My mind is torturing me really bad - please read

[Guest [pe...]]

Something really bad is happening in my brain.  My brain is turning extremely OCD and compulsive.  It started with a random post I read on benzobuddies that my brain latched onto.  I spent hours looking for a specific post and eventually found it.  The thought went away.  Since 2 months ago when this symptom started it has been getting worse and worse latching onto everything.  Everyone I walk by I need to know their names (I obviously dont ask).  I will see part of a movie on facebook and I will spend hours looking for that paricular movie scene.  It's literally all day long. 

 

If I dont find the specific thing my brain latches onto it and it literally feels "stuck" in my head.  If i resist the compulsion the thought never leaves and more and more things my brain want to know piles up in my head until i have 100s of looping thoughts.

 

My brain just told me I need to know the middle name of one of my old friends.  This shit is so random.

 

I spend all day pacing and crying begging for help to my parents.

 

This symptom along with all my other symptoms (hyperawareness, racing thoughts, looping, earworms, intrusive thoughts and memories) has completely destroyed me and my fight and will to live is gone.

 

I don't know anyone with this particular symptom.  It's all consuming 24/7. Everything is a trigger.  I can't distract.  I'm constantly looping and being reminded of the other loops.  It's neverending

 

I'm debating on going on an SSRI specific for OCD as a last resort. 

 

I know I've posted in desperation many times but I've officially reached my breaking point.

[[Ne...]]

Yes, my OCD tendencies, obsessions and compulsions and just addictive behavior in general went up quite a bit during the height of benzo withdrawal.

 

I was in despair because of the general misery of the situation, not necessarily because of any obsessive tendencies, and it sounds like you got it A LOT worse in that regard because I was never diagnosed with OCD, and it was all pretty mild stuff I'd say. Touching certain things, making sure the door is locked when I already checked, curtains having to hang a certain way, you know... very mild stuff. But also looping thoughts, earworms that just wouldn't go away, etc.

 

But it gets better over time. Meaning, years. Don't let your momentary despair get the better of your spirit. "Momentary" is easily said, I know, because in our case it means months and years.

 

I know this probably sounds stupid or patronizing, but I assure you it's not meant as such:

Get yourself busier. Got any hobbies?

Best thing you can do is go outside and just walk, maybe with one of your parents if they are around. From my experience, during this ordeal all we're doing is sit in our room or appartement/house and do the same things, everyday all day. Staring into screens the whole day.

 

Also, you're not your thoughts. Observe your thoughts. You can't help what your mind comes up with, but you can help what you engage with.

 

Maybe seek a specialized psychologist for this issue? For behavior therapy or something like that, or just to talk about it?

I'm not sure if you had OCD tendencies before the withdrawal. Maybe not. For me, benzo withdrawal definitely amplified certain parts of myself that I would deem as negative.

 

I'm not sure going on more psych-meds is a good idea during this healing process you're undergoing, which is very painful of course. However I'm not a psychiatrist so who knows.

 

 

I hope you find some peace among the chaos.