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4 months benzo free- my progress


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So here I am, 4 months off of clonazepam.

 

Month 2 was probably the worst. Severe depression, agoraphobia, anxiety, etc, etc, etc.

 

Toward the end of month 2 and the beginning of month 3, things seemed to be improving. I started getting windows and the worst of the anxiety and depression had subsided.

 

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster. I might wake up feeling like a million bucks, then two hours later everything seems to fall apart. I still can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything. My business is suffering as a result. My social life is practically non-existent. I do get to see my family every couple of weeks, which is good.

 

Lately I have found my brain wandering back into the whole "Is this who I am going to be for the rest of my life?" line of thinking. Of course I logically know that this is NOT me, but most of us here know that our rational brain can do little to console our benzo brain during healing.

 

Over the past week or two my side effects have changed. Less depression and anxiety, but now I have been getting more physical symptoms such as strange muscle twitches, headaches, shooting pain in my hand, and a dull ache in my lower back.

 

Although I wouldn't trade how I am feeling today for the severe anxiety and depression that I was experiencing several weeks ago, this "I don't feel right" stage is no picnic. The big problem is that I now have the mental capacity to actually step back and think about what I am going through which stirs up a whole mess of emotions.

 

I know I am still early in the game but this nightmare seems like it has been going on forever.

 

If I had to explain what I am going through to someone who had no idea what benzo WD was all about, I would tell them that the best way to describe it would be that it like having a hangover that won't go away. If you go out and drink a bunch of alcohol you might feel like hell the next day. If you don't feel good you sit on the couch and watch tv, drink some gatorade and nurse your pounding head and achy body. You go to bed early and get a good night's sleep and the next day you feel good again.

 

With benzo WD there is no chilling out on the couch for a day, getting some sleep, and feeling better the next day. When will I feel better? Who knows. Could be next week, could be next year. And that's the hardest part at this point- dealing with the fact that you don't know how long you are going to suffer. With a hangover you suffer for a day. With benzo WD you suffer for months or years.

 

I know I'm preaching to the choir here. I just haven't been posting much lately and wanted to vent.

 

Hope everyone is having a good day.

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I am in my 4th month and getting hit with the physical side of it.  My first 2 months were not fun at all. For me right now the depression is a little better and the anxiety seems better.  The hot flashes and burning is around and I had the low muscle pain which just went as fast as it came.  But it did last for most of the 2 months.  My side effects change every single day.  Congradulations on the 4 month mark. :yippee:  Linder
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[65...]

Hey, FloridaGuy, congratulations on your four months! I'm coming up on one month and I'm still bouncing around the room. It's different than at first, not easier, just different.

 

Just curious, did you ever hear back from the girl last weekend? Were you guys able to find a way to meet and see if there is "chemistry" there? I know you were frustrated and stressed the one night you waited until she called at 1 in the morning, and I was just wondering if you ever were able to set something up with her. Having something good in your life would probably help a lot right now, though it sounds as if you're doing good and have great insight. I'd give anything to be as far along as you!

 

Hang in there. You seem to be doing great, from my perspective!

 

Best wishes,

 

TDH

 

This is STILL me on Day 29:  :o

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Just curious, did you ever hear back from the girl last weekend? Were you guys able to find a way to meet and see if there is "chemistry" there? I know you were frustrated and stressed the one night you waited until she called at 1 in the morning, and I was just wondering if you ever were able to set something up with her. Having something good in your life would probably help a lot right now, though it sounds as if you're doing good and have great insight. I'd give anything to be as far along as you!

 

She never called. Can't say I was too disappointed since I was definitely NOT looking forward to putting myself in that situation.

 

I agree, having something good in my life would help. On the other hand, I'm sure it would bring its own set of challenges and I'm not sure if I need any more challenges right now.

 

Hang in there man. We are both still early in the game. I know hours seem like days and days seem like months, but time is ticking by for both of us. When this is all said and done it will have only been a blip on the radar.

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Hang in there FG.  You have come a long way.  I also wonder sometimes if this is the way I'm going to be.  We have to keep the faith that this will be a distant memory after it's over.  The benzo brain can certainly makes us think the worst in our situations.  It's very difficult to stay positive during this ordeal.  Just remember, you are not alone.  We will get better. ;)
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[65...]

FloridaGuy, I have to admit that making it through from day to day is really a challenge. It would be so easy to end this pain by just going back on Valium. I'm now into another month and still I just feel so out of it. You're at four months. Man, if I still feel like this at four months, then I don't know what to do! I just try and force myself to get through each day, but this isolation is really getting to me. The only person I really talk to is my wife. I don't go anywhere, other than on my morning walk (in a daze) or the grocery store. I am just existing. I am not "living." I feel like a zombie and can only hope that this ends, or begins to ease. TGIF! My wife will be home for two days and I won't be alone with my thoughts and cable TV...

 

Here's me on Day 31:  :-[  (Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Usually I am more upbeat, but the past few days have just royally sucked.)

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The only person I really talk to is my wife. I don't go anywhere, other than on my morning walk (in a daze) or the grocery store. I am just existing. I am not "living." I feel like a zombie and can only hope that this ends, or begins to ease.

 

I feel ya. This isn't living, it is existing. Surviving. My baseline mood is apathetic. From there it is usually DOWN. Nothing feels good. There is no pleasure in anything. I don't really laugh or joke anymore. Zombie like indeed.

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You have my sympathies Florida Guy. This goes on way too long, and the process takes no prisoners. I've read that 2 years is the average healing time...although symptoms may not always be as severe as they are today. This too shall pass for you!
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I'm right there with you guys.

 

3 months off and this is just not letting up.  I wish I could sleep. 

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