I can't do this anymore

[[Ez...]]

In addition to my Big Three symptoms (severely erratic, ataxic respiration; painful dysphagia; chronically distended abdomen and gastroparesis), my mental state has degraded to that of a frightened child. Awaiting tests, but I'm certain in my own mind that clonaz-e-poison damaged my brainstem and thus autonomic nervous system. I'm scared, perplexed, depressed, horrified, pretty much just waiting for death to come knocking and release me from this nightmare. Last April I was happy as can be to ride my bike, work in the garden, stroll the neighborhood, as the sun shone and the birds chirped and the flowers bloomed. Now I'm physically debilitated and can barely figure out the basics to take care of myself, and joy has fled. My support system is bailing because they don't understand benzo withdrawal and don't think I'm trying hard enough. Called a suicide hotline this morning because I can't do this anymore. I had a life, now I'm barely walking dead.

[[Br...]]

Ezralit,

 

Please don't despair.  You've come a long way since you jumped - 4 months, right?  You're still in the thick of withdrawal and it's a miserable, hellish place to be.  You describe it so well. I know the visceral fear and suffering you're going through - most of us here know it.  I know that feeling that death would be a relief - it's horrible. 

 

It's 7 months for me since I jumped  - I'm so much better now but have further to go before I would say I'm healed.  I don't feel the despair I once felt.  I KNOW I'm healing. 

 

You've been through so much already and you will keep moving forward understanding that you are healing.

 

Hang in there - You can do this!

Brighterday

[[Aj...]]

Un/fortunately death won’t come knocking so you just have to hang on until your brain finds a way to regulate the neurotransmitters again..

You can do it!

Just get through each moment however you have to and out the other end you can tell all the pp, who didn’t believe you to go to hell.

[[Tr...]]

Hi Ezra,

 

This is the hardest thing you will ever go through so you have to do deep and get all the strength you can from within. You have to fight harder than you ever have, to get to the other side. The other side of benzo withdrawal is guaranteed healing. You must hold on, get through each day. That’s the only thing you must focus on. You really can do this. Many others before us have done it. Hold on....

[[Ez...]]

My mom, who is my only close contact right now, just told me she loves me but can't help me anymore because I'm acting like I'm mentally ill. If that doesn't change, she will take me to a mental hospital. I told her it's the benzo withdrawal, not me, and how can it NOT be brainstem damage with 24/7 autonomic nervous system dysfunction symptoms (especially the insane breathing - have to consciously time it so I can speak, eat, drink, often too slow and labored, even when exercising). The rest of my family - the only people I really have in this world - agrees with her. I was a happy person who just needed help with anxiety through a rough patch last year; now, pretty much everything has been taken from me. None of this makes any sense at all.

[[Le...]]

Ez,

 

I may have done a very harmful thing when I confirmed that you have a brain injury from Benzos.  My intention was to alleviate any fear that something is more critically wrong with you. While healing from this is dreadful, you have to keep the recovery about finding positive ways to support you and NOT ways to make you fear this process even more.  LISTEN TO ME: You are the source of your own healing.  These symptoms are REAL. But your mindset of dealing with them and optimizing your healing process is THE MOST CRITICAL THING.  Please accept that this process involves time and instead of being vigilant about the symptoms - be excited about how much more resilient you are going to be for ANYTHING in life after getting through this.  The number one goal is to keep your Central Nervous System as calm as possible.  GOing to a mental institution is not going the help that AT ALL.  I am seeing HUGE success from others and of course my own experience by simply alternating with mindful activity (anything that induces the state of FLOW) and resting.  Nutrition plays a huge part as well but the INTENTION of eating for healing is just as important.  We are not victims.  We have been damaged and we are recovering .  I hope you don't let FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT become your habitual thinking as all these symptoms are signs of healing.  You WILL get there. 

 

UNDERSTAND?

 

Jenny K

[[Th...]]

Benzo WD doesn't make any sense at all.  My own family did not believe me regarding symptoms and how I was acting.  They thought I was making things up and "faking" symptoms.  My own mother-in-law tried to get me committed to a Psych Ward because she was "fearful" for her daughter's family.  People on the outside cannot relate.  You have a "temporary" condition that acts like other types of mental illnesses and conditions.  They are not the same. 

 

That, coupled with the fact that most PCPs don't even acknowledge Benzo WD as being something real, makes it even harder. 

 

Instead of focusing on ever worsening symptoms and intensity, you need to draw out at least one thing per day to be thankful for, to show gratitude for.  It's hard, but it will help you a lot more than continually thinking you are dying and need to rush to the ER.  Please stop using Dr. Google if you are. 

 

All of this will even out over time.  Time is your friend and your healer.  The nice thing is time always passes. 

[[Ez...]]

I'm not using Dr. Google anymore, but I did do a lot of reading on autonomic nervous system disfunction, since my three primary symptoms are all involuntary processes. I might be able to believe the stomach issues are WD, but my constantly constricted throat, with it's frequent gurgling and miss-swallowing and perpetual hard lump don't align with typical WD dysphagia, and the seriously ataxic breathing is nothing like typical "air hunger." Hence my current state of mind.

[[we...]]

Ezralit,

 

  it is so sad to hear your support system is having difficulty being there for you. Like so many things, unless someone has experienced it...it is hard for them to understand. Try not to let uninformed statements from others reside in you. You ARE NOT making things up. You are NOT faking symptoms. You ARE trying hard enough. You are not alone. Keep reaching out when you need to.. The thousands of people on this forum understand because we too are living it or have lived it.

Even during this time of darkness...you will eventually find the light. You will again "ride your bike, work in the garden, stroll the neighborhood, as the sun shines and the birds chirp and the flowers bloom"

Keep in touch

Breathe in calm...breathe out stress

[[tr...]]

Ez: We are all here for you. This recovery is definitely a lonely road, and when your supports are backing down...thats heartbreaking. All we want so badly beyond healing is just to be supported and validated.

 

You don't need a psyche center - you know that. There's nothing they can do for you there.

 

I called a hotline once just before I stopped the ativan. It was such a dark day. I know how that feels.

 

Stay with us girl!! Reach deep. there is life after this and it is worth living for.

[[gs...]]

your gonna end your life over something that will end in a year? That might sound like a long time but its ending your life or just waiting one year

[[ea...]]

For most people, our only support system is here on BB. This is because benzo wd is SO unrecognized by the medical community. We dont get support from the communities we live in. And that alone makes us feel even MORE alone.

I think a lot of people reach a point in this process where they think they just cannot take it another day.. I know I did. I considered suicide but am too much of a coward to do that. So I just continued to suffer through more days and weeks of a horrible withdrawal.

Ezralit, take advantage of the support you get here. I know you are struggling! And that IS normal. I feel you just need to try to relax just a bit, read up on why you feel so awful, and just keep fighting. YOU CAN DO THIS!

I will be here for you.

east

[[Ez...]]

Many thanks, Annie. Suffering a serious return of DP/DR the past few days, plus severe tremors/spasms, so it's been scary surreal. But my mom has proven that she's a warrior too, by helping me in spite of not totally believing it's still withdrawal. Grateful for all you BB's who take the time to encourage and commiserate, and give me "tough love" type pep talks when I need it.

- Ezra

[[gs...]]

I mean you do know its all gonna last up to a year you do know that, right?

[[tr...]]

Gswjitt:

 

For real....yes she knows its a LONG journey. She's suffering horribly and needs support! Your bluntness is harsh so I'm being blunt with you....have you not felt hopeless and suicidal in all this? If not you are a very lucky person.

 

You're correct that ending it for something that may end in a year is not logical. BUT when you are alone and your supports are fading and you have horrific symptoms and your brain is not functioning properly it is very easy to feel depressed and hopeless. All you want is the suffering to end and when you can't see hope WE ALL FEEL LIKE ENDING IT AT TIMES. 

 

so if all you can do is be condescending to a person who is hurting and needing support maybe you should just keep your comments to yourself!

 

[[ea...]]

I THINK gswjltt is trying to ask a valid question. I dont think he meant to harm anyone or hurt anyone. Maybe a poor choice of words, but who hasnt done that? I know I have! LOL!

The real negative about online support is that we dont see the face of the person writing things. So much of human conversation is based on NONVERBAL cues!!! We have to sort of read between the lines, and try to know what the other person meant.

 

Both of you are my friends, and I so respect you for that. I too need support and care. We all do. Just getting off benzos does not mean your entire life will suddenly be perfect! That will not be. You are still the person who took the damn benzos in the first place. But you do now have an opportunity to figure out WHY you took benzos, and what you can do the change that stuff. For me, its an ongoing battle.

We do make friends here on BB., And when we feel someone has attacked our friend, we do react. Normal human behavior.  But I will take this a step further: gswjlktt, would you like to talk with me? Or post here again?  I really doubt you meant to hurt anyone by your comments. I know I have done similar things...stuck my fool headed head into things I did not know would hurt someone. Life means learning, learning how to get along with many others, who dont think like I do.

 

Ezrsalit and trina: I SO respect you both. You both have struggled and won and struggled and NOT won, but in the long run, you WILL get over this.

All of us need to  be gentle with each other, offer a lending hand. ALL of us live with this Covid fear. On TOP of benzo wd, I cannot even imagine how afraid you all are. I am scared too.

east (Annie)

MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!

[[tr...]]

I apologize if I read into the posting...my bad.

 

Feeling protective of Ezralit I guess.

[[Ez...]]

For which I am grateful, Katrina. Thanks for the encouragement and support! Hugs, Ezra

[[ea...]]

This thread clearly shows the dangers of an online support group. All of us rely on so much more than just wordsd, when talking with someone. We instantly read their face, body language, non verbal stuff. etc. And an online forum like BB cannot do that. So that leads to misunderstandings and sometimes total confusion.

I have been here since 2012. Over all the years I cannot tell you how often this sort of confusion has happened. SO many times, words I used upset someone here, simply because of this. I have also seen many fights break out here on BB because of this.

 

But other than that, BB is a wonderful supportive place for us all.

east