Need advice. My marriage 😢 and bws

[Guest [su...]]

I have been married for 7 years. My husband told me last night in a text message that the spark is gone. That happiness and joy is just old memories. I panic. i love him more than anything. To the moon and back. He say he loves me, but..he needs the life we had before benzo w/d. He wants the old me back. This is not a option right now. I am so sick. I also have been diagnosed with a brain tumor for 3 months ago.

What can I do? Anyone else having problem in their relationship.

I am so scared atm that he wants to divorce me.

What can I do in w/d to keep the spark alive?

 

He say that we need to do stuff together take back happiness. But how can I do that?

I cant feel happy its impossible. It feels fake to fake happiness that isnt there. And how can I be active and leave my home when my sxs makes me bed and housebound?!

 

He wants us to go to the mountains in july to hike and go camping in a tent.  I can not walk 1 km because of severe balance dizzy issues and strange headsxs. My balance is severe because of my tumor effecting hearing and balance.

[[Tr...]]

Hi Sundance,

 

Your post broke my heart, I feel your pain. You don’t deserve this and if only your husband would be supportive as you need right now. Unfortunately you can’t be the old you, you will never be the old you. This experience changes us. You will heal and be an even better version of who you used to be. You will be stronger and not be fazed by many things in life. I hope your husband does not give up on you while you are at your lowest. It’s his decision and you can’t control that. Hang on to the hope of healing. Someone recommended the book “Untamed by Glennon Doyle Melton”. Try get an audio of it. I’m going to do the same. I hope it helps. Stay strong dear and sending you strength.

[[be...]]

The collateral damage of these drugs is so unfair. I’m so sorry for this hard time in your marriage - with all going on with your health, this must be so overwhelming for you. Maybe a little bit of counseling could help reframe things for both of you. Also, could you ask him about starting with a movie on the couch and build up to camping (one day)? 

[[Gr...]]

Well first, July is a ways off, so who knows how you will feel by then.  What are you doing to make yourself happy?  Is there anything you can share with him and do with him?  When he says "do stuff together", what does he really mean?  Share meals?  Go out of the house?  Spend time?  My husband LOVES movies, but not always ones I like.  Sometimes I just give in and watch whatever he wants cause it makes him so happy and he feels more connected with me, and ya know, I do feel connected to.  Hopefully you guys can find something to share that can make you both feel connected. 

[[sh...]]

I have been married for 7 years. My husband told me last night in a text message that the spark is gone. That happiness and joy is just old memories. I panic. i love him more than anything. To the moon and back. He say he loves me, but..he needs the life we had before benzo w/d. He wants the old me back. This is not a option right now. I am so sick. I also have been diagnosed with a brain tumor for 3 months ago.

What can I do? Anyone else having problem in their relationship.

I am so scared atm that he wants to divorce me.

What can I do in w/d to keep the spark alive?

He say that we need to do stuff together take back happiness. But how can I do that?

I cant feel happy its impossible. It feels fake to fake happiness that isnt there. And how can I be active and leave my home when my sxs makes me bed and housebound?!

 

He wants us to go to the mountains in july to hike and go camping in a tent.  I can not walk 1 km because of severe balance dizzy issues and strange headsxs. My balance is severe because of my tumor effecting hearing and balance.

 

Good communication keeps the spark alive. Listen to each other. You know what he wants. Does he know what would you want? What can he do for you to help you to accomplish your goal? What can you do within your limitations to reassure him you are still there for him. Many people including parents, partners, friends and often even ourselves do not understand what is happening to us. Even our doctors feel no compassion towards us too often. He took the first step to communicate even if just by text. Let him know you take him seriously but also talk about what is going on within you. Your recent diagnosis on its own is enough to cause you concerns not even mentioning your disabling symptoms. He may not realize how unwell you feel at the moment. Of course your condition will improve and you will be able to do all the things you have done before but it may take some time.

 

[[Pt...]]

This post makes me infuriated!

What happened to the oath “in sickness and in health”?

Does your husband not believe you have TWO, not just one, debilitating illnesses that could possibly take your life? (I don’t believe it will, but bwd is AS serious as any other major illness like cancer, ALS, etc).

Of course u can’t fulfill his romantic desires because your SICK....

I’m sorry but he sounds like a selfish person...

 

It’s like the same thing as a person wants to leave his wife because she got cancer and is dying and can’t go on vacations with him anymore

 

I know u probably can’t afford to leave him.l, what about marriage counseling?

[Guest [su...]]

Well first, July is a ways off, so who knows how you will feel by then.  What are you doing to make yourself happy?  Is there anything you can share with him and do with him?  When he says "do stuff together", what does he really mean?  Share meals?  Go out of the house?  Spend time?  My husband LOVES movies, but not always ones I like.  Sometimes I just give in and watch whatever he wants cause it makes him so happy and he feels more connected with me, and ya know, I do feel connected to.  Hopefully you guys can find something to share that can make you both feel connected.

He wants to do stuff away from.home. Hike, camping, dinner in a restaurant, travel again. Not now bc of covid but later when this pandemi is over. I am way to sick to just walk in my garden. We do watch movies together. Play playstation games, cook food etc

[Guest [su...]]

Thanks for all support

Sundance

[[sh...]]

"He wants to do stuff away from.home. Hike, camping, dinner in a restaurant, travel again. Not now bc of covid but later when this pandemi is over. I am way to sick to just walk in my garden. We do watch movies together. Play playstation games, cook food etc"

 

This is good news! Please do not worry about loosing him. You guys are on the right track, but he needs to take your condition more seriously. It happens often that guys think that it only takes willpower.

[[ti...]]

I so sorry you're going through this Sundance. Sending you lots of love and hugs 

[[jo...]]

My spouse dumped me back in feb over this. Even while sick I cooked cleaned did all the laundry. My spouse told me on Jan 21 they didn’t want the responsibility of another person and needing to find themself. 2 weeks later a Brain mri was done and a spinal tap. I have MS on top of the benzo damage. 2 weeks after that I was packed up and tossed of at my mothers home. The neurologist told me he couldn’t count the times he has seen this happen

[[ti...]]

My spouse dumped me back in feb over this. Even while sick I cooked cleaned did all the laundry. My spouse told me on Jan 21 they didn’t want the responsibility of another person and needing to find themself. 2 weeks later a Brain mri was done and a spinal tap. I have MS on top of the benzo damage. 2 weeks after that I was packed up and tossed of at my mothers home. The neurologist told me he couldn’t count the times he has seen this happen

 

I'm so sorry you went through that on top of the hell that is benzo withdrawal. How did you get diagnosed with ms? Did the doc say what the treatment plan is considering your stoppage of benzos? Im sending you a virtual hug 

[[Tr...]]

If your spouse leaves you because you are so sick, please know it’s not your fault. Being this sick is no one’s fault, no one deserves to be this sick. During a time like this, all we need is to be supported and taken care off. If they can’t do that, please pray for the strength to carry on and gently release them. You will heal and  be better one day, you will be better than better, and you will look back and everything will make sense. Please nurture yourself, soothe your pain, focus on your healing. Be blessed all.

[Guest [Fi...]]

Your hubby made it this far he just needs a little TLC.  It is great that he is communicating with you.  Sometimes in a relationship we may have to try to meet the other half way to make it work.  I know The hell you are in, July is a long ways away.  In the interim maybe do some small things together to work up to it.  I guess for me I was completely blind to a little goes a long way and as I still grieve over the loss of my marriage...I could have done some things differently.

 

Love

FL

[[jo...]]

My spouse dumped me back in feb over this. Even while sick I cooked cleaned did all the laundry. My spouse told me on Jan 21 they didn’t want the responsibility of another person and needing to find themself. 2 weeks later a Brain mri was done and a spinal tap. I have MS on top of the benzo damage. 2 weeks after that I was packed up and tossed of at my mothers home. The neurologist told me he couldn’t count the times he has seen this happen

 

I'm so sorry you went through that on top of the hell that is benzo withdrawal. How did you get diagnosed with ms? Did the doc say what the treatment plan is considering your stoppage of benzos? Im sending you a virtual hug 

 

The did a MRI of the brain and a spinal tap and found lesions. Currently I don’t really have any options for treatment since I no longer have health insurance due to the end of the marriage. MS medications are expensive. Tuesday I had a phone call interview with Medicaid but they didn’t keep the appointment.

[[Ma...]]

In withdrawal my first reponse would have been angry, furious... how can he dare...

Now, looking back I cannot believe what my partner must have gone through just by living with me, looking at me, not understanding what's going on and I did not know that either.

 

I think you need to make a difference between his wish and his statement to get the sparkle back. It is not your fault and he does not blame you.

The fact he sends a text message may show that he just does not dare to talk to you face to face..

I know it is a difficult situation, but as long as you 2 keep communicating, it can work out. Sadly, the ones who are sick, have to carry the burden that we actually can be a burden to our partners, on top. There is no doubt about it.

 

I would say, talk to him that he will never get the old you back, this is just impoisslbe in every situation on earth, we change each minute. But the 2 of you can figure out, how to celebrate the relationship no matter what. You can have a date night at home, having dinner. You may even go out, - but of course he will have to respect that your body is not able to do everything on 100%. It is not your fault that you cannot deliver 100%, if he wants to stay your partner, it is his responsibility to learn to deal with that fact! Maybe he will need therapy to learn to live with that, but it is not your duty to do all the relationship-work, do you understand what I mean?

 

It is a new situation for both of you, so both of you will have to work on new ways to find joy together.

I hope you 2 will find ways to find this joy, I have met couples who could do that in worse situations and they are happy. But we need a partner who is willing to work on himself or herself - and this can be  a problem.

 

However I wish that you and your babe will find something new to celebrate that you still have each other. no matter what. Talk about it, find something you both can do...

[Guest [su...]]

This is not easy. His text really messed my head up now. He also say this is taking his libido away. I dobt know if he is attracted to me anymore. He say that he dont wanna have sex until the happiness and the old me is back. The fun happy crazy me. This scenario is trigger my intrusive really bad. I try to take care of myself make up etc but he dont care or say anything thar he likes what he see. I dont know anymore this is the end of my marriage i guess. 😳

[[Ma...]]

This is not easy. His text really messed my head up now. He also say this is taking his libido away. I dobt know if he is attracted to me anymore. He say that he dont wanna have sex until the happiness and the old me is back. The fun happy crazy me. This scenario is trigger my intrusive really bad. I try to take care of myself make up etc but he dont care or say anything thar he likes what he see. I dont know anymore this is the end of my marriage i guess. 😳

 

okey, to read that, might be very very hurtful and I am sorry he acts that way. However, this does not mean anything. You know that your marriage is over, when it is over, but not now, okey. Face the problem when it comes up. I would try to have a serious talk with him and tell him that these things cannot be said in text messages, cause he is not 14 years old. Or is he..

I mean, his wife has a brain tumor. I am sorry this is taking his libido away. Sorry for this vent. I know some men just cannot talk in a way they don't hurt their ladies.. but I wish he would be better in that.

Focus on stabilizing yourself, before you talk to him, and make a list of wishes YOU have for the relationship. If he cannot go with it, you will survive that, too! I can understand how this might feel, the hole situation, have been there as you might know...