At 10 months, is no better than the first month.

[[Ju...]]

So I kept thinking that I was getting much better around the 6th and 7th and 8th month, and I was having lots of Windows and starting to go exercise and go for walks on the beach. And now everything is just as bad as the first month. I feel like I just got home from the hospital.

 

It's just different, it feels like I'm in a dark fog. Instead of having good windows, it's a really bad fog. Instead of tinnitus, I have loud humming and pressure in my ears. I'm burning up just as hot or even worse than I was when I got home. My anxiety and paranoia is just as bad or worse.

 

I have all the visual disturbances and audio disturbances but they're different. They're actually worse. I feel like I'm still at the hospital kind of, all the memories are just as fresh. Those horrible hospitals need to be shut down.

 

I can't even go outside or go for a walk or anyting. It's like I just went through 10 months of hell for no reason and I'm right back at the start. I would try not to be negative, but everything is worse than negative, it's like I'm in hell again. The worst part is all the burning up and paranoia. It's not even just being hot like opiate withdrawal, it's like somebody put you in a sauna and forced you to stay in there.

 

And all the colors of everything are completely different. They all have a dark negative color to them. Some people were actually healed by now but I'm having to go through this all over again. It's like I have to go through the holidays all over again, the horrible holidays.

 

And then I have to go to my doctor all over again just like in the beginning and they will tell me they can't do anything for me so there's no point in going. And then they will tell me to keep going to my therapy appointments even though it makes things worse. And then the psychiatrist won't be able to do anything like normal, other than give you more meds that make you worse.

 

Hopefully this won't go on for another decade, or maybe another 20 or 30 years, or maybe until I die. I wouldn't be surprised if it lasted for 40 years. Instead of two or three years, maybe it will go on for 50. Who knows, nobody knows.