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It'll be 1 year off benzos in a few days and I feel not good :(


[Sk...]

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Another post to complain amongst the tons of poor people here who are suffering... hope you guys won't mind since I didn't post here for a while.

 

First I need to point out that I didn't write anything on my blog here because there weren't much to say. The covid crisis allowed me to take a step back and to stay at home with no work to do. It went great. I was locked down with my boyfriend and we really enjoyed those 2 months. It was harder to go out again and to start to work again.

 

I was able to feel more stability, more peace during this time. I had NO panic attacks, NO depressive spells (or only a few hours here and there) and MY PMS WAS GONE. Those last 3 months, I had nearly no mental symptoms coming with my periods, that's insane. I didn't even bother to not see my therapist because I didn't need it, I felt good enough to just mind my own business. I also stopped to take ANY supplement since early april. Only a random chamomille before going to sleep.

 

I started to see a psychiatrist expert in EMDR and hypnosis. I felt that I couldn't go further with my actual therapist  :( I saw the new one 3 times only for now, fortunately this one is free of charge (thank you France and national insurance) so I can stop worrying about my finances.

 

Unfortunately, since a week, I feel really bad. Depressed and REALLY anxious again. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I feel so much hopelessness in my recovery right now. I fear that I am, indeed, depressed and that I spent all this last year trying to hide this to myself.

 

What doesn't match is that each time I feel that bad, I have TONS of intrusive thoughts. The main one being "what if I was really depressed and spend all my life like this?", and also OCD about s-word. Meaning that I do NOT want to die (I'm really scared of it, even have hypocondry since withdrawal), but my brain constantly launches thoughts about dying. I feel so miserable with these thoughts  :-\ So I'm spending my ENTIRE time right now trying to define if I am truly depressed to the point of thinking about this, or if I am suffering from OCD thoughts revolving around what I fear the most (dying).

 

I'm perfectly able to work, eat, I sleep very well (7 to 8 hours by night without waking up). I shower each day. I'm interested in doing things. I can appreciate beautiful things. I don't loose or gain weight. I can feel much more emotions than before. I even cook nice meals (I wasn't able to do all of this when I was really depressed just after my breakup last year).

 

But my brain focuses on sending thoughts about feeling depressed, which in turn makes me depressed a lot and hopeless. It HURT. When I think about s-word, it hurt me litteraly, I don't find peace in it. I'm shaking with anxiety and I had a panic attack coming from nowhere, after 3 months free from it, a few days ago while I was eating something. My body feels like there is constant electricity in it and I can't relax it.

 

I can't help but feeling so sorry for myself, and at this point I'm still not able to be sure that I will find peace someday. It'll be 1 year the 13th july, and I took benzos for only 2 months. I'm at loss.

 

My new therapist didn't saw me enought to detect if I had depression, anxiety, OCD or something else (or all of these). He tried hypnosis one time with me and I reacted in a very funny way, which means there is something to do.

 

But I need reassurance RIGHT NOW. Funny yeah? Because it's the main thing people with OCD are seeking.

 

After one year, I'm still not able to determine if I truly suffer from depression, and that makes me a wreck.

 

Also, my father and a mini-cerebrovascular accident during the lock down in may, but he didn't tell me until last week because he lives in Germany and I wouldn't be able to cross borders. And my cat had 2 seizures in june, after 6 months with NOTHING, and I have to take her to the vet to perform a MRI to see what's wrong with her brain. My mom just has been ghosted my her boyfriend after a 13 years relationship and I can't even see her because I live far away from her. I'm so scared to loose my father, my beloved cat, and to see my mom depressed.

 

What a shitty month  :-\

 

Does this looks like depression? Please tell me that this depression-whatsoever GOES AWAY someday and that I'm not doomed to suffer a neverending loop of depressive spells until the end of my life  :-[

 

(On the bright side, the OCD focused on my new relationship is over, thanks to the locked down where we discovered we where really good for each other. Now I feel really guilty of not being able to be fully recovered because he means so much to me and I DESERVE to enjoy the first healthy relationship I ever had)

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[dd...]

I too Am struggling with the idea of there is an underlying mental illness ie: depression.  I am Still agoraphobic, and feel that my boyfriend deserves someone healthy...no someone like me.  I too Worry I will struggle for the rest of my life...it is a real concern.  I do Not want to suffer and if maybe a little antidepressant could help I would do it.  I think Doctors over diagnose and over medicate for sure.

 

I guess my advice would be try to live in the now.  It seems that the stress from returning to work may have triggered some symptoms for you.  Stress is difficult for me to handle, any type from anything...

 

I believe You will heal as will I.  I too went through a sad break up, but mine was divorce in 2018.  I sort Of had a mental crisis, but I was using benzos before then.  I had a rough 2018-2019, then 2019 was benzo recovery.  So while my ex is off having a baby and living a beautiful happy life, I’m in benzo hell...I’ve lost my career too.  I cant Handle teaching right now, who knows if I will Ever.  But I am Hoping to return to work at some point...I just don’t know as what.  But I think it would help to distract me if I did.

 

Ugh.  I know how you feel about your boyfriend, mine has been wonderful.  We had a little break up for about two months and it threw me into a wave...then we got back together.  I just Feel like I dont Want to disappoint him in anyway, and I want him to have a grand life.  Like you, I worry I will be like this forever and he just deserves so much more than half of me.  Maybe one day I will be okay, I can only pray.

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Thank you for your answer. :smitten: sorry, I'm in a bad place and I won't be able to give you some reassurance right now.

 

I think my long text didn't encourage other people to react, my bad. I always had difficulties to stay brief when ranting.

 

I saw my therapist this morning and feel worse than before. Lot of things from my past are remerging and MIGHT be the cause of my actual distress, things I tried to live with without dealing with them frankly.

 

That's so unfair, I never asked to be cheated on and dumped THREE TIMES for someone else during my 20's. All my suffering comes from deep wounds caused by other people, I never wanted that and now I feel my life as been taken away from me without my consent :-\

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[dd...]

Thank you for your answer. :smitten: sorry, I'm in a bad place and I won't be able to give you some reassurance right now.

 

I think my long text didn't encourage other people to react, my bad. I always had difficulties to stay brief when ranting.

 

I saw my therapist this morning and feel worse than before. Lot of things from my past are remerging and MIGHT be the cause of my actual distress, things I tried to live with without dealing with them frankly.

 

That's so unfair, I never asked to be cheated on and dumped THREE TIMES for someone else during my 20's. All my suffering comes from deep wounds caused by other people, I never wanted that and now I feel my life as been taken away from me without my consent :-\

 

Therapy aggravates my system considerably.  Bringing up old stuff etc., honestly I really don’t see the point.  Read some Gestalt, that guy knows what he’s talking about lol...you can do your own psychoanalysis it’s fun.

 

Here is the way I see it.  Took benzos for a small problem and now you (and all of us warriors) have big problems.  The intrusive memories, racing thoughts, uncomfortable fear, do, dr...yaddah yah is ROUGH.  It can take YEARS to recover.  Stress exacerbates symptoms...you have to take it easy, so do all of us.  Be kind to yourself, rest, digest lol...easier said than done I know.

 

Don’t worry about how or what you post.  People on here are awesome and I’m sure I can speak for everyone that it’s a safe space for you to vent exactly the way you did.  Read some of my older posts when I was in despair etc., I’m still super uncomfortable. 

 

My Naturopathic Doctor tells me to tread water.  I texted him two days ago and told I’m so scared.  He said, “yeah, that sucks.”  LOL...he’s not alarmed because he’s dealt with this benzo crap before and well he knows I’ll be fine.  So, just have to lean on BBs, you’ll get there.  We are all here with you :)

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It is crazy how someone can make a drug that even makes the brain of all the users similar questions. My first intrusive thought during ma depressive withdrawal episode was what if it becomes worse.It scared the hell out of me.
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Skalliz I don't have so much words about this but it looks like all of us have been going through the same episodes of this withdrawal process. Whatever you are explaining is what I have literally battled with for like 3 months every day. I was becoming so miserable each day not knowing it were me putting myself in most of the misery. You see I have come to learn that it is entirely my responsibility to help myself out of this.I'll try to explain to you what I have tried to do that helps.Hope I can be of much help.
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Therapy aggravates my system considerably.  Bringing up old stuff etc., honestly I really don’t see the point.  Read some Gestalt, that guy knows what he’s talking about lol...you can do your own psychoanalysis it’s fun.

 

Actually, I feel I really need therapy. I have small and big problems I used to brush under the carpet and it's been a while that I wanted to really do something about it. For example, I still have nightmares sometimes about my exes and the way they treated me YEARS ago. I'm not at peace with this and it's poisoning my life. Therapy helps me a lot, but I know that it doesn't help everyone. I believe that if you feel like crap after a therapy session, it's because you REALLY need it in the first place. Otherwise you won't bother that much...

 

I try to not worry. After venting that much here and seeing the therapist, I felt awful yesterday and suddently a big calm came by late afternoon. For now, since almost 24 hours, I feel the intrusive thoughts somewhere but they don't open the door to flood my brain. And I don't feel depressed anymore. I feel just a normal level of sadness/anxiety we can expect in someone how endured hell unfairly for many months.

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What you need to do go to youtube and listen to Dr Claire Weekes audio book of help for your nerves. Listen to it and do all that she says in that book.It will explain whatever you going through and you will find out that every day you have been putting yourself in a cycle of depression and she will teach you how to break the cycle.It will help you not to relapse into depression in the future too.Hope it helps you.
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Did you get worse after the EMDR?

I am aware of someone who ended up in a complete state after trying EMDR before she was even on Benzos. Caused a bad reaction that lead to Dr CT of SSRI because thought seato in Syndrome.

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Did you get worse after the EMDR?

I am aware of someone who ended up in a complete state after trying EMDR before she was even on Benzos. Caused a bad reaction that lead to Dr CT of SSRI because thought seato in Syndrome.

 

No, I did only 1 session for now with EMDR 3 weeks ago and I felt calmer and stronger after that. This state lasted a few days. Nothing wonderful, just felt kind of normal?

 

If there is more to say in the future, I'll testimony here on BB so you guys know what to expect.

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EMDR has been found to be very helpful for people - but those of us healing from benzos are in a different place than other people. We are still struggling to self regulate and process in our brains. EMDR is a way of re-processing memories so they don't sit in our frontal cortex unprocessed. But since our brains are healing, it has been advised to wait on EMDR until a lot of benzo healing has taken place.

 

But Skalliz if you've been good with it - good for you. You sound like you have some situational depression going on due to stuff with your parents and your cat. So as those things are resolved you may feel better. I feel like benzo recovery also resurfaces anything we haven't resolved emotionally too - which really makes it harder (speaking for myself here..).

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You sound like you were doing pretty OK lot better than me, I'm 17 months off no improvement, stupidly took anti depressants which made things whole lot worse so now having deal with withdrawal from them. Is there anything that has happened recently that could of triggered it. do you think. Sure you will improve again, just think you were doing well lot better than some others so sure you will make good progress again. Therapy can be quite intensive as well bringing up stuff but well done you for having had some improvements
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The intrusive thoughts about the s word (not sure if i'm allowed to say it) have been a problem for me as well. Earlier on in withdrawal it was severe and an obsession almost. It was accompanied by depression. It eventually went away though! It didn't feel natural and I always tried to remind myself that it was the benzos lying to me.

 

It won't be like this forever!

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