Jump to content
Important Survey - Please Participate ×

Worst day yet. Reaching out for support.


[...]

Recommended Posts

It's not been an easy six months. Today is by far the worst day I've had so far. I waited for a month to do a cut because last month was so brutal.

 

I was feeling pretty good. I cut .0625 off of my xanax dose. That was well within the range. The sx were pretty bad so I thought fine, I'll cut .0625 more since I feel horrible anyway, for a total of .125 which is what I have done for the last few cuts.

 

It has been brutal. Really brutal. Migraines, can't think, can't function. I dried my hair with the hair dryer this morning and I hadn't washed it. I mean... I've felt out to lunch before but today is a new low. I have a horrible migraine and my brain is mush. I refuse to updose. I'm just going to hope it improves.

 

I can still get some sleep with the help of the gabapentin so at least there's that. I talk to my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. The last time I spoke to him he suggested that I hold for awhile. If I survive this cut, I'm going to hold for a couple of months.

 

My doc is retiring in August so I have an appointment with a new doc in July. I'm going to talk to him about maybe switching over to valium since I've reached the 1 mg mark which was a big goal for me. (I'm down from 2 and a half mgs and it's been almost six months since I started the taper)

 

Now, I just need to find a way to survive this cut. I can't even describe how bad I feel. Any support would be appreciated, any advice will be considered. I just am not going to updose unless it gets so bad that I think I would have to be hospitalized. In previous months, it usually gets better after the first week. I'm five days in so I'm hoping for a turn around.

 

As for why I don't just do smaller cuts. It doesn't seem to help. If I cut less, I still suffer. I don't have the brain power to do a micro taper. Also, my doctor doesn't have a lot of experience with this so he's not willing to prescribe a liquid or anything like that. 

 

Kind words would help. This is torture, as I'm sure many of you know. I do think I'll survive it but I just need some support from the group. Thanks. :-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just felt like I wanted to offer something but I know it’s not what you want to hear.  I am just amazed at how fast your taper has gone.  I’m almost two years trying to get as far as you did in a few months.  It always took some time after a cut for me to do better so is  it possible you don’t give it enough time to see if you really would feel better after a smaller cut?  That’s all I have to offer.  I wish I had more.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just felt like I wanted to offer something but I know it’s not what you want to hear.  I am just amazed at how fast your taper has gone.  I’m almost two years trying to get as far as you did in a few months.  It always took some time after a cut for me to do better so is  it possible you don’t give it enough time to see if you really would feel better after a smaller cut?  That’s all I have to offer.  I wish I had more.

 

Actually, that's super helpful. In my mind I feel I am going slow and dragging along. I needed to hear that. My doc has been trying to tell me that but I don't trust doctors because I was never told that this stuff caused dependance in the first place. But, I know I have to get over that. That thinking will only hold me back. Thanks! :-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry about what you're going through. I think you would benefit from switching to Valium, as you seem to be considering. You should wait until such a time that you feel stable on the dose of Xanax you are taking. There may be an adjustment phase where you don't feel well at all but it will be worth it in the long run. It gets harder to keep your blood levels steady the lower your dose of Xanax is. Valium will help that. You may find it is a lot easier in comparison to what you're going through now.

 

You said "... I'll cut .0625 more since I feel horrible anyway". My advice is to avoid this line of reasoning in future. Bad symptoms = slow down... not speed up. Stick where you are at for now. It wasn't the best decision IMO but it's not going to be the difference between success and failure. It's done now. You will get better, it's just a case of waiting it out. Recognise that this was pushing it and that's why you are feeling it. Focusing on the positive, when you start to feel better (it is "when", not "if") then that's significant progress in the bank.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry about what you're going through. I think you would benefit from switching to Valium, as you seem to be considering. You should wait until such a time that you feel stable on the dose of Xanax you are taking. There may be an adjustment phase where you don't feel well at all but it will be worth it in the long run. It gets harder to keep your blood levels steady the lower your dose of Xanax is. Valium will help that. You may find it is a lot easier in comparison to what you're going through now.

 

You said "... I'll cut .0625 more since I feel horrible anyway". My advice is to avoid this line of reasoning in future. Bad symptoms = slow down... not speed up. Stick where you are at for now. It wasn't the best decision IMO but it's not going to be the difference between success and failure. It's done now. You will get better, it's just a case of waiting it out. Recognise that this was pushing it and that's why you are feeling it. Focusing on the positive, when you start to feel better (it is "when", not "if") then that's significant progress in the bank.

Thanks a lot. That's really helpful. I'm definitely going to take a couple of months to get stable and then hopefully I can make the switch to Valium at some point and taper from there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi SRR,

 

Nothing worth anything was ever easy but pat yourself on the back for taking the initiative to rid yourself of this poison. My attention is pointing to the switch in doctors. i hope this turns out to be a blessing because i find it a struggle under normal circumstances to switch doctors. Dont despair though. if you're having trouble organizing thoughts, write everything down and reorganize so that you can quickly and effectively bring that new doc up to speed.

 

hang in there. youre making the right moves. it might feel like youre being punished for them but youre not. you will get better!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi SRR,

 

Nothing worth anything was ever easy but pat yourself on the back for taking the initiative to rid yourself of this poison. My attention is pointing to the switch in doctors. i hope this turns out to be a blessing because i find it a struggle under normal circumstances to switch doctors. Dont despair though. if you're having trouble organizing thoughts, write everything down and reorganize so that you can quickly and effectively bring that new doc up to speed.

 

hang in there. youre making the right moves. it might feel like youre being punished for them but you're not. you will get better!

Thanks for the kind words. I'm terrified about switching doctors. I've had the same one for ten years. I didn't know he was retiring until I'd started the taper. He didn't want me to not do it because of that. I'm glad I've managed to do this. Hopefully, the new doc will be helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Slow down.  Your taper is so rapid.  Your cuts are so big.  The idea is to avoid suffering.  Smaller reductions and wait until symptoms settle more.  I know your doctor is retiring and won’t prescribe compounds.  I hope your new doctor is more open.  Switching to Valium at the end of your taper may be difficult.  There will be an adjustment period.  Ashton doesn’t recommend switching over if you can taper from your original med.  But you can figure that out later.  You can also compound your present benzo and taper slower, without having to switch to Valium.  I feel for you.  It’s so brutal to feel as sick as you do.  In time, hopefully soon, you’ll feel better.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Cberg. You are going SUPER fast. I took 2 years to taper off of xanax. I thought I would be done at 8 months, but no, that didn't work.

 

I jumped 2 weeks ago. I did the liquid taper. Well, I shouldn't say "the" liquid taper, because it seems that implies the "1 mg benzo + 2 mL vodka + 8 ml water" liquid, and that's not what I did at all.

 

Using your signature, I calculated all the percentages and time between each cut:

2 1/2 mgs zanax daily for 14 years. 

December 2019 cut 1/2 mg  20% 2mg

Jan 2020 cut .25          12.5% 1.75 mg 1 month

Feb 20 cut .25            14% 1.5 mg 1 month

March 22 cut .125            8% 1.375 mg         1 month

April 3 cut .125           9% 1.25 mg 2 weeks

April 30 cut .125 10% 1.125 mg         1 month

May 27 cut .0625   6% 1.0625 1 month

May 29 cut .0625   6% 1 mg       2 days

 

My recommendation is, hold off a bit until you feel better. I held a number of times in my taper, and I did always feel better. Even if I had to hold for 6 months, I did feel better.

 

You may feel like this shouldn't be so hard. Don't feel that way. Some of my friends told me I was being ridiculous tapering so slowly. I have lots of friends who will ask me for my opinion on their life, or decisions that they need to make, or simply a "how does this work?" question (because I'm a know-it-all), and even those friends were like, "you're *still* doing that??"

 

Yes, I'm still doing that. Because it's a slow and tedious process. And I have a job that I need to function at. That's how I answered myself, at least.

 

But yeah, my recommendation is to hold it a bit if you can. I did not switch to valium, so I don't know what that is like. I tapered off xanax the entire way down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I noticed we started at a similar level of Xanax and took similar jumps.  I started at a daily 2mg dose over 7 years ago (I think - my memory sucks).  I had to go off all meds two days prior to a medical procedure and went into full blown withdrawal...the only reason I'm here now, I guess I should be grateful for that.

 

I began by taking .5 mg off my total dose and divided the remainder into 3 doses a day.  10 days later I took .25 mg off, and that was really painful....I'm still stabilizing.

 

So although I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, you are not alone.  And the responses you have gotten from more experienced members have helped me as well.

 

Tomorrow I pick up my .25mg pills which I hope will allow me to cut much more gradually.  As much as I want this poison out of my body NOW, I will try to be patient with myself and do it in a slow and humane way.  Good luck, I hope your taper goes well and I look forward to seeing you on the "Success Story" side.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Cberg. You are going SUPER fast. I took 2 years to taper off of xanax. I thought I would be done at 8 months, but no, that didn't work.

 

I jumped 2 weeks ago. I did the liquid taper. Well, I shouldn't say "the" liquid taper, because it seems that implies the "1 mg benzo + 2 mL vodka + 8 ml water" liquid, and that's not what I did at all.

 

Using your signature, I calculated all the percentages and time between each cut:

2 1/2 mgs zanax daily for 14 years. 

December 2019 cut 1/2 mg  20% 2mg

Jan 2020 cut .25          12.5% 1.75 mg 1 month

Feb 20 cut .25            14% 1.5 mg 1 month

March 22 cut .125            8% 1.375 mg         1 month

April 3 cut .125           9% 1.25 mg 2 weeks

April 30 cut .125 10% 1.125 mg         1 month

May 27 cut .0625   6% 1.0625 1 month

May 29 cut .0625   6% 1 mg       2 days

 

My recommendation is, hold off a bit until you feel better. I held a number of times in my taper, and I did always feel better. Even if I had to hold for 6 months, I did feel better.

 

You may feel like this shouldn't be so hard. Don't feel that way. Some of my friends told me I was being ridiculous tapering so slowly. I have lots of friends who will ask me for my opinion on their life, or decisions that they need to make, or simply a "how does this work?" question (because I'm a know-it-all), and even those friends were like, "you're *still* doing that??"

 

Yes, I'm still doing that. Because it's a slow and tedious process. And I have a job that I need to function at. That's how I answered myself, at least.

 

But yeah, my recommendation is to hold it a bit if you can. I did not switch to valium, so I don't know what that is like. I tapered off xanax the entire way down.

 

Thank you so much for doing the math for me! My brain couldn't figure it out. I really appreciate the advice. I'm going to give myself a couple of months to just try and recover a bit. Thank you! 🌞🌻

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Slow down.  Your taper is so rapid.  Your cuts are so big.  The idea is to avoid suffering.  Smaller reductions and wait until symptoms settle more.  I know your doctor is retiring and won’t prescribe compounds.  I hope your new doctor is more open.  Switching to Valium at the end of your taper may be difficult.  There will be an adjustment period.  Ashton doesn’t recommend switching over if you can taper from your original med.  But you can figure that out later.  You can also compound your present benzo and taper slower, without having to switch to Valium.  I feel for you.  It’s so brutal to feel as sick as you do.  In time, hopefully soon, you’ll feel better.

Thank you! I really don't want to switch, I thought you were supposed to at a certain point. That's a relief. I really just want to slow down and then taper more slowly once I'm stable again. 🤗

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I noticed we started at a similar level of Xanax and took similar jumps.  I started at a daily 2mg dose over 7 years ago (I think - my memory sucks).  I had to go off all meds two days prior to a medical procedure and went into full blown withdrawal...the only reason I'm here now, I guess I should be grateful for that.

 

I began by taking .5 mg off my total dose and divided the remainder into 3 doses a day.  10 days later I took .25 mg off, and that was really painful....I'm still stabilizing.

 

So although I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, you are not alone.  And the responses you have gotten from more experienced members have helped me as well.

 

Tomorrow I pick up my .25mg pills which I hope will allow me to cut much more gradually.  As much as I want this poison out of my body NOW, I will try to be patient with myself and do it in a slow and humane way.  Good luck, I hope your taper goes well and I look forward to seeing you on the "Success Story" side.

Yes, we do seem to be on a similar taper. I'm definitely going to slow it down. I hit a wall with this last cut and need to recover! I love the .25 pills! I was struggling with the 1mg pills and making a mess. It's so much easier now! 🤗

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi SRR,

 

Nothing worth anything was ever easy but pat yourself on the back for taking the initiative to rid yourself of this poison. My attention is pointing to the switch in doctors. i hope this turns out to be a blessing because i find it a struggle under normal circumstances to switch doctors. Dont despair though. if you're having trouble organizing thoughts, write everything down and reorganize so that you can quickly and effectively bring that new doc up to speed.

 

hang in there. youre making the right moves. it might feel like youre being punished for them but youre not. you will get better!

 

Thanks for the kind words, it really helps! :-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey I'm doing similar cuts from clonazepam (dose equal to Xanax) I cut 2 weeks ago from .25 to .125 and still feel like garbage . I know its not advice but sometimes hearing that someone else is in the same boat can make you feel better and less alone. Our brains are healing and it's rough but be good to yourself it will get better and moment at a time

All the best

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello

 

First of all, take a deep breath. Take a few deep breaths, try this for a few minutes to regain your composure.. Everything will be OK.. You're not dying and you're obviously functioning at some level to be able to write down your message.

 

I would suggest NOT updosing as this would only draw out the process. Try to take things very slowly if you can. Have you tried any relaxation exercises? They're great for making us feel better.. I know it can be hard to get any relaxation during this period but I insist that you try deep breathing.

 

I see that you've come down quite a lot in your taper over the past few months.. Perhaps you could consider holding for a short while? I did and there's no shame in it. I held for over 10 weeks last year and it made me feel a whole lot better.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey I'm doing similar cuts from clonazepam (dose equal to Xanax) I cut 2 weeks ago from .25 to .125 and still feel like garbage . I know its not advice but sometimes hearing that someone else is in the same boat can make you feel better and less alone. Our brains are healing and it's rough but be good to yourself it will get better and moment at a time

All the best

Thanks! It does help to know I'm not alone. I'm finally feeling better on day 8. Whew. Won't do that again. I'm doing small cuts from now on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello

 

First of all, take a deep breath. Take a few deep breaths, try this for a few minutes to regain your composure.. Everything will be OK.. You're not dying and you're obviously functioning at some level to be able to write down your message.

 

I would suggest NOT updosing as this would only draw out the process. Try to take things very slowly if you can. Have you tried any relaxation exercises? They're great for making us feel better.. I know it can be hard to get any relaxation during this period but I insist that you try deep breathing.

 

I see that you've come down quite a lot in your taper over the past few months. Perhaps you could consider holding for a short while? I did and there's no shame in it. I held for over 10 weeks last year and it made me feel a whole lot better.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks, I'm definitely going to hold for a while. I'm finally starting to feel better after 8 rough days. I'll be doing smaller cuts in the future.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...