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Regret and flashbacks of first time benzo use


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I don't know if this is a symptom of withdrawal, but after my horrible rage this morning, I started getting really bad regret and what feels like flashbacks. Similar to if you experiment with LSD, you have flashbacks of certain things for the rest of your life. It's more like a vivid memory. Either way, I'm not talking about substance abuse. I'm just saying, whenever I started taking Xanax when I was younger , I was only 15 or 16 years old. I had been drinking lots of beer. I started getting the shakes really bad in high school while in typing class and trying to keep my fingers on the keyboard, which is what started it all. So then I started buying Xanax from Friends and it seemed to do the trick and getting rid of it. So I started taking more, every day all day long. I got to five or six football's a day, and then I ran out. So then I went through cold-turkey withdrawal before I was even 17 years old. And then it happened again and again, I don't even remember how many times. So eventually I went to the psychiatrist on an outpatient basis, and he told me I had generalized anxiety disorder. And now I'm regretting it because obviously I don't think I did. So I took them from that point on my entire life and never stopped other than a few times during detox. I started to realize I have actually relapsed probably 15 times in my life. I guess that's why this time was so bad. But now I'm looking back thinking to myself why the hell did I start taking those in the first place? Alcohol withdrawal and shakes would have only lasted a week. Instead I created a lifetime of BS and so did the doctor by supplying me instead of the street and Friends. Really it doesn't matter if it's prescribed or not, it's the exact same drug. That's why I put that as my saying on this website. I mean yeah there are some cut versions but we're not referring to those. And I don't even know why substance abuse matters, like it's considered substance abuse if it's not prescribed. But it could have been. I could have been prescribed five or six half milligram tablets AKA footballs per day. So let's get real here, when I was younger for the first year or two it was abuse, and then it turned into prescription. Either way, same thing. Same benzo. All I know is I'm having really bad regret because I'm thinking maybe I didn't need them at all and wasted 20 years of my life and made it even worse physically and mentally and financially.
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Hi JustInTime,

 

Ruminating and intrusive memories are common symptoms of withdrawal.  I figure benzos threw a blanket over our thinking and emotions so we never really dealt with a lot of the most difficult stuff in our lives.  Now that the blanket has been pulled back we're confronted with things and have to reckon with things we regret, things we didn't want to deal with.  It's just like we have to learn how to handle stress now without the benzos. This is my theory anyway.

 

Hang in there! We're all learning together.

 

Brighterday  :)

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J:

 

I don't talk a lot about sx's on BB, but I'll jump in on this one. I've been struggling with rumination over regrets and memories flooding me. I know some of this is benzo recovery and probably issues I haven't totally resolved either.  I have a trauma background, BUT then I also made some very bad choices in my youth -quite dark actually. These are what my brain is reminding me of lately. ( I went into social work and therapy for a reason lol..).

 

Anyway, ppl like you and I are on the other side of our "pasts" now. I have to roll with what are benzo sx's and remind myself my brain is just trying to sort things out. In the meantime, I have to remember to be kind to myself, forgive myself. So much has been good since those days, yet the bad is what my brain wants to go to right now - ugh. I have to remind myself its ok to grieve the loss of those years - but not unpack and stay there.

 

You and I are both middle age-ish...there are so many bright days ahead.I know you know this. Just thought I's write and be a cheerleader for both of us today:)

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I completely relate to the flashbacks. I used to partake in hallucinogens pretty heavily, and I get an acid flashback about once a week, minimum. In fact, the last acid trip I had was back in November, and right after that, I began having very agonizing sleep onset problems. It was an extremely intense trip, and while I respect acid and I don't blame the substance for my troubles, it was undoubtedly an unneeded catalyst for worsening sleeping problems which had been haunting me for a month prior to the trip. Now, in addition to acid flashbacks, I get brief flashes of my time on benzos. I used to joke about xanax users having terrible memory, and now I'm part of the Xanny Family - I barely remember anything from my time on it, with the exception of brief flashes of moments. It's almost like viewing one of those old films from the silent film era, as it goes from one frame to another without any details in between.
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Thanks for all the responses. Yeah, I do believe that we are now facing everything we were supposed to while on meds. And relearning life. And I completely understand all of those flashbacks without any kind of noise or explanation kind of like those old movies. That's what it seems like. But the stuff in between is starting to fill in now that I'm 9 months off. I guess that's why it's hard, until it's completely all filled in, it's going to be lots of regrets and weird memories. But at 36 years old, it's not that bad. It could have been later in life which would have been a lot longer and harder to comprehend everything that happened honestly if I had taken them that long, I would have just stayed on them. It was my choice to get off of them, and the reason I did it was because of how doctors are acting these days. I couldn't hear that word controlled one more time. And I wanted to do this on my own schedule. But I think we will all heal completely. We will remember everything and we won't have any more regrets. Maybe a few, but not like right now.
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