free t3 and free t4 tested every three months as I am subclinical hypothyroid.  I recommend all three thyroid tests to show either hypo or hyper states of the thyroid.  Most GP docs will test your thyroid once per year, if that. 

 

Just a suggestion -- I hope you start experiencing longer and longer windows of really good days.  You have been through so much. 

Oh - one other thing.  How about your blood glucose?  Tested recently?  Do you experience worse symptoms between meals?

 

Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts,

God bless,

Rocko

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Hello Hoping,

 

I was trying to think of the best thing I could do to encourage you.  A thought I had was to go back through my own posting history to see what my symptoms were like at 8 months off.  Below is a post I made last June, when I was 7 1/2 months off and VERY discouraged.  I will let you read this first, and then I will make my comments below it.

 

 

Hello Buddies,

 

After several weeks of mostly just "lurking", I am back to post the symptoms that I am feeling tonight...to see if the buddies think there is something I am missing or doing wrong.

 

1.  This swelling all around my knee.  The doctor drew off fluid about a week ago, and I am supposed to hear some results tomorrow about what that fluid is.

    It is also now in my other knee a little bit too.

 

2.  Sciatica and some sort of problem with my piriformis muscle on my left.

 

3.  I can honestly hardly walk or bend or anything

 

4.  Pain and burning in my back, neck, shoulders, and chest.

 

When I lay down at night, I feel like my whole body is one large nerve...and one large bruise.  It KILLS me to turn over.

It seems I am going "backwards", to symptoms I had earlier...and that they are all much worse rather than better.

Do you think all of this can be happening from withdrawing from klonopin?  I feel that I am at the end of my ability to cope.

 

Thank you for any help you can offer.    ~Leena

 

This was a very good exercise for me...going back to look at where I was close to a year ago.  It is actually "painful" for me just looking at this and remembering where I was last June and July.  I know that you and I have had very different symptoms, but we have a similar history...so I hope what I have to say might be encouraging to you.  Months 7, 8, and 9 were really, really hard for me.  In fact, it felt like at times I really was going backwards.  The problem with my knee turned into a major issue.  But I can tell you that knee has gone down in circumference by about 1 1/4 inches.  I just got some blood test results back, which show that my Sed Rate and my C Reactive Protein are now in the normal range, whereas last year they were elevated showing inflammation occurring in my body.  The sciatica/piriformis issue lifted some time ago...I can't even remember now the last time it was bothering me, but at this time last year it was almost unbearable.  Though I had a bad spell last week, with my back and abdomen (that had me feeling quite crippled)  it is gone now and I think it was caused by not being careful regarding supplements, as well as doing some lifting while working on my pond.  Up until this, I had not had any "crippled" feeling spells in a long time.  And....back then the pain and burning were with me almost constantly.  This has been a really bad symptom for me, but it has become much more bearable...and it is not constant like it was back then.  And, I no longer feel like one giant raw nerve!

 

I wish, at almost 18 months out, I could tell you that I am all well...but I feel that even though I may have some bad days, they are nothing...NOTHING...like what I was experiencing last summer.  The fact that you are continuing to have windows is HUGE.  I know how hard it gets to have the good days come, only to then have the bad days come storming back.  It gets so discouraging and it tends to make us lose heart and to lose confidence that these days will ever end.  Did you notice, near the end of my post where I said, "I feel I am at the end of my ability to cope!"

 

You ARE making progress...YOU ARE!  I can't remember who it was that posted in the shout box last night, words from The Ashton Manual, something to this effect:

In benzo withdrawal, your symptoms don't mean you are getting sick.  It means your body is healing.  Those words were a good reminder for me to keep on fighting.

 

You are a fighter!  We have seen you pull out of these terrible slumps and push on.  You can do this!  We will be here to cheer you on!

 

Love and prayers,

Leena :smitten:

 

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Thank you Rocko and Leena - Rocko - yes I have had thyroid tests done several times - the last one in January....I have a scrip to get more blood work done and will do that this month.  I need to get back on my Vit D as that helps with depression, but am afraid to take any supplements at this time as I don't want to make anything worse with my sx.  But thank you so much for caring and for your suggestions.

    Leena - thank you for always being there with encouragement.  I was glad to read your old post from your 8months off - it did help me to understand that I still have hope.  Yes our symptoms have been very different but our history has been very similar and one of my biggest doubts is whether I can do this after having been on the K for 17 years.  I am so very happy to hear that you are better, even though you are not totally healed.  I am happy for ANY improvement that you feel.  Glad that the burning has subsided a bit as I know that was one of you worst symptoms.  Are you sleeping any better?  I will just keep going on through this Leena - I know I have lots of company through this torture - even though many times I feel I am so alone.  Keep healing and again thank you again for your helpful encouragement. .... and you are right, I have gotten through other very low times where I felt I couldn't cope and here I still am....still trying to cope.  Love you Leena....Ruth

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