Do others have these kind of days?

[[Ho...]]

Dear Friends,

 

I woke up with depression in my head and body and suffered with it for a couple of hours and then it turned to vile violence and hatred and feeling as if I were like those who commit crimes and I tried to talk it through to my  husband while the  nerve pain and flu like pain and dizzinness made me so sick also.  I feel like I will take out the rage on my husband who has been trying to get me through this withdrawal.  He asks me questions and I want to lash out and feel like I will strike him or slam his computer.  I tell him so that it helps me not to do it, I think.  I tell him how I am feeling and thinking and that I am sorry that I am this way.  I try to do this to keep me from acting out but it is getting harder and harder as I feel so weakened from going so long like this with all of these intensely inhuman feelings.

 

I tried to make a go of it after waking up this way and the swings starting and could only half way shower.  I mourned over it being Easter day and I longed for the days when I would put on my pink suit and go to church.  I didn't want to know what everyone else in the extended family was doing for Easter because I felt hatred and grief that they could enjoy it all.  I can't look out the windows because I may see people and their Easter activities.  I am grieving and I am hating and it all feels so awful and I can't eat.

 

I tried to make a go of it and put on a pink top for Easter and I was hoping that I might feel better but I have had swings between the depression and raging violent feelings several times and I just grieve that I am in this condition.  I wanted to ask if others have these changing swings non-stop through out the day and if others are so debilitated by them while trying to do little things like unload the dryer and then just go sit and cry that the explosiveness or fatigue or pain is just there making me crazy. If the phone rings I will spike with knock to my knees anxiety and I just don't know how I can keep going.  Are others experiencing these kinds of cycling swings throughout the day with pressured eyes that stare and a mind that is blank unless it obssesses morbidly or gets hit with mourning over all that is lost in the past or past guilt day after day?  

 

I am so lonely but can't see or listen to people at all.  My  husband keeps trying to get me out and yesterday we went for a drive and everything, I mean everything made me upset--the billboards, street signs, cars, people, buildings, homes, just everything made me think of how left out I am of life.  I am so left out and can't feel anything good at all.  

 

Again, I wanted to ask if not being able to feel any good emotions, staring vacant in my eyes and mind, not connected to the world in any way at all, and the mood swings changing dramatically throughout the day is typical for others.  I am paralyzed.  Is anyone else like this?  I have been this way for months and stuck in it.  

 

Please let me know if others are going through many weeks of this kind of existence.  It is crazy like this every day for hours and hours.  Thanks for listening again my friends as I wrote a long post a few days ago and you all wrote to encourage me to keep going and you all care and say such kind things to me. I should try to write back to each of you personally and share and thank you and forgive me for not doing so at this time.  Hope4us

 

[[da...]]

Hi Hope...I wish I could tell you I didn't know what you are feeling but I do.  For the first time EVER I did not join my family for Easter.  I did not even get dressed today.  I woke up with vertigo, adrenaline rushes, weak legs...tinnitus...I have a taste in my mouth that is sour, metallic, and makes me gag.  The roof of my mouth feels scalded.  I watched a lady in my neighborhood walking her dog in the rain...she is 86 years old.  I love the woman but resent what she is able to do...I know that is 'sick'.  I tried to watch a movie where people were running on the beach...had to turn it off.  If I hadn't been so active and social before all of this, the reclusiveness probably wouldn't bother me so much.  My husband has the flu and has take two showers today...I resented that too.  I  stood in front of the bathtub a half dozen times this afternoon staring at it...I can't stand the sensation of the water against my skin.  I feel like a pig.  So...yes I understand it all too well.  I read on here where others have c/o'd to valium and have an easier time.  My drug was valium and I am not catching a break...it's a nightmare.  BUT...we have both been promised that this will pass and I have to believe that.  We are stronger than we think.

 

I am thinking of you...

Donna

[[Ho...]]

Dear Donna,

 

My heart is with you today as we both did not spend Easter with our families.  Ouch.  I too cannot watch the TV because of all the active people out there enjoying weather, nature, etc and all the laughter, the pretty people so easily groomed, people eating, people creating, etc.  I just feel so left out.  I can't stand the news women all dressed up and groomed and so smart and educated and getting along in their careers and life just goes on so easily on television.  Of course I can't handle all the negative on television either.  I haven't been able to watch TV shortly after being given the dope, during the dope, tapering the dope, being free of the dope and still can't watch TV for all reasons.  I used to feel such a part of everyone's lives on TV enjoying it all.  I can't connect at all now.  But anyway, like you said, we have been promised this will all come back.

 

Yeah, I was like you too being social and active. 

 

Yes, I too understand your sensitivity to water.  I will get in the tub thinking that I will take a good bath but then in just a few minutes I get out and I don't even soap myself.  I just get out.  I used to soak in the tub with lots of scrubs and scented soaps and then use lotion.  I just get upset thinking about it and so sometimes writing this makes me hurt.  I want to write and then I don't.  I'm sure we all go through this.

 

Yes, what you shared about resenting is exactly me right now.  This does help me to know that this is common among us who are breaking free and we are breaking free.  This morning I looked out the window and I saw a neighboring running in the rain from her car into her house and she was dressed entirely in pink with a pink umbrella.  I felt no humor, joy or connection with  her but only resentment and hatred that she could enjoy all that she was doing and have all that energy to do it all.  I had wished I hadn't looked out the window because my gut reaction to her was the same old withdrawal suffering and I just want so badly to respond how I used to and that would be that I would look out the window and see her and say to myself, "Oh she looks so cute and isn't she creative and I'm just gonna call her and tell her that she blessed me and tell her that she is pretty in pink!"  But instead I just felt so left out and hateful.  It's  just awful.

 

Thanks for writing and my husband has read over and over to me all the posts of those who share and promise that this will all pass.  Love, Hope 4 us

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Again, I wanted to ask if not being able to feel any good emotions, staring vacant in my eyes and mind, not connected to the world in any way at all, and the mood swings changing dramatically throughout the day is typical for others.  I am paralyzed.  Is anyone else like this?  I have been this way for months and stuck in it.

 

I can totally relate. Throughout most of my WD I was incapable of feeling anything good. Apathy was the most positive emotion my mind would register. The derealization makes you feel like you are disconnected from everything. It seems to be the mind's way of avoiding the worst of the stress.

 

I'm going on 4 months off and today was the best day I have had for many, many months. Lot of ups and downs in the past few weeks and I am sure that the bad days aren't 100% behind me but days like this allow me to see that it does indeed get better.

 

Hang in there.

[[JJ...]]

hi hope4us,

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your suffering and try to just hang on, and take each day as it comes.  That is all you have to do right now, you don't have to get dressed, or celebrate the holidays, or pretend for anyone.  You just have to get through each day as you're healing, that's all.  you're doing a great job

J.

[[ar...]]

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.  I had days like that when I was still tapering.  I would be just sitting and watching TV and just get angry for no reason.  I had a hard time watching TV or movies.  I don't get angry like that anymore but I still have a hard time concentrating on watching movies or TV.  Hang in there.  I also have a hard time being around people for very long.  I make myself go to work but other than that, I just stay to myself right now.  It's very difficult and lonely but having conversations with people is too demanding.  We just have to keep hoping and believing we will get back to our old selves and start living again. 

[[...]]

if it's any consolation, i'm sure all my neighbors in my condominium complex probably hate me after this past year in benzo wd.  i had to take my dog out twice a day and would run into them...they would make small talk and i would just glare.  i think they are afraid of me now!   

 

it got to the point, because i HAD to take my dog out, that i would crawl out of bed after no shower for a couple days, or brushing my teeth or even combing my hair...and i would just take her down in my unmatched socks and pjs.  i was so apathetic then i did not even care in the least bit what my neighbors thought.  benzo wd is like being in some kind of weird mind trap/time warp/brain fog zone where we watch the world go on around us in fast speed while we are slugging behind envious of the world that gets to live ignorant of benzo wd.

 

and there were times i would lash out too...it didn't happen often because after the first 2 months when i was able to go back to my own condo...it was just me...so i had no one to lash out at...but i would get this intense urge to throw things at the wall. 

 

now i am having about 5 good days (where i feel totally normal) and 3 "bad" days (where i can tell something is just off or i'm moody, or i have the stomach issues/muscle twitches, etc....but after the way i felt the first 10 months, these "bad" days are nothing.)

 

i want to stick around here to see you heal....because i can tell there is an amazing, kind, caring, intelligent and creative woman just waiting to come back after her brain is balanced again.  these are all symptoms of your brain chemistry out of whack.  you will come back.

 

 

[[Ho...]]

Dear Friends,

 

I thank you for your support, for sharing so that we can all know that these symptoms are common and will cease, and thank you for saying such kind things to me.  I weep because when I am writing I am not caring about anybody but myself and then you all will write back and care for me and say kind things to me.  I feel ashamed because I used to think of myself as an encourager and I would be careful about what I would say to others but on this forum I don't even try to be careful about what I say. 

 

I didn't want to sit down and post today because I want to be having any kind of desire for life but I don't.  I want to have a desire to window shop or just anything else but sitting here typing out my misery.  But here I am again.

 

I am having a very difficult time hanging on to any sense of a right mind and I am scared.  I just need to check this out with you all again to see if this is withdrawal again.  I do accept that I am in withdrawal as my symptoms are common among us but at the same time I know my mind is not right and seems like it is worsening and so I am scared and the symptoms are not diminishing as of yet.  I have been suffering extremely again today and afraid of this continuing on and on.

 

I woke up and tried not to allow the drifting off and coming awake with all kinds of strong thoughts that are all over the place but it all started again and seems like deliriousness.  So many people flew through my head and I grieved over all of them as if I should have kept up with them all these years.  I grieved over high school people that I haven't seen since we were young and grieved that some have probably died and others are sick and old and that I am debilitated and can't even face them ever and those who were in my recent life like my neices and nephews, I have not seen for many months and I am afraid to face any of them and I mourn over the loss of them and yet I don't want any contact with them and I am afraid to see my own grown kids and they need me and I fret all day about them and won't text them because I am afraid to hear what they are up too. 

 

My dad died several years ago at age 72.  I grieve and call out to him telling him that I really didn't understand his suffering.  I told my husband this morning that I wanted my dad to come in the room and that I knew he would be around age 60 and that I needed him and that it wasn't right that he died.  I just cried and cried for my dad.  I told my husband that I knew that this was impossible but I wanted to get in the car and drive to my husband's grandmother's home.  She passed away several years ago too.  I wanted to drive 3 hours to her home and go inside and call out to my dad there and tell him that I loved him.  I know that saying all of this is not right in my mind.  I know it is not right and this scares me.  I want to call my husband's parents and tell them that I need my dad.  I want to tell them that I am not right in my mind.  I can't do this because they do not understand at all.  I want to hug them but I don't want to be around them and hear their questions or small talk.  They were a huge part of my life and I can't face them.  They are church going farm people and life is simply lived and not complicated.  You just pickk yourself up by your boot traps and get on with life.  I wish I could be like them.

 

I am having a hard time being right in my mind and I needed to ask you all if this is too bizarre.  It is hard for me to believe that this type of thinking can lift and that I will just want to do something normal like take a drive to see the kids or go shopping. 

 

The fear comes and it makes me so sick.  It is burning in my face now and body.  I am so sick.

 

I talk about a girl I knew in high school and tell my husband everything about her and how her life didn't work out and I sob and sob and think about so many all the sad and horrible things that happened to so many. 

 

I haven't seen my family of origin for several years and only talk by letter and telephone at times and there are reasons for this but I feel sad and guilty about it all and there is much troubles and sorrows where I grew up and I feel horrible about it all.  I can't get my mind out of the passed and nothing around me feels real.  I can't feel my husband and our life for the last 25 years.  It is as if it never happened and I am stuck way back in the past.  I am scared.

 

Last night in bed I felt fear and anxiety that I would wake up again and not feel the birds outside our bedroom window again.  I woke up and couldn't even connect to them and just laid there and would not pick up my camera again.  This has gone on for months and months. 

 

I asked God to let me heal with the fall rains and they came and went and I didn't heal.  I asked God to let me bloom with the Jane Magnolia tree last spring but I didn't heal and so I asked for this spring and I didn't heal.  I asked God to let me bloom with our roses but they have bloomed and I am not healed.  I picked our first bouquet and could not feel the joy of it again. 

 

I asked God to let me heal with the spring rains and it rained all Easter day and I suffered all day.  I know I will not pray these kinds of prayers anymore because all they do is set me up for disappointment.  I do know that I must suffer through this like so many have.  It is just the way it is.

 

But I needed to write about  my mind today because I am questioning if I am ever going to have a right mind again.  I am not able to function with my mind being in this state.  Everything is bothering me and I am paralyzed by it all. I can't close my eyes to get relief from it all and I can't open my eyes to look around. 

 

If you all could read this and let me know if I must continue to believe that my mind is in withdrawal because this just goes on and on.  I know I keep asking for reassurance.  I will try to give this a break after this post so not to keep going on and on about my symptoms.  I think about calling everyone in our family and pouring this all out to them but I just can't do that because you all know why.  They cannot understand and really cannot help me and it will just be a mess to call them.  You are the only people I can pour this all out to and you all keep telling me that I am going to get better and write a success story and I just need to know what you think about my thinking today.  Thank you again and I know that I am really writing too much and going on to much.  Hope4us

 

 

[[Ka...]]

hi hope4us,

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your suffering and try to just hang on, and take each day as it comes.  That is all you have to do right now, you don't have to get dressed, or celebrate the holidays, or pretend for anyone.  You just have to get through each day as you're healing, that's all.  you're doing a great job

J.

 

 

JJKale hit it right on the head with me.  It was a tradition to have my family over for Christmas and Easter..I made it for Christmas, did all the cooking, and everyone had a great time.  I was exhausted but managed to do it all, and felt  good about it.

 

I couldn't yesterday, Easter Sunday.  Just too exhausted and sick and feeling like I don 't want to be with my family, whom I love dearly.  To be in a place where there are a lot of people is just overwhelming now. I did have my mom over for a simple meal.  It was nice, and she and my husband enjoyed it. I was ok but my heart wasn't totally in it. I don't let many people know I'm tapering off the benzo, and my family rarely knows how I feel.  My mom has no idea that I'm doing this...it would probably kill her if she did. I'm 67 years old, but I never let age stop me before.  Like you Hope, I was a caring person...now I do care for others still, but it's not the same when you don't want to see the people you love.

 

In time I feel we will heal...I'm not even off the benzo yet, just tapering...in  many ways I feel improvement, but the past 2 weeks has been really hard.  Just a wave I guess.  I really do admire you being off the dope, as you fittingly call it, for so long.  My prayers are with you.

Kat

[[da...]]

Hope...it IS withdrawal.  I read your last post and it's me!  I was looking through my college yearbook last night and just sobbed.  The 60's were such a great time in my life and I was sad because I didn't appreciate it enough.  I even started to look up some of my friends on Facebook and couldn't find any of them which really made me cry.  Today I looked outside the window at the river...it's where we tossed my fathers ashes.  I just was overwhelmed with sadness that he was in that river, even though that was his request.  My father, mother, younger brother and sister have all died over the course of the past few years and I now grieve them with such intensity that I make myself sick.  I am the only one left and I feel like an orphan.  My emotions are in overload...I think it is partly because of my age (65) and I have many years behind me to think about.  I also worry that I won't recover in time to enjoy what is left of my life.  I curse the day I ever swallowed even one pill.

 

I am thinking of you...we will make it.

 

Donna

[[...]]

Hi Hope,

 

I'm in agreement with the others...this sounds like withdrawal to me.  When we are on these pills, we are not able to express our emotions and they get bottled up...we don't grieve like we ought, or feel like we ought...we're just numb.  Now your mind is having to deal with not only the daily emotions that come up (and it's still hypersensitive to those emotions), it has to overcome all those years it was drugged and the emotions you should have felt at the time.  It's not your fault you didn't feel them then...you didn't know. 

 

If you did not have thoughts like this prior to wd, it is most likely withdrawal.  I had very similar, very bizarre and scary intrusive thoughts, irrational fear/guilt.  If I felt guilty for having these thoughts and resisted them, I felt worse and my symptoms intensified.  I hope you will begin to allow yourself a break from tormenting yourself while you're healing.  You have been unfairly punished more than enough by what these drugs have done to you. 

 

Even though your thoughts and emotions feel scary to you right now, it is a sign of healing...you are now feeling again....your emotions still work (they just are a bit off center right now).  Truly, I had very similar thoughts constantly and they are mostly gone now.  I didn't write about them because I just didn't have the words to describe what was actually going on in my head.  Mostly I would say, as you did, my mind just doesn't feel right. 

 

In a way, your words are encouraging to me because I have even more validation that what I experienced was indeed withdrawal...and now that I am through the worst of it can assure you you will one day feel clear minded again.

 

P.S.  Please don't feel guilty about not helping others right now.  You need support...this is YOUR time.  I have no doubt you will pay it forward when you are healed.

leslie

[[...]]

Hope,

I remember that one of the worst symptoms for me was depression during withdrawal. 

Since I had never been depressed before, it was very scary. 

The black box warning was very real to me at the time.

I would change the channel every time a commercial came on about anti-depression meds.

But now that I think about it, since they come on so much, there must be lots of depressed people.

 

You are wise to come to BB and pour it out, so come here as often as you need to.

Depression and obsessive concerns are some of the most typical symptoms associated with withdrawal.

BB friends know and understand that.

 

I do think you are right when you say that even loved ones who care about you, may not be able to help.

They eventually get frustrated when they finally see that.  They want to help, but usually can't.

 

In this case, the power to heal is based on time, patience and determination.

I had to stop talking about it to my wife as well.  She just couldn't understand how it could take so long to get better.

But, I did get better.  I know that you will too.

I hope you can learn to deal with the symptoms until time works it's miracle in you.

-David

[[ca...]]

Hi everyone, I am 5 years free!  Let me reassure you that all the emotions you

feel are from the "bare wires" that are now exposed in your brain.  Your receptors

are healing.  I suffered such mental anguish that I acutally thought that I had accidentally died and gone to hell.

First that horrible adrenalin would start and the emotions would come....then

I would have to pull something from my brain to associate with that feeling

I was having....some experience from the past or an event or and idea....

anything to connect to the emotion.  Like touching a hot stove and the

automatic reflex of pulling back.  Remember, first the emotion.....than the

brain searches for a reason for the emotion. 

You will heal!!! I promise.  I did.

[[re...]]

This thread is reassuring in 2 ways-  First that there are others out there with experiences similar to mine  ( to answer: yes-  I have those kind of days)  and second that others have healed from this.

 

Thank you Hope and everyone who posted here.

 

hugs,

 

becca

[[Sc...]]

Wow...we really aren't alone!  I too can relate to bits and pieces of this thread.  I have not fully tapered...still have another 2 months left (or so).  But I know that feeling of anger and resentment.  My neighbour across the street is only 2 yrs. older than me, and our daughters are best buddies, and I see her out there, going to work...taking her kids to dance class...going to the mall w/ her girls, etc...and I can't do it.  I DO a lot, I have t admit.  I get my daughter to/from school...although this week I've been unable to b/c I'm having a tougher week w/ this last cut.  I am able to socialize...sometimes.  But it's not good enough.  I feel jealous when i see people just flow from day to day.  I don't want to feel like this...but I can't help it.

 

And I get SO irritated by sounds...like my husband chewing his food, or my daughter singing in the house.  I feel so agitated and want to scream at them.  But I can't.  I've wanted to take my husband's laptop and throw it across the room...what that would prove I have NO idea...but he's just SO chilled out all the time and I just feel jealous of it all.  I want to enjoy life 100% again.  I think I will once I'm off and healed, but I'm scared and know it CAN be a long process.  I know my counsellor informed me about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome....and she's seen patients who have been 1-1 1/2 years off their meds and they come into her saying "I wanted to take the knife off the counter and poke my husband with it"...as an example (that she gave).  She said it's just irrational thoughts and that it's very common when coming off of Benzos...and can typically last from a few weeks to up to a couple of years once OFF the Benzos.  She said to remind yourself that it's NOT you thinking it.  It's part of the healing process and that it is NORMAL when going through w/d...or in your case, post w/d.  It doesn't make it easy, but at least you know you're not alone.

 

The feelings of anger, jealousy and resentment are horrible.  I feel it BIG TIME tonight, so in a way it was great to find this thread and know I'm not alone...although I deep down don't want anyone suffering like this.  I often say to my husband "I feel like I've been robbed 2 years of my life going through this...I'm young, a mom, a wife, a friend...but can barely fulfill any of those roles".  It drives me crazy.  And then suddenly it lifts and I'll a day or two (or even more) of relief and feel somewhat "normal" for a bit.  Bliss. 

 

I'm rambling now...nervous blabber. lol  Take care and ALL the best to you all who have responded to Hope's thread.  Keep strong.

 

Schatje

[[Ho...]]

Hi Friends,

 

Thank you all so much for posting and sharing and dear Lord bring us through to share success stories with one another.  There is so much you all have shared that I can relate to and I wish none of us had to relate to any of the suffering and again, I pray, for our relief.

 

Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night with vertigo.  I have not had that symptom at all and I just don't know why as I am nearing 13 months that I would experience yet another horrific symptom.  I had to lie still in a position so that the overwhelming nausea would cease.  I could not get up in the morning without the dizziness and the nausea coming back but my husband had my lie down until it could pass.  This was very discouraging for me as I keep hoping to wake up feeling better and start to have a sense that the symptoms are lifting but for now I continue to suffer.

 

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with horrific physical depression in my body and I had suffered with it for several hours all day yesterday so that it was difficult to try to fake or function at all.  There is just no purpose in me anyway and I am vacant.  I am so grieved beyond words over my continuing condition and just so spent of any fortitude to keep trying.

 

I woke up suffering today and in ways I cannot even put into words.  Physically I cannot put the suffering into words.  My mind is not right and again, I relived times as a little girl that I should not even remember and they are not times that were terrible but just sad in ways and make me grieve horrifically because play mates come to mind that I only knew for a short time and I grieve over them.  I keep grieving over the loss of my dad.  He has been gone for 10 years and I am grieving over him more than I did when he passed.  This morning I relived being with him in the hospital and I am grieved even more horrifically than I ever was. 

 

I just can't function anymore.  Our 20 year old son has been home for a couple of days and for over the last 3 years of this nightmare I have managed to keep going somehow to try to be a normal mom but I am not able to force it anymore.  I am so discouraged that I am not sensing any signs of symptoms diminishing so that I do suffer in ineptness.  Thinking that it is okay that I am not able and need to allow myself to not be able at this time doesn't help me because I have been unable for so very long and making myself interact with my kids trying to continue to show love and be a part of their lives.  But now I just can't do it anymore because it has been so long and I am still suffering all this crazy cycling of horrific symptoms.  I used to think I was beating the poison by making myself do the activities with my family but after all this time making myself just plain hurts because I wish so badly that I wasn't  having to make myself but rather just feel good.  Yesterday my body was tearing up with depression and my mind just couldn't take talking or listening and so I was going in the back rooms to avoid my son visiting with us and it made me sick to be this way because I am a mom who lives for my kids and I am so altered in misery in so many ways.  My son asked us to go through the football around in the front yard, and it made me grieve that I would not do it or have to force it.  I forced it for a few minutes and forced the smile and all.  I came in the house and gut grieved because I am so sick that I am still so sick in the same stuck way.  I just can't feel connected and the cycling pain rages and it is the same today. 

 

I have done nothing but suffer today and I can't do a thing with myself.  My son has the TV on and I can't stand it.  He turned Paverotti(sp?) on, on his computer and I forced myself to go in and listen to Ava Maria while my body felt like it was going to explode and while I could not enjoy the music that I once enjoyed or enjoy the thrill of sharing a special moment with my 20 year old that is usually off with  his friends.  I am so grieved that I cannot feel the sweetness of this.  I had a small window weeks ago where a sense of the sweetness of my kids come over me and oh how I long for it.  I have to get off because I think my son is going to come in and see this.  Thanks everyone, Hope4us

[[JJ...]]

and I was sad because I didn't appreciate it enough. 

 

I also worry that I won't recover in time to enjoy what is left of my life.  I curse the day I ever swallowed even one pill

 

 

i have these same thoughts, that I did not appreciate my health, my vitality, when i had it.  HOW did i take so much for granted??  I can't make sense out of it. I get really sad when i think about the past, as well.  also, I am 35 and I wonder if I'll be able to enjoy the rest of my life, I worry that I will never get my physical health back and that makes me so sad, to feel like my days of running on trails through the woods and being physically and mentally fit are gone and over.  That brings me so down to think about, so, of course...I try to not think at all some days. .that is my best defense, because this brain in benzo withdrawal will take me so many different places I do NOT want to go.  I can literally make myself nauseous and so full of despair with the thoughts that I have.  So - yeah, if i can do something to distract, it helps. .when i'm driving in the car, for instance, if the thoughts start, i will turn the music up really loud, sometimes that helps. 

[[re...]]

I suppose we all have these thoughts. It's one of the nasty tricks this drug plays on us.

 

But look at thousands and thousands who have gotten through this nightmare and gone on to cherish and appreciate life.  We will get there too.

 

This morning for the first time since December I felt some of that health and vitality that's been dormant for so long.  Just a hint of the wonderful feeling one can have when this poison is out of our bodies.

 

We will get there Buddies.  Hang on !

[[Ho...]]

Dear Friends,

 

I am 13 months and 1 week now and continue to be in excruiating suffering everyday. 

 

This morning at dawn I awoke again with the same sick head wave that hits and I was just so very sick. I tried to shower but could hardly bathe.  I got back in bed and suffered.  I tried and tried to go back to sleep but I can't go back to sleep as the drift off leads to delirium and every thought of the past, the good, bad, ugly, the morbid all make me grieve or fear. It has been this way every day for months and months.

 

A repair man was in our backyard and my  husband got up to greet him and then anxiety came upon me so that my bowels and fingertips ached to badly and the burning began.

 

Around noon such great irritability was exploding in my body and I wanted to scream at my husband and spew hatred.  I wanted to rip my clothes off because they felt so bad on my body.  I walked around the block but nothing helps me.  Anxiety returned and I tried to walk again but was too weak and sick. 

 

I forced myself to go with my husband to the Hallmark card store to get mother day cards.  This used to be my job and I did it alone and enjoyed it but I was so phyiscally ill in the car and I cursed in my heart that I had to put up with mother's day.  I have a loving family and I don't want to celebrate mother's day with them.  I am hateful and grieving that I can't feel anything good at all.  It is a pretty day and I can't feel it and still can't feel the birds or roses and it grieves me deeply to despondency.  How can this still be going on?  It was this way last year too. 

 

I couldn't hardly stand in the store and the tears streamed down from under my sunglasses and I didn't even care if anyone heard my cry and my husband took me by the arm and said he would take me to the car and pick out the cards himself but this upset me and I said I had to do it. 

 

I couldn't stand reading the happy loving cards and I can't feel any love for picking out a card for my mom, mom-in-law and daughter.  It all made me cry and felt horrible. 

 

I want to take something to try to help myself now.  Like I said, I am 13 months and 1 week and severely suffering these horrendous mood and metabolism wings and am too debilitated to do anything or plan anything.  I have been wanting to get a hair cut for months and can't manage to face people because I can't connect with others and grieving and hating and this just goes on and on and doesn't change.  I get thought to just cut off my ponytail because I grieve that I cannot go enjoy a haircut.  It is awful that I think this way. 

 

I have walled myself off from everyone and get upset if anyone tries to text me.  It is awful.  I don't know how to make myself stop this.  I am lonely but hateful and fearful.  I still have aversion to eating after all this time.  I still don't want to do anything at all and I am disconnected from all people, interests and the whole world.

 

The nerve pain has escalated.  It is not just burning but deep indescribable pain in my organs and muscles and limbs.  It is even in my genitals.  My bowels and bladder feel like I am pushing out a baby and they are overactive and I really don't have to go to the bathroom but feels like it.  My left side is in horrendous nerve pain.  It is so painful that I sit paralyzed and cry out.

 

I have been waiting on time to heal me but the withdrawal continues to be brutal everyday and I cannot feel any hint that it is going to stop anytime soon.  I don't know what to do.  Some of the homeopathic things I've tried have backfired or not helped really.  I want to take anything to stop this misery. 

 

Do you all think that this is still only withdrawal???  Hope4us

 

[[Ho...]]

I forgot to mention that the depression has been crushing even still and on and on.  I beg God for this all to lift but it all cycles.  My thoughts have been dark everyday and I sob when I think about if my kids knew that I think this way.  Please help me.  I just can't cope.  Hope4us

[[ch...]]

Hope4us,

 

Have you read the Ashton manual ? There is so much information online about benzo w/d. So many stories you can read to gather your own information about this horrible process. However, Ashton says it can take 6-18 months to heal from benzo w/d. I have read other stories as well that has some people going longer than that to heal to 100%.  I am at 15 months 1 week and still have quite a few symptoms. I am not functioning right now, but one thing I learned in the beginning which has helped me dearly is that we all heal. I have read countless stories of others who have been on massive amounts of benzos for many many years some 20 years or more and they heal. There is no reason to think you won't.  God has nothing to do with this healing process. This isn't magic that is taking place...it is science and biochemisty. The body is going through so many changes because of how perfectly constructed it is to handle something like this.  There are so many processes taking place in our bodies right now...that they are hard to keep track of. So much healing is happening as the gaba receptors and Central nervous system works overtime to repair the damage left by benzos.

 

You may want to consider refreshing yourself with the Ashton manual and maybe even checking out some other sources of information online in regards to benzos. There is nothing that will heal your other than TIME. The best thing you can do is distract your mind long enough to endure this horrble process.  It will pass and you will heal, just not in the timeframe that you may want. I know it is hard and know some days you just want to cash it all in, but this will end. Try to read some success stories too..that always helps.  I have more information on benzo w/d if you need it. Just PM me and I will give it to you. Also, youtube has  a lot of people who have recovered and have posted videos of their stories. Wikipedia even has information on it  if you google  "benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome"  Educated yourself. Knowledge can be a pretty strong ally in benzo w/d.  I hope some of this helps you.  Hang in there Hope4us...you have come such a long way. 13 months is light years in w/d time. Congrats !

 

Chrisw