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Waking up from a coma


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At 16.5 months off, I'm starting to see some real healing. Just three weeks ago, I had all but given up any hope of ever feeling better or living a normal life. I am beyond grateful to have some wonderful windows where I actually feel like I human being again. I don't know how long it will last, but I am going to enjoy every second of not feeling psychologically and physically tortured. It's a gift to be let out of this prison cell and feel the sunlight again.

 

What I am also experiencing is this feeling of not knowing how to navigate my life. Two years ago, before my disease and benzos took me out, I had a thriving career as a therapist, I was fit and in shape, I spent time traveling and was very involved with my friends, family, and being a single momma to my four darling kids. Life was not perfect and I struggled like everyone does, but I was happy and healthy. Then I came down with a random disease that caused mental problems and insomnia. I went undiagnosed for far too long. I was in and out of hospitals. Then came the benzos. Then my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My boyfriend said in a nutshell that all of this was too much for our relationship and he left. My best friend of years who was like a sister to me also left. Then my mom died.

 

I finally had surgery to save my life but CT'd my Xanax while in the hospital because no one told me NOT to just stop taking it. Not one doctor and it was the only medication on I was on. The surgery saved my life and I couldn't figure out why I felt worse after. I think the only reason I didn't have a seizure from the CT is because I was heavily sedated and in the ICU for days.  Then came benzo hell and withdraw.

 

Now, here I am. I survived it all. My mom is gone. My best friend is gone. My boyfriend is gone. Most of my friends are gone. The life I knew before is just...gone. How do we pick up the pieces and move on? I feel like I'm waking up from this weird coma and don't know what to do with myself. My phone is dark and it's been a long time gone that I've had texts/calls from anyone. I am no longer stuck in bed all the time or on the couch confined to watch tv but I find myself wandering my house and thinking, "what on earth did I used to do before all of this?" "What is normal?" I have found myself crying because I feel so lost and without any bearings. Add to that the pandemic and the world feeling really bizarre and foreign too. Then I feel angry at myself because I am feeling so much better which is all I've focused on and wanted for the past two years, then why am I crying???

 

I feel so broken. I miss my mom terribly. She's been gone for 1.5 years and it's like I'm feeling it in such a delayed way and am behind on grieving. Before she died, she said to me with tears in her eyes, "I wish I could take you with me" because I was suffering and so ill. I'm now going to be 47 and I look like I've aged 10 years and I've gained 20 pounds and I just feel like such a loser. I have been too ill to work and exercise and I'm scared to try or all of this feeling good might set me back or disappear altogether. I miss my best friend so much. I realized that I had no one really to call and tell them that I'm doing better and that I might actually be okay. No one to share any news with.

 

I'm sorry for venting. I typically only like to be positive on the forum but I am just struggling here. I don't want to be in this benzo coma anymore. I want to live and have a life and raise my kids and be an example to them of someone who didn't leave and didn't give up. I just don't know how to put it all back together.

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I am so happy for you ..please stay positive...look for happiness in your kids. We all miss our past but what's gone is gone and we have to look for future. Just think that now you healed or getting close to healing you can enjoy life to full. This pandemic will over in few months and then you be able to go out , travel ..and back to your old life.  :thumbsup:
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Warrior, I can relate so much to this.  I am 18 months off and 48 years old.  My time being sick is so long now.  I was already in tolerance for years and suffering  from a benzo withdrawal in 2008, and then a reinstatement, and I never felt *okay* after that.  We moved to a new place, and I have ONE local friend here, which I am very thankful for, and add in the pandemic, it's like just as I am starting to feel somewhat normal, it is impossible to BE normal. 

 

The time I spent being not able to do things is so long now.  I am not even sure what I want to do with my life, at this point.

 

I also am so grateful that I am not in constant pain, either physical or mental, anymore.  Sometimes, that alone is enough.  I am slowly piecing things together, and honestly it isn't too bad most of the time.  Lots of losses to grieve though. 

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Best update for the day in BB! I'm thrilled for you and everyone for the hope !

 

We are all here to listen to you and share your happiness and sadness!

 

You will pick up everything and live an even fuller life. You don't have to struggle as how as your brain will know!

 

Lots love and big hugs!

4mom

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I'm so happy for you Warrior.  I'm feeling as if waking from a "weird coma" at 16 months, as well.  So incredibly grateful.

 

I'm not sure how we rebuild Warrior, I'm still taking it a day at a time, doing little things, see how it evolves.  My brain still not fully capable of tackling the bigger questions.  I just look to the stars and the sky and say, thank you. 

 

I'm so very happy for you Warrior.  Laughing and crying all at the same time.  Thank you. 

 

Dee

:smitten:

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I am so happy for you ..please stay positive...look for happiness in your kids. We all miss our past but what's gone is gone and we have to look for future. Just think that now you healed or getting close to healing you can enjoy life to full. This pandemic will over in few months and then you be able to go out , travel ..and back to your old life.  :thumbsup:

 

Thank you, JRBenzo. I believe positivity and the love for my kids is what has kept me waking up day after day and giving it my all. I know I'm not healed yet, but having had not many windows until now fills me with so much hope. There is a life out there waiting for all of us!

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I'm so happy for you Warrior.  I'm feeling as if waking from a "weird coma" at 16 months, as well.  So incredibly grateful.

 

I'm not sure how we rebuild Warrior, I'm still taking it a day at a time, doing little things, see how it evolves.  My brain still not fully capable of tackling the bigger questions.  I just look to the stars and the sky and say, thank you. 

 

I'm so very happy for you Warrior.  Laughing and crying all at the same time.  Thank you. 

 

Dee

:smitten:

 

 

Thank you, Dee. I have been very encouraged by your recent progress and breakthrough as well. It's so wonderful to feel like a human again. I pray it lasts but even if it doesn't, I know now what is possible!

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Best update for the day in BB! I'm thrilled for you and everyone for the hope !

 

We are all here to listen to you and share your happiness and sadness!

 

You will pick up everything and live an even fuller life. You don't have to struggle as how as your brain will know!

 

Lots love and big hugs!

4mom

 

Thank you for sharing this with me. It's so nice to know we have each other and we can truly relate and understand the crazy awfulness of this journey and to cheer one another on!

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Warrior, I can relate so much to this.  I am 18 months off and 48 years old.  My time being sick is so long now.  I was already in tolerance for years and suffering  from a benzo withdrawal in 2008, and then a reinstatement, and I never felt *okay* after that.  We moved to a new place, and I have ONE local friend here, which I am very thankful for, and add in the pandemic, it's like just as I am starting to feel somewhat normal, it is impossible to BE normal. 

 

The time I spent being not able to do things is so long now.  I am not even sure what I want to do with my life, at this point.

 

I also am so grateful that I am not in constant pain, either physical or mental, anymore.  Sometimes, that alone is enough.  I am slowly piecing things together, and honestly it isn't too bad most of the time.  Lots of losses to grieve though. 

 

My friend, you have really been through it, haven't you. I applaud you for your perseverance and strength. I am very grateful for the break in the clouds. One day at a time until this will all be a memory!

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Warrior...Wow,  You expressed yourself so well in describing this stage of healing.  I have commented before that we need a support thread or group for people who are 'waking up.'  It has a whole new set of challenges.  The brain comes back online and it's hard to process where all that carnage and devastation came from.  I saw it happening....but it's like I really didn't connect or experience it.  So here we go.  The beginning of seeing and feeling again.  It's painful and scary at times.

 

The past few months, I have been taking it slow.  Bite size of the emotional stuff that I have to process.  That is all I can do in one day.  It is a lot to deal with.  But I am so grateful that we made it this far Warrior.  Mine won't be a success story where I woke up and everything was beautiful and bright.  There are piles of uncomfortable messy shit strung all about.  One pile at a time. 

 

 

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You will know how to navigate your life again at some point. You were tough enough to survive a benzo injury so you undoubtedly will be able to rebuilt your life. I suspect that as time goes on you'll realize you've put more and more bits of it back together, and you'll be able to further build on those pieces.

 

The good thing is that you will be you again. Which means that you'll have all your attributes back that allow you to attract all the success, friends, and happiness that came just by virtue of being you. I'm sure it will take some time just like benzo recovery does, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over not being sure what to do right now.

 

Like many you've lost a lot through this process, and specific people can be one of the most difficult losses. For that reason it would be invalidating your pain to say your life will be identical to what it was. But even though your life can't be exactly the same as it used to be, it can still be absolutely amazing if not better. I really think your life will eventually be full of happiness again, it will just look a little different.

 

Tom

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Warrior...Wow,  You expressed yourself so well in describing this stage of healing.  I have commented before that we need a support thread or group for people who are 'waking up.'  It has a whole new set of challenges.  The brain comes back online and it's hard to process where all that carnage and devastation came from.  I saw it happening....but it's like I really didn't connect or experience it.  So here we go.  The beginning of seeing and feeling again.  It's painful and scary at times.

 

The past few months, I have been taking it slow.  Bite size of the emotional stuff that I have to process.  That is all I can do in one day.  It is a lot to deal with.  But I am so grateful that we made it this far Warrior.  Mine won't be a success story where I woke up and everything was beautiful and bright.  There are piles of uncomfortable messy shit strung all about.  One pile at a time.

 

It is definitely painful and scary for sure. I'm so very thankful to have come this far and I still have a ways to go. I know that. But it's hopeful, isn't it?

 

I know I won't be one of those types of success stories either but the fact that I know now that I can write one at some point feels amazing. Taking things a bite size at a time is definitely the way to move forward. Best of luck and success to you and all of us.

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You will know how to navigate your life again at some point. You were tough enough to survive a benzo injury so you undoubtedly will be able to rebuilt your life. I suspect that as time goes on you'll realize you've put more and more bits of it back together, and you'll be able to further build on those pieces.

 

The good thing is that you will be you again. Which means that you'll have all your attributes back that allow you to attract all the success, friends, and happiness that came just by virtue of being you. I'm sure it will take some time just like benzo recovery does, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over not being sure what to do right now.

 

Like many you've lost a lot through this process, and specific people can be one of the most difficult losses. For that reason it would be invalidating your pain to say your life will be identical to what it was. But even though your life can't be exactly the same as it used to be, it can still be absolutely amazing if not better. I really think your life will eventually be full of happiness again, it will just look a little different.

 

Tom, your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. I am just trying to live as I have during the last two years...one day at time. One step forward at a time and being as present-focused as possible.

Tom

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Hi Warrior, your story touched me deeply, too, and I am overcome with awe at your bravery, perseverance and truth. I am so sorry for your losses, I have had many too. Actually it was losing both my parents within months of each other that led me to being so heavily medicated. It's good to feel your feelings and acknowledge them and know that you are safe with us. We are either going through it, have been through it, or will be going through it shortly! As a therapist, you are more equipped to know how to process your feelings than most. This life business is hard and add in serious trauma, geez, its wonder we ever eave the house. But we know we must. We build new lives step by step. We can bring new people into our lives as they appear in our lives. Its the in-between and the dark hours that can be so hard. Mourning and grieving our former selves can be painful, but hopefully lead us into a new life.
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Hi Warrior, your story touched me deeply, too, and I am overcome with awe at your bravery, perseverance and truth. I am so sorry for your losses, I have had many too. Actually it was losing both my parents within months of each other that led me to being so heavily medicated. It's good to feel your feelings and acknowledge them and know that you are safe with us. We are either going through it, have been through it, or will be going through it shortly! As a therapist, you are more equipped to know how to process your feelings than most. This life business is hard and add in serious trauma, geez, its wonder we ever eave the house. But we know we must. We build new lives step by step. We can bring new people into our lives as they appear in our lives. Its the in-between and the dark hours that can be so hard. Mourning and grieving our former selves can be painful, but hopefully lead us into a new life.

 

 

Tater,

 

Thank you so much for sharing in this with me. It helps more than all of you know to have this forum and this support. You truly are the only ones who understand and when we have lost so many relationships, every single person here matters in the support that they give. Here's to less dark hours and more breaks in the clouds  :smitten:

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Oh Warrior you've made me cry...because of you moms parting words..bc of your losses, bc we are all struggling to find ourselves in all of this. And yet in all of that you generously give of yourself to others on here:)

 

Its encouraging to know you have come so far. thank you for sharing your journey.

 

Isn't it ironic how having a therapy background we can see so clearly for others, yet now being in the place of moving forward, it can be a bit "clouded".

Like a forest thats had a blazing fire reduced to ashes, new growth resurges...fresh, green, vibrant. Full of hope and promise  :smitten:

 

(Feel free to remind me of that if necessary... ;))

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Oh Warrior you've made me cry...because of you moms parting words..bc of your losses, bc we are all struggling to find ourselves in all of this. And yet in all of that you generously give of yourself to others on here:)

 

Its encouraging to know you have come so far. thank you for sharing your journey.

 

Isn't it ironic how having a therapy background we can see so clearly for others, yet now being in the place of moving forward, it can be a bit "clouded".

Like a forest thats had a blazing fire reduced to ashes, new growth resurges...fresh, green, vibrant. Full of hope and promise  :smitten:

 

Being a therapist has definitely come in handy so much in this process but yes, my vision is quite clouded as to what to do next. I love your analogy of the burnt forest and the growth that takes place. Made me think of how a 100 year old forest that was thriving can be wiped out in a matter of hours. And how that re-growth can take such a long, long time. But it's beautiful in the end.  :smitten:

 

(Feel free to remind me of that if necessary... ;))

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Like Martin Luther said it is only in the dark that you can see the stars.While life for none of us has been a crystal stair.You have to keep moving, if you can't fly run,can't run walk, can't walk crawl but you just gotta keep moving.

Bexlan.

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Like Martin Luther said it is only in the dark that you can see the stars.While life for none of us has been a crystal stair.You have to keep moving, if you can't fly run,can't run walk, can't walk crawl but you just gotta keep moving.

Bexlan.

 

Well said. Martin Luther King is one of my heroes.

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Im feeling really connected to how you were feeling when you wrote he original post.

I cannot believe life turned out this way and the loneliness and frustration is really taking a toll on me right now.

My one outlet these last few weeks was I took up swimming again, but due to the massive spike in coronavirus cases in my state, they have shut down the pools and gyms. It is too hot to exercise outdoors so I am stuck inside again: staring at the four walls. My depression has been worsening and I am crying at some point everyday.

 

I am missing my mother who died in 2007 (dad died in 2007, too) and cannot believe I have had to live 13 years without her. She was my best friend and I regret all the years I lived away from her.

I have so many friends through the years due to many differing circumstances and my heart is heavy and full of regret.

If only I could jump into the swimming pool and exercise my way through this moment. But Im just stuck having to feel this way.

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