Benzo buddies outbursts and mental health conditions

[[Ju...]]

So I've been texting my family all kinds of ridiculous stuff all day long, basically anything that comes to mind, and they get really pissed because they don't want to deal with my crap. But it helps me so I've been doing it anyways. I need to stop though, because I'm being pretty selfish. Anyways, whenever I get hit with waves, I always start posting random stuff and I have different moods online. Sometimes it's about what I've been through, sometimes it's helping others, and sometimes it's just about my symptoms. It really depends on my mood and whether or not I'm getting hit by a wave or if I'm in a window. Even on benzo Buddies. Sometimes it's really negative and sometimes it's just regular symptoms stuff. The mornings are always different than night. I'm guessing it's probably the same with everybody else on here, but I don't know. I've been told I have lots of mental health conditions, diagnosed by doctors and therapists. However, I'm not so sure I actually have anything wrong at all. It's too early to tell. I just wanted to see if anybody else was going through the same thing. I mean, how are we supposed to know if we have actual underlining mental health conditions, or if it's just created by benzo withdrawal? I guess there's really no solid answer but maybe somebody has some insight.

[[Ch...]]

It sounds like you know you’re upsetting your family with the random ‘ridiculous’ texts. No judgment, really, but my take would be this may not be benzo-related. Most of us don’t realize our benzo-related behavior was off until we look back months later.

 

 

 

Edit: typo

[[Ju...]]

Well you're right, I do know what's going on. But the problem is, it's like I can't control it. It's almost as if I feel they need to hear what's going on. I feel like everybody deserves everything right now at the moment. Maybe I'm stuck in waves for the majority of the day still. And maybe I will look back at it and wonder why I was doing it. Or maybe not. Either way my moods change severely throughout the day depending on what time of day it is and how bad I'm getting hit by waves. I'm just now going on 8 months and getting some relief. But for some reason it's almost like I feel like making an ass out of myself and being selfish and telling everybody exactly what they do wrong, since that's what I was told my whole life. It's like payback or something.

[[Re...]]

I sadly can understand where you are coming from, but as it was mentioned I wouldn't blame the Benzos for it (except increasing the "volume" of the outbursts.

 

Do you have a therapist you go to? What you mentioned may arise from CPTSD (not saying it is, but that it could very well be).

[[Re...]]

....

[[Aj...]]

Maybe you just want to push how bad you feel in their faces because you are distressed?

 

And your Dr was nasty to you - are you passing on the legitimate anger you feel from that?

 

 

[[Ju...]]

Well I was diagnosed with PTSD, yes. So I think it's a little bit of that and also a little bit of the fact that I do have a lot of anger and crap in me because of the fact that they took me to the psychiatrist at the age of 17 years old, who in turn put me on benzos. That's what got this whole mess started. So coming off them, I blamed them for a few times, but now I'm starting to see that it was actually my choice to take them. But still, I was only 17. And there's a lot of stuff that has happened in my life, I've been through hell and back, tons of trials and tribulations. And everything is ruined for right now, so I guess I felt the need to tell them how I felt. And then there's the issue of the PTSD, I've never gone to therapy for it. I was diagnosed and still haven't started therapy. So I'm sure there's better ways to get it out. I start that next week. But on the bright side, me and my family have reunited after many many years not seeing each other. And once the benzo withdrawal is over, things will be back to normal. But I try to keep a level head on here. Weird how that works, getting mad and hurting the ones that love you and are closest to you with drugs.

[[mo...]]

Well you're right, I do know what's going on. But the problem is, it's like I can't control it. It's almost as if I feel they need to hear what's going on. I feel like everybody deserves everything right now at the moment. Maybe I'm stuck in waves for the majority of the day still. And maybe I will look back at it and wonder why I was doing it. Or maybe not. Either way my moods change severely throughout the day depending on what time of day it is and how bad I'm getting hit by waves. I'm just now going on 8 months and getting some relief. But for some reason it's almost like I feel like making an ass out of myself and being selfish and telling everybody exactly what they do wrong, since that's what I was told my whole life. It's like payback or something.

 

I understand. I read (some of) your posts and relate a whole lot, I’m in a place where I’m making it through the other side in some ways in this regard. Not entirely, but it’s happening. Don’t worry about expressing yourself here. As long as it’s about you and your life and it’s not aimed at others screw judgement. No one talks about jail, here. Or other real parts of life on the planet. Good for you for saying it. Who cares whether it doesn’t change much, the change has been significant when I decided that everyone wasn’t going to tell me I was wrong all the time and I believe it anymore. It gets to a point where you can’t even hear your own thoughts. To even be able to choose any direction, you have to hear yourself.

 

One of my issues in life was just listening constantly to others. I couldn’t even talk and be heard. Getting sober and then blindsided by this Rx forced me to come to terms with the idolization of myself and others. People’s garbage should be limited to themselves and sometimes it’s necessary to express that to them. I still get all stupid after I offend someone too often. Who freaking cares? Why do I care so much. Most people could care less if they offend me.

 

But just keep steady because if emotion rules you you can miss out on or mess up things you would do differently looking back. Feeling things finally is taxing, for you and others. If it goes too far you shut back down. It’s a dangerous line, but to get life back you have to walk it whether you give voice to what you really think or not.

 

We all made choices that narrowed our options or didn’t feel we had them to begin with, this thing we all ended up in opens up a wide vista of personal volition I think because it does not feel that’s the case at all mostly.

[[Ju...]]

Absolutely, the world is a cruel place. One thing that my family did not understand was my major drinking problems on and off throughout the years. I tried to explain to them, I was getting rid of the benzo withdrawal and drowning it out with alcohol. I told them, I've never liked alcohol, but felt the need to drink it to get rid of benzo symptoms in the past. I was in and out of the hospital and completely black out sometimes. They thought that I just like getting drunk for the hell of it, and I was like no, it had to do with the pills. They didn't believe me or understand me, and neither did the doctors. I was like, why would I enjoy ruining my body and getting pissed drunk if I don't have to? They said that's what alcoholics do. I said yeah but I was never an alcoholic, I was getting rid of benzo symptoms. And then they would say you're not supposed to combine the two anyways, so then I would say I didn't. The only time I would drink is when I didn't have benzos. So of course nobody believe me about anything and called me a liar and tried to make it look like I wasn't having any symptoms and was just doing it all for fun. I was like look guys, I didn't put myself into the hospital and damaged my body and jack up my liver enzyme levels for no reason and throw up constantly for no reason. I didn't go through delirium tremens for no reason. But that's a whole different story aside from benzos. I guess when you take benzos, everybody just likes to judge you. They don't really know what's going on though. You can tell them, but they don't believe you and then you have to hear it for the rest of your life. Which is why I decided, time for me to prove other people wrong and call them out on everything, like they do to me. Every time I hear something wrong about me, they are going to hear something wrong about them. It's like an eye for an eye. But yeah you can only take it so far. At the end of the day, all you really have is real estate and nature and food and relaxation and your health. And your family.

[Guest [sc...]]

Every act of self control leads to a sense of self respect.

[[Ju...]]

Well I've got a lot to work on.

[[mo...]]

You come off as capable and coherent. It makes sense and I get it. An eye for an eye I understand and the only thing is you seem to have picked up what I mean by the fact that it can backfire.

 

You may be able to level someone with your intelligence and cogency, but what you said is actually what it does come down to, only you’re right that you have a lot to work on because I do too in that it actually comes down to the invisible real-estate of spirit (and soul.)

 

I don’t always remember and am not always capable of living it because I have issues like most of us do, though I believe Dr. King had the basics in his mind of what ends up profiting us all most. It does not include dishonesty.

 

I think for myself it’s also good to remember though that there is often still full expression without the need for language, whatever words I use or don’t use.

[[mo...]]

I hope I didn’t speak out of turn or that I should have stopped before I posted last. It’s only what I’ve been through, sorry.

[[Ju...]]

You got that right about dishonesty. Everything backfires. But if you do good things, usually you get good things in return.

[[tr...]]

Funny thing about benzo Wd I'm noticing is that it seems to resurface an issue not dealt with in life - or ones you think you've resolved but maybe not. Some of this is chemical/changes in our brain - so for that you get a pass:) We all get a pass:)

However, sounds like you may benefit from a good therapist to slowly sort out feelings/experiences.

Maybe before you text/post to family or otherwise take a moment to pause... ask what your motive is or your need is to express it. Ask if it is wise to express it at that time or place. Basically is it beneficial...

 

All the substances you've been on may have kept down a lot of feelings - so you're basically flooding with lots of feelings and thoughts right now.And its ok. Finding healthy things as an outlet helps - i know thats so cliche but its true. I used to love to punch the heck out of a heavy weight bag, anything physical.

Now in benzo recovery I tolerate mild activity but looking forward to the day where I can do that intense stuff again bc it was such a good release.

 

BTW....just bc you have a "diagnosis" does not mean it is your label for life. People heal, grow, and move on to have beautiful fulfilled lives.

 

[[Ju...]]

Trina, I completely agree with everything you said. Yeah there was a lot of stuff we couldn't feel and emotions that got blunted out with meds, and now coming off of them those feelings and emotions are stronger than ever, and we don't know how to express them because we are not used to being off of meds. So some things come across in a wrong way. It's a learning experience. And I hope that's true what you said, I don't want to have any mental health conditions. Maybe it was all medicine induced. For all I know, I could be completely fine underneath, I was diagnosed at 17 years old and I was already having Xanax withdrawal and that was 20 years ago. I wish I had just stayed off of them back then instead of twenty years later coming off of more. So I have no idea what I'm like underneath and I'm just waiting to find out. :-) stay strong out there.

[[Re...]]

Justintime - I would recommend you to besides attending therapy as much as possible to also get this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

 

I think that while hard it's necessary for us to dig deeper into ourselves, specially after consciously or not being numbing ourselves to death.

 

How is your memory as a whole?

[[Ju...]]

Aside from wanting to get rid of anxiety and benzo withdrawal symptoms, that's the thing that I've been looking forward into diving into. PTSD. I've got a whole list of crap to go over with my therapist. I live in a really hard life, but there was also tons and tons of fun and partying and living really expensive places and doing what I want in life. I guess with good there's bad. I'm just now starting to remember a good majority of it. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why things happened the way they did. There's a whole lot of stuff to cover. Sorry anyways I'm just rambling, to answer your question, my memory is actually coming back very well. It was completely gone for a while there. I think it was temporary dementia, which is what the doctors are telling people they have. It's not permanent. Everything comes back. Somehow our brains store everything. It's just a matter of figuring out how to access it again.

[[Re...]]

Lucky you, consider yourself blessed for that then. For most of us (me included) memory and other executive functions are what's more difficult to regain.

 

PS - can also stand with you on the "lifestyle" part...

 

Man you do seem to be one of the members in a closest place to me 

[[Ju...]]

Don't worry, your memory will come back also. Basically it feels like you have brain damage and you don't remember anything and if you try to it gives you really bad anxiety and withdrawal symptoms so you just stop trying to think all together. I went through the same thing. It was really hard because I didn't know if I was ever going to remember or recall anything ever again. That's why I think it's a temporary brain injury. The word, withdrawal, doesn't really fit. And as far as the lifestyle, yeah I lived the mountain life, the bay life, the beach life, the island life, lots of fast-paced clubs and cars and motorcycles and condos, lots of cool jobs, many girlfriends, things like that. It was all fun for a while, but it probably gets old whether on pills or not. So now I just live the slow humble life and try to enjoy it off of meds. I wanted to be able to enjoy my time with my daughter one day, off of meds instead of on them like before. It's hard to enjoy anything when you're taking medications. So anyways yeah, just give it time. Within a couple months, which seems like a long time but it's really not that far away, you are going to remember everything. I'm only 8 months out and I can just about remember everything. It's just like everybody before me said, it's like nothing ever happened. That's why you have to keep going. It's a for sure thing, and it's not that one. Everything in life is temporary at one point.

[[Re...]]

Cheers.

 

I'm sort of like back to square one like yourself. Kind of hard to see all that one went thru to end up in such a place.

 

By looking at the big picture it was pretty clear the whole thing had Trainwreck written all over it.

 

You dont start feeding somebody with benzos (different types at same time) - while tolerance builds-, anti-psychotics, mood stabelizers and ADs plus taking  other "non prescribed things" and expect a good outcome...

 

I knew it was wrong and it was a "easy way out", but it's just easier to be numb and ignore the pain... But it will eventually get back to you and with added interest...

 

Shame you sort of burn everything along the way and get yourself in a much darker lonely place.

 

Wish you a speedy improvement and that you get to be with your little one once your up and running. Don't "show up" before you know you can prove you're really better and changed.

[[Ju...]]

I hear you. Yeah being on prescribed cocktails of psychiatric meds is sometimes worse than being on cocktails of street drugs. I don't know why doctors think it's okay but whatever. And yeah, my life is the same if you look at the big picture, it was one big ass Trainwreck, but it was sure as hell fun and everybody that was looking at it would agree, pretty daring I guess. It's not supposed to be like that, but I got away with it somehow. And yeah, me and my ex-wife, we both had problems with benzos. We met each other in detox, while I was in a different state temporarily. Weird how that works, we clicked because of having Mutual interests and both coming off of Valium. Needless to say, the little one came from meeting each other and I ended up back home and they went back home as well. So now we have to share her from across state lines. So I figured while she was gone, now was the perfect time to get off of them. That way the next time I see her, she won't know the difference she was too young. Many kids parents don't know what the hell their parents actually went through, they are just told to do the right thing growing up and they assume that their parents were born. After my fast life, she won't know the difference because I will just be in my late 30s and humble and sitting at home enjoying the scenery outside. I will be one of those Quiet Ones with one of the craziest stories there is. But don't worry about what you don't have anymore or what went downhill, it's not like life is over. And besides, it's really good to just stop and look at things and relax instead of going balls to the wall 24/7. And once you lose everything, you realize having a lot of stuff is not necessary. Just have what you need and live where you want.

[[mo...]]

I don’t feel that grace or mercy backfire.

[[Ju...]]

But you will, with time.

[[mo...]]

No, I know what you mean but I know that they don’t ultimately. We can agree to disagree. In the end they don’t.

 

I’ve been to jail, I’ve lived and loved and lost. I have had many experiences both harsh and pleasant and I’ve seen a lot. I’m not naive.