Anyone else feel like they're developing a personality disorder during WDs?

[[fu...]]

Hey all! I know it's unpopular to take any diagnoses during withdrawal or even to acknowledge psychiatric diagnoses but I really feel there's something very wrong. I had BPD traits before any medicine but I've always had close and stabile friendships, I've never tried to take my life or harm myself and I was emotional but could ground myself. However, I now feel like I've got full-blown borderline personality disorder. I cannot deal at all. I get angry with loved ones so fast and the cycling is absolutely insane. I feel like a stranger to myself because I don't have any logical beliefs to hold onto. Everything is clouded by some really dark thoughts and feelings. It's just constant Jekyll and Hyde, and it's ruining my relationships.

[[Ta...]]

I just want to respond that you are not alone in this. I feel like I was not in control of my personality at all. I was in constant fight or flight. So much anger. Very little emotional regulation. I couldn’t communicate well at all either and no one could understand what I was going through. Thankfully, my boyfriend and his family have been paragons of patience and they loved me through it. I often had to retreat to a bedroom to get away from noise and commotion because I was too tired or confused to deal with others, and they were so cool.

 

Your mind is under enormous pressure and has become deregulated due to the benzo. Try to do your best and have patience and compassion for yourself. Distraction has been so helpful for me. Breathing exercises can help slow down an extremely anxious mind. If you never had the diagnosis of BPD before, then don’t worry, you aren’t going to develop it in benzo withdrawal. Besides it may have been complications from benzos that made you feel that way in the first place.

Dark feelings and thoughts are very common in benzo withdrawal.

These things do subside and improve over time. Hang in there, you’re not alone.

[[Go...]]

You could easily be diagnosed with any number of mental and physical illnesses until 6-18  months Free

 

 

Any evaluation you would have would mean nothing at this point

[[di...]]

I experience quite severe mania at one point and would crash from a manic spell, so it looked a lot like Bipolar Disorder. It took a bit of a perfect storm, to be honest. I was withdrawing too quickly but didn't really know it, because I couldn't reconcile feeling great with reducing too quickly. Also, I had to move back to my parents and I have an abusive father who confused the living crap out of me with his erratic behaviour. But yeah, I felt it. At times I have felt autistic... like completely out of tune with normal thoughts and emotions. Some psychotic symptoms at times. I'd call these psychiatric disorders rather than personality disorders but I think this is the sort of thing you're getting at.

 

I believe they are a sign that you are withdrawing too quickly and trying to take on too much while you're going through the process. I have since moved to eradicate stress as much as possible and tapered slowly with long holds. It took me a long time to shake off the lingering effects of these horrible spells where I was not myself. I guess I still have a bit of shaking off to do but I'm not affected on a day to day basis.

[[fu...]]

I just want to respond that you are not alone in this. I feel like I was not in control of my personality at all. I was in constant fight or flight. So much anger. Very little emotional regulation. I couldn’t communicate well at all either and no one could understand what I was going through. Thankfully, my boyfriend and his family have been paragons of patience and they loved me through it. I often had to retreat to a bedroom to get away from noise and commotion because I was too tired or confused to deal with others, and they were so cool.

 

Your mind is under enormous pressure and has become deregulated due to the benzo. Try to do your best and have patience and compassion for yourself. Distraction has been so helpful for me. Breathing exercises can help slow down an extremely anxious mind. If you never had the diagnosis of BPD before, then don’t worry, you aren’t going to develop it in benzo withdrawal. Besides it may have been complications from benzos that made you feel that way in the first place.

Dark feelings and thoughts are very common in benzo withdrawal.

These things do subside and improve over time. Hang in there, you’re not alone.

 

Thank you so much. I feel frightened of myself because I've just lost my ability to feel anything positive, including love. I just feel like there's a black void inside of my, filled with negativity, anger, aggression, self-pity, and hopelessness. I do think there were some emotional dysregulation issues before - I've had them since I was young. However, the trigger was mostly my mom (our personalities clash hard) and I thought I'd worked through them in my early twenties.

 

I'm doing the breathing exercises to calm myself down.  I also try to practice gratitude even if I feel the whole world has somehow let me down. I guess I'm also worn out from years of this BS as it basically started from the first pill of AD I took. I'm just tired.

 

Thank you again for the kind words, it really means a lot!

[[fu...]]

You could easily be diagnosed with any number of mental and physical illnesses until 6-18  months Free

 

 

Any evaluation you would have would mean nothing at this point

 

I was actually evaluated by a clinical psychologist and she only diagnosed anxiety, depression and OCD, all of which I do have. They're just a thousand times worse on the meds. That's the reason I was wondering about BPD. Maybe I had some traits before but it has now gone full-blown. I know I shouldn't be worrying about this in withdrawal but the rollercoaster is absolutely insane. I don't want the diagnosis, but I'm generally worried that I'm exhibiting more and more behaviour of some condition, whatever they call it. Even if the diagnosis isn't real, the feelings most certainly are, and they're impacting my life in more ways that I care to admit.

[[He...]]

Hi fuerza

 

Benzo use and withdrawal can make anyone seem mentally or psychologically ill.  Your system is completely dysregulated.  Trust your doctors conclusion. 

 

Also , it’s a very ocd symptom to hyper focus on a problem.  Often the problem is not really there.  It’s ocd behaviour.  I know.  I do that.  The more I do it, the stronger it gets.  I have to crack through it.  I have to STOP doing the thing.  I suggest you completely distract from this thinking to very different thinking.  Remember, a fear or thought or belief or feeling is not necessarily a fact.  Disrupt the loop in your brain.  A suggestion would be to refuse to look up the symptom fisorders, and instead do something healthy and calming.  Walk.  Knit.  Bake. 

 

Benzo withdrawal looks like a lot of disorders.  It’s withdrawal. 

[[ki...]]

hi fuerza,

 

be easy on yourself friend. its all a part of the process. you sound like your relationships were pretty healthy before benzos and now that you are coming off you are going through withdrawal symptoms. although they suck, its actually normal. you effectively rewired your brain with benzos, and your brain is trying to rewire itself again back to its original state. that is going to cause a wide array of symptoms at different times and intensities.

 

hang in there fuerza. you are on your way to healing

[[fu...]]

I experience quite severe mania at one point and would crash from a manic spell, so it looked a lot like Bipolar Disorder. It took a bit of a perfect storm, to be honest. I was withdrawing too quickly but didn't really know it, because I couldn't reconcile feeling great with reducing too quickly. Also, I had to move back to my parents and I have an abusive father who confused the living crap out of me with his erratic behaviour. But yeah, I felt it. At times I have felt autistic... like completely out of tune with normal thoughts and emotions. Some psychotic symptoms at times. I'd call these psychiatric disorders rather than personality disorders but I think this is the sort of thing you're getting at.

 

I believe they are a sign that you are withdrawing too quickly and trying to take on too much while you're going through the process. I have since moved to eradicate stress as much as possible and tapered slowly with long holds. It took me a long time to shake off the lingering effects of these horrible spells where I was not myself. I guess I still have a bit of shaking off to do but I'm not affected on a day to day basis.

 

I'm so sorry. Can really relate to some of the things you mentioned, especially feeling autisic. I'm doing an incredibly slow taper, so it's probably already tolerance withdrawal.

[[fu...]]

Hi fuerza

 

Benzo use and withdrawal can make anyone seem mentally or psychologically ill.  Your system is completely dysregulated.  Trust your doctors conclusion. 

 

Also , it’s a very ocd symptom to hyper focus on a problem.  Often the problem is not really there.  It’s ocd behaviour.  I know.  I do that.  The more I do it, the stronger it gets.  I have to crack through it.  I have to STOP doing the thing.  I suggest you completely distract from this thinking to very different thinking.  Remember, a fear or thought or belief or feeling is not necessarily a fact.  Disrupt the loop in your brain.  A suggestion would be to refuse to look up the symptom fisorders, and instead do something healthy and calming.  Walk.  Knit.  Bake. 

 

Benzo withdrawal looks like a lot of disorders.  It’s withdrawal.

 

Ironically, my OCD revolves around harm and being a narcissist/sociopath/whatever. I try to distract but the problem rears it's head when I'm talking to by SO or family, and the emotional dysregulation and splitting really does happen. I try to breathe and just watch British panel shows to keep my mind occupied.

[[fu...]]

hi fuerza,

 

be easy on yourself friend. its all a part of the process. you sound like your relationships were pretty healthy before benzos and now that you are coming off you are going through withdrawal symptoms. although they suck, its actually normal. you effectively rewired your brain with benzos, and your brain is trying to rewire itself again back to its original state. that is going to cause a wide array of symptoms at different times and intensities.

 

hang in there fuerza. you are on your way to healing

 

My relationship with my mom was strained and just after 5 months of the beginning of my first real long-term relationship, I was already drugged. I'm worried about not having a proper reference point relationship-wise and am extremely worried this is my true form. I'm praying to god it isn't but I've seen the same behaviours with my SO as with my mother on my side. I guess I'll never know until I've been free for at least a few years.

[[ki...]]

hi fuerza,

 

be easy on yourself friend. its all a part of the process. you sound like your relationships were pretty healthy before benzos and now that you are coming off you are going through withdrawal symptoms. although they suck, its actually normal. you effectively rewired your brain with benzos, and your brain is trying to rewire itself again back to its original state. that is going to cause a wide array of symptoms at different times and intensities.

 

hang in there fuerza. you are on your way to healing

 

My relationship with my mom was strained and just after 5 months of the beginning of my first real long-term relationship, I was already drugged. I'm worried about not having a proper reference point relationship-wise and am extremely worried this is my true form. I'm praying to god it isn't but I've seen the same behaviours with my SO as with my mother on my side. I guess I'll never know until I've been free for at least a few years.

 

i hear you loud and clear. i dont think your current state is who you actually are and agree that you wont know until you have been free from the poison for a bit. There is likely going to be a learning curve, and to be honest, i am scared of that curve as well for myself. I have some reference but it didnt help that i am enduring this at a time where people started to drift apart, get married, and go their own direction. Its confusing as to how much of this would have happened organically and how much was induced by myself.

 

If you are seeing things from your relationship with your mom seeping into your relationship with your SO, that is potentially a sign of something deeper that needs to be discussed with a therapist. its very common to have emotional baggage rear its ugly head in places it shouldnt. doesnt mean youre a bad person, just means you need to get to the bottom of it and determine how to acknowledge it and diffuse it's power.

[[di...]]

I experienced quite severe mania at one point and would crash from a manic spell, so it looked a lot like Bipolar Disorder. It took a bit of a perfect storm, to be honest. I was withdrawing too quickly but didn't really know it, because I couldn't reconcile feeling great with reducing too quickly. Also, I had to move back to my parents and I have an abusive father who confused the living crap out of me with his erratic behaviour. But yeah, I felt it. At times I have felt autistic... like completely out of tune with normal thoughts and emotions. Some psychotic symptoms at times. I'd call these psychiatric disorders rather than personality disorders but I think this is the sort of thing you're getting at.

 

I believe they are a sign that you are withdrawing too quickly and trying to take on too much while you're going through the process. I have since moved to eradicate stress as much as possible and tapered slowly with long holds. It took me a long time to shake off the lingering effects of these horrible spells where I was not myself. I guess I still have a bit of shaking off to do but I'm not affected on a day to day basis.

 

I'm so sorry. Can really relate to some of the things you mentioned, especially feeling autisic. I'm doing an incredibly slow taper, so it's probably already tolerance withdrawal.

Thanks. Like I said, I'm doing so much better now. If there's a positive to going through all of that, it sways me towards being more cautious in this process. I can be quite impatient and at times I think I would have tried to reduce quicker... I'm really glad that I didn't. I still live at my parents (it got so bad I had to stay with my uncle for a short while, but now I am back) and I can't afford to get too unstable because unfortunately, even with what I am going through, I have to be the bigger person when it comes to my relationship with my dad. He spews ignorant and offensive nonsense about basically everything but it's a mistake to try and contradict him. Whereas I can't say the wrong thing without causing a fracas. So I have to tell myself that I need to take my time to get well properly because even though it doesn't feel like it, that is the quickest way that I get back on my own two feet and ensure I never have to come back again. I'll feel a little guilty because I've seen the manipulative crap he pulls on my mother. I went from living alone, not going out much for the last couple of years in tolerance withdrawals to this chaotic, nonsensical and emotionally loaded family dynamic while in real benzo withdrawals. I'm lucky that even when I was seriously unwell, I knew that what I was experiencing was extreme and it wouldn't always be like that. A sort of temporary self-aware insanity. Oh, that's another thing that really went at one point. It ties in with the mania but my inhibitions were so low. I felt like I was being scrutinised with absolutely everything I did, controversial or not. By way of reaction, I developed this pattern of surprising/inappropriate/shocking behaviour. I wanted to make people uncomfortable so that they might intervene. I also wanted to show that I wasn't going to be held down. But here I am trying to describe reasons that weren't put together with normal logic and there's something missing in the translation. I remember snippets, specific things that I did and why. Overall mindset is hard to remember, I guess partly because it would change all the time in response to things happening around me. Also because overwhelmingly, I was just really really hurting and really really confused. Now I'm not hurting so much and definitely not in a confused state, but still confused about what happened. Confused because I had a number of interactions with people who know me well along with health services and nobody identified that there was a very big problem apart from my dad. But he's the one who caused the problem and he decided to take a swing at me (I was able to sway out of the way) before imploring me to go to the doctors about my mental health, which seemed even more wrong than it does now. Now the crap my dad pulls mainly revolves around trying to rake up the past. He denies having taken a swing at me... I don't talk about it ever but he always brings it up. He'll also say things like "I wouldn't do anything different". He's seeking a reaction from me but I checked out emotionally a long time ago. I view him as a sociopath. I don't believe a word that he says and I assume everything he does is for effect... I don't let him have the satisfaction. And I no longer give a shit what he tells people because nobody really takes him seriously.

 

That felt good to get out... but it's enough 

 

The autistic thing is really weird. I couldn't do it justice with the description and to be honest, I can't really remember what it felt like. I'm sure you will but please be careful not to push too hard in the face of these symptoms. If you're like me, you'll be able to handle them up to a point. You do kinda get used to it. The problem comes when something tips you over the edge. Apparently I can do a decent impression of a normal person sometimes when I'm really tweaked. It means that nobody knows that I need help pulling back from the edge and I can't help myself.

 

 

[[fu...]]

hi fuerza,

 

be easy on yourself friend. its all a part of the process. you sound like your relationships were pretty healthy before benzos and now that you are coming off you are going through withdrawal symptoms. although they suck, its actually normal. you effectively rewired your brain with benzos, and your brain is trying to rewire itself again back to its original state. that is going to cause a wide array of symptoms at different times and intensities.

 

hang in there fuerza. you are on your way to healing

 

My relationship with my mom was strained and just after 5 months of the beginning of my first real long-term relationship, I was already drugged. I'm worried about not having a proper reference point relationship-wise and am extremely worried this is my true form. I'm praying to god it isn't but I've seen the same behaviours with my SO as with my mother on my side. I guess I'll never know until I've been free for at least a few years.

 

i hear you loud and clear. i dont think your current state is who you actually are and agree that you wont know until you have been free from the poison for a bit. There is likely going to be a learning curve, and to be honest, i am scared of that curve as well for myself. I have some reference but it didnt help that i am enduring this at a time where people started to drift apart, get married, and go their own direction. Its confusing as to how much of this would have happened organically and how much was induced by myself.

 

If you are seeing things from your relationship with your mom seeping into your relationship with your SO, that is potentially a sign of something deeper that needs to be discussed with a therapist. its very common to have emotional baggage rear its ugly head in places it shouldnt. doesnt mean youre a bad person, just means you need to get to the bottom of it and determine how to acknowledge it and diffuse it's power.

 

Definitely baggage there, I noticed it in my behaviours a few years ago. I've discussed it with my therapist a lot. Maybe I should just bring it up again and also discuss the possibility of working through medication trauma which I have not addressed fully before. I seriously feel like my life was just taken from me in a day and I feel a lot of resentment and other ugly emotions because of it. Thank you for being so kind and discussing!

[[fu...]]

I experienced quite severe mania at one point and would crash from a manic spell, so it looked a lot like Bipolar Disorder. It took a bit of a perfect storm, to be honest. I was withdrawing too quickly but didn't really know it, because I couldn't reconcile feeling great with reducing too quickly. Also, I had to move back to my parents and I have an abusive father who confused the living crap out of me with his erratic behaviour. But yeah, I felt it. At times I have felt autistic... like completely out of tune with normal thoughts and emotions. Some psychotic symptoms at times. I'd call these psychiatric disorders rather than personality disorders but I think this is the sort of thing you're getting at.

 

I believe they are a sign that you are withdrawing too quickly and trying to take on too much while you're going through the process. I have since moved to eradicate stress as much as possible and tapered slowly with long holds. It took me a long time to shake off the lingering effects of these horrible spells where I was not myself. I guess I still have a bit of shaking off to do but I'm not affected on a day to day basis.

 

I'm so sorry. Can really relate to some of the things you mentioned, especially feeling autisic. I'm doing an incredibly slow taper, so it's probably already tolerance withdrawal.

Thanks. Like I said, I'm doing so much better now. If there's a positive to going through all of that, it sways me towards being more cautious in this process. I can be quite impatient and at times I think I would have tried to reduce quicker... I'm really glad that I didn't. I still live at my parents (it got so bad I had to stay with my uncle for a short while, but now I am back) and I can't afford to get too unstable because unfortunately, even with what I am going through, I have to be the bigger person when it comes to my relationship with my dad. He spews ignorant and offensive nonsense about basically everything but it's a mistake to try and contradict him. Whereas I can't say the wrong thing without causing a fracas. So I have to tell myself that I need to take my time to get well properly because even though it doesn't feel like it, that is the quickest way that I get back on my own two feet and ensure I never have to come back again. I'll feel a little guilty because I've seen the manipulative crap he pulls on my mother. I went from living alone, not going out much for the last couple of years in tolerance withdrawals to this chaotic, nonsensical and emotionally loaded family dynamic while in real benzo withdrawals. I'm lucky that even when I was seriously unwell, I knew that what I was experiencing was extreme and it wouldn't always be like that. A sort of temporary self-aware insanity. Oh, that's another thing that really went at one point. It ties in with the mania but my inhibitions were so low. I felt like I was being scrutinised with absolutely everything I did, controversial or not. By way of reaction, I developed this pattern of surprising/inappropriate/shocking behaviour. I wanted to make people uncomfortable so that they might intervene. I also wanted to show that I wasn't going to be held down. But here I am trying to describe reasons that weren't put together with normal logic and there's something missing in the translation. I remember snippets, specific things that I did and why. Overall mindset is hard to remember, I guess partly because it would change all the time in response to things happening around me. Also because overwhelmingly, I was just really really hurting and really really confused. Now I'm not hurting so much and definitely not in a confused state, but still confused about what happened. Confused because I had a number of interactions with people who know me well along with health services and nobody identified that there was a very big problem apart from my dad. But he's the one who caused the problem and he decided to take a swing at me (I was able to sway out of the way) before imploring me to go to the doctors about my mental health, which seemed even more wrong than it does now. Now the crap my dad pulls mainly revolves around trying to rake up the past. He denies having taken a swing at me... I don't talk about it ever but he always brings it up. He'll also say things like "I wouldn't do anything different". He's seeking a reaction from me but I checked out emotionally a long time ago. I view him as a sociopath. I don't believe a word that he says and I assume everything he does is for effect... I don't let him have the satisfaction. And I no longer give a shit what he tells people because nobody really takes him seriously.

 

That felt good to get out... but it's enough 

 

The autistic thing is really weird. I couldn't do it justice with the description and to be honest, I can't really remember what it felt like. I'm sure you will but please be careful not to push too hard in the face of these symptoms. If you're like me, you'll be able to handle them up to a point. You do kinda get used to it. The problem comes when something tips you over the edge. Apparently I can do a decent impression of a normal person sometimes when I'm really tweaked. It means that nobody knows that I need help pulling back from the edge and I can't help myself.

 

Good for you for being to shut out people who are toxic to you. My mom and I have agreed not to discuss life as it always turns into a complete cluster****.

 

I already tipped over. I was sure I was going to kill my cat, my SO, and myself in a fit of impulse. Turns out it's pure OCD. However, I lived in that fear for at least a month. My rage issues have also gotten so bad. Maybe that's what tipped me over. Because there is genuine white-hot rage in me, plenty. However, as my psychiatrist pointed out, there's a bit of a difference between throwing my phone against the wall and going on a killing spree. I'm also currently staying at my parents' and trying to figure out what the hell happened to me. It's been months now, so the very much real stressors are freaking me out too. I've become very antisocial, I've seen my SO during the last three months, and then there's the personal questions whether I'll ever be able to feel normally again, or if it's just rage, hatred and despair 'til the end of days.

[[de...]]

I can relate. My relationships were always good - in fact the best feedback I continually get from others is what a kind person I am, how I can strike up a conversation with everyone, how I always got good feedback from coworkers and bosses.

 

And now this. It's like I hate people. I don't feel any love inside me whatsoever. It's heartbreaking. Just 2 weeks ago I felt it. And now I don't.

 

My moods change rapidly. I cling to loved ones but then don't want them around. I was not like this before.

[[Sc...]]

Hey all! I know it's unpopular to take any diagnoses during withdrawal or even to acknowledge psychiatric diagnoses but I really feel there's something very wrong. I had BPD traits before any medicine but I've always had close and stabile friendships, I've never tried to take my life or harm myself and I was emotional but could ground myself. However, I now feel like I've got full-blown borderline personality disorder. I cannot deal at all. I get angry with loved ones so fast and the cycling is absolutely insane. I feel like a stranger to myself because I don't have any logical beliefs to hold onto. Everything is clouded by some really dark thoughts and feelings. It's just constant Jekyll and Hyde, and it's ruining my relationships.

I'm no pro, but absolutely, you took the thoughts right out if my brain. Sorry you are suffering. But glad is normal & am not alone. Thanks for sharing & all this great feedback is helping many, I'm sure.

Good luck, SC

[[fu...]]

I can relate. My relationships were always good - in fact the best feedback I continually get from others is what a kind person I am, how I can strike up a conversation with everyone, how I always got good feedback from coworkers and bosses.

 

And now this. It's like I hate people. I don't feel any love inside me whatsoever. It's heartbreaking. Just 2 weeks ago I felt it. And now I don't.

 

My moods change rapidly. I cling to loved ones but then don't want them around. I was not like this before.

 

Exactly the same here. I feel like I'm living with someone else's brain ATM. I hope we both get your true selves back soon.

[[fu...]]

Hey all! I know it's unpopular to take any diagnoses during withdrawal or even to acknowledge psychiatric diagnoses but I really feel there's something very wrong. I had BPD traits before any medicine but I've always had close and stabile friendships, I've never tried to take my life or harm myself and I was emotional but could ground myself. However, I now feel like I've got full-blown borderline personality disorder. I cannot deal at all. I get angry with loved ones so fast and the cycling is absolutely insane. I feel like a stranger to myself because I don't have any logical beliefs to hold onto. Everything is clouded by some really dark thoughts and feelings. It's just constant Jekyll and Hyde, and it's ruining my relationships.

I'm no pro, but absolutely, you took the thoughts right out if my brain. Sorry you are suffering. But glad is normal & am not alone. Thanks for sharing & all this great feedback is helping many, I'm sure.

Good luck, SC

 

Im sorry you're going through the same nightmare. I'm wishing you all the best on this journey <3

[[di...]]

I experienced quite severe mania at one point and would crash from a manic spell, so it looked a lot like Bipolar Disorder. It took a bit of a perfect storm, to be honest. I was withdrawing too quickly but didn't really know it, because I couldn't reconcile feeling great with reducing too quickly. Also, I had to move back to my parents and I have an abusive father who confused the living crap out of me with his erratic behaviour. But yeah, I felt it. At times I have felt autistic... like completely out of tune with normal thoughts and emotions. Some psychotic symptoms at times. I'd call these psychiatric disorders rather than personality disorders but I think this is the sort of thing you're getting at.

 

I believe they are a sign that you are withdrawing too quickly and trying to take on too much while you're going through the process. I have since moved to eradicate stress as much as possible and tapered slowly with long holds. It took me a long time to shake off the lingering effects of these horrible spells where I was not myself. I guess I still have a bit of shaking off to do but I'm not affected on a day to day basis.

 

I'm so sorry. Can really relate to some of the things you mentioned, especially feeling autisic. I'm doing an incredibly slow taper, so it's probably already tolerance withdrawal.

Thanks. Like I said, I'm doing so much better now. If there's a positive to going through all of that, it sways me towards being more cautious in this process. I can be quite impatient and at times I think I would have tried to reduce quicker... I'm really glad that I didn't. I still live at my parents (it got so bad I had to stay with my uncle for a short while, but now I am back) and I can't afford to get too unstable because unfortunately, even with what I am going through, I have to be the bigger person when it comes to my relationship with my dad. He spews ignorant and offensive nonsense about basically everything but it's a mistake to try and contradict him. Whereas I can't say the wrong thing without causing a fracas. So I have to tell myself that I need to take my time to get well properly because even though it doesn't feel like it, that is the quickest way that I get back on my own two feet and ensure I never have to come back again. I'll feel a little guilty because I've seen the manipulative crap he pulls on my mother. I went from living alone, not going out much for the last couple of years in tolerance withdrawals to this chaotic, nonsensical and emotionally loaded family dynamic while in real benzo withdrawals. I'm lucky that even when I was seriously unwell, I knew that what I was experiencing was extreme and it wouldn't always be like that. A sort of temporary self-aware insanity. Oh, that's another thing that really went at one point. It ties in with the mania but my inhibitions were so low. I felt like I was being scrutinised with absolutely everything I did, controversial or not. By way of reaction, I developed this pattern of surprising/inappropriate/shocking behaviour. I wanted to make people uncomfortable so that they might intervene. I also wanted to show that I wasn't going to be held down. But here I am trying to describe reasons that weren't put together with normal logic and there's something missing in the translation. I remember snippets, specific things that I did and why. Overall mindset is hard to remember, I guess partly because it would change all the time in response to things happening around me. Also because overwhelmingly, I was just really really hurting and really really confused. Now I'm not hurting so much and definitely not in a confused state, but still confused about what happened. Confused because I had a number of interactions with people who know me well along with health services and nobody identified that there was a very big problem apart from my dad. But he's the one who caused the problem and he decided to take a swing at me (I was able to sway out of the way) before imploring me to go to the doctors about my mental health, which seemed even more wrong than it does now. Now the crap my dad pulls mainly revolves around trying to rake up the past. He denies having taken a swing at me... I don't talk about it ever but he always brings it up. He'll also say things like "I wouldn't do anything different". He's seeking a reaction from me but I checked out emotionally a long time ago. I view him as a sociopath. I don't believe a word that he says and I assume everything he does is for effect... I don't let him have the satisfaction. And I no longer give a shit what he tells people because nobody really takes him seriously.

 

That felt good to get out... but it's enough 

 

The autistic thing is really weird. I couldn't do it justice with the description and to be honest, I can't really remember what it felt like. I'm sure you will but please be careful not to push too hard in the face of these symptoms. If you're like me, you'll be able to handle them up to a point. You do kinda get used to it. The problem comes when something tips you over the edge. Apparently I can do a decent impression of a normal person sometimes when I'm really tweaked. It means that nobody knows that I need help pulling back from the edge and I can't help myself.

 

Good for you for being to shut out people who are toxic to you. My mom and I have agreed not to discuss life as it always turns into a complete cluster****.

 

I already tipped over. I was sure I was going to kill my cat, my SO, and myself in a fit of impulse. Turns out it's pure OCD. However, I lived in that fear for at least a month. My rage issues have also gotten so bad. Maybe that's what tipped me over. Because there is genuine white-hot rage in me, plenty. However, as my psychiatrist pointed out, there's a bit of a difference between throwing my phone against the wall and going on a killing spree. I'm also currently staying at my parents' and trying to figure out what the hell happened to me. It's been months now, so the very much real stressors are freaking me out too. I've become very antisocial, I've seen my SO during the last three months, and then there's the personal questions whether I'll ever be able to feel normally again, or if it's just rage, hatred and despair 'til the end of days.

You sound exactly like me 6 months ago. I was fantasising about violence. I was wishing for my dad to dare cross the line (didn't have a definition of what that would be but figured I'd know when I saw it) so that I could clock him on the jaw and not feel too bad about it. I wanted bad things to happen to him. Even though I think he deserves a punch even now, those thoughts don't belong to the real me. Lots of people deserve a punch for things they have done but nobody has the right to dish it out. That's my real self talking. At the time, I was pretty adamant that it was going to happen, a mix of wanting it to happen and believing that it was inevitable. Ultimately, there was a flash point which fortunately was not so bad that I saw the red mist but was bad enough that I acted out. He'd taken to obstructing me, cornering me physically with his body positioning and I was seeing this pattern. This time he blocked off a doorway and swayed from side to side as I tried to work my way around him. So I dropped my shoulder onto his and barged through rather than squeezing through. This time my mum saw what he'd done which was important as she wouldn't be drawn when I'd previously complained. It sounds bad how it went down, and it obviously isn't great. I'm glad it happened like that, though. I'm figuring that up until that point - especially since I didn't swing back when he swung at me - it didn't occur to him that I have it in me to strike him under some circumstances. Neither of us are cut out for fighting, his bullying is on the psychological level and he only uses his physical presence to enhance that. It works way better than it would if I wasn't going through withdrawals. Anyway, I learned in that moment that I don't really want to hit anybody and I felt relieved for that. He hasn't pulled the blocking/cornering crap since then and his words mean nothing to me.

 

I went on a tangent but just wanted to give that detail to show that you're not alone going to those dark places. It's alright to be antisocial and probably even preferable on many levels given where you're at. I can keep the side of me that I don't recognise under some control when I am alone and avoid over-stimulation. I'm not ashamed that I can't easily keep it under wraps if someone starts pushing my buttons for no apparent reason other than some twisted desire to prey upon and dominate the weak. Do what you need to do and care less what others think when you can help it. I try my best to get along despite everything, not looking to score points or anything so petty and I'm not looking to defend myself for things I am accused of without foundation.

[[Ol...]]

I hear you in this regard. I have always been a somewhat shy and self-conscious but since I started getting to the low level of my taper it feels like full on Avoidant Personality Disorder with a side of random irritability and frustration over my cognitive deficits. I try not to focus on it but I live with my family and am not working so I feel even more self-conscious because I feel I am leaching off my family . I have to remind myself that is not the case all the time. It sucks for sure

[[fu...]]

I hear you in this regard. I have always been a somewhat shy and self-conscious but since I started getting to the low level of my taper it feels like full on Avoidant Personality Disorder with a side of random irritability and frustration over my cognitive deficits. I try not to focus on it but I live with my family and am not working so I feel even more self-conscious because I feel I am leaching off my family . I have to remind myself that is not the case all the time. It sucks for sure

 

I'm so sorry to hear. It seems that in withdrawal every negative thing goes way out of proportion and every positive just shrinks or disappears.