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Downhill since day 1


[Pt...]

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It’s been 13 months of no Benzos. Completely drug free, stress free. Yet I’m getting worse as time goes on. This has been beyond torture. Every second is surviving, every day I wake up to new symptoms and a deteriorating body. Take a look at my sig, listing the symptoms I had since acute. Starting roughly 4 months ago, the list began to include more and more physical symptoms. Now I’m essentially bedridden with the exception of still being able to walk to the bathroom with the small amount of working cells I have left.

 

I now have

 

Extreme fatigue

Muscle fatigue, can barely hold up a glass of water to drink

Muscle pain , feel like muscles being ripped apart

Legs spastic, cannot walk properly

Legs jerk

Nerve pain

Spinal column damage, cannot sit upright

Back pain, need to lay down all day

Headache

Sweating randomly

Nervousness in body

Skin aging, wrinkles appear everywhere including hands and feet

Eyes sore, muscles feel like they’re being used every second,including night

Light sensitivity

 

Not a single original symptom has gone away, yet I’m now dealing with this much more. I’m not coping, my family isn’t coping. This is not how anyone should leave this earth, or live with.

 

This does not look like healing to me, unless someone else has been like this and went on to heal, unless someone can convince me otherwise.

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It’s not fair. I don’t personally think I can hold on anymore. Each month I alway say “I’ll turn a corner this next month” then something new and more debilitating pops up. I’m currently off longer than I was on and I don’t see an end in sight. It’s permanent in my mind. I’m to weak to keep fighting honestly and death would be a relief. I’m just to scared to do anything yet nothing even seems real any more.
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I will not try to convince you of anything, all I can say is that I felt horrible the first 2 years off. Now life feels great. It is surprising how things can change. The first years I thought nothing had ever changed, looking back it all makes more sense now and things did change. But it did not feel that way.

Overall I thought "this is my new normal" for a long time, although I did things no matter what because I am a person who needs to do something, and if its only moving the toes then I would do that. .. But as I said, today is so different from how I felt the early years, its unbelievable. People who have not seen me for a while, do not recognize me any more, because they saw that zombie in bad mood for a very long time and now there is a new woman out there. It is hard to say dont give up and I hope you will feel better soon, knowing that my strategies might not be the strategies which keep you alive or might not be helpful to you. I mean, I did not just lay around and wait for better days, I did a lot, but a lot failed also. The only thing I can say which cannot be seen differently is - look at my very very old posts and how I sounded in those posts. And then read some of my latest posts and you can see that there is a new person talking, my real self. This took a while. Years. And I am still recovering and getting better day by day. Also I learned a lot about the body, biochemistry and so on,. - it makes sense to me now, that it took me so long to feel better and from this perspective I can see the dark years less as a loss or failure, but more like the process which was necessary to help me feel better. Ugh, it is so complicated to explain.

Let me send you a hug! I was bed bound for so long, I cry out of happiness when I workout 3 times per week now..

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You’re still not recovered 4 years later doesn’t give me hope. I’m happy you feel better but I literally took this for 5 months and I have to give up my best decade for this bull. I don’t think I have it in me. Best of luck to all.
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You’re still not recovered 4 years later doesn’t give me hope. I’m happy you feel better but I literally took this for 5 months and I have to give up my best decade for this bull. I don’t think I have it in me. Best of luck to all.

 

You keep posting "You are not recovered" and "death is the only option".

Besides the fact you cannot tell at all how my health is, because its my body, not yours - does it really help you to keep posting that?

Or do you want to read "Yes! Death is the only option you have!"?? What is the goal for you... I dont want to be the one used to be the final trigger for your suicide. If you have thoughts like that, call a helpline or get professional help please.

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It’s not fair. I don’t personally think I can hold on anymore. Each month I alway say “I’ll turn a corner this next month” then something new and more debilitating pops up. I’m currently off longer than I was on and I don’t see an end in sight. It’s permanent in my mind. I’m to weak to keep fighting honestly and death would be a relief. I’m just to scared to do anything yet nothing even seems real any more.

 

Nothing about benzo withdrawal is fair. I'm sorry that your suffering is going on far longer then your usage. You were on some high doses of benzos as well as alcohol, that you mention abusing.  This put a big hit on your cns. 

 

In the world of benzo withdrawal you haven't been of that long since you jumped September 2019.  I certainly wasn't healed at that point, I still had a plethora of symptoms to deal with daily. I didn't doubt my healing though because I knew I wasn't like this before benzos. 

 

You are putting too much pressure on yourself to heal, IMO.  Being impatient and angry won't hurry the healing process.  Acceptance and patience is the key.

 

While we understand that intrusive thoughts are part of withdrawal, if you are having thoughts of self harm it is very important to seek professional help. I'll provide some links for you.  I believe in the ability of the cns to find balance again, it did for me and if you read success stories you will see it happened for others as well.

 

Suicide, Self-harm & Threatening Behavior 

 

pianogirl

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I just want to feel better. Not feeling like I’m constantly dying with no relief or palliative care.

 

I know how it feels. This wish turned into stubborn surviving in my case and let me go through that hell until I finally found a door out. I understand that hope is nothing we can make or believe in, when we are in such hard periods of life, - but I found out my stubborn and childish "nope, I will NOT die, not yet, damn" attitude pushed me forward. I was not a polite and nice person all the time. Just to mention that. ::)

:-[

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