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Where am I? I Lost Myself


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I miss myself so much and ache for my childlike self.  I hate being alone for 10 mins. I cling to loved ones like a child and actually have had visions of seeing myself standing across the room, like I am completely split from myself, mind/body/soul. I had a reiki session today and realized I have become so needy during withdrawal because I have no inkling who I am anymore, who I'm doing all this for. I am doing this for me, but I feel like she left. This duality and deep clinginess to others is so discombobulating. I miss myself but don't know who I'm fighting for. Can anyone relate? I'm scared to be alone and the only way not to be so clingy is to be company for myself again.
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Hi delsol,

 

I absolutely relate and I'm sure others members do too!  I'm further out from jumping than you but I remember needing constant reassurance.  I was terrified I would never feel like myself again and feel comfortable being alone.

 

All of this is, sad to say, normal in withdrawal.  As you heal you will begin to feel like yourself again.  At nearly 8 months out I am nearly healed.  I don't feel that weird disconnection with myself or that need to be comforted and reassured.  It was brutal, no question about it, but it is almost completely behind me now and it will be for you too.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Keep moving forward.  Take kind gentle care of yourself.  Distract yourself with activities that shift your attention away from how you feel.  It's okay to check in with how you feel but best not to give it all your attention. 

 

You are healing.  It takes time.  Hang in there.

 

Wishing you much strength and healing,

Brighterday

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[e3...]

I miss myself so much and ache for my childlike self.  I hate being alone for 10 mins. I cling to loved ones like a child and actually have had visions of seeing myself standing across the room, like I am completely split from myself, mind/body/soul. I had a reiki session today and realized I have become so needy during withdrawal because I have no inkling who I am anymore, who I'm doing all this for. I am doing this for me, but I feel like she left. This duality and deep clinginess to others is so discombobulating. I miss myself but don't know who I'm fighting for. Can anyone relate? I'm scared to be alone and the only way not to be so clingy is to be company for myself again.

To feel like this could be apart of depersonalization. I have DP on abd off I feel disconnected with myself who I am, what do I stand for, my old life feels "fake "or unreal. I cant even recognize myself in the mirror I have also have out of body experience. I am.also very needy some people in w/d become afraid of being alone I am that too. Not nice at all. My husband finds it hard to deal with, its called monophobia. It is w/d. I am soon 31 months off and still suffer from this condition but it comes and go.

 

Autophobia, or monophobia, is the fear of being alone or lonely. Being alone, even in a usually comforting place like home, can result in severe anxiety for people with this condition. People with autophobia feel they need another person or other people around in order to feel safe.

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I am now dealing eith agitation and rage in a way that frightens me. I used to think of myself as a kind, approachable, easy-going person. Now I find myself needing to scream and throw things. I know it's withdrawal but not knowing when it will end is terrifying. I feel safer when others are here but also am afraid of losing it now and lashing out. I cannot believe the nightmare my life has become. I am not sure if I still have love inside me or not. I guess I probably do; I just don't have a map for these new feelings. I am afraid of losing loved ones and used to be such a kind, fun-loving person. Monophobia, btw, yes I've heard of it and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
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[e3...]

I am now dealing eith agitation and rage in a way that frightens me. I used to think of myself as a kind, approachable, easy-going person. Now I find myself needing to scream and throw things. I know it's withdrawal but not knowing when it will end is terrifying. I feel safer when others are here but also am afraid of losing it now and lashing out. I cannot believe the nightmare my life has become. I am not sure if I still have love inside me or not. I guess I probably do; I just don't have a map for these new feelings. I am afraid of losing loved ones and used to be such a kind, fun-loving person. Monophobia, btw, yes I've heard of it and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

I could had write this too. I feel and had felt the same. I have crazy ideas that I will lose my sanity if I am alone and commit suicide. And I dont wanna die at all. I am afraid of death. My brain keeps feeding me lies.  :-[

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I am now dealing eith agitation and rage in a way that frightens me. I used to think of myself as a kind, approachable, easy-going person. Now I find myself needing to scream and throw things. I know it's withdrawal but not knowing when it will end is terrifying. I feel safer when others are here but also am afraid of losing it now and lashing out. I cannot believe the nightmare my life has become. I am not sure if I still have love inside me or not. I guess I probably do; I just don't have a map for these new feelings. I am afraid of losing loved ones and used to be such a kind, fun-loving person. Monophobia, btw, yes I've heard of it and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

 

delsol,  Many of us have experienced the anger and agitation you describe - it is a temporary phase of withdrawal.  You will heal and you will recognize yourself again. 

 

In early withdrawal I remember being so irritable I blew up at tiny annoyances. I also remember feeling completely self absorbed and disconnected from other people.  I understand your life feels like a nightmare right now - please try to remember you feel the way you do because your brain is healing.

 

This is what Dr. Heather Ashton says about it:

Aggressive disorders are also associated with low serotonin activity (among other factors) and the appearance of anger and irritability during benzodiazepine withdrawal may involve similar mechanisms as depression. However, these symptoms usually disappear spontaneously and do not last very long.

 

Take care,

Brighterday

 

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Thank you for your reassurance. I am considering hiring an in-home companion for when my spouse is at work. But I'm not sure how much we can afford. I quit my job back in January. Spouse is back working today after 2 months home due to Covid shutdowns. I cling to my phone and calls; message boards sometimes help but in moderation; too much screen time seems to aggravate the agitation.
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This is a good time to try to develop tools for self soothing.  Gentle exercise, yoga, deep, slow breathing, positive visualization, calming music, pleasant fragrances and distracting activities - all of these sorts of things will help you get through this.  We need to learn new ways of comforting ourselves after leaning on benzos.

 

You will feel better.  It takes time but you will get there!

Brighterday

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Yes all of what you said is true. Lavender helps. So do coconut oil smoothies with pea protein. I've become afraid of my own yard  ???. I might force myself outside later regardless and take a brisk walk down the street. I've ordered some noise-canceling headphones. Also despite how I feel, I find that helping someone else, even for a minute, helps me. I like writing cards and sending real mail.
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This is a good time to try to develop tools for self soothing.  Gentle exercise, yoga, deep, slow breathing, positive visualization, calming music, pleasant fragrances and distracting activities - all of these sorts of things will help you get through this.  We need to learn new ways of comforting ourselves after leaning on benzos.

 

You will feel better.  It takes time but you will get there!

Brighterday

 

Why are some of us so bad that we literally can’t do anything on that list?

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Oh boy..Delsol - that first month after jumping is HARD. I'm no way in the clear, still healing, but in reading your writing I am can relate so much, and can tell  you it lessens. It really does. My symptoms still change in intensity, but I'm not where I was in that first month. Please be encouraged by that.

 

In little doses, do things like you mentioned, like go outside, or briefly do a task/activity you used to enjoy. Even if it's a bit hard, or it doesn't bring you the joy it used to - just do it. It creates a sense of normalcy - so you feel a bit human. Wd and its symptoms can be all consuming that it feels like you have bad old - but you don't...its just the WD. So when you can, try "being you". Eventually the feelings will follow the action. I was advised this and there's truth to it.

 

:thumbsup:

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Oh boy..Delsol - that first month after jumping is HARD. I'm no way in the clear, still healing, but in reading your writing I am can relate so much, and can tell  you it lessens. It really does. My symptoms still change in intensity, but I'm not where I was in that first month. Please be encouraged by that.

 

In little doses, do things like you mentioned, like go outside, or briefly do a task/activity you used to enjoy. Even if it's a bit hard, or it doesn't bring you the joy it used to - just do it. It creates a sense of normalcy - so you feel a bit human. Wd and its symptoms can be all consuming that it feels like you have bad old - but you don't...its just the WD. So when you can, try "being you". Eventually the feelings will follow the action. I was advised this and there's truth to it.

 

:thumbsup:

 

Thank you, Trina! It's so nice when I read of someone whose situation is similar and can offer hope. Things are really really scary, I don't expect to be symptom-free in a month but less intensity would be good. I have definitely gotten worse since trying to jump off. I am afraid of my own house... My own hands and cat... The rain... It's crazy. I hold onto the hope that others are telling me about. Thank you.

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How about chamomile tea? I drank cups of it daily. It’s also available in capsules on Amazon. It’s sometimes referred to as nature’s benzo.
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Afraid of your own shadow is perfectly normal unfortunately. I couldn't do tv, radio, or anything for awhile. Then I found that I could handle happy zoo stories or HGTV on TV. I then upgraded to wheel of fortune and jeopardy lol.

 

Music is better now too, but I have to make sure its upbeat and pleasant - nothing intense. I've had the symptom often where a tune gets stuck in your head - so I make sure its at least something positive.Happens far less now.

 

As for being left alone, I remember when my husband was called in to work an overnight shift (he typically works days in a hospital). After he left I had the biggest panic attack and sobbed for hours. This was in month one. Ironically tonight he is working an overnight to help out at work. I am as calm as a cucumber about it.  Huh...hadn't thought about it till writing this post. Goes to show there's progress.

 

Keep telling yourself " I am safe". over and over if you have to. Because you are safe. And you are supported and understood here.

 

Hugs

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