Six months and suffering

[Guest [CM...]]

Yesterday marked my 6th month out from cold turk of Klon and remeron at detox.

 

I had my first windows in the last 3 weeks, but Im now getting worse. I didn't think it was possible really.

 

6 months was my beacon, my hope, my target and goal. I made it and not much has changed overall.

Yes I've had a few windows and I'm not downplaying those. I am grateful. It's so hard to be thankful for the ability to enter a market or drive a few blocks or ride a bike for the first time. I hate this!!!

 

BUT at 6 months Im not able to work, socialize, be normal. Im a prisoner in my body and mind 24\7.

I live in fear. always.

 

Fear, terror and the sleep deprivation is just making me nuts!

When i sleep i push, but big deal i can spend an hour out the house in sheer agony. yeah me.

 

This is no life, I am desperate for this suffering to end.

 

I cant take any meds for sleep, im drug sensitive, nothing has helped me sleep.

Time ok time, but how much time

 

Any others at 6 months off still begging for sleep. Im so traumatized from this nightmare I feel I'll just never be well.

2 days of non stop crying and pleading and praying. This is inhumane, if I was a horse I'd have been shot by now to end the suffering.

 

i cant pretend anymore.

please dont suggest i seek medical advice or anything like that. i will not go to any hospital

Ive been ABUSED by the medical community and nothing they can do can help me.

Im broken and nothing can fix me but time.

Problem is that time is just not fast enough.

 

Sorry BB, i have to vent, Im scared, lonely, sick and feeling HOPELESS!

 

[[ca...]]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. It breaks my heart to hear how hard of a time you are having. I am glad to hear you have been getting windows. I know when we are in our worst waves it is so hard to see the light, but you are healing, so try and hang in there. I know everyone is tired of hearing it, but time is the true healer, and you will heal. Healing is within 6-18 months on average so you are still within that time frame. If things get too difficult, please seek help from a family member, friend, Dr, hospital etc, we just want you to stay safe. We are here for you, hang in there hun, there is hope even though it feels hopeless. Many have gone on to heal 100% and live full lives and we will too.

[Guest [Ma...]]

Chris,

 

Don't apologize for needing to vent.  Your frustration is understandable and anyone of us would (and do) feel the same.  Know that your windows will come back and from what I've heard, they will be longer and more frequent as time goes on.  I would encourage you to let go of the idea that all will be better in a certain time frame and remember how far you have come.  "You've come a long way, baby!"

 

I wish I could take the pain from you but I can't.  What I can do is offer an ear to listen and a virtual shoulder to cry on.  I'm with you in spirit and I'm rooting for your quick recovery.  I'm in your corner!

 

Congratulations on reaching 6 months.  That's an accomplishment in and of itself. 

 

I hope you have good night and a better day,

M

 

All great achievements require time.

-Maya Angelou

 

[[Nu...]]

Sorry to hear about your suffering. I know how it is....

 

I go stir crazy doing "nothing", but I too am a prisoner of my body (and sometimes mind - less at 18mo.)

 

I too have been abused by the medical community - and have no recourse there as I see it.

 

Today was not so good, but I finally felt better. Decided to scrub the kitchen floor, which I have put off for ages. I am always afraid of physical activity coming back to bite me. I finished about two hours ago, I am still shaking from it. A bit of weakness, but more of Uh oh, I overstimulated myself. It is like a bigger tremor than usual.

 

I don't know what else to do except go on everyday.

 

Every morning I wake up feeling god awful and have a "talk" with myself - actually talking myself down from the "I give up" I can't take it any more" ..

 

I am drug sensitive too. The last aspirin, tylenol I took was 18 momths ago, as I had weird physical sensations produced by it like brain zaps and other things. I have had the worst headaches of my life for months on end ( not on-goning at the moment) that I could not take anything for. I blame the medical community for messing with my body so much that I don't have the same means others have to take an apsirin or maybe a benadryl for slepp...or vitamins...just to mention it. It is inhuman, I must say!

 

I definitely have periods where I feel ...just more...like "me". I know I am better out of the drug haze...but the pain and physical distress is sometimes so overwhelming, and after all this time, when it strikes, I don't think I can continue. The mental s/x are definitely better than 24/7 fear and feeling crazy. Now just strikes and peaks on fewer occasions. And overall the fear is less...but still WAY above before drugs, or actually, I dont' think  I ever really experienced it before drugs.

 

Sleep is better, but still not good. Can't get to sleep till 1AM, sometimes not. ALWAYS awake by 4:30 with the AM cortisol, and in and out of sleep for hours, with overstimulated feeling and tremor. Weird nightmares, etc, etc.  I KNOW I am tired. BUT, it is better than at the start of the w/d. Right?

 

I do not mean to imply you will be out 18 months and like me. Merely, that I understand, since for me I have been enduring the same, but longer. AND, because of what happened to me by the medical community, I really have nowhere to turn to get relief. What choice do we have?

 

Everyday, I nearly cry or cry in the AM, as I feel I can't endure another day. I am getting worn down. I know how it feels. But, you have the endurance.

 

Thank god things usually settle down at night and I can prepare to get through another day. I don't know at 6 months if I had as much relief in the eve or not. But, it will come and you will get longer stretches of if not windows than more calm and relief. 

 

I think the drugs, the virtual c/t, the PTSD from the w/d, and other drug-related w/ds I wnet through unknowingly over the years did me in - I am sure your situation was not as medically distasterous as mine...so, you may just perk up before you know it.  ......best wishes,

Nuala

[Guest [CM...]]

Thank you Martha and Nuala!

 

Another day, I'm alive, not sure how I feel about it, but I'm here.

Same same.

I appreciate your kind words and support. I've come to terms with the "time" thing I think.

I'm not well but I'm better, it's hard to see that in the midst of the pain, fatigue and terror most days.

Not downplaying my windows but they definitely aren't long enough and as frequent as I'd like.

I'm tired of feeling like a freak.

Praying for an end to this misery.

I've just not been able to find the meaning in this suffering!

Ho hum  Thank you again

much love

Melo

[[we...]]

Melo,  Ashton says that sleep returns in months 6- 12, one window at a time.   Take care.

[[JJ...]]

 

 

BUT at 6 months Im not able to work, socialize, be normal. Im a prisoner in my body and mind 24\7.

I live in fear. always.

 

 

hi Melo,

I read your post and I could SO relate to what you wrote. I'm 6 1/2 months out from my last dose of valium and...still not able to work.  Some days I can imagine waiting tables or something but most days, noooo way.  It is beyond frustrating, as my parents are supporting me right now and I just want to get my LIFE back. Get mySELF back.  And I want to know WHEN? I could really relate to the constant fear you feel...even when I feel good, and have energy, I have the conscious thought of 'oh, no...this is not going to end well'  It is such a shaky existence. You mentioned 'riding a bike for the first time'...even though you have ridden a bike before, i'm sure, it really is like doing certain things for the very first time, isn't it? it's so unbelievable how destroyed and weak I feel on some days.  I don't have a bike but my mom does and I'm afraid to take it to the park. I feel like..what if it's too much??  I used to LOVE riding my road bike, granted it's been many years, but that was one of my favorite things to do in the whole world. now, when i think about 'what i used to like to do' or 'who AM I?' it's like i'm thinking about or describing another person, not myself. I guess I'm just trying to express how out of touch I am with my SELF.  I think the intense, horrific suffering I've had to endure has led to a fragmented sense of self or something.  Nothing seems real on some days, but it's different from the DP/DR I had earlier in this process.

anyway, yeah...time. that's all we've got, right?  thanks again for posting what you did,

J

[[...]]

i have lost it melo,dont now what to say other than keep going pal,i dont fear death as a can taste it. Morgan Freeman in the shawshank redemption stated its a terrible thing to live in fear,also hope is a dangerous thing. Hope is only a danger if its false hope and you still have hope melo,I dont so for me keep going and at least you rode the bike,and went to market. A know its utter shite and soul destroying,you still have your mind pal. I never thought it was possible to exist in this pain and cold,days are like months. Don't know what else to say but there ain't no meaning to this suffering.

 

love star

took me a (  ) hour to type that but your worth it,pray for me pal am scared

 

Edit:  Removed offensive profanity.

[Guest [CM...]]

Oh Star, you know I adore you. Something about you, you just remind me of one of my best mates from Scotland. I told you about Mikey who lives in Sheffield now. Any how, I know you and I would just get on like a house on fire in person. For now, we have our chats and posts and our pleas for Mercy to the almighty.

Shawshank is one of my favorite movies. I even went to Zihuatanejo after that film.

Ugh, so tired of being sick and tired Star.

Hang in there.

I'll write more in a bit, my eyes are all google-y and weird.

Ugh

Love Melo

 

[[Ho...]]

Hang on Christine - I'm right there with you - a couple months ahead of you - 8 months bz free on Saturday.  I have had some windows but boy when they close, it is evil.  I totally understand everything you said......it is very cruel and many days I think how can I go on.....I no longer look to any month for a cure.  When i was six months, I got worse, just like you......but at 7 months, I started having more windows.  But they weren't and aren't getting longer and the waves are just as intense......I am so disgusted and discouraged but I still have hope.  HOPE - HOPE -

HOPE - that's our only salvation - it's so hard.....and like you, I'm worn out. Love and courage and patience from Hoping2BFree

[[...]]

Melo,

 

I am very sorry to hear of the pain you are enduring.  Lately my anxiety and depression have been so severe I to don't even know how I get through the day as well.

 

Your bravery gives inspreration to keep the fighting.

 

I hope you get well soon, you are in my prayers.

[Guest [CM...]]

Thank you buddies for the love and support, I'm feeling rather desparate again today.

I'm very I'll, 4th night with very little sleep.

Last night 2 hrs. I just don't get it buddies.

How can I go on without the sleep. Dry heaving this morning from the sheer anxiety from lack of sleep.

Just puking saliva from the pits of my stomach.

This is inhumane. 6 months should not be like this.

I'm terrified.

I'm so sick of this and I dont know what to do to fix it.

Time......

I feel I'll be gone before my time

before my healing

is there no mercy

I've tried the natural sleep aides, I'm extremely drug sensitive so I can't try anything else.

Praying, meditation, yoga, nothing is helping !!!!!!!

Neurofeedback was helping but I did it yesterday and was up ALL night!!!!!

I've never felt so scared and hopeless in all my life.

G8d help me

love

Melo

[[li...]]

Melo, I wish there was something I could do or say to you to help you.  But you said it.  Time.  It gets to be a nasty little word doesn't it.  I hate it to.  I ct and I know what misery it is.  Your in my prayers Melo.  It breaks my heart to see you and others suffering so bad.  Linder xo

[Guest [la...]]

Chris, my friend,

 

You are doing the BEST you can w/ the circumstances you have to work with and those circumstances are CRAP. I know that you want to live a long, happy, healthy life...and I truly believe in my heart that you are ON YOUR WAY to getting there. You are at SIX MONTHS...you've fought from the depths of your soul for SIX LONG, AGONIZING months. You have seen SOME improvement- I know this seems like nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it's SOMETHING. You are ON YOUR WAY to getting YOU back. I KNOW it will come. You just HAVE TO, HAVE TO keep fighting for that kind, caring, generous, beautiful, loving woman that is underneath all of this drug-induced Hell. She is THERE, she's waiting and she WILL come back.

 

I know the lack of sleep is killing you. I wish there was something that I could say or do to make that easier on you. I know how drug sensitive you are...so you don't have many options. Of MANY people I have met on here, you are a FIGHTER. You have a positive outlook when so many of us are ready to quit...YOU keep going. Keep doing that and the days and nights will pass and you will find yourself sleeping again and slowly becoming the Chris that you remember being before this nightmare started.

 

You give me strength, you make me smile. We CAN do this. We WILL. Please tie a knot at the end of the very thin rope that you're hanging on by and just hold on to it w/ all of your might. I am here always, supporting you 100%. We will see brighter days, Chris. Keep believing that.

 

I love you. ((HUGS))

-Nic

[[Cr...]]

Hey CMG, I can feel how hard things are for you right now.  Lack of sleep always makes the next day worse... then we worry about the lack of sleep and end up getting more anxiety and depression.  It seems my nausea was worse in the mornings (dry heaving) when I didn't get good sleep.  To not have good sleep days on end can feel maddening.  When people say time will heal.. it can be hard to accept that because we think (umm does that mean I will be better in 2 weeks or 18 months?)  Your turning point could be right around the corner.  Months 3-6 are notorious months for benzo withdrawal from what I have seen.  Perhaps these intense symptoms are from your brain working overtime to get you back in order... and you will be experience a night/day change in your symptoms sometime soon. 

 

I truly hope that you find some relief and get some windows soon.  I don't doubt that your sleep problems are benzo w/d related, but part of it could be sleep anxiety. You anticipate not sleeping well and that frustration in turn helps to keep you awake.  That is a possibility.  Lots of threads about sleep hygiene... some of the stuff works for me one night but doesn't seem to help the next night.  Deep breathing exercises (inhale 3 seconds, exhale 6 seconds) while laying in bed have helped.  Have you tried chamomile tea? Warm milk? Or chamomile tea in warm milk?  Warm shower/bath before bed?  A combination of all of them? Sometimes we attach negative associations with our bed/bedroom.  After so many nights of lost sleep we view our rooms with dread.  You can try sleeping on the couch for a change of pace.  Don't lay there expecting to fall asleep, lay there reading or watching something on tv until you feel tired.

 

Again there is no silver bullet that will guarantee a decent nights sleep.  I just wanted to offer some suggestions.  I hope down the road you will be helping other members get through their rough periods.  Hang in there 

[[cd...]]

Hi Melo, I'm right there with you. I've been off of klonopin for five months and I have skin problems, when I fall asleep at night I wake up 5-10 times, I could drive but now can't, I haven't been out of my house in almost a month and I haven't had a single window since this began. I'm leaving home for the first time in a month today because I'm going to see an internist. I'm curious what your dosage of k was? I'm sorry if I overlooked that information in one of your posts.

 

I'm hoping, begging and praying that I get some relief soon. But I've never believed this horrible feeling is forever and I absolutely refuse to think that. I hope to God that by your month seven and my month six we are both doing well.