One year off, healing is not linear

[[Ma...]]

I quit Benson after I was hospitalized in July 9, 2018. I had taken up to 4 mg Avian every day for about 15 years. The fact that I fell and fractured my pelvis having not even tripped woke me up to the fact that the benzos were the cause. Finding this group have me valuable information that no doctor could or would. I switched to valium after showing a clueless shrink the Ashton protocol and convincing him that it could help. I did a cut and hold taper for 2 years, suffering along. When I got down to 5mg V, I got psychotic symptoms and was giving myself a sponge bath in the kitchen sink getting water all over the place, as I was convinced the shower was broken. My brain was misfiring nonsense syllables all over the place. My husband called an ambulance, and I was taken to a large nearby hospital run by the county that has psych facilities. I was kept there for observation for 4 days and given in benzos. In essence, this finished my detox in a rapid fashion. I was then referred to an outpatient clinic, really in pain and crisis. I went to the clinic for most of July, August and September of 2018. I stopped going, but mainly spent most of the day in bed for months listening to audiobooks. I really suffered with tremors, tinnitus, a sensation of itching of my skin, and total lack of energy. I also tapered down from 60mg cymbals to 30 mg during this time.

In March of 2019, I experienced a great surge of energy. I started to go out of the house with my husband, arranged for theater tickets, bought new clothes, started to clean and decorate the house, you name it. I was still feeling a little sick, but really felt that I was back on top of it. Sometimes I would drive my husband crazy with rapid fire talking, but we were both encouraged at my progress.

Well, recovery is not linear, meaning it does not always follow a direct line going upwards. For the last month, I have slumped down again, staying in bed all day listening to audiobooks. I take a showerhead fee days, but it's been 2 weeks since I washed my hair. I try to do exercises in bed to keep my muscles toned. I booked a week at the seaside for July 20, and played $1600 for it in advance. We will see some cousins who have a place there as well. If I just lack and drive up there with my husband, I can rest on the beach with audio books most of the time and my husband can hold and enjoy the beach as well. I actually feel OK, with little symptomatic other than the need to stay alone in a darkened room right now. All in all, I feel that I have come very far. I never thought my body would be this healed in a year. I just need now to accept this setback, and keep telling myself that "healing is not always linear".