Is it me?

[[Bi...]]

Hi everybody - it's day 17 and I am having a difficult morning.  A I get further past my last pill a question keeps coming into my mind - is it the drug or just the way I am?  After four years of not feeling well I don't know what lies beneath anymore.  Help with these intrusive thoughts is appreciated.  Billwill

[[Pa...]]

It will be awhile before you'll know what's you and what is the drug.  I hope you'll try not to panic and just let your body heal, as you know it takes way too long for this to happen. 

[[Bi...]]

Hi Pamster - I know it will take some time but how does one determine that enough time has passed and start to pursue other possible explanations?  Feeling worse now than a week ago is certainly confusing.  BW

[[li...]]

I know when we finally get off the poison we think that we are to automatically be healed.  It doesn't work that way.    I have learned that when off the real healing begins.  I am at 3 months off and still have alot withdrawal.  My first 2 1/2 were not fun.  I couldn't believe it.  alot of ppl say they start to see progress at 6 months off.  It takes awhile.  Please try to except this, I had to.  I think it will make things easier. Stay strong and positive.  Linder

[Guest [Tu...]]

You're relatively new at being benzo free, so I agree with those above who urge to you just accept what's going on with you and push ahead. There must be something about that 16-17 day experience. I made it 16 days, then relapsed for 3-1/2 days before snapping out of it and resuming my CT. I'm now at Day 28 (the day after the 3-1/2 day relapse I just picked up where I left off) since April 2. Every once in a while I will get a slight feeling of the person I was before benzos came into my life 13-1/2 years ago. I know I used to live benzo-free and I want so bad to be that way now -- NOW! -- and it's so frustrating to just have to keep pushing ahead. But really, what other choice to I have? I can't go back on benzos and slowly taper. I just don't have it in me. I've been there and done that several times. So all I can is grit my teeth and push forward through the haze.

 

Hang in there. You sound a lot better than I am doing, so please don't give in to temptation. I still beat myself up over the times when I was 17 days clean and then a few years later 23 days clean, and both times I just gave up. I've had a couple of slips during the past 28 days, but that doesn't mean that I've stopped moving forward. I guess this process can best be described as having periods where it's one step forward and two steps backward. The key is to not keep going backward but to step forward once again...and again...and again...

 

I wish you peace.

 

Jac in Tucson

 

This is me on Day 28: 

[[Fl...]]

I'm right at 4 months off and I have the very same thoughts.

 

I know that I am NOT the person I am going to be, but I still stress over having that big question hanging above my head. This is not easy. These drugs amplify negatives and uncertainties.

 

 

[[Be...]]

You are still very early into your recovery so I would say that what you are dealing with is the drug withdrawals.  It takes a long time to heal from all that we have been through.  I didn't really start to turn a corner until I around 6 to 7 months benzo free.  And even though I can really see the healing that has happened for me, I still have a little way to go yet even at ten months off.  It can take 18 months, or even longer, to truly heal 100%, but in the meantime try not to let the drug withdrawals convince you that the problem is with you because it's not; it's the drug talking, so tell it to pipe down 

[[Bi...]]

Thanks to everyone for the replies - I know that I was not like this before benzos and deep down I know I will feel different down the road.  It all started with a single 0.5mg Ativan for sleep!  Best to all, Billwill