Emotionally numb

[[Be...]]

I've been sick from the Benzos for over 4 years now, 28 months since being off.  Last year I was also diagnosed with cancer and had it treated, all the time still suffering from Benzo WD. It was unbelievably hard going for 40 cancer treatments while suffering daily from the WD.  Then, just as I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel, along comes the Corona virus.

 

I've been working from home for over 2 years because of the Benzos and felt so isolated, but at least I could go to the mall before the virus.  Now I don't go anywhere.

 

I still suffer every day from the Benzo WD including exhaustion and head pressure.  I still feel like I have lost my cognitive function.  It feels like that part of my brain was surgically removed.  I'm beginning to lose hope in recovery.

 

I spend most of my time sitting, listening to music and remembering what my former life was like.  My former life now seems like a wonderful dream.

 

I watch TV about the Corona virus, I am thankful I am able to work and live out of my house, ordering everything online including food.  I have avoided the virus so far.

 

Perhaps the hardest part is the loneliness.  Having been at home for the past years I have lost a lot of friends.  I am even out of touch with things at work. 

 

I really just want to cry but I can't.  I don't feel enough emotion.  I really feel like I've become a zombie.  I feel like I'm waiting to wake up but I never do. 

 

Thanks for listening to me moan and complain.  I have no place else to turn.  The few I have left in my life either don't believe me or can't possibly understand.

[[Wa...]]

I can't imagine doing this for four years. You are my hero.

 

I'm only 15 months off but I have been home the last two years and working from home for the last 5 months. I know what you mean about feeling extremely isolated and cut off from life and your emotions.

 

My life was pretty awesome before all of this, too, so I know what you mean about remembering what it was like "before."

 

I try not to think of that too much and try to stay present-focused and in the moment as much as I can. A future life is waiting for you and and me and all of us but we do have to live in the present moment and that is so so hard.

 

I feel numb to a lot of things. I have no motivation and desires and I can't even connect to my loved ones or things that I once enjoyed. And being so isolated from the world and normal life makes it harder.

 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[[tr...]]

Oh my word...I cannot fathom this Wd in conjunction with cancer treatments....your strength and will are amazing.

 

Isolation is very hard at any time, it affects our mood, our perceptions. I don't do well with alone as I'm by nature an extroverted person.

There is so much uncertainty right now, which makes it very hard to look ahead. and this recovery makes all of us feel alone too.

 

You know you can safely express yourself here. Being on here holds me together on the hard days. A sense of connection with people who truly understand this journey.

 

please have hope. 4 years is a long time, but there's a woman who I've chatted with on here and her healing took years as well. She is now a very different person, a normal functioning, feeling person.

 

 

[[Tr...]]

You've gone through so much. Too much. But in all difficulties you are extremely strong. I think you are absolutely incredible. But together we will fight!

 

Your friend Anna 

[[Be...]]

 

Thanks for all your replies.  Prior to the virus I was doing better in regard to walking outdoors on nice weather days and walking inside a nice mall on bad weather days.

 

Now, of course the malls are out of the question.  Even outdoors is concerning as there are now so many people walking the sidewalks. 

 

Also, I used to grocery shop late at night for fresh fruits and vegetables.  Now that everything is delivered, I only get a little produce.  My eating habits have changed for the worse.

 

The isolation, lack of contact with the outside world, for months, is really depressing me.  It is very hard to get up in the morning when there is no place to go and every day is the same (feeling like groundhog day movie), and the isolation.

 

I'm not sure any more if my symptoms are from WD or from living in this purgatory, hermit lifestyle.

[[Su...]]

I know how you feel. I was like that for 30 months after coming off benzos, just stuck at home mostly, having lots of symptoms, no hope that I’d get better. Around 30 months off I really started to turn a corner and have been doing much better since then with many symptoms dropping away. Fatigue is lessening and I can work and exercise again (truely never thought I would). Have hope that there is a good life waiting for you at the end of this. It truely does get better. I’m not healed but I can function now and am starting to get my life back.

[[Wa...]]

I know how you feel. I was like that for 30 months after coming off benzos, just stuck at home mostly, having lots of symptoms, no hope that I’d get better. Around 30 months off I really started to turn a corner and have been doing much better since then with many symptoms dropping away. Fatigue is lessening and I can work and exercise again (truely never thought I would). Have hope that there is a good life waiting for you at the end of this. It truely does get better. I’m not healed but I can function now and am starting to get my life back.

 

I'm so glad you are doing better. We were on the same drug for about the same amount of time. Xanax is evil. All of these are. I'm only 15 months off and really still struggling every day. Your post gives me hope that I can come out of this.